Open to Doubt

by Marcus Achison

  Goriton’s new Delinquent Academy, which opened only six months ago, is proving to be an outstanding success. The Governor of the Academy, Sir Malcolm Uterine-Cavity is delighted with results so far and hopes to continue in the same vein. Sir Malcolm was drafted in to take over the Academy when the previous Governor dramatically resigned after being put in a large tank and boiled by some students taking a course in rudimentary witchcraft and soup making. Due to the relaxed attitude at the facility, inmates could more or less do what they liked. A new, much harsher regime was put in place by Sir Malcolm. His approach was to show each new inmate the view from the 20th floor of the Academy before tightly rolling them up in a carpet, setting it on fire and throwing it off the roof. The inmate would land a few seconds later on a series of boulders covered in broken glass. While admitting that this approach is low on rehabilitation, Sir Malcolm claims that none of his inmates have so far re-offended.

  Classified Rancid Eggs for Sale

  Is your urine not dark enough? Is your pee too pale? Then why not try our Urine Darkening Tablets. From hint of yellow to black tar, our pills will reinvigorate your trips to the water closet. Phone Yancey’s Urine Enhancement Solutions on Western East Buntyside 03.

  Wisdom teeth for hire. All sizes and flavours. Specially grown at our Wisdom Teeth farm in dog’s mouths. Enjoy crunching nuts, gobstoppers and ball bearings once again. Four quid each or two for four quid. Phone Glord 0000.

  Bernard and Maureen Fistation are proud to announce the birth of their only child Pungo. Pungo was born at midnight last night and weighed in at ten stone three pounds, with a height of five and half feet. He can walk already and this morning he went out for the paper. He is the second largest child to be born at Gubbenstery Maternity Unit this week.

  Bovine Mortification Supplies proudly announces the arrival of new season Cow Vanity Blankets. Provide the dignity that all cows deserve by obscuring their latest meadow muffin. Next time your favourite cow drops a steamer simply reach for the CVB and spare any embarrassment for the animal. Call Clifford for a quote on Southern Gubbenstery 0101.

  Inconsiderate and irritable large deafening woman requires smallish man for verbal onslaught. Must be available in the morning for relentless tirades about this and that and twice in the evening for protracted periods of haranguing. Apply in writing to Big Beverly Smonce, Monstrous Mansion House, Grotesque Gardens, Gubbenstery.

  Bad-tempered cat for sale. Answers to the name of Fuckypoos. Phone Billy Bip now. Comes with own bowl, blanket and library card.

  Now Open!

  The New Restaurant by Celebrated French Chef Marcel Malaise

  L’Enorme Estomac

  Starters

  Pickled Ox in Tub

  Spicy Raw Wild Animal Meat Encased in Frozen Mutton (Vegetarian)

  Slab of Butter in Pork Sauce

  Monkey Ribs Sweetened in Home-Made Cuckoo Sauce

  Acidic Beef in Brown Yoghurt

  Arabian Frog Noodles in Molten Pig Oil Dressing

  Oriental Swedish Worm Bomb

  Golden Chicken Ground to Dust (Serves 2)

  Crispy Soup in Horsemeat Jelly (Hot!)

  Small Mouse in Brine (Unusually filling!)

  Mains

  Contempt of Duck

  Whole duck burst open in boiling suet, garnished with beak, paws and gizzard and drizzled with succulent buzzing relish

  Stagnate of Albino Venison Claw

  Whole deer claws roasted alive in bright milk and served with wood pulp and full box of salt

  Dodecahedron of Mixed Poultry

  Some sort of bird frozen solid and sliced with a buzz saw at your table and bathed in a zesty pulped vapour

  Compendium of Clay Pigeon (Vegetarian)

  The finest hand-reared clay pigeon served in a gobbis with gibbon milk, dog antler patē and two slices of nutball

  Assemblage of Terrine of Mignon

  Freshly caught and hammered terrine, baked with mignon cubes and served with a full glass of peppermint lard

  Roast Whole Wasp

  Nineteen whole wasps oven-broiled in monkey oil and gnat’s throat fluid and served with roast potatoes, chips, potato waffle, mashed potato and minced otter syrup

  Sweets

  Mippy Loar

  Tangy goat biscuits in reeking custard with papaya lardons

  Skaag Boop

  Whole watermelons (6) in nutty ripe egg roulade topped with pepper gas

  Dontis Pizenny

  Free-range grease cake floating in lukewarm vinegar

  Glatty

  Vaporized honey with dog biscuits and blackcurrant steam

  Yekky Doris

  Lamb kebabs in crude cake with linseed of strawberry piffle

  Scunto Dreezle

  Cat bones in greyhound kidney sauce with powdered beanegg scrubbles

  Side Orders

  Unnamed Vegetables

  English Corned Beef

  More Dog Biscuits

  Dog Ear Crisps

  Vulture Broth

  Frozen Chips

  Cock Niblets

  Nippy Buns

  Can of Milk

  Cigarettes

  Putty

  Drinks

  Bovril

  Dog Oil

  Salt Water

  Bladder Oil

  Onion Cider

  Oil of Cloves

  Opaque Liquid

  Fresh Potato Juice

  Hidenorhair Soup

  Liquefied Monkey

  Evaporated Whisky

  Prices of seasonal dishes may vary, i.e. get more expensive. Please ask at reception for special key to secret door at back. Open the door and go in. Wait to be seated. Ask the third woman from the left for a menu. Ask the fourth woman from the left for a menu with prices. Make your way to the apiary. Select a bee. Wait to be seated.

  L’Enorme Estomac, 23 Queezian Street, Gubbenstery.

  Sports News

  Calamity at the Gubbenstery Athletics Meeting

  By our athletics editor Baby-Doc Mahogany

  The prestigious annual Gubbenstery Athletics Meeting ended in disarray yesterday after a series of unusual incidents took place. Most of the events seemed to be blighted by some mishap or other. Even though the day did not run according to plan, the 100,000 capacity crowd seemed to enjoy the spectacle. The opening event, the men’s 100 metres, set the standard for the rest of the day. Two of the competitors arrived with an incomplete running kit due to a robbery at their hotel. Chester Heepees of Iceland arrived with no running shoes and had to borrow a pair of hobnail boots from one of the greenkeepers and Percy Jillaroid from Germany arrived with no shorts or underpants and had to run with his genitalia exposed. When the gun went, all eight runners flew out of the blocks at speed and all went well until the halfway point. Suddenly, one of Heepees’ boots came off and smashed the favourite, Gumpy McAlister of Taiwan, in the mouth knocking several teeth out. McAlister hit the deck and two of the other runners fell over him, one receiving a broken thumb and the other dislocating both hips. Thirty metres from the finish, Jillaroid dived for the line and flew through the air like an obese swan. At the finish it was a dead heat between Chester Heepees and the Chinese competitor Larry Conko. Jillaroid landed behind the first two and suffered 99% abrasion burns after landing on the rough running surface. The gold medal was awarded to Heepees by one hundred trillionth of a microsecond and Conko stormed off in a huff, swearing in Chinese as he went.

  In the women’s 100 metres, there was fierce rivalry between the two hot favourites for the gold medal, Nancy Varbonate of Northern Israel and Beverly Acetate from Southern Israel. The pair had traded insults prior to yesterday’s race. Varbonate had called Acetate a stinking ball of lard and Acetate had referred to Varbonate as a flabby fuckhead. The feuding sprinters were drawn next to each other in lanes 4 and 5 and did not look at each other during the warm up. When the gun went, Varbonate threw a punch at Acetate, catching her in the central groin area. Acetate retaliated by lunging forward and bi
ting a hole in Varbonate’s cheek. The other athletes took off at speed and raced away from the squabbling pair. At 50 metres, all eight women were in a line and running at top speed. Suddenly, Varbonate pulled a knife out of her shorts and slashed Acetate on the legs and face. Acetate screamed in pain but managed to grab her pistol from her knickers holster. She fired two shots at Varbonate, shooting off both her breasts. It was Varbonate’s turn to scream in agony. The bickering sprinters launched an all-out attack on each other at the 70-metre mark as the other women ran on. On the finish line, the remaining six women were all given the same time and all received a gold medal. Stewards had to intervene to break up the altercation between Varbonate and Acetate. Both women were taken away on stretchers with a multitude of stab wounds, gunshot wounds and a localised outbreak of scabies.

  The men’s 110-metre hurdles was a much anticipated event with the big clash being between Gubbenstery’s very own Walter Birdbrain and the American Clint Steeroid. Throughout the year, the two of them had been setting world records so this was the clash everyone was looking forward to. The two great runners appeared to be on friendly terms despite their rivalry. They were sitting chatting to each other on the blocks and Birdbrain was enjoying his usual pre-race cigarette. Steeroid was chowing down on his customary pre-race triple cheese burger, large fries and litre of coffee. With the pleasantries over, the athletes lined up and the starter fired the gun. The official starting gun had malfunctioned in an earlier heat and the starter was using his own Smith and Wesson 500 handgun to start the race. Unfortunately, the starter wasn’t watching where he was aiming and he blew the athletes in lanes 1, 2 and 3 to smithereens. Also, an 80 year-old mum-of-one and her pet cat sitting in the stadium were slaughtered by an unlucky ricochet of the heavy calibre bullet. When the officials had cleaned up the area, the athletes once again lined up and the gun was fired. As the hurdlers took off at speed, a swan passing overhead was blown to pieces by the starter’s pistol and the beautiful white feathers fell to the ground like blood-spattered snowflakes. The great rivals were neck and neck at halfway, a full 5 metres ahead of what was left of the field. As the two great competitors leapt over the ninth hurdle, Steeroid’s stomach burst open, dispersing his innards across the track. Steeroid crashed to the floor and Birdbrain slipped on Steeroid’s jejunum and also hit the deck, fracturing his forehead in the process. The competitor from North Korea, Stig Olafson, in the outside lane, was untroubled by the pandemonium and sprinted home in the leisurely time of 15 seconds. Far from a world record, but still a gold medal.

  In the women’s discus final, the hot favourite for gold, Chastity Plonce of Japan, was having a nightmare. Her first two attempts were 48.2 metres and 51.1 metres, well below her personal best of 75.5 metres and she was languishing in tenth position. On her final attempt, she entered the circle and prepared to throw. Just as she was winding up her throw, a hornet landed on her and stung her on the pancreas. A massive jolt of pain shot through her body causing her to launch the discus at an incredible speed. The 1kg lenticular disc flew through the air and landed in the main stand at the opposite end of the stadium. Unfortunately, it became lodged in the mouth of a large gentleman. Plonce’s throw was quickly measured before the large man spat it out and it was a colossal new world record of 151 metres. Her mighty hornet-induced throw gave her a fifth gold medal and a hero’s homecoming to look forward to back in Yokohama.

  In the closing stages of the men’s 50km walk, the rank outsider from the Faroe Islands, Galaroy Pompazian, had a lead of over 20km when he entered the stadium. The crowd went wild as the underrated hoofer from the east end of Kirkjubøur seemed destined to collect his country’s first ever gold medal. However, it was not to be as the cruel hand of fate dealt a dreadful blow. As Pompazian entered the home straight to complete the last 100 metres of his gruelling hike, both his legs became detached at the hip and fell off. The crowd gasped, as did Pompazian. He crumpled in a heap and was overtaken 90 minutes later by the entire field, with the gold medal going to Raymond Dildoe of Vietnam.

  Many of the events were blighted by unusual occurrences which seemed to add to the spectacle of a great day’s athletics. Even one of the medal ceremonies resulted in mayhem. As Winifred Lokup-Garrage of Guatemala stepped up to get her gold medal for winning the women’s 1.5 metre dash, the podium gave way and she fell through and disappeared down an uncovered manhole. She was trapped down in the bowels of the stadium for 3 hours before being rescued by a trained rescue goat. Fortunately, she only sustained two broken legs, two dislocated buttocks and a minor outbreak of rabies in one of her eyes, after ingesting over 20 litres of raw sewage.

  Despite the odd mishap here and there, Gubbenstery’s big day of athletics was judged a roaring success and plans are already afoot to increase the capacity of the stadium to 800,000, such is the demand for next year’s event.

  The Legend that is

  Agnes Bowhandle of the Wild West

  By our gory crime correspondent Albert Bubbo

  Agnes Bowhandle was born in 1849 in Tombstone, Arizona. Her parents were local prostitute Dolores Bowhandle and a drifter called Floyd Lonesome. She never knew her father and was raised by her mother in her place of work, The Carnal Rooms Brothel. At the age of five Agnes killed her first man. A dissatisfied cowboy was beating up her mother when Agnes took matters into her own hands. She ran at the cowboy and launched herself feet first through the air and lodged herself in the cowboy’s mouth up to her hips. She then pushed her feet down his throat and bit off his nose. After fourteen hours in this position the cowboy choked to death and Agnes was given a stern telling off by the local magistrate.

  At the age of six Agnes killed her second man and strangely enough, it was the local magistrate. He had questioned the change he got from a ten dollar bill and Agnes saw this as a sign of disrespect. She ran next door to the blacksmiths and grabbed his anvil and sprinted back to the brothel at incredible speed and launched the anvil straight at the magistrate and it lodged part way down his gullet. As the magistrate struggled to adapt to having an anvil in his mouth, Agnes grabbed her mother’s wood chopping axe and sliced off the magistrates arms and legs and filled his nostrils with pepper. Dolores Bowhandle tried to calm her daughter but Agnes had lost her temper big time. She snatched up the resident brothel dog, George Cooper, and rammed him into her mother’s mouth, before turning her rage back to the magistrate. He was lying helpless in a pool of blood but Agnes wasn’t satisfied. Her bloodlust was fired up and she looked around for another weapon. She grabbed a bottle of moonshine whiskey from the mantelpiece and drank about half of it in one gulp. The rest she poured over the magistrate and set him alight, occasionally stoking the fire with his arms and legs. By the time the sheriff arrived, the magistrate was charcoal and Agnes’s mother had accidentally swallowed the dog. The new magistrate gave Agnes a severe talking to and ordered her to stay in her bedroom for ten years.

  When Agnes was sixteen she came out her room and she was a very different prospect to the helpless little girl that had entered the room ten years earlier. She was now six feet tall and massively robust. She had thighs like a man’s waist, arms like a man’s thigh, and hands like industrial shovels. Her long blond hair had remained uncut and was now up in a three foot beehive style and she was wearing six inch stiletto heels, giving her a total height of nine and a half feet. She became the resident enforcer in the brothel with the sole purpose of keeping the punters in line. She kept two six-shooters on her hip for any particularly nasty trouble, but seldom resorted to gunfire. Agnes managed to keep the customers under control using alternative methods.

  On Agnes’s twentieth birthday, she was sitting relaxing at a table at the back of the brothel with her usual pint of whiskey and cigar when in walked a stranger. He went to reception and ordered a woman. Doris, the head girl, said she would service him and the two disappeared into one of the bedrooms. Ten minutes later loud screams came from the bedroom and Agnes knew it was her responsibility to investigate. S
he ran along the corridor and kicked the bedroom door off its hinges. Inside, the stranger had tied up Doris with piano wire and forced a pillow into her mouth as he attempted to have his wicked way with her. Agnes immediately sprang into action. She picked the man up by the hair and started spinning him round her head, then threw him against the wall. She pounced on him and sat on his chest. She then thrust her whole hand into the man’s mouth, down his throat and pulled his stomach out of his mouth and ate it. The unknown man begged for mercy but Agnes was relentless. She punched and kicked him for a while and then she reached for her rope and plunged it down the man’s throat and out of his anus. She then lifted him up by the rope and hung him from a roof beam. Doris thanked Agnes and made her way back to reception. Only the unwary stepped out of line in The Carnal Rooms, and they didn’t do it twice.

  Agnes was an attractive woman and occasionally turned a few tricks of her own when she wanted some extra money, but only the most reckless, wicked or ill-informed men would consider a session with Agnes. As long as she had her pints of whiskey, her cigars and the occasional bout of deranged intercourse, Agnes was more or less well behaved. However, when Agnes was twenty five, and at the peak of her muscular and sexual powers, she fell in love. Her lover was the new sheriff, Leroy Maddox. Leroy had arrived from Abilene, Texas, as a replacement for the previous sheriff Mr Rubenstein who had been eaten by wolves. Agnes fell in love with Leroy in a matter of minutes and Leroy reciprocated.

  All went well for Agnes and Leroy and they attended many cheese and wine parties and weekend trips to the greyhound racing. They became the town’s premiere couple and life couldn’t be better for Tombstone’s number one enforcer of the law, and Leroy. Alas, this period of tranquillity was not to last. On a sunny July afternoon the notorious Penguin brothers, Jake, 20, Rowdy, 30, and Monty, 70, rode into town looking for trouble. They went to the Holy Mackerel Bar and starting drinking and gambling and causing a general ruckus. One thing led to another and eventually a fight broke out, resulting in Jake shooting a man dead. The bar owner ran out and told Leroy what had happened and he immediately made his way to the bar. As he pushed through the double saloon doors, he was met by a hail of bullets from the Penguin brothers and was cut to pieces.