Open to Doubt

by Marcus Achison

  After a whirlwind courtship lasting three years Doobydoo agreed to be Arthur’s fifth wife and they were married at St Pontiff’s Orthodox Church of Hasidic Catholicism. For their honeymoon they spent a month in Rothesay and a month in Dar es Salaam before returning to the Galapagos. Doobydoo sold her business and it was turned into a hospital and all the prostitutes became nurses. The happy couple settled down and Arthur wrote some new songs and planned a new world tour. Doobydoo became a housewife but discovered that she also had a talent for song writing. Not long after Arthur released “Obey Your Master”, Doobydoo released her own version of “That’ll be the Day”.

  As Arthur signed copies of his new album in Billy Kludgie’s music shop, it was noticeable that he had two black eyes, a broken arm and part of his ear was missing. When his lovely wife Doobydoo entered the shop and sat at his side, Arthur appeared to tremble and his hand shook. It was in Billy Kludgie’s that Arthur announced that his new single would be called “It’s Nice to Be Nice”.

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  The Reginald Pottage World of Adventure

  Redesigned! Refurbished! Retarded!

  Thrill seekers and the none-too-clever have been flocking in their thousands to the newly revamped World of Adventure, run by the impresario and former dictator of Southern Scotland, Reginald Pottage. It had been closed for two years undergoing upgrading, with new more intense thrill rides being added. It is now hailed as the scariest theme park in the world and only the brave and numb of mind dare tackle its many challenges. After meeting safety guidelines, the newest and most terrifying rides have been doing big business.

  Beat the Traction Engine!

  A 100-ton 1897 Vimbazian and Co. traction engine is suspended by wool 50 feet in the air. On the ground below, a chalk circle 6 feet in diameter is covered in lard. The individual taking part stands in the circle and looks up at the traction engine. To begin the event, a lone marksman fires a rubber bullet at the stomach of the contestant, thereby signalling that the traction engine has already been dropped. It is up to the winded person to get out of the circle in time or be crushed by the huge machine. So far, there has only been one fatality, a deaf and blind woman from Nigeria, and several snapped limbs. At £5 per go it’s very popular.

  The Dastardly Drop of Doom!

  Twelve people are suspended around the exterior of a half mile high steel tower in their own chilled metal groin harness. A hooter sounds to commence the dastardly drop and each person drops at the speed of gravity, crashing through alternate layers of sheet glass and burning wooden shelves, until they land at the bottom in an old-fashioned aluminium dustbin containing a badger. Gets very busy in summer and winter so advance booking is required.

  The Hellish Horserace!

  Participants are each suspended by piano wire under the belly of their own racehorse at the top of a gigantic 500-foot high helter-skelter ride. When the super loud gun is fired, the horses are startled and take off running down the helter-skelter at top speed while you are severely buffeted underneath their stomach. At strategic points on the way down, the horse and rider are tasered and covered in soot and flour to add to the fun and mayhem. All the horses come to an abrupt halt at the bottom by falling into a 20-foot deep pit half filled with scalding hot tar. The winner is based on who has the fewest injuries. A must for all equine fans.

  The Catapult of Catastrophe!

  It’s laughs aplenty, for the watching crowd at least, as a huge industrial strength catapult fires the lucky person 500 feet in the air over a scrap metal dealer’s yard, where they land with a thud on the harsh, jagged terrain and are immediately set upon by guard dogs. You are issued with a baseball bat to help you fight your way out and into the “Field of Freedom”, which contains a rhinoceros and a hippopotamus. Outrunning these two savage beasts is advised if you want to get to the winning line alive and win the stuffed replica spoon. This fun event has the highest mortality rate so book early to avoid adding to your lifespan.

  This theme park is included in the recommended book “100 things to do to ensure that you will die” by Wilfred Negrillo.

  Very Specific Vacancies

  Local drug dealer Gummo Lee Dobson requires an Area Sales Manager due to business expansion. Experience of cash collection, street-level product sales and manual dexterity with a baseball bat or chair leg would be an advantage. Apply in person down the precinct any afternoon and ask for the Big GLD.

  Bus Drivers now being hired to retrain as Dental Nurses. Due to a shortage of dental nurses and a glut of bus drivers we need over 60,000 bus drivers to retrain immediately. For more information pop along to your local dentist and say “Mirror, signal, floss.”

  Despot required for small West African country. Must have a history of violence, cruelty and general mayhem. Large house supplied, complete with private army. Apply by writing in someone else’s blood to Goodness Gracious Wilson, 101 Galimpo Boulevard, Natongville.

  Doctors required to work as Bar Staff in busy veterinary clinic. Very little experience of bar work or being a doctor is absolutely necessary. Company car, company motorbike and company hovercraft supplied. Knowledge of and/or lack of knowledge of anything probably an advantage. Phone Vicky Terminology at The Growl and Howl Day Centre, Spandex Retail Park, Goriton.

  Witness required for impending pavement trip and fall. If you are willing to witness my fall on the pavement, leaving me unable to work again, then give me a call. Salary is a one-off payment sometime hence. Call Nobby on Glord 100.

  Living room floor for sale. Comes complete with handle, control arm, thermostat and dog sat in front of fire. Would suit living room with exactly the same dimensions. Also, complete set of two bricks – enough to construct short, low wall. Phone Brian Manhood on East Buntyside 22.

  Special Enquiry Report

  Alleged Barbarity by Gubbenstery Police

  By our bent copper investigator Cranston Spurious

  Gubbenstery’s Independent Police Monitoring Board has been investigating reports of excessive force and barbaric behaviour by Gubbenstery Police. The six-month long investigation studied reports alleging that the police broke rules concerning the treatment of prisoners, the apprehension of criminals and interaction with the general public. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence, Chief Constable, Sir Roscoe Madarse, 59, strenuously denies any breach of the rules. “My officers have to be allowed to do their fucking duty to safeguard the motherfucking public from the many different types of fuckball that are out there waiting to do them harm. We can’t do that by saying please and thank you. We have to get in amongst these fucking shitheads and show them who’s boss,” said Chief Constable Madarse to a group of reporters on the steps of Gubbenstery High Court.

  Of the many cases of alleged police brutality reported to the IPMB, several cases have shocked the public. On the 24th of February last year, Gubbenstery police apprehended a petty thief called Jasper Cholera, whom they suspected of burgling a local newsagents. When they got him back to the station, he immediately admitted his guilt. However, it is alleged that the police brought a canon into his cell and fired Mr Cholera out of it directly at the wall, loosening all of his teeth and setting his feet on fire. They then brought a horse into his cell and strapped Mr Cholera to it. They hooked up the horse’s testicles to an electric current and fired 240 volts through it for one hour. This caused the horse to become mentally deranged and jump and run around the small cell in an unhinged manner. Mr Cholera was bashed and buffeted, incurring a wide range of severe injuries. Chief Constable Madarse claims this is an exaggeration of actual events and that Mr Cholera tripped and fell over, thereby sustaining minor injuries. When asked how a person allegedly sitting on his own in a cell could loosen all his teeth and have his feet catch fire, Chief Constable Madarse replied, “These evil bastards must be kept in line and if that means battering the shit out of them from time to time, then that’s what we’ll do. We take our role of protecting the community from these fucking rogues very seriously”. Whe
n asked why the canon and horse were used, despite the prisoner admitting his guilt, Madarse said “The sneaky bastard was trying confuse us and buy some time until his lawyer arrived.”

  On the 25th of February last year, Gubbenstery police had been on a stakeout for six weeks. They were watching a bank, following a tip-off that the safe was going to be blown by legendary safe blower Len Bownarrow. When Mr Bownarrow finally made his way into the bank, the police made their move and caught him in the act. He put his hands up and admitted he was there to empty the safe. It is alleged that the police put Mr Bownarrow inside the safe along with a container of high explosives and locked the door. They then detonated the explosives and blew the door off. Mr Bownarrow landed in a crumpled heap in the middle of the room with multiple injuries. All his hair had been burnt off and he had lost his chin, forehead and his left hip. He was then arrested for attempted robbery and taken to the station. When Chief Constable Madarse was asked to explain the suspect’s injuries, he replied, “The bastard was trying to steal people’s savings so we had to show him the error of his ways. He just happened to trip and fall down the stairs.”

  On the 26th of February last year, Gubbenstery police stopped two elderly women in the street and accused them of shoplifting a petrol tank for a Fiat Panda and a set of four bowling balls from the local mini market. When they could not find the stolen property, they planted £6,000,000 worth of heroin in the ladies’ handbags and arrested them for being drug smugglers. They were taken to the station and locked up. An hour later it is alleged that the two women had their buttocks blowtorched and their mouths removed using pliers. Apparently they then both pled guilty to stealing the petrol tank and bowling balls. When I put it to Chief Constable Madarse that this was wanton brutality of the highest order against two innocent elderly women, he accused me of exaggerating the whole issue. He then added, “Just because these two old boots are in their eighties doesn’t mean they should be treated differently to fit young bastards that commit crimes every day. The law treats everyone equally and these two antique arseholes will be thumped like everyone else.”

  Only one day later, on the 27th of February, Gubbenstery police were at it again. This time Chief Inspector Madarse was directly involved. The police were called out to an alleged breaking and entering at a local house. Madarse decided to go along since there were some junior officers getting their first taste of action. The house was owned by a middle-aged couple, Derek and Deirdre Gloiter, and they answered the front door with a certain amount of surprise. They said they hadn’t been burgled and did not make a 999 call. At that point Madarse took over and pushed his way past the bemused couple. He marched into the living room followed by four other officers, taking time to kick the family cat out of an open window. The cat flew out of a small window backwards and landed in a barrel of rainwater. “What on earth did you do that for?” enquired Mr Gloiter angrily. “Shut your fucking mouth dickhead,” replied Madarse. “Now, when did this burglary take place?” he asked. When Mr Gloiter told him again that there had been no crime committed, Madarse accused him of stalling for time. Just then, the Gloiter’s pet poodle Jethro Hopkins innocently entered the room. Madarse shouted at the Gloiters to “Get that fucking brute locked up or I’ll burst its head open”. When Mr Gloiter said that it was a very docile poodle and wouldn’t harm a fly, Madarse grabbed the dog by the tongue and swung it violently round his head, before launching it through the TV screen. When Mr Gloiter took a step towards Madarse, he drew his truncheon and cracked it off Mr Gloiter’s forehead, which put him on the floor in agony. Mrs Gloiter then moved forward to tend to her husband’s wound, but before she could reach him she too was smashed over the head by the Madarse truncheon. The Chief Inspector then proceeded to ransack the house apparently looking for burglars and stolen property. When one of the junior officers suggested that they might have the wrong house, Madarse thumped him over the head with his truncheon. He then yelled out loud, “Where’s the fucking gear Gloiter? Where’s the fucking money you pair of robbing bastards?” His tirade lasted about ten minutes before he instructed one of the officers to arrest the Gloiters for burglary, handling stolen property, keeping dangerous animals and resisting arrest.

  When questioned about these events by the investigation board, Madarse claimed that the Gloiters and their dog and cat attacked him so he had to defend himself. He said, “When scum like that try to assault you, steps have to be taken. I therefore decided to crack their fucking heads open and ask questions later. We didn’t recover any stolen property but we sent a message to would-be wrongdoers. Commit crimes on my patch and I’ll split your fucking head open.” The monitoring board have still to reveal their decision about Gubbenstery police. Meanwhile, Madarse and his team are investigating a multi-million pound pornography business at Gubbenstery old folks home.

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  Music Direct to You for Money

  Presents

  Top Artists Latest Releases

  These fantastic new albums are only available by mail order and cannot be bought in any shops. By selling direct to you, we maintain the highest of standards and prices. These artists are at the cutting edge of modern rock and pop and their stature can only be measured. To compare these artists to any ordinary musician could only be described as some sort of comparison.

  “My Only Lobectomy” by Hector Pranthious (£1.01) + complimentary jam spoon!

  This dynamic new album from Seattle’s finest balladeer marks a change of direction for Pranthious. No more is he singing about tractors, mice and courgettes. “That’s old hat man,” he recently told Musical Pest magazine. Now he’s prattling on about fusion cookery, paracetamol and the rising price of wasps. The first single off the album, “It’s a Plantain not a Banana”, reached number 12 in the Namibian Top 12.

  “Burn the Lesbian” by Labia Majora (£1.02) + complimentary set of blue curtains!

  This all-girl group from LA release their tenth album on the Areola label and again it’s a mix of anger- and hatred-based songs. As lead singer Rachel Fallopian puts it, “It’s not all about concerts and selling records man. There’s looking annoyed and sleeping around too you know”. The first cut off the new album, “Teenage Crevice”, is a real toe-tapper.

  “Crack Cocaine on Toast” by MC Cobblers (£1.03) + complimentary handle!

  Following on from his release from prison, MC (or Mr Cabbagehead) Cobblers releases a musical long player, although the word musical is incorrectly used. It’s mainly him talking about some pretend gang-based rubbish and a head-numbing beat playing behind him. The title, of course, is a subtle reference to his obsession with gay politics in Kazakhstan and what it means for the time being. The first single, “Don’t touch ma muthafuckin’ spice rack”, is the first of MC’s new kitchen-based gangster rap anthems.

  “Dumpety Doo Dah” by Roy Baby (£1.04) + complimentary buttered bread!

  The talented singer songwriter from Penrith releases his first live album, taken from his recent tour of the Cotswolds, recorded at The Pig and Pimp public house. His first single off the disc, “My Pony Kicked My Balls so Hard”, has been quickly followed up with a second release, “Death of a Pony”, reflecting the singer’s bad temper and anger with his late equine pet.

  “Songs of Piffle” by Darlinda McGovern (99p) + complimentary children’s oven!

  McGovern here shows her sheer mastery of lyrics by making them rhyme. Her pent-up angst and difficulty unwrapping sweets is reflected in her debut single, “Yabadaba Trousers”, which is still at No.1 in Swaziland. Her greatest gift though is leaving gaps between the words and not interrupting herself, which is clearly evident on the stunning closing track, “Yabadaba Bra’n’Pants”. Not to be missed!

  Send £55.13 ($55.14) to MDTYFM, 9 Gazza Plaza, Porridge Street, Dallas, Texas, for full address and complimentary phone number.

  Amazing Lard-Based Enterprises

  Announcement

  Due to extreme financial difficulties, indolent staff and the
inclement weather, it is with deep regret that we announce the closure of Mr Muppo’s famous family department store for good. We are selling off all our stock at rock bottom prices. Some of the items on sale at discount prices will include:

  Wheel nuts

  Monkey nuts

  Penicillin sweets

  Born again lentils

  Bellybutton cream

  Flat screen jumpers

  Hardened criminals

  High Vis carpet tiles

  Backward-facing fish

  Undercooked meat

  Coded messages

  Sliced trousers

  Buffalo eggs

  This is just a sample of what’s on offer at your favourite department store. Pop in this week and bag yourself a bargain. Mr Muppo’s owner Mervyn Muppo will be in store tomorrow where he will be demonstrating advanced fish gutting techniques, while lap dancing.

  Learn to make your own broth at The Broth Academy. Never again will you need to put up with soup. Broth is the future and the future is broth. Call Herbert Yimpian now on Gubbenstery 1000 to reserve a place next semester.

  Have a truly fantastic time by enjoying a Coal Mine Tour. Fully escorted tours take place in the East Poodenda coal mine, just north of Gubbenstery 18 times per day and once every other hour. You will be given your very own cloth cap, oven gloves, breathing apparatus, and fully operational canary, all for the discounted price of £799.01 per person per hour. Phone Myrtle Zoob the third on Gubbenstery 666.

  Unusual man would like to meet some heavy gardening equipment and a ripe horse to make all his dreams come true. Phone Eric Turbinate already.