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Open to Doubt

Page 16

by Marcus Achison


  Blooteraid is a complex emulsion of strong blue cheese, pulverized skunk anal gland, the yolk from rankopod bird eggs, Carolina Reaper chillies and a few other secret ingredients. All of these special components are blended together in 100% alcohol and allowed to fester for one year in a donkey’s stomach. Only then is Blooteraid ready for use. It is only sold in pubs, supermarkets and most shops and is available in 8-litre or 9-litre canisters. It is supplied with full instructions and is easy to quaff indoors or outdoors, either by the spoonful or sucked from a damp cloth. It is recommended that Blooteraid is only consumed as a hangover cure. It should not be taken as some sort of super strong hallucinogenic, although it does have those properties. Always notify next of kin when consuming Blooteraid just in case they want some too. Buy Blooteraid today and wave goodbye to the misery of hangovers.

  “The fumes from Blooteraid rotted my jumper, but it worked,” Peter Thithy.

  “I can’t remember drinking Blooteraid but I must have,” Kwai-Chang McDonald.

  “Blooteraid means no more hangovers, or teeth,” Miss Yurithane O’Hara.

  “I gave it to my dog and he blew up when he sat in front of the fire,” Gareth Spollery.

  “I don’t drink alcohol anymore – I just drink Blooteraid,” Larry Buntage.

  “It’s so strong I forgot I had a hangover,” Sir Robert Henpole.

  “I think they should sell it in bigger sizes,” Ron Botswana.

  “I can drink 20 pints of Scrumpy at night and Blooteraid sorts me out,” Ryan Stagdoo.

  “If I drink Blooteraid at night I need 20 pints of Scrumpy in the morning,” Ryan Stagdoo.

  “I accidentally spilled some on my stepchild and her head came off,” Mabel Zalron (Mr).

  “I love the flavour – it’s so creamy,” Leonard Arscheex.

  “Blooteraid can also be used to remove chewing gum from a moth’s eye,” Dr Arthur Giblets.

  “Don’t buy it, it’s awful – it tastes like my Grandfather’s phlegm,” Brian Penitensharry.

  “I love it – two half-pint shandies every night and no hangover,” Miss Muriel Dronk.

  Gubbenstery News in Brief

  Compiled by our muckraker Jumbo Bunhead

  A man is in hospital after having his tongue bitten off by local horse Dobbin Simpson. Horace Hyppolyte was feeding the horse at the time of the incident. He told our reporter (using sign language) that he was in the process of feeding the horse a mixture of mentholyptus, chilli, mustard and wasabi paste when the bad tempered stallion launched the unprovoked attack. Mr Hippolyte’s replacement plasticine tongue is still on back order.

  In a separate incident, a woman is in hospital after being run over by a cat. Camilla Podium was walking down her garden path when the passing cat severely brushed against her leg. Before Miss Podium could smash the cat’s head open with a brick, it escaped through a hedge. Police are advising local residents to carry an axe at all times.

  It has been revealed that consumption of English corned beef in Gubbenstery has more than doubled over the last week. ECB spokesman Dennis Paradiddle says this is great news.

  Local man Gary Hithere is suing another local man, Big Arthur Potent, for damages after it was alleged that he backed into him. Hithere claims he was standing on the pavement when he saw Potent walking backwards towards him. Hithere said that before he could get out of the way “I had a mouthful of arse”. Family have been notified.

  Notorious Gubbenstery criminal Tother Gobson has escaped yet again from Gubbenstery maximum security prison. It’s the nineteenth time Gobson has escaped, but being relatively stupid, he is usually caught within the hour. The last time he escaped he said that he only left the prison grounds temporarily to retrieve his talking parrot Quackers Nelson.

  The proposed new skyscraper, The Gubbenstery Megatower, has been given the go ahead. The new 10-mile high building constructed entirely from clay will be Gubbenstery’s second tallest building after The Gubbenstery Obelisk at 10 miles and one foot high. Local mum of ten, Kelly-Marie Repellent, says she knows nothing about either building.

  Gubbenstery Lord Mayor Pulchritude McKenzie has unexpectedly resigned. The 59 year-old was under investigation by police for allegedly tying a bowling ball to a dog’s tail. The 5 year-old Yorkshire terrier called David Boyce was so scared it ran for 22 miles to escape the terrifying bowling ball following just three feet behind it. David eventually collapsed in a pool of dog blood when his legs were worn down to bloody stumps.

  The Head of Gubbenstery Police, Superintendent Roland Clitoris, was yesterday convicted of drink driving while committing GBH. He was caught doing 156mph in a 30mph zone outside a school while battering his wife, who was in the passenger seat. Superintendent Clitoris regrets the whole incident and on reflection says he should have battered his wife before he left the house.

  A major scientific breakthrough was announced yesterday at Gubbenstery College. Professor Humphrey Bongo, a janitor at the college, couldn’t hold back his excitement when he said his team had made an astonishing discovery, although they weren’t quite sure what it was. “We noticed something in the lab and decided to closely monitor it. Further tests are being carried out to identify what the fuck it might be,” said the delighted Professor.

  General Safety Alert!

  The Baboon Hazard

  By our baboon safety correspondent Roger Gapeworm

  It has recently come to the attention of Gubbenstery Police that a very large troop of baboons has set up residence at the western edge of Gubbenstery just behind the Yodelling College. Chief Sergeant Ray Panty of Gubbenstery’s specialist Monkey Division says that it is still unclear where the baboons came from, although he suspects they hitched a lift on a steamship from Africa. Although CS Panty’s expertise is mainly in handling mandrills, proboscis monkeys and giraffes, he is also skilled at dealing with baboons, having recently graduated from Gubbenstery’s Baboon College with a third class degree in worm motivational techniques and hay baling. According to CS Panty, the troop consists of about 150,000 baboons spread over an area of two square miles, and this is putting a lot of pressure on the baboon’s normal food sources, which comprises antelopes, other monkeys and low fat yoghurt. The lack of antelopes, other monkeys and low fat yoghurt in downtown Gubbenstery means that the baboons have had to adapt to local conditions and forage for their dinner.

  Police have received reports of baboon activity from local residents and there is growing concern that the baboons may actually be highly dangerous predators, rather than playful, idiotic monkeys. Local unemployed man Clarence Whooping told me of a terrifying experience he had with the baboons. He was sitting at home having a quiet drink at eight in the morning when a large baboon came crashing through his window and landed on his lap. It immediately bit him on the cheek, removing a large swath of flesh causing Mr Whooping’s tongue to loll out the side of his face. It then bit through his new jumper into his stomach and proceeded to feed upon Mr Whooping’s innards. Only quick thinking by Mr Whooping saved his life and most of his innards. In the nick of time he bashed the animal’s head with an empty 5-litre whisky bottle and split its skull open. He then quickly jammed a large ornamental brass penis into the baboon’s skull, dislodging part of its brain onto the carpet. The brass penis was a gift given to Mr Whooping by his son who had brought it back from the duty free shop at Entebbe airport in Uganda. The penis insertion killed the rampaging baboon and it slumped to the floor. However, Mr Whooping was so terrified of further baboon attacks that he sat in his chair all day drinking whisky, armed only with the brass penis, until his wife came home at 5pm to make his dinner.

  Another victim of the hellish baboon attacks was the oldest bakery in Gubbenstery. The Beatrice Vile family bakery was established in Gubbenstery in 1995 and is run by 92 year-old Beatrice Vile and her two daughters, Minnie, 72, and Maxie, 22. According to Beatrice, rampaging troops of baboons burst their way into the shop and steal cakes, pies and anything they can grab. Once they get what they came for,
they would race out of the door and run down the street screeching. She says her customers are terrified, although occasionally they manage to grab one of the baboons and smash it to pieces with hammers and bricks. Ms Vile says all her customers now come to her shop armed. She says they bring hammers, knives, baseball bats and the occasional firearm. They are determined not to be deprived of the famous Vile cakes and pies. Recently, Minnie and Maxie installed industrial strength netting above the door. Their plan is to ensnare the baboons as they enter the shop and immediately douse them in petrol and set them alight. As Beatrice put it, “No fucking monkey is going to deprive me of ma muthafuckin’ livelihood, no fucking way man”.

  One of the scariest baboon attacks was at Gubbenstery Stadium. Gubbenstery United were playing an important third round cup game against Glord City and were 2-0 up at half-time. As the packed crowd of over 59,001 enjoyed their half-time snacks of jugged hare and arctic roll, the baboons struck. Obviously enticed by the tempting cooking aromas wafting out of the stadium, hundreds of baboons easily climbed over the outer wall of the stadium and immediately began a mass attack on the spectators. Because the stadium was packed, the baboons could easily run across the heads of all the people, using their clever, grasping monkey feet, snatching food as they went. However, things turned nasty when the food ran out. The baboons were now in attack mode and were still hungry. With no snacks left, the baboons started biting chunks out of the terrified fans, mainly concentrating on cheeks, forehead, ears and lips. It turned into a bloodbath as the crazed, big-toothed monkeys went mental. Just as it looked like there was going to be a sea of dead football fans, help suddenly arrived from an unusual source. Earlier on and throughout the first half, violent, booze-fuelled hooligans from Gubbenstery and Glord had been fighting each other with an array of weapons including claw hammers, lead pipes, knives, machine guns and the now appropriate monkey wrenches. The well-drilled louts now focused their attention on the baboons and commenced an all-out brawl of the sort never witnessed in Gubbenstery before. The baboons, which were completely unarmed, fought bravely but were no match for this uneducated but potent fighting force. As innocent fans ran for cover, the louts attacked the baboons with immeasurable ferocity. The baboons were slashed, shot, kicked and battered and the sound of howling and screeching was deafening. Arms were cut off, heads smashed in and the odd baboon was dispatched by flame thrower. The baboons did their best to fight back by biting, scratching and head butting but it was no use. They were out-matched by this mob of barbarian football supporters and the ones that were still alive decided to retreat. About two hundred baboons were killed and one hooligan suffered a stubbed toe. The baboon body parts were quickly cleared away, the hooligans went back to fighting each other and the game restarted. A second half hat-trick by centre forward Albert Cruntage gave Gubbenstery a 5-0 win. They now go on to play Gomage Town in the fourth round.

  Because of the sheer number of baboons in the area, police have become overwhelmed and have had to turn to local gang leaders for help. CS Panty has hooked up with Doris Vore, leader of the Gubbenstery Strumpets, an all-girl gang renowned for their violence, bawdy behaviour and inability to reverse into a parking space. Also lined up to lend a hand is notorious gang leader Hank Beastman, leader of the Gubbenstery Slaughtermen, renowned for disembowelling rival gang members and setting fire to religious leaders. CS Panty has been holding secret talks with Vore and Beastman and they have been drawing up plans to tackle the baboons. Panty has had to agree to a complete amnesty for all of Vore and Beastman’s gang members, relating to crimes such as drive-by shootings, slashings, bomb making, animal rustling and mass slaughter. He says this will be a small price to pay if it results in complete eradication of the baboons and a return to normal life for the residents of western Gubbenstery. It is rumoured that Panty, Vore and Beastman have already planned an all-out attack on baboon headquarters next Friday night after the pubs shut but this has yet to be confirmed.

  Steam-Powered Tights for Hire

  Decaying gentleman, the wrong side of 30 (81) seeks happy-go-lucky young lady 20-25 to do housework, gardening, dog walking and light engineering. Must be cheery, daft and usually naked. No need for any intelligence. Fluency in cake baking and further nakedness would be an advantage. Write to Sir Horace Nangpole the Third at Nangpole Towers, Gubbenstery.

  Learn to play tricks on domestic cats. Phone Dr Guntis Mackenzie on Glord 0000 and you will be able to attach clothes pegs to a cat’s tail, put a sock over a cat’s head, bang cymbals together when your cat’s sleeping, let your cat play with blown up balloons and replace your cat’s milk with fortified wine.

  Learn to Hop

  Fully unsupervised hopping tuition now available with ex-Olympic hopping champion Tina Bawsac. Tina is licenced to teach all hopping levels from beginner (can hardly stand on two feet) right up to advanced (restless halfwit). Trust Tina to make you the hopper you’ve always wanted to be. Phone Gubbenstery 0001 and say the special hopping code word “hoppetyboppety”.

  Treetops in brine now available. Enjoy this year’s succulent young treetops in quality Irish brine. Sold by the pound, kilogram and hectare. £100 per 1g jar. For only £100 extra we will put the lid of the jar on slightly less tight. Call Peter Konboil at Nidorous Elevated Tree Supplies Ltd.

  News Alert

  Goblins Back in Scotland

  By our enchanted creature specialist Spanky MacLean

  After a period of over 100 years, goblins are once again resident in Scotland. Earlier alleged sightings by drunkards and simpletons had been doubted by the authorities, but their presence has been confirmed photographically in the small Scottish village of Glabber on the Kintyre Peninsula by Mrs Doris Glurrance. Mrs Glurrance, a former naval fighter pilot, claims that the goblins come into her back garden to steal fruit, vegetables and clothes from her washing line. She says she has even met the head goblin, a chap called Iain Hobgoblin, and he is quite friendly, although he did climb on top of her and sit on her head at one point. He told her that it wasn’t only goblins that had settled in the area. As far as he knew, there were a handful of gremlins, imps, pixies and the odd gargoyle with homes in the area. According to Mrs Glurrance, the wee folk only come out at night and seem to have a great time at the bottom of her garden or in the woods having parties and singsongs.

  However, some of the other residents of Glabber have told local police that the goblins and their pals are becoming a nuisance. They say they are giggling and laughing outside bedroom windows at night and placing things where they shouldn’t be. Mr Maurice Noxious of the neighbouring village of Pluppington claims that a goblin or perhaps some sort of evil elf put a spell on his dog. The dog, a mongrel called Robert Doolally, is now able to speak and has repeatedly told Mr Noxious to “Fuck off” when asked if he wanted to go for walkies. Also, other dogs in the area have been seen jumping over houses, shopping and eating in restaurants. It is also reported that a cat was seen smoking a pipe. These and other strange goings-on are all attributed to the goblins and their associates. When interviewed by local police, the head gremlin, Mrs Betsy O’Gremlin said that she and her fellow wee folk were only doing what came naturally to them. It is their birthright to steal things, cast spells and set fire to people’s trousers. A police spokesman, Sergeant Tony Maniac, said the wee folk are welcome to stay as long as they bring his car back and put a spell on his wife to make her stop nagging.

  Goblins and elves were once widespread across the whole of Europe and some were even kept as pets by the rich and famous. Lord Peter Nanty of South Oxford once owned a goblin and a gremlin and would let them loose on guests who attended his lavish parties. It is rumoured that guests hated going to his parties because of the behaviour of the wee folk. On one occasion a guest had his tongue pulled off by the gremlin, who then ate it at the dining table. The most famous outrage was at the Lord’s 60th birthday party in 1908. One of the guests, The Duke of Helensburgh, went to the lavatory and was suddenly accosted by the goblin who grabbed th
e Duke’s penis. The goblin held on to the penis for the rest of the evening and could be seen swinging between the Duke’s legs whenever he walked around. The goblin had to be shot off the penis by a police marksman using a blunderbuss, which caused a minor flesh wound to the Duke’s foreskin. Lord Nanty was subsequently banned from keeping malevolent creatures in the house, although he was permitted to own an imp and a French-speaking ogre.

  Any sightings of goblins or other mischievous wee folk should be reported immediately by sending a letter to Lieutenant Corporal Archibald Bartholinsgland, 2nd Battalion of Fighting Gibbons, Orangutan Barracks, Ape Street, East Buntyside.

  Classified Starters and Main Courses

  Visit the beautiful mountains of Chicago. Take the cable car to the top of Mount Funboy. At 98,000 feet, this is the tallest mountain in the Chicago area. Call in to the zoo and help the staff feed the caterpillars and wasps. For more information on what may or may not be the holiday of a lifetime, Email Jim-Bob Razzmatazz any Tuesday before the cartoons start at jbr.bumpkin@simpleton.com.

  Today is National Liver and Onions Day so why not celebrate by enjoying a right bellyful of liver and onions, washed down with a refreshing pint of Milk of Magnesia. For more information about liver or onions call the L & O hotline from your local telephone.

 

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