Make It Better (Gay Romance)

by Trina Solet

  He felt Ray hot and sweaty in his arms, just having come and smiling about it before he kissed him. Marcus allowed himself that one vivid memory before he shut him out of his heart.

  *

  For the rest of that week, his phone calls to Marcus went unanswered. Finally, on Friday, he picked up. Ray did most of the talking. If he asked a question, Marcus answered in short sentences or single words. As he talked, Ray was working himself up to asking Marcus to meet him. When he finally did, Marcus said he couldn’t come over. Ray said they could just go to a movie, but he said no to that too. Marcus didn’t make up any excuses. All he said was, “Ray, I can’t. I’ll call you.”

  All Ray could do was hold on to that promise. As he waited for that call, he thought about how the last time he saw him, Marcus still had dark circles under his eyes. And there were times when they were together when Marcus just looked empty and far away. At those moments, Ray grew afraid that he wouldn’t be able to call him back no matter how many times he called his name. Now he felt that same fear as he waited. Knowing himself too well, Ray knew he wouldn’t wait for long. If Marcus didn’t call soon, he would call him. Hell, he would hunt him down and… No. He waited instead, never letting his phone out of his sight. Saturday evening, Marcus came over without calling.

  First Ray heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, Marcus was standing there. Ray wanted to ask him how long, but he stopped. Marcus’s face looked drawn, too much the way it was when Ray first saw him.

  “Come in,” he said.

  Marcus came in slowly and looked around the same way Ray remembered him looking around his bedroom the last time he was there. It was like Marcus was back in a familiar place after years of being away, and he was searching for the small changes that would tell him that time had passed and things weren’t the way they used to be. Ray held his breath.

  “You have a nice place here,” Marcus said in a quiet voice.

  Ray was speechless. He wanted to scream at him that he had been there before. That they had fucked there, slept here, sat around doing nothing. But that was only for a few days, Ray realized. To him it seemed longer or at least more significant, but it was really so brief. Though Ray wanted to remind Marcus of everything they did together, he waited instead for the next thing Marcus would say and dreaded it.

  “You’re too good at what you do.” Those were his next words.

  Ray drew back like he could shield himself from what was coming by making more space between them.

  “Don’t say it like that.” Ray knew what Marcus was trying to do. He wanted to make Ray let go of him by telling him things that would hurt him. “Don’t insult me. I told you that part of my life was over.”

  Marcus didn’t say any more. In place of whatever he had planned, he said, “I’m sorry.” In the end, he didn’t have the heart for it.

  It wouldn’t have worked anyway. Ray wasn’t going to let him go because he tried to hurt him so clumsily. Ray would let him go because Marcus needed him to. But not yet. He had to fight a little.

  “Don’t you know when something is real?” Ray asked him.

  Marcus answered with a hard “No.” He gestured around the room. “This isn’t real.”

  Ray wanted to scream again. He was talking to a crazy person. How could he win? What was Marcus telling him? It was like he was waking up from some too pleasant dream after recognizing that it was too good to be true. Now he was abandoning it as a fantasy, renouncing it. It scared him. Ray was part of the dream.

  Marcus was looking at the floor now, determined not to look at him.

  “I didn’t think I could feel this.” He looked so unhappy about it. It was like he had realized that he had done something very wrong and was now confessing his guilt. Turning to Ray, he said, “You were too good to me.”

  “If I’m hurting you, I’m sorry,” Marcus said. He had looked up and seen what he didn’t want to see. Ray couldn’t hide the anguish he felt. The desperation to hold on to Marcus was consuming him.

  “If you’re hurting me?” Ray said. How could there be any question about that?

  “I thought you would be more cynical, not get so involved.” Marcus shrugged pretending that what Ray felt didn’t matter to him. But he could tell that it did. Marcus could only look at him in quick, painful glances.

  “Because I used to get paid for it, I’m not supposed to feel?”

  “No. Yes. I thought you might have learned not to take things to heart.”

  “Everyone falls sooner or later,” Ray said, feeling hopeless like someone falling a long way with nothing to grab onto, nothing to save them.

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” Marcus’s voice became rough as he said those words. He bent his head lower. Again he said, “I’m sorry” more simply, in one breath, just loud enough for Ray to hear.

  Ray didn’t want to hear. He didn’t want his apologies. He wanted Marcus to stay, but he was gone. The door closed behind him. As soon as he left, it was like everything stopped. It was so quiet. It was hard for him to believe that he wasn’t completely alone in an empty world.

  He looked around his empty apartment but not the way Marcus had. Ray looked around the way one might look around a prison that offered no hope of escape. That feeling was inside him. It wasn’t brought on by the walls that surrounded him. Ray had made some kind of terrible mistake and lost Marcus because of it. He had misjudged him, his state of mind. He had pushed him too far. If he had kept things casual, this wouldn’t have happened. Though it sounded like it couldn’t be true, making Marcus happy was a terrible mistake. Ray kept telling himself not to get used to him, not to count on him, but he didn’t listen. He hadn’t seen the trap he had fallen into. He hadn’t realized that to Marcus even his own modest apartment was like a paradise that had to be left, that couldn’t last.

  Ray watched the darkness shift and move over the world. He lay on his back, stared at the ceiling as it slowly brightened with daylight. He wondered how many nights and how many days of nothingness he would have to live through if he couldn’t get him back. Ray had no plans. That left all day Sunday free for him to dwell on his mistake and be miserable over Marcus.

  After a day spent in his apartment, crawling around like a snail, sickened by everything he touched, he thought there would be another sleepless night to carry him into the next day. Sleep snuck up on him at the last minute because Monday morning he woke up to the sound of his alarm. It was good to have to go to work. Ray looked forward to being depressed in another location not this pit of an apartment that just kept sucking him in deeper with its reminders of Marcus.

  He stood up from his bed with a groan and stretched to force his body to acknowledge that it was awake no matter how much it didn’t want to be. Ray stood under the shower too long. He wanted it to wash everything away, but it couldn’t. It was only lukewarm water.

  *

  When Marcus didn’t come back and he couldn’t reach him, Ray tried to hold on but he kept sinking, losing hope. Time stretched out. In his desperation, he called Lionel so he could tell him how he screwed up. Lionel invited him over that evening.

  Stupidly, Ray thought Marcus might be there. When he arrived, he forced himself not to look around Lionel’s penthouse searching for Marcus. Lionel motioned him inside while on the phone then went off to his office. Ray didn’t really expect Marcus to be there. Lionel didn’t play those kinds of games. Ray dropped into his plush couch dejected.

  The interior of the penthouse was dim with amber light of the sunset filling the space through the giant windows. The furnishings were dark, modern, confident, but also inviting. This was Lionel’s style, which Ray recognized from his other apartments. As he waited for him to finish up his phone call, Ray thought about how often Lionel moved. Though Ray sometimes suspected that he did it for reasons of security, he didn’t think it was good for him to move so often, to uproot himself all the time, to never settle.

  “I lost him,” he said as soon as Lionel returned.
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br />   He almost thought Lionel might tell him, “What did you expect?” Instead Lionel handed him a drink and told him Marcus was doing better. Ray looked up at him eagerly, glad to hear it, glad for any news about him.

  “That’s thanks to you, I think. We are both very lucky to know you,” Lionel told him with a smile. Ray stared at him. He wanted to make sure he wasn’t being sarcastic.

  Ray was gratified that Lionel was giving him credit instead of blaming him. But he wasn’t as happy as he should have been. This had stopped being about pleasing Lionel a while ago. And he had to confess his big mistake to him.

  “I got too involved with him. I went too far, too fast. I should have kept it casual. What if I set him back?” he was worried. He was desperate for Lionel to reassure him and he did.

  “I don’t believe that. You did exactly what I wanted you to do. You showed him that there was something worth living for. That he shouldn’t give up. You gave him something real.”

  Ray was surprised that Lionel was taking his blundering so well.

  “But didn’t I overstep with Marcus? Aren’t you mad that I let himself get carried away with him?” he still couldn’t believe that Lionel didn’t hold it against him.

  “I asked you to save a man’s life. I can’t blame you for caring too much,” Lionel said simply. He could be so kind and understand though he was a hard man. Ray wished Marcus would get to know him like this, see what a good man he was.

  He thought about Lionel and Marcus standing next to each other. It was strange that in such a short time, Marcus had eclipsed Lionel. Lionel was still important to him, but Marcus pulled at him in a way he couldn’t escape and didn’t want to no matter how much pain it caused him.

  Lionel was giving him a wry smile. Ray looked down at the drink in his hand. He had barely wet his mouth with it. Taking a sip, Ray stared at the darkening, moody light of the setting sun. It suited Lionel and his penthouse so well. It was like he had brought the sky in line with his own taste. But for once Ray was not in awe of him. He felt differently about him. Lionel was someone new to him now. He was Marcus’s uncle.

  “I feel like everything has changed. Me. Even you.” Ray made it clear that change wasn’t good. Things had been easier before.

  “And Marcus too. Marcus was this close to suicide when he met you. Don’t forget that. You saved him. Even if you never see him again, you have that.”

  “I don’t want credit.”

  “You want more. Then you’ll have to be patient. He’ll come to terms with it. You’ll see.” From his words, Ray could tell that Lionel had a lot of confidence in Marcus, in his strength. “You gave him a lifeline. He is strong and he’ll use it to pull himself up. You shone a light into a dark room, now he knows light exists. He’ll reach for it,” Lionel was almost promising him that Marcus would return. Ray wanted so much to believe him, but it wasn‘t his promises he needed. It wasn’t any promise. Ray needed the man himself to stand in front in him in the flesh and embrace him.

  Ray recovered a little as he talked to Lionel about him and Marcus. He didn’t feel like he was breaking any confidences. He talked because he needed to. Lionel didn’t ask any questions. He didn’t try to get any more information than he was willing to give. He was glad to hear so much about Marcus, and he was understanding too.

  As Ray was leaving, Lionel stared at him with that fond look he sometimes gave him. He looked down at Lionel’s strong hands which clasped Ray’s.

  “You did a very good thing,” he said.

  “I did it mostly for me.”

  “Good. That makes it worth even more because it wasn’t charity or a favor to me.”

  Walking away in the deep red light of the evening, Ray was aware that this visit with Lionel was different from all the others going all the way back to the night he met him. There was something simpler between them now. Ray had still felt better in his company, like he used to. But as soon as he left, thoughts of Marcus pressed down on him again. Ray felt his absence like a weight that might crush him. The only thing he had to hold onto was that Lionel said Marcus was doing better.

  *

  Marcus had been able to barge in only because Lionel had told his security people that he should be allowed to barge in whenever he wished. Though he claimed to be furious with Lionel, Marcus was really frightened, mostly of his own feelings. He carried with him a desperation to cling to his sense of guilt and loss. It was as if Marcus wanted to be saved from happiness and love. .If only he could be locked away where good things could never reach him. Though he raged at Lionel, he was really angry at himself. He probably couldn’t be angry at Ray.

  For a while, Lionel let him rage. But he also looked at him closely. Marcus was more alive than he had been since the accident. He was in turmoil, but that was because he had been shaken up by new feelings. Lionel almost envied him his youthful love, his inexperience. A lifetime of lost lovers had jaded Lionel. Now he put on his hardened skin and showed Marcus the door. How he wished he could sit and talk with him the way he did with Ray. But Marcus was both closer and further away from him because he was family.

  *

  As time went on, the pain that started when Marcus walked away from him only deepened. Ray couldn’t stand the thought that he would never see him again. He couldn’t lose him. He would chase him down no matter how ridiculous he looked. Ray would make as big a fool of himself as it would take to get him back. But when he really considered it, that wasn’t the way. Marcus didn’t need some big show of his foolishness. He needed to deal with the very real guilt that was eating him alive. Compared to that, Ray’s pain was nothing. But knowing that didn’t make it hurt less. It only made him hurt more for Marcus.

  Going to him would be pointless as long as there was nothing he could say or do that could ease his pain. Ray could distract him from dark thoughts, but he couldn’t banish them forever. It would have been better if he hadn’t tried to. If he had kept to his strengths. Ray could have given him a little fun and pleasure, let him sort out the rest. He couldn’t offer him anything real. Ray didn’t have it in him. But, for a long stretches of time, he thought he did and that he could. He had been floating, carried high by thoughts of Marcus, of a life together. But he was standing on the surface of a bubble, not knowing it wasn’t solid and the slightest pressure would make it burst.

  Now, for his own good, Ray had to shake off this feeling. No matter how good it had been with Marcus, he couldn’t lose himself over it. Ray had to hold on to something that was solid in his life. He looked around his apartment as if the objects in it could anchor him to reality. But everything there reminded him of Marcus. He hadn’t realized that letting Marcus spend time in his space would change even the place where he lived into a place where Marcus had been.

  But this was where he lived. Ray had to reclaim it. He kept busy with stupid projects. He spent days and days shopping for a slipcover that wasn’t hideous and would fit his sofa. He refinished the coffee table. He scrubbed his kitchen from top to bottom, in and out. though cooking depressed him these days. Despite that, he did go over to Lydia’s to cook. He wanted to practice making some vegan dishes. Plus he wanted to make her some decent vegan food so she would get to eat something other than that terrible, prepackaged stuff she was always buying. Ray wished he could teach her to cook, but she had no knack for it. She watched his cooking like she was watching a magic show. It did his ego good to be looked at as a kitchen magician.

  Since he wasn’t cooking for himself the way he used to, he wasn’t eating healthy food as much. That meant he had exercised a lot more. He had other reasons too. It helped to empty his mind and to tire him out so he could sleep. And he was thinking that if Marcus came back, at least he would find him in great shape.

  He had a list of projects now to keep him occupied. He painted the bookshelf and took the opportunity to reorganized the books. Ray forced himself to read and go out with his friends. But he never really stopped waiting.

  His friends knew he
had been down for a while, and they worried. Ray told them a little about Marcus. But he was still hoping that they would get to meet him, see for themselves who Marcus was and why he was so wonderful. Paolo said to him, “If you fed him, he’ll be back.” When everyone gave him dirty looks for saying that, he defended himself in his own way.

  “What? I am not saying he is a dog. I am saying he is a man, and the two are exactly the same. And Ray, don’t you worry, that puppy is yours forever,” he assured him while everyone else gave him more dirty looks.

  Ray only wished it was that simple.

  Ray was looking at the one beer he had left in his fridge. He was wondering when he drank the others. Lately, he had been losing track of things. He left his keys in the lock then spent an hour looking for them. Sometimes he would find that he was holding an object in his hand but he didn’t know why. Marcus had made him distracted and disorganized since before he even met him, and he still did that to him.

  Ray reached for the lonely beer ready to put it out of its misery. At the sound of the doorbell, he froze. His heart started pounding so hard he felt like a fist was trying to punch through his chest. This had happened before. There would be a knock or the doorbell would ring. Ray’s heart would become suicidal and try to jump out of his chest. Then he would open the door and someone else would be standing there. Maybe the delivery guy would be asking him to sign for a package for a neighbor. Or a neighbor would want to borrow some change for the laundry. Not this time.