Becoming

by Chris Ord

  Kali watched and waited, never moving, not even a twitch. There was all the time Kali needed. She was in command. This was a shock to Gaia who needed time to let it sink in, to settle and adjust. When her prisoner was ready Kali would explain everything and it would all become clear. Kali could see Gaia wrestling with her anger, fighting it. The training was coming good. The young one remembered. Kali waited for the right moment, then spoke, her voice assured.

  ‘I know this will be a shock to you.’

  Gaia bit her lip, vowing to remain silent, let Kali speak, let her explain. Gaia would not get drawn into conversation. Kali was clever, too clever. This needed thought. The anger had subsided, but the sting of disappointment began to seep through. The fury had snuffed out the pain, but flames of despair now flickered. Then came the questions. How could this be happening? After all the group had gone through, all they had suffered, how had it come to this? Gaia had travelled far only to be face to face again with her nemesis and darkest fear, the enemy. Gaia had run away to find herself, to find freedom, yet found herself staring into the eyes of all she had run from. How? Why? Everything lay shattered in pieces. The promise of something else, something better, was all gone.

  Gaia’s heart ached, the shards of shattered dreams, now splinters in her flesh. Anger was futile, fear was defeat. They could be controlled, but Gaia could not smother the bitter taste of her despair. Her eyes remained focused on Kali, not wanting to avert her gaze, determined, gripped in proxy combat. Inside Gaia was broken, wanted to let her head drop onto the table, her body crumble. She wanted to weep, collapse, surrender. But Gaia could not, and would not. It would be weakness, submission, defeat and there would be no surrender to Kali, never. Gaia had to stay strong, match her enemy, show her the spirit had not been destroyed. Gaia took a deep breath and prepared.

  Gaia widened her focus to take in the room, the prison cell. It was familiar, as she had dreamt. It was dark and windowless, the only light from a lamp that stood on the table. The smell of damp was everywhere. Beyond Kali, the faint glow failed to reach into the corners. The room was a veil of shadows.

  Kali was as before, still dressed in the standard issue green and navy, hair cropped, eyes cold crystal blue. Her light, almost translucent skin, rugged and scarred. Her body lean and strong, older but still fit and powerful. The leader’s presence was imposing and intimidating. Kali spoke again in a clear and commanding tone. It was the voice of authority, someone who knew they were in control.

  ‘What I’m about to tell you could be difficult to take in. You might struggle to accept it, but in time you will. You must if you are to have a future.’

  Kali paused, lowered her arms, leant forward and placed them on the table. Her face was closer than ever, eyes still locked on Gaia, burning, laser sharp and precise. The leader was weighing her victim up, looking for a reaction, waiting for a response. Gaia stared back, holding her ground, refusing to be intimidated. Gaia said nothing. There was so much going on inside her head, so many conversations. The calm internal voice was wrestling and reasoning with the other frantic screaming of her emotions. Gaia was tormented, dizzy and confused, but refused to show Kali. The leader waited, continued to scan her captive for any hint of emotion or response, hoping for a reaction, but there was none. When Kali realised nothing would come, she spoke again. This time a more measured, calmer voice, almost reassuring and comforting.

  ‘Your escape from the island, your journey here, you thought it was all some grand plan, your chance to be free. You were wrong.’

  Kali paused, allowing the words to sink in, waiting for a response. Kali had realised Gaia’s game, suppressing the emotion, giving little away. Gaia was attempting to remain in control, the training was working. This was good, very good. Kali was impressed. The leaders had programmed Gaia well. Kali continued.

  ‘You see thirty seven, this whole charade was planned. Not by you, but by us, the leaders. The escape was a test.’

  Gaia listened to the words, trying to process them. The words tumbled over in her head, one by one. Kali went on.

  ‘We allowed you to escape. I allowed it, because that’s what the community wanted. That’s what I wanted.’

  This was a trick, one of Kali’s games. There was no way the community would have allowed this to happen, no way Kali could have planned this. Why would they? Why take the risk? Gaia was convinced Kali was toying with her. Just let her speak, let the words wash away, ignore her. Let her think she was in control, let her play this out. Gaia knew the truth, and could see through this pathetic little game. Kali grinned and kept pressing.

  ‘I know what you’re thinking, but it’s true. This was all just a test, your final test. You see thirty seven you’re one of the special few chosen. We’ve been watching you since you were born. We’ve always had big plans for you. We’ve been moulding you, shaping you. All of your education and training, it’s all led to this point. We’ve programmed you to become a leader. That’s what all your training has been about. Right from the beginning this was always going to be the end. The escape was a test to see if you’re capable and worthy.’

  Kali paused and smiled. Opening her arms up to the darkness, she almost sang out the words in glory.

  ‘This is it thirty seven. This is your becoming.’

  Gaia erupted inside. Lies! This was all lies! Kali was adding layer upon layer to make the story convincing, but Gaia smelt the desperation. Gaia began to process Kali’s words, unpick and destroy them. The community could never admit to the escape. This would be too much for the egos of the leaders. They would have to save face, could not let escapees think they had succeeded. What better way to destroy the group’s success than to concoct such a lie. The bigger the lie, the better. The leaders wanted to be in control, because they were always in control, could never lose it, but now they had. Gaia and the others had escaped, and humiliated the community. Now the leaders needed a story to destroy that.

  Kali had plunged the blade of her words into Gaia’s chest and began to twist them, the pleasure dripping from her face.

  ‘You made it. You survived. All that training paid off. You’ve shown us your desire to survive at all costs. You’ve done what was needed. You’ve killed. Yes, you’ve killed, and will do anything to survive. That is what we need in a leader.’

  Gaia remembered Hakan. The knife plunged inside his bloodied corpse. Not only had Gaia killed, but she had murdered a leader. The community would never let her get away with it. The leaders would make her pay for what she had done. Kali’s voice dropped to a whisper, her face still pressed close to Gaia.

  ‘We have concerns, grave concerns. There’s always a risk with your type. You’re the brilliant ones, the ones with the exceptional talents and skills. You’re intelligent, the very brightest, but all that brilliance comes with an edge.’

  Kali paused, standing back from the table.

  ‘But you always want more, and think there’s something out there that you deserve. Why? That’s the problem. You know you’re special and you want it all. But the biggest problem is that you want freedom. The community built you to be the best, but you think you’re to good for us. You’re wrong.’

  Kali began to pace back and forward. Gaia could no longer see her face, only her body moving. The leader kept up the tirade, Gaia still trying to block out the words.

  ‘The community needs you, and you need us. Despite the risk. I want to harness your brilliance. You and seventy three, you were my project. You were both given to me by the community. It was my job to make you what you’ve become. You’ve got so much to offer, more than you’ll ever realise. I’ve always known it. I knew there’d be problems. There was bound to be with two as brilliant as you, but you’ve come through. You’ve both survived.

  Kali stepped forward, her face coming into view again. Her eyes were large, more intense, burning with passion and conviction. This was no longer an order, it was almost a plea to Gaia, a plea and a warning.

  ‘I need to be su
re that you’re onside, that you’ll commit. The community is the place you belong, the place you can realise everything you are and could become. But I have to be sure of that, if you’re to pass the test and both join me.’

  Gaia laughed inside, a laugh of disdain. Kali had changed tack now, moved to flattery in an attempt to disarm Gaia. It would not work. Kali thought she could swamp her victim in gushing praise, make her feel so very special and valued. Gaia knew these techniques so well. It was pathetic, almost insulting. The leader would have to do better than this. This was disappointing. Gaia would never fall for it. Let her keep talking and digging, remain calm and silent, let the words pass by. They were only words, small, plain, and harmless words. They were empty and meaningless. They only had meaning and power if Gaia let them. Gaia would not let them. Kali was not finished.

  ‘I know you’ve got doubts about us, but this is where you belong. The community created you. Everything you are is because of us. You’re only here in this room because we wanted it to happen. Everything that has led to this moment was because of us.’

  Kali paused. The words echoed inside Gaia’s head, still trying to push them out, expel them, but they twisted and turned refusing to leave. The words were laughing at Gaia, mocking her. Not content with this assault Kali kept up the attack.

  ‘You think you chose this, but did you? What led you to make those choices? What made you the person who would make them? What gave you the courage to do what you did Ask yourself who made you what you are?’

  Gaia tried to deflect the words. They were only words, and meant nothing unless she let them. Gaia was in control, not Kali. The words would not hurt her. Never! Kali continued to batter Gaia, trying to weaken her.

  ‘I know you think there’s something else, something better. There isn’t. You’ve seen the world out there. You’ve walked through it, seen what it’s become. It’s a lawless place filled with nothing but chaos. There’s no order or structure, no values. It’s a world of death and destruction.’

  The words were breaking through despite all Gaia’s effort. The images of the journey flashed in her mind - the spiders, rats, the blood and slaughter. Kali was weakening her and they both knew it. The leader increased the pressure.

  ‘Is that what you call freedom? That is chaos. That is survival, nothing more. Everyone and everything is out to destroy you. That’s the reality of the world we’ve inherited, the world the fools of the past plunged us into. We’re the future, and we’re fighting back. The community offers something better. We create order and structure, provide freedom from harm, and suffering. You’ve got the freedom to be someone, to contribute, to be part of that new future, to help build something even better. The community’s your best chance of that future and the freedom you want. The community is real. Out there is nothing. The other world you’re looking for doesn’t exist. If you stay with us you can make the world you want.’

  Gaia tried to shut out the words, but it was pointless. They broke through and were disarming her. The different voices in her head were still fighting, at odds, but a new voice had emerged. This voice was telling Gaia to listen to Kali’s words, maybe the enemy had a point. The voice reminded Gaia of the pain the group had endured on their journey, of the daily struggle to survive, the relentless fear and the loss. The voice spoke of the people they had met, and the creatures they had faced and run from.

  Life in the community was oppressive and controlled. It had suffocated Gaia to the point where she had to break free, but life had been safer and more secure on the island. Gaia had a role, a purpose, and was part of a structure. Another internal voice spoke. What Gaia was looking for was not the chaos and disorder of the world outside, nor was it the oppression of the community. The world was as Kali described, but Gaia did not want to be part of it, or simply survive. She wanted something else - a new way of life, a different place, somewhere with order, structure, security, but something more. Gaia wanted to find who she was, not be moulded or shaped, a cog in a machine. She wanted to be Gaia not thirty seven, whoever Gaia really was.

  Kali was on a roll, the blade deep and the wounds oozing blood. She just needed to keep twisting, one turn at a time, keep her victim wincing, increasing the pain.

  ‘There are many amongst the leaders that think I’ve lost you, that you’ve already gone, that you can no longer be saved.’

  Kali leant forward onto the table and pressed her face close. Gaia felt the heat of the leader’s stale breath as she spat out the words.

  ‘I’ll save you. Whatever it takes I’ll save you.’

  Kali remained poised, the tension hanging over them. Stepping back, the leader stood up straight, stretched, and placed both hands together. Kali began to play with her fingers. There was a long pause, as she lowered the tone and pace of the assault. The words were getting through, working. Kali was winning, as she always did.

  ‘You may be brilliant, but you can’t see beyond your own ego. It tells you you’re always right. How could you ever be wrong?’

  Kali laughed. It was cold, heartless, chilling. Its waves and echoes cut through Gaia. Kali sneered out more words from the ashes of her laughter.

  ‘There is no right or wrong anymore. In a world of order there’s survival. Survival built on structure, safety and security. In a world of chaos there is pain. The only true escape is death. The freedom you want, the freedom of chaos only ever leads to pain and death. So, what’s it going to be? Order or chaos? Pleasure or pain? Life or death? You choose.’

  The voices inside Gaia wrestled. Her head was spinning with confusion. Every instinct was telling her not to trust Kali, that her enemy was manipulating and playing with her, trying to mould and shape her as the community had moulded and shaped her life. There was the voice of doubt, the one that heard the logic and reason in Kali’s words. It saw the opportunity, and the potential for a way out. There was also the voice of hope, telling Gaia that Kali was wrong, there was another way, there had to be. This voice clung to the faintest glimmer of light, the tiny remaining fragment of faith that told her such a community existed somewhere. There was an alternative.

  Kali removed the cold blade, leaving only the open wound, the icy pain inside. She stepped back and folded her arms, eyes staring down at Gaia, the cold blue pinning her victim to the chair. There was a pause. The leader continued, laying out her final offer, voice lowered to a whisper.

  ‘I’ve persuaded the other leaders to give me time. I’ve told them I can save you, bring you back. There’s still a chance for you. What I’m offering is this. I want you to become a leader. You’ve survived the test, proven yourself. You’ll have responsibility, power, influence. You’ll be able to support, shape and mould the lives of others. You’ll be able to develop your brilliance, and skills. You’ll be able to build that better world you seek. I’m offering you the chance to be somebody, be part of something. You’ll work alongside me and seventy three. I’ll train you both, help you develop. I’ll give you all that I know.’

  Kali paused again, wanted Gaia to soak up the words, understand them, think the offer through. This moment could make or break Gaia.

  ‘I have to be convinced that you’re with us. I’ve got to be sure that you’re what you were always meant to be. I can save you, but only if you let me.’

  Gaia listened to Kali’s words as they burrowed into her. Each word twisted inside her like a hot knife, feeling the pain of their promise and loss. Here was a choice, a way back, an opportunity. This was a path, a certain future. What were the alternatives? What would happen if Gaia did not accept? What Kali was offering was not a real choice. This was the only real option. Kali wanted to save Gaia, but this was for Kali not Gaia. Freya and Gaia were Kali’s project, and the leader did not want to see her project fail.

  Gaia was tired, her body weary and aching all over. The battle in her mind had burnt her out, along with the struggle of the past few days. Everything had converged and was crushing Gaia. She needed rest and food. Gaia had heard Kali�
�s pleas and held her resolve, not becoming locked in a row, or war of words. Gaia had listened and fought the onslaught, knew what was being offered. Now she just wanted to eat and rest.

  ‘I’m hungry.’

  ‘Of course, you must be. I’ll get you some food.’

  Kali left the room. Gaia was alone, and gazed around the room, unable to see much but shadows. The table was dark wood, old and stained. Some of the stains were a deep dark red. The surface was scratched, littered with graffiti and etchings. The lamp flickered and hissed, the faint smell of kerosene mixed with the rank odour of the damp. The silence and solitude let the sickly smell creep back into her consciousness. Gaia could not bear it, feeling sick, as though she might choke. She listened to the rumbles in her stomach echo, the bubbles rattling inside.

  Kali returned with a plate of meat, bread, cheese and salad, and a plastic beaker of apple juice. Gaia ate and drank in silence, while Kali looked on. Kali took the plate and beaker and stood at the table opposite Gaia.

  ‘I’m going to leave you to think about what I’ve said. When I return I want an answer.’

  Kali left the room, locking the door behind her. Gaia laid her arms on the table and rested her head on them. She stared at the flickering flame of the lamp. After all they had been through it had come to this. Where were Aran, Freya, and the girls? Gaia pictured Aran’s face and tried to feel the warmth of his lips, the delicate touch of his hand. Would she ever see Aran again?

  Gaia’s heart sank, the pain of loneliness and despair flooded through her. Alone with only her thoughts, Gaia realised she was weeping. Lost and lonely tears trickled down the side of her face. The light of the lamp hissed much louder, the flame flared, faded, and went out. Gaia was plunged into darkness, with her tears in the musty, foul stench of this cell. She had no idea where she was, or what the future held. There was a choice which was no choice at all, and time to think and dwell. How much time was not known. Gaia closed her eyes, fought back the tears, her eyelids trapping them. She drifted into a deep sleep. There were no dreams and no nightmares. There was only emptiness and darkness, and drowning in the depths of loneliness.