Lila did her best to keep her breathing even. She didn’t like remembering that day. But she wanted to get better, to do the work that would hopefully help her feel closer to the way she’d been before. She thought back to that afternoon and tried to order her thoughts.
It had been one hell of an argument. It was the middle of July and the air was so thick it pressed on her like a stone. It actually felt like she was wearing one of those X-ray aprons. She took a hit of her inhaler before she rang Tyler’s doorbell. Lila knew she could just walk in, but she wanted to make the breakup a strangely formal thing.
She’d been sitting on the news of her transfer all summer. She’d found out right before they’d finished the semester at State that Davis had accepted her. Transferring meant giving up her scholarship, but that was a small price to pay for her freedom. She couldn’t imagine another year of school with Tyler—couldn’t imagine another day with him. Lila had gotten a summer job and had been using that as an excuse not to see him much, but she knew she was going to have to face him eventually.
He opened the door, his face breaking into a wide smile. It must be one of his good days. Lila hoped it would last. He leaned down and gave her a kiss. Lila remembered when even the slightest touch of his hand made her quiver. Now when he touched her, she just felt dirty.
She stepped inside, looking around for his mom and dad, but they didn’t appear to be home, even though one of the cars was in the driveway. “I wanted to say hi to your mom,” she said as a way of finding out without really asking whether they were home.
“They went out to watch the Rays play,” Tyler said, his arms catching her around her waist. “Can’t say I’m disappointed though. I’ve missed you.” He lowered his head to hers, his lips soft and warm.
Lila let him kiss her for a few moments, then tried to pull away. His grip around her waist tightened, and his green eyes turned dark. Crap. She should have just endured the kiss. She smiled up at him, trying to avoid an argument or worse, and brushed a piece of hair from his forehead. “I missed you too.” The lie felt like lead in her mouth.
His smile returned, though not as broad as before. He pinched her waist. “Better watch it, Lil. You’re getting a little chunky there.”
She stiffened in his arms before she could stop herself. She knew she hadn’t gained any weight—her clothes still fit the way they always had and her scale told her she still weighed the same as the day they’d graduated high school. There had been no freshman fifteen for Lila. Tyler wouldn’t have let her hear the end of it if she had. Instead of telling him so though, she just moved out of his arms completely. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“Sure, we can go to my room.” He winked at her.
Lila shuffled uneasily. She didn’t want to go up to his room. She wanted to stay here in the living room where there were a number of exits and where it wasn’t so private. “I thought we could talk in here.”
He frowned at her, his expression turning hard as his brows drew down over his eyes. “Don’t be a bitch. I just wanted to show you something, that’s all. Jesus, Lil. Way to ruin the moment.”
Lila flinched at the sound of his voice. There was nothing playful in it anymore; instead it was hard and cold. She knew she’d fucked up. “Okay, sorry,” she said in a small voice. Even now, when she was trying to end things, she still hated to upset him.
He dropped his arm around her shoulder and led her down the hall. His parents’ house was a sprawling ranch and Tyler’s bedroom was at the back of it. He opened the door, revealing a huge room with a king size bed, an entertainment center that held a flat panel TV, stereo surround sound and two gaming consoles, and piles of books and laundry. Tyler wasn’t big on picking up after himself. When they were at school, his dorm room was a pit of practice clothes and baseball gear.
He sat on the bed, pulling her down to sit next to him. “So what did you have to show me?” she asked, a nervous feeling in her stomach. Now that she was face to face with him, she wasn’t sure if she would be able to tell him about the transfer.
He leaned over and kissed her, his tongue sliding through her lips, forcing them open. Lila felt his hand close over her breast. His other hand went to work on the fastenings of her khaki shorts. She put her hands on his, trying to stop his fingers from exploring and getting her shorts off. She pulled her mouth away from him.
“I really do need to talk to you,” she repeated, trying not to sound adversarial.
He sighed, his eyelids drooping. “I’ve missed you so bad, Lil.” His arms wound around her waist, pulling her over until she sat in his lap. She could feel his erection straining against the front of his shorts. “I need to be inside you.” He didn’t ask what she needed.
He hadn’t in a long time.
His breath was hot on her neck as he rained kisses down it. “You’ve missed me too, right?”
“I’m transferring.” Before she could stop them, the words popped out of her mouth. Oh yeah, this is exactly how I wanted it to go, Lila thought, cursing herself. She’d meant to ease into it, to deliver the news gently, not just spout off about it. But she hadn’t wanted to have sex with him and once he got started he didn’t take no for an answer.
He pulled his face from her neck. “What?”
Lila felt Tyler’s arms relax around her waist, so she pulled herself to her feet. “I’m transferring schools. I’m not going back to State in the fall.” She edged closer to his closed bedroom door.
“Don’t be stupid,” he said, looking up at her from his seat on the bed. Lila was glad he was still sitting down. “You’re not transferring.” The tone of his voice was indulgent, as if he were only going along with her to appease her.
Lila gritted her teeth. She hated when he used that condescending tone on her. It made her feel like she was being patted on the head and told “there there” and sent away while the adults talked about the important things. She was not a child or a moron and she hated when he made her feel that way. It was just one thing among the many that made her realize she had to get away from him.
“Um, yeah, I am transferring. And I’m not stupid.” Boy, that came out snottier than she intended.
He got to his feet and walked over to his dresser. Bottles of cologne, old magazines, and dusty picture frames littered the top of it. He reached out and picked up a frame of the two of them at prom. “Why didn’t you talk to me about it first?” His voice was tight, as if he were holding back his emotions.
Lila eyed him warily, wondering if they were actually going to be able to talk about this without it escalating into a screaming fight. “I thought you’d be mad.” That much was true, and it was so much a part of how she’d been living her life that she thought she might suffocate.
“What about your scholarship?” He turned and faced her, the picture of the two of them still in his hands.
“I’ll get a job,” she answered quietly. She’d thought over all of these things and had talked it over with her mother. As much as she hated giving up the scholarship money, she couldn’t stay at State. She’d gotten some loans and would do some work/study and hopefully get a job off campus. She’d make do somehow.
“Thought of everything, have you?” His voice was deceptively quiet. Lila felt every muscle within her tense and her eyes skidded toward the closed door.
“I wanted to be sure I’d get in before I told you,” she whispered, knowing where this was going to lead.
He chucked the picture frame at her head. Lila ducked out of practice and the glass shattered against the wall behind her. The edge of the frame had left a gouge in the wall. Lila bolted to the door but Tyler was already moving and grabbed her before she had a chance to turn the handle.
His hands closed around her upper arms in a grip so hard she cried out. She could already feel the bruises forming. Tyler shook her, hard, and yelled in her face, “You don’t get to leave me! I decide when we’re done!”
“Tyler, stop it!” she shouted back, struggling in h
is hands. His grasp on her, if possible, grew tighter.
His face was inches from her. Lila looked into his eyes, terrified at the absence of any…anything in them. They were green pools of mindless anger. “You’re not going!” he spat. He slammed her up against the wall with all of his strength and Lila cried out when her head smacked into it. “I’m not letting you leave me,” he hissed.
His mouth slammed into hers, bruising, and tearing and hurting. Lila felt like his tongue would choke her and she bit down hard on it. Tyler pulled away, cursing. He stared at her for a long moment and Lila prayed he’d just let her go. Then he simply picked her up and threw her onto his bed.
Air rushed out of her lungs as she hit the mattress. She scrambled to get away, but Tyler grabbed the tail of her shirt, ripping it with a snarl of material and yanking her back. He flipped her over onto her back, smothering her struggles with his heavier frame. Lila clawed at him, but he put his forearm against her throat and began to apply pressure.
Lila couldn’t breathe. It was worse than an asthma attack, because at least then adrenaline would help alleviate some of the tightness in her chest. She smacked at his arms, desperate to get some air. He let up a little, just enough to let her take small breaths.
“Who’s leaving now?” he asked softly, his free hand sliding between their bodies to fumble at the waistband of her shorts.
“Don’t. Please.” Her words were ragged, and then cut off completely when he pressed down on her throat again.
Lila felt the button to her shorts pop open and she began to struggle again. This wasn’t what she wanted and she never in her life thought he would go this far. Hitting her was one thing. This…this was more than she could even imagine him doing.
She tried to claw his eyes, but he moved his head away. She slapped at him, but with her losing air, her hands were slow and her slaps were nothing to him. Even when she wasn’t gasping for breath, she’d never been able to hurt him enough to get him to stop when he’d hit her.
But his leaning backwards to give his hands room to work had lessened his weight on her hips. She bucked up and rolled, sending the side of her hip into his groin. It was only a glancing blow, but he doubled up. His forearm pulled away from her neck as he grunted and clutched his crotch.
Lila slithered away from him, coughing as she tried to get a lungful of air in her. She staggered to the door, not worrying about the ripped shirt or how she looked. She just wanted to get out of there before Tyler did something worse.
She got the door open with shaking hands just as Tyler ground out, “I’m going to fucking kill you, you stupid fucking whore.”
Lila bolted, not looking back to see if he followed after. She just had to get out of the house. The back door that led to a stone patio and the backyard was closest so Lila headed for that. She heard footsteps behind her and felt her breath hitch in fear. Panic clawed at her throat. He was coming after her.
The patio door was unlocked. It led to a large half-moon stone patio. Seven wide stone steps led down to it. Lila tore open the door, losing precious seconds as she did so. As she hit the second step, a hand roughly grabbed her upper arm.
Tyler tried to yank her back inside the house, but Lila pushed backwards with all of her weight. “Get in here!” he gritted, trying to grab her other arm. His face was bright red with anger and frustration. He had some scratch marks on his face. “Stop fucking fighting me!”
“Let go of ME!” Lila screamed, not caring if the neighbors heard. She wanted never to see him again.
His green eyes went flat, the pupil practically swallowing up the iris. Then he flung her as hard as he could down the steps.
Lila tried to break her fall, but felt something snap in her wrist as she hit the first step. Pain flew up her arm like it had wings. Then her head smashed into the side of the steps and everything went white.
She finished her tale. When Lila looked at Ms. Feinberg, she wasn’t sure what she would see in the woman’s eyes. Maybe disappointment or disgust—that wouldn’t have surprised her. But all she saw was acceptance and empathy. She cleared her throat, uncomfortable. “So, that’s what happened.”
“Thank you for telling me. I know that couldn’t have been easy for you.”
“Easier telling it than living with it, I guess.” Lila shrugged. She remembered what Gretchen said about talking about it, about letting someone here everything that happened to her. She was trying.
“You will always live with it,” Ms. Feinberg began, leaning forward. “But it doesn’t have to be the only thing that defines you.” She smiled. “So let’s work on that, alright?”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Greg stopped by the café, backpack slung haphazardly over one shoulder. Lila smiled at him as he came in, already pouring him a cup of coffee. He wore a grey t-shirt that hugged his leanly muscled chest and stomach. It was half tucked into the waistband of his jeans. His blond hair was loose, obscuring his profile. His blue eyes glinted behind wire-rimmed glasses.
“Thanks,” he said, taking the to-go cup she had ready for him.
“I didn’t know you wore glasses,” Lila said, for lack of anything super interesting to say.
Greg made a face. “I usually wear contacts but my eyes needed a break. I hate wearing them.” He ducked his head self-consciously.
“I like them.” Lila cocked her head and regarded him thoughtfully. “They make you look kind of studious.”
“Which is a very polite way of saying I look like a dork.” But he grinned when he said it.
“The geeks will inherit the earth one day.”
He set his elbows on the counter, putting his face close to hers. She could see how thick and light his eyelashes were. There were tiny lines around the round blueness of his eyes, magnified by the lenses he wore. She wanted to press her mouth against them, feel them against her lips as they deepened when he smiled.
What was wrong with her? It was as if she were going into sexual overdrive. First Van, now Greg. Maybe Tyler had been right to call her a whore and be worried about her faithfulness. Could she be some kind of nympho and not know it? She pushed thoughts of Tyler from her mind. She knew he was an abusive headcase that would say or do anything to get what he wanted. And he’d wanted her to feel bad about herself. She wasn’t going to give him the power to do that to her when he wasn’t even in the same city.
“So are you telling me you like the way I look in these?” Greg’s voice was a deep whisper, a tease of words.
He’s flirting with me. I’m flirting with him. This is me flirting.
And she was allowed.
Still, she was a little embarrassed by it all. Lila still felt weird receiving any male attention, and she definitely didn’t feel comfortable with the heavy weight of anyone looking at her for too long. But she was attracted to Greg, maybe as much as she felt toward Van. And she was on her own and free to pursue who and what she wanted.
Lila met his eyes. “Yeah. I do.”
He blinked. Lila wondered if she’d said the wrong thing. If maybe he’d just been flirting to be friendly, as a way of breaking the ice. They were in a band together, sort of. Maybe he was just being nice. And she’d gone and made things complicated by basically just admitting she thought he was hot in his glasses.
Awesome. Way to ruin the moment there, Lila. She wanted to hit herself over the head with one of the heavy coffee thermoses.
“If you like me in these, you should totally see me with the ones with the tape on the nose piece. Those make me look dead sexy,” he said, blue eyes snapping with humor.
“I’m not sure my heart could take it. And my panties might spontaneously combust.” Did she really just say that? Jesus, she needed a keeper. Gretchen should be required to go everywhere with her and make sure she didn’t say anything stupid.
“We wouldn’t want that to happen.” He gave her a wicked grin. “At least not in public.”
“Yeah, because that would be embarrassing. Not unlike this entire conversati
on,” she said, feeling her face flame.
“Hey,” Greg said, taking her hand. Lila let him do it, surprised by his gesture. “Come with me to a show tonight.”
“A show?”
“Yes. A show. A performance. Entertainment. Something to do when you are not studying or working. You are familiar with the concept, yes?”
Lila tried to smack him on the back of the head, but Greg moved out of the way, still keeping her hand clasped in his. “I know what a show is,” she growled at him, giving him a mock-glare. “I’m not a complete mental defective.”
He gave her a sketchy bow. “Apologies, my lady.” He released her hand. “So you’ll go?”
“What show?” Lila was tempted, but tried to keep the acceptance from her voice.
Greg just grinned proudly, as if he’d already heard her say yes.
***
Lila walked away from The Yard, the on-campus club that occasionally brought in the smaller bands that came through the college circuit, her ears ringing from the concert she and Greg had just attended. Her feet ached from standing and dancing and her throat felt raw from shouting to be heard over the din, but she was happy and tired and feeling buzzed on adrenaline. She loved going to concerts, loved the cathartic feel of screaming along with a crowd, of being one within a multitude of raised voices. She felt safest in a crowd, unable to be singled out. She was just one part of a larger whole and it was the best protection there was.
Greg walked beside her, slowing his ground-eating stride to keep even with her. “That was amazing!” he said, too loudly in the early morning quiet of the street. There were a few lights still on in the high-rise dormitories that surrounded them, the rectangles of light from the windows looking like teeth strung on a necklace.
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