Lila nodded, wrapping her arms around her waist in an effort to keep warm. It had been stifling hot in the club, but the temperature outside had dropped while they’d watched the show. She hadn’t wanted to keep track of a jacket, so she’d left it at home, but now she was regretting it as the wind whipped past her and rustled the leaves still hanging on the trees.
“Come over here,” Greg said, pulling her into him. He draped his arm around her, keeping her close. “That a little better?”
Looking up at him, she nodded. His hair was pulled back, and she stared at the strong line of his jaw as if it held the secrets of the universe. She tucked up under his shoulder as if she were meant to fit there. He smelled of pine and clove and that scent that was very specifically Greg. Lila tentatively wrapped an arm around his waist, trying to make it easier for them to walk side by side. He didn’t protest. In fact, he seemed to let out a breath he was holding when her arm curled around his waist.
“Did you have fun?” he asked, his head dipping low so that his lips brushed against her ear.
Lila shivered, this time not from the cold wind. His breath warmed the hollow of her ear, the feel of his mouth lightly touching the top of its curve sending a thrill from her chest down to her stomach. She felt the hair on the back of her neck rise. “Yeah,” she managed to get out, amazed that her voice didn’t sound strangled or thick, “the band was great.” She paused, again looking up at him. “Thanks for inviting me.”
Greg stared down at her for a long moment. Lila could feel the muscles in his stomach quivering as he held her against his side. A few tendrils of hair escaped the tail nestled at the back of his neck, crossing his face like silk threads. He looked like he was trying to come to some kind of decision. His voice was hushed, almost reverent when he spoke. “Any time.”
He leaned over and kissed her softly on the mouth. Lila stiffened, not because it didn’t feel good, but because she didn’t know if she was ready for it. There was the blowback she was still dealing with regarding her relationship with Tyler. And there was Van and what she may or may not feel for him. And then there was the band—Lila didn’t want to damage something that had just started out and was going so well. What if they didn’t work out? What if they ended up hating each other?
Greg didn’t press, just gently explored her lips with his. Lila was amazed at his light touch, at the way something so soft could turn her world upside down. She didn’t remember feeling anything like this with Tyler. Feeling Greg’s arms tighten around her body and pulling her in closer, Lila opened her mouth under his. And all thoughts of Tyler or Van fled from her head like so much smoke.
His mouth was a furnace, burning her up from the inside out. She kissed him back, her palms tracing a path up his spine until she could wrap her arms around his neck. He bent down, his tongue pressing into her mouth, stroking hers slowly. She sighed against his lips, feeling her knees wobble as he buried his hands in her hair to bring her mouth fully in line with his.
Lila’s heart was beating in her chest so fast she was afraid it might leave her body completely. But then Greg let her go, pulling away from her just the slightest bit. Her eyes cracked open to find his disarmingly blue gaze trained on her. He was the most serious she’d ever seen him. “What?” she whispered. “Was it…bad?”
His hands moved to cup her face, his thumbs brushing lightly over the apple of her cheeks. His mouth quirked up in a crooked grin. “Bad? Not hardly.” He pressed his lips to the corner of her mouth. “I would rate it a fan-fucking-tastic.”
“Yay?” Lila smiled shyly, her fingers digging into his t-shirt.
“Definitely yay.”
He lowered his mouth to hers a second time and this time she rose to meet him. Her lips found his, and she was bold, driving the kiss beyond sweet and tender, toward something wanting and desperate. Greg held her like she was made of glass, like he didn’t want to hurt her and that did something to Lila, turned her insides to liquid fire, leaving her burning and drowning. He was so careful with her, so unbelievably gentle that she felt like she could melt into him and he would catch her and hold onto her and never let her fall.
The late autumn wind skirled past them, and Lila shivered. Greg broke away with a sigh. “We should probably get you home before we both become ice cubes.” He traced the line of her jaw with his index finger. “Although I wouldn’t mind that if it meant standing out here all night with you.”
Lila reached and took his hand in hers. “If you get frostbite and your fingers fall off, I’m pretty sure Jason will never forgive us.”
“The things we sacrifice for our art,” he said, tucking her fingers into his and guiding her down the street.
Lila was silent for a few moments before she gave voice to something that worried her. “Speaking of art, do you think this is a good idea?”
Greg looked down at her, his brow clouded with confusion. “What, walking you home?”
She bumped into him and he grinned. “You know what I mean. Us. Kissing. And singing together.”
“I hadn’t planned to do both at the same time, unless you think that would draw a bigger audience?”
She laughed. “Can you be serious for once?”
He drew her in close to his body, wrapping his free arm around her shoulder. He still kept hold of her hand, his fingers twined tightly with hers. “Not if I can ever help it.” He squeezed her hand. “But for you, I’ll try.”
“Aren’t you worried about what this might mean for the band? I mean, will Jason be mad?”
“Jason has carried a torch for me for years, but he’ll just have to get over it.” When Lila bumped him with her hip, he grinned down at her.
“Will you be serious?”
Greg thought for a few minutes, obviously not having thought of this before. Lila liked that he didn’t just wave away her concerns, that he actually considered what his response would be before giving it to her. Tyler used to dismiss everything she said out of turn, as if she hadn’t a brain or useful thought in her head.
“I don’t know what this will mean for the band. I don’t think Jason will mind, so long as we actually rehearse instead of make goo-goo eyes at each other. Now, I know it will be hard, but can you keep your hands and eyes off me long enough to practice?” A dimple peeked at her as he smiled.
“You. Are. Impossible.” But she grinned as she said it.
“I’ve been called a lot worse.” Greg winked at her. “Would you like the list?”
“No thanks. I’m compiling one of my own right now.” Lila couldn’t keep the laughter out of her voice. He made her feel so at ease, like all of her worries were for nothing. She didn’t know how he did it.
“Excellent.” He grew serious again, his mouth firming into a thin line. “But what are worried about? You’ve obviously been thinking about it.”
Lila sighed. She felt stupid jumping to the worst possible outcome in her head, even before anything had really happened, but this was something about herself that she found she had a hard time changing. She wanted to be prepared for the absolute worst case, rather than be surprised by it. It gave her a measure of control that she needed in her life right now. She didn’t like leaving things to chance if she could help it. She wanted to be prepared.
“Look, I like you. I like kissing you. But I also really enjoy —like love—playing with you and Jason. And I don’t want to do anything to fuck that up. So I just don’t want this,” Lila indicated the two of them with a wave of her hand, “to change that.”
Greg nodded, as if she’d just said the wisest words possible. “Ah. I see now.” His fingers pressed lightly into her arm. “You raise a very good point.” He went quiet. “Do you want to stop? The kissing I mean, obviously not the band.”
Lila blinked. She shook her head. “No. I am in favor of the kissing.”
“Pro-kissing. Got it.” He looked down at her thoughtfully. Lila thought his eyes were the most amazing thing she’d seen in ages. Like better than the moon and the stars
in the sky. More magical than the Northern Lights. And all because they were gazing at her. “Well, I find that I am in the pro-kissing camp myself. So how about we do a division of labor? Like when we’re working on songs, we’re working. We’re rehearsing and only rehearsing. And if we want to kiss or get a movie or grab something to eat, we do it separately.” The corner of his mouth quirked up the slightest bit and Lila couldn’t help but stare at it. “Does that work for you?”
Lila rubbed her arms to keep warm, even being snuggled up next to Greg. “I think that could work. When we’re doing band stuff, it’s just band stuff. And kissing stuff stays kissing stuff.”
“I couldn’t have put it better myself. A clear division,” he hummed in approval. “I am excited about this plan. Are you?”
“I think it could work,” she allowed, still tentative. “What about Jason?”
“You think we should invite him to the kissing stuff? I don’t know, he’s pretty into his girlfriend…”
She smacked him lightly on the shoulder. “Ha freaking ha. You know what I mean!”
“Truth?” he asked, eyes bright with mirth. “I don’t think he’ll care. This band is just a way for him to blow off steam. He likes it, but I don’t think the occasional smooch is going to throw his world askew.” His mouth lowered to hers until it was a finger’s length away. “Not like it does mine.”
“Oh, you’re good,” Lila whispered, her eyes searching his face. “You are very good.”
She made sure his mouth was otherwise occupied so he couldn’t reply.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lila let herself into the apartment, juggling her keys, her guitar case, and a bag of groceries. She shoved the door open with her hip, then dropped everything just inside the doorway. She closed the door and sloughed her backpack off her shoulder. With a sigh, she locked the door behind her. The shower was running, which meant that Gretchen was home from practice a little early. Lila checked her watch. Or that she was home from campus a little late. It was almost six. Coffee with Greg had lasted longer than she thought.
“Need help?” Shonda stuck her head around the corner of the hallway that led back to Gretchen’s room.
“Hey Shonda,” Lila greeted, surprised to see Gretchen’s girlfriend there already. “I got snacks.”
“Excellent. Munchies.” She took the grocery bag from Lila and headed to the kitchen.
Lila dumped everything else into her bedroom and came out to help Shonda. Gretchen’s girlfriend towered over her at six feet, a gorgeous young woman with skin like the umber crayon from the Crayola box. She wore her hair shorn close to her head, which only served to make her more beautiful. She had a lean, runner’s frame, although she’d never run a day in her life, as far as Lila knew. Gretchen had met her last year at a floor party. They’d dated off and on ever since.
“Hope I got everything,” Lila said, as a way to make small talk. The memory of her talk with Gretchen about Shonda being upset replayed itself inside her head. She took out a box of Cheez-Its and set it on the counter.
“Cookie dough!” Shonda placed the tube on the counter next to the other snacks. “I would not be able to watch without it. As far as I’m concerned, we’re set.” She reached back in the grocery bag and pulled out a bag of apples. She set them down as if they were poison. “Healthy food? For a Vampire Diaries marathon. Oh, hell no.”
“Those are mine,” Lila said, pulling out a container of caramel dipping sauce. “For this.”
Shonda looked mollified. “Well, so long as caramel is involved, I’ll allow them.” She poked Lila in the side. “You had me worried there for a minute. I thought you weren’t committed to our endeavor.” She emptied the bag of the last item—a small bag of gourmet kettle corn—and tossed it in the trash. “Thanks for inviting me.”
Lila looked up, shocked. She’d expected Gretchen to just tell Shonda about their Vampire Diaries marathon catch-up session, not tell her that Lila was the one who specifically invited her over. “I wasn’t sure if you watched the show,” Lila began.
Shonda stared at her, as if she knew exactly what Lila was planning to say next. “I don’t, not really. But Gretchen likes it, so I keep up with it.” She smiled and it transformed her whole face. Shonda could look forbidding sometimes, the way her mouth seemed to be set in a frown as its default setting. But when she truly smiled, she was radiant. She glowed.
“Glad you could make it then.” Lila smiled back.
“I wasn’t sure if this was just a best friend thing,” Gretchen’s girlfriend began, as she reached out to tentatively touch Lila on the arm. “Look, I know we don’t really know each other really well, but I really care about Gretchen.”
Lila put her hand over Shonda’s. “That makes two of us.” She moved away from the other girl, then said, “And you make her happy, so that makes you okay in my book.”
Shonda gave her what looked like a smile of relief. “Really? Because sometimes, she makes me really crazy too.”
Lila grabbed a couple of Diet Cokes from the refrigerator. “She only does that to people she really cares about. It’s a short but very exclusive list.”
“And you’re on it too?” Shonda’s voice was easy, although Lila wondered how serious this conversation was likely to get.
Lila nodded. “I hope so. She’s a good one to have in your corner.” And Lila knew it. She was lucky to have Gretchen in her life as a friend. She wouldn’t trade that for anything.
“You know all about that,” Shonda said quietly, something dark in her eyes. Lila couldn’t say what it was: warning, concern, fear. But she knew that Gretchen’s girlfriend wasn’t keen on her intervening any longer. “I just worry about her, stepping into something that isn’t her business. I don’t want her to get hurt.” Shonda speared her with a pointed look. So pointed, that Lila swore she felt it poking into her chest.
Lila took a step back, trying to hide the surprise she felt so it wouldn’t show all over her face. This conversation had taken an unexpected turn and she wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. She’d never been tacitly warned about one of her friends before.
“I get it. And it’s over between Tyler and me. There’s nothing else to worry about.” Lila hoped that was true. But as far as Gretchen went, she was out of it. Shonda was right to be worried about Gretchen getting mixed up with Tyler. She didn’t want her friend hurt either.
Shonda looked doubtful. “It will never be over between you two. Don’t you get that?” She shook her head, as if she didn’t know what else to say anymore. Then she sighed. “Look, I hope it is, I really do. But if it’s not, try to remember that people other than you can get hurt, okay?”
Lila stared in shock as Shonda gathered up what she could carry and took the snacks into the living room. Her brain would not process the sentences she’d just heard. All that was real to her was the pain in her chest, at the coldness in her hands. She felt like Shonda had just bludgeoned her and left her lying in the middle of the floor. She didn’t know what to do with everything she was feeling, just stood there sort of gathering it up in empty hands.
Shonda went to the bathroom door and banged on it. “You going to be in there all night?”
Gretchen called out, “I’m making myself beautiful for you!”
“I’ve seen you with bedhead and morning breath. Stop wasting time—you’re already gorgeous!”
Lila listened to their banter before settling herself into the one chair they had and turning on the television. Her movements were mechanical, like she was made up of gears and pulleys that moved her herky-jerky from one place to another. Her eyes kept drifting to Shonda, standing in front of Gretchen’s bathroom door. She forced herself to look away, locking her eyes on the screen and fiddling with the remote. She swallowed around the hard lump in her throat, feeling like she’d swallowed a bowl of ashes. Gretchen wasn’t going to get hurt from being her friend, Tyler or no Tyler.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Gretchen slowed as they crossed
over the outskirts of their town. Lila swallowed, feeling the weight of being back home settle over her like a lead-lined coat. Her fingers dug into the denim covering her thighs, already feeling her nerves tighten. She caught Gretchen casting worried glances her way and managed a wan smile.
“How are you feeling?” her roommate asked her.
“Good,” she lied. She’d be fine. Lila had no intention of leaving the house at all while she was home. She didn’t want to risk running into Tyler. She just had to hole up for four days, one of which was Thanksgiving. It wouldn’t be so bad.
“No, you’re not. But I’ll pretend like you are.” Gretchen’s blue eyes narrowed as she watched the road. “You mind if I stop to get gas? Everything will be closed tomorrow.”
“Sure.” They hadn’t been able to leave earlier, and it was getting on towards dinnertime.
Gretchen piloted the small car into the gas station a couple of miles from Lila’s house. She stopped at the pump and hopped out. Lila followed. “I’ll get this,” she told her roommate, getting out her wallet.
“Cool, thanks.” Gretchen grabbed the nozzle.
Lila entered the small store and walked to the counter. “Pump seven,” she told the cashier, then walked the aisles while she waited for the final total. She rolled her shoulders, trying to stretch out the tension that had settled there.
She was nervous about seeing her mother. They hadn’t spoken much since she’d left for school. Tyler’s abuse had put up a wall that had never been there between the two of them. It didn’t help that her mother was still employed at Tyler’s father’s law firm. And it hadn’t helped that Tyler had threatened her mother’s continued employment when he’d been to visit her after he’d put her in the hospital. It was a relief for both of them when Lila had left for school. It meant they could pretend everything was okay.
But Lila was home now, or nearly so. Without the distance to ease the strain between them, she wondered if it would be as awkward as it had been before she left. There were so many things she wanted to tell her mother, but knew it wouldn’t be fair. What good would it do to tell her mother all the times Tyler had hurt her if she couldn’t do anything about it. Bad enough that Lila already felt powerless; she didn’t see the point in making her mother feel the same.
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