Much Ado About Muffin

by Victoria Hamilton

  He met my gaze and smiled, then reached out and took my hand. “Yes, to your unspoken question, my darling; Roma told me what she was about to do to Minnie, though with much railing about how you forced her into telling me, and that she hated to hurt me, but had decided it was for the best. But that you forced her into telling me.”

  I nodded. “And what exactly did she say?”

  “That she intended to pull a harmless little prank on Minnie by setting up a lover, recording the conversations, and then playing them in a public and embarrassing way.”

  “And what did you think when she told you that?”

  He looked down at the Shakespeare volume he held, a beautifully gilt-bound edition, and was silent for a long moment. He closed it, set it aside, and took my hand. “I thought that I will forever be grateful that you are my best girl and always will be.”

  Emotion welled up in me. I had been jealous of Roma’s hold on Pish, true, but what I felt now was not triumph but gratitude. He was so important to me, and I feared that I had changed our relationship by my months of self-absorption in Spain. “I’ve been searching my heart to try to figure out if some part of me wanted her to tell you about it so I’d gain some edge, appear superior, but I think I can honestly say that was not my intent. I wanted you to hear it from her, because it may come out in some other way. I didn’t want you to be blindsided by the revelation.”

  He squeezed and released my hand. “I know that. Fortunately, I was never blind to her faults. I want to help her get back to where she needs to be: the stage.”

  “And you’ve done that beautifully.” I changed the subject and told him what I had planned for that evening. “I told the FBI what’s going on; now it’s up to them if they set something up and have a presence.”

  “Is it wise, my dear?”

  “I think there’s safety in numbers. That’s why I’m going to make sure I have backup. I can’t ask Virgil; the FBI could give him grief, and I don’t want to jeopardize his future career. But Dewayne may help me out.”

  “I’ll be relieved if you have stalwart Dewayne there.” He paused and watched me for a moment. “And now, what about Virgil? Have you sorted out your problems?”

  “I don’t know. He was taking care of something this weekend, but he hasn’t talked to me about it yet.”

  “I’m assuming it had to do with his ex-wife?”

  I nodded. “It’s something that’s private to Virgil, so I can’t talk about it. I think it’s a bad sign that he hasn’t called or visited yet. Or maybe it’s taking longer to resolve.”

  Pish took up my hand and squeezed. “One thing I can say for sure: that man loves you.”

  “I hope so, because I love him, too.”

  “Do you love him enough to wait while he does the FBI thing?”

  “I do. I’ll be here for him. I can’t say I’ll move where he goes, but we’ll work it out somehow.”

  The rest of the afternoon flew by as I prepared to unmask a killer. Or killers. Dewayne agreed to be there, and he thought Patricia might want to come, too. She would be good cover for him; he had attended just the once, but hadn’t stayed, nor had he talked to Crystal that evening. She might think it odd, him returning, but not if he attended with Patricia. I spoke to Zeke, and he agreed to have Gordy and Karl there. I saw Roma briefly, but she ignored me and crept around the castle avoiding Pish. If she understood him at all, she’d know that the best way to get back in his good graces would be to fully accept responsibility for her wrongdoing and move forward, like an adult. I didn’t have high hopes of that.

  I made a light dinner, we all ate separately, and I drove off into the twilight toward town. I got a half mile and saw the flashing lights of a cruiser in my rearview mirror. I slowed, pulling off to the edge of the road.

  Deputy Urquhart came to my window and shone his flashlight in at me. “License and registration, ma’am,” he said.

  “Oh, come on, Urquhart,” I said, shielding my eyes against the light. “You know who I am and you know this vehicle is mine.”

  “Sheriff Grace told me to stop you and bring you in, ma’am.”

  I was stunned. “I beg your pardon?”

  He repeated his command.

  “That’s ridiculous. Who does Virgil think he is? What’s the charge?”

  “No charge, ma’am. Protective custody, he says.”

  Aha! Dewayne—the traitor—must have spoken to him. Of course he would; they were buddies. Bro code, and all that. What an idiot I was for not foreseeing this. I looked out my window and examined the deputy by the dome light in my car. “You tell Virgil that if he wants something, he has to come to me directly. If you want to take me in, you’ll have to get me out of this car and carry me. I wouldn’t advise trying. Good evening, Officer.”

  I rolled up my window and drove away at a sedate pace, smiling as I imagined Urquhart’s frustration, and how he was going to have to confess to Virgil his failure. What I didn’t count on, as I pulled down a side street and parked, was Virgil also being parked there. He got out of his cruiser and approached.

  “Sheriff, how are you? Long time, no hear,” I said, hoisting my purse over my shoulder and crossing my arms over my chest. He crossed his arms over his chest, too. We both have impressive chests in different ways.

  “Come on, Merry, don’t be like that.”

  Of course, that lit my fuse. Don’t be like that? “How dare you send your lackey to try to stop me from doing what I need to do?” I said, my hands going to my hips and my purse sliding down. “And how dare Dewayne call you and inform on me!”

  He got that alert, hesitant look men get when they unexpectedly infuriate their lady friends. “Dewayne thought I should know. And he’s right.”

  “Virgil, this isn’t your case. There’s nothing you can do. Did Dewayne tell you that I did let the FBI in on my plans?”

  “You did?”

  “Yes, Virgil, I did.” I realized I was talking too loud, glanced down the street, and lowered my tone. “I’m not an idiot. I spoke to Esposito and recommended that they have someone there tonight.”

  “So there’s going to be an agent there tonight?”

  “You’ve met Esposito; does he seem particularly forthcoming to you? I don’t know.”

  He sighed, uncrossed his arms, and tried to pull me to him, but I pulled back. “Wait a minute, mister, not so fast. You haven’t told me one thing about what went down this weekend. How did it go?”

  He looked off into the distance. “I’d prefer to talk about this when we have more time,” he said.

  “Certainly. And I’d prefer to kiss you when I have more time. Right now I have to go.”

  Not a man to be put off lightly, he pulled me to him and moved me into the shadows and kissed me until all rational thought had fled.

  “Nice job, Sheriff,” I said, breathless, squashed against his chest, his hand firmly on my butt. “Now I won’t be able to think logically for half an hour.”

  “We could solve that by taking you home right now,” he said in my ear, with a growl in his voice.

  I pulled away and settled my clothes, hoisting my heavy shoulder bag more securely. “I’d rather wait until you can tell me what went down with Kelly,” I said, my voice tremulous. “I need to know before we get . . . before anything else.”

  “Okay.”

  “And I am doing this,” I said, waving my hand toward the street. “I protected myself by having Dewayne there. You trust him, don’t you?”

  “With my life.”

  “And with mine?”

  He was quiet for a minute. I could hardly see him in the shadows, but his jaw was working. “I guess,” he said reluctantly.

  That told me that my life was more important to him than his own. “I’ll be careful, Virgil, and I promise I’ll rely on Dewayne. We’ve talked this through, and he knows what to
expect.”

  “I know. He told me everything after he spoke to you.”

  I sighed. “I suppose I should have assumed he would. I’ll talk to you later, Virgil. I promise.”

  “I won’t be far.”

  I walked away from him aware of his gaze on me. Once I got to the main street, where there was more light, I turned the corner and stopped, catching my breath. That man! He sure did know how to rattle me. Taking a deep breath, I sauntered down the street to Emerald’s shop, ablaze with light that spilled out of the naked window to the walk below. A chilly wind swept down the sidewalk, and with it a few early leaves.

  It was time.

  I entered, the bells jingling merrily over the door. Crystal looked up from her clipboard of attendees, her expression darkening as she gazed at me. She wasn’t quick enough to hide it, and Emerald saw the look, glanced toward me, and half smiled. She waved, then caught Crystal’s disapproving look and stopped.

  The room was full. Dewayne and Patricia had already signed in, it seemed. Patricia waved at me cheerily, but Dewayne didn’t indicate by any sign that he recognized me. Gordy and Zeke were huddled in a corner, chatting with Karl and Logan, while Crystal and Emerald examined the clipboard. Brianna, her eyes bright, was bouncing around setting up the table with snacks and coffee at the back, her energy effervescent. Occasionally she would race to the front of the room and whisper to Crystal and Emerald, then dash away again.

  A young couple entered, a slim blonde woman and crew-cut man, neither of whom I had ever seen before. FBI? I hoped so. A couple of others folks wandered in, but certainly not FBI. One was a scruffy-looking motorcycle-type dude, and the other was a woman in mom jeans and a stained T-shirt. She was clearly exhausted, rings under her eyes, her hair in a messy ponytail that looked like it had been tugged at by children with sticky fingers. More suckers for Crystal’s you-can-have-it-all message.

  I sat down in the middle of the middle row, the best place for my purposes. Crystal whispered something to Emerald; my friend nodded and approached, perching on the edge of chair next to me.

  “So, Merry, why are you here tonight?” she asked, with a searching gaze.

  I turned and looked her right in the eyes, crossed my fingers, and lied, though it hurt to do it. “I don’t think I gave this whole thing a proper chance last time, Em.”

  “Good,” she said, with a nod. “Crystal was worried you were here to disrupt things, but I told her you would never do anything to hurt me!”

  I felt a pang in my heart. “I hope you know that I truly . . . I truly have only your best interests at heart always,” I said, even as I was hoping Crystal would be in police custody by the end of the evening, if all went according to plan. Emerald gave me a hug and scooted back up to the front, whispering reassurances to her business partner. My swiftly approaching betrayal stung in my eyes.

  Crystal started the meeting by welcoming newcomers. She then gave a stern warning that those who were skeptics were welcome to stay, but not welcome to disrupt the experience for the others. I suppose that was aimed at me. We did those “contexts” again, though why they were called that, I’ll never know. We chanted, “I deserve love, I deserve wealth, I deserve happiness.”

  Then Crystal beckoned Brianna to the front and put her arm over the girls’ shoulders. “Everyone, in case you didn’t know, this is Brianna, and she’s new to Autumn Vale.” The girl waved and gave a little hop of excitement, her eyes glittering. “Brianna has some news for us. It has something to do with Consciousness Calling, so pay attention!” She put her hand on the girl’s shoulder, looking like she was holding down a balloon about to float away. “Brianna, what happened to you this week?”

  The girl skipped forward. “Well, I got the surprise of my life, is what happened,” she said, her voice vibrating with excitement. “I’ve been coming to these meetings a few weeks now, and chanting the contexts, making it a part of my daily life, you know? And all of a sudden I got called in by a lawyer to come see him in his office. I was scared. I’ve never met a lawyer before.”

  She glanced over her shoulder to Crystal, who nodded. “So anyway, I go to see him, and he up and tells me that I’ve inherited money, and a house, and life insurance. Just out of the blue like that! I got wealth, so I’ve got happiness, and that’s from chanting the contexts for a few weeks!”

  Crystal stepped forward. “Now, here is proof that when you stay positive and practice chanting the contexts, which align your energy and your intent toward positivity, you get what you need in life, as well as what you want.”

  Emerald was watching Crystal with a tiny frown, as if she couldn’t quite believe what her leader and business partner was spouting. At least Em didn’t appear to be in on the con.

  I hadn’t intended to, but I spoke up. “Are you saying, Crystal, that positive thinking and chanting killed Minnie Urquhart?” Someone snorted in a half laugh, but I ignored it, watching Crystal, who paused and eyed me with disfavor. “I kind of thought there was a human at work, considering that Minnie was murdered. That’s where the inheritance came from, Brianna, right? Minnie Urquhart’s murder?”

  “I wasn’t saying that, Merry, as you well know,” Crystal snapped. “I was simply referring to Brianna’s little bit of good luck.”

  Good luck, she called it. Emerald’s expression now was one of extreme disbelief. She tugged at Crystal’s sleeve, and whispered, “Crys, that’s not exactly . . . maybe we ought—”

  Crystal yanked her sleeve away from Emerald. “Brianna, why don’t you tell us how it happened?” she said, putting her arm over the girl’s shoulders again. “I know you’ve had a tough life. Tell us your story, and how Consciousness Calling has turned things around.”

  “I never had family,” she began, and spoke of the foster care system, out of which she was ejected at eighteen. “I was living in a shelter and got a message to call this lady Minnie Urquhart, who said she could get me a job and had a place for me to live. I didn’t have anything else to do, so I agreed.”

  “And then?” Crystal asked. “You found us, didn’t you?”

  Brianna looked faintly startled at her story being channeled like that. “Uh, yeah.”

  “Go on.”

  “Minnie was really, uh, kind to me, and to Logan.”

  Karl snorted and muttered something under his breath.

  “And she, like, started to take an interest in what I was doing, and got me a job at the old-age home, and was like the mom I never had. Anyway, turns out, I didn’t know it, but all along, she was my birth grandmother!”

  There was a chorus of surprised exclamations and an outburst of applause. I waited for that to die down.

  “And you didn’t know until you were told about the inheritance?” I asked.

  Brianna nodded, but regarded me suspiciously through narrowed eyes.

  I reached in my purse, clicked the tape recorder on. I had the sound set as high as it would go, so out of my purse came Minnie’s scratchy voice, from beyond the grave it seemed. “I was trying to keep it a secret, but there were all these fights, and then the kid was threatening to leave. Straight back into the drug world? I didn’t see as I had a choice. I said, Don’t go, I’m your grandma.” Deep sigh. “But now the twerp figures I’m going to hand over money, and whatever. I’m not so sure now about the changes I made to my will. I might need to change it back so my meth-head grandkid doesn’t snort or shoot whatever I leave.”

  Stunned silence followed. Crystal looked as bewildered as the rest. I clicked the tape off. “So I’m thinking your tale of the inheritance coming as a big fat surprise doesn’t hold much water now, from Minnie’s own lips. You knew, Brianna; you knew exactly what you were getting. But she threatened that she was going to go back and rewrite the will to strike you out if you didn’t give up drugs.”

  Brianna had stiffened and looked poised to flee. “I . . . It doesn’t matter. So wha
t if I knew? It doesn’t change anything. I didn’t do nothing to her.”

  “You didn’t?” I turned my head and looked over at her boyfriend. “Maybe Logan did something, then? Since you two were each other’s alibi for the time of the murder?”

  Brianna had gone still, her lips pressed together. I had blown my chance, I thought, unless the FBI had physical evidence. But Logan erupted from his seat and headed toward me. He reached out and grabbed my purse, hollering, “It’s a trick! You’re lying.”

  Dewayne, of course, launched himself across the space, knocking over a chair in his way as he grabbed the kid in a half nelson hold.

  “Logan, shut up!” Brianna said. “She’s trying to get you to admit something. Just shut the f—”

  “It was all her idea,” Logan yelped, struggling against Dewayne’s firm grasp, his long-fingered hands clawing at my friend’s beefy arms. “Brianna set it up,” he squawked, his voice choked from Dewayne’s hold. He beat at the man with his fists. “Let me go, you . . .” He let loose a string of filth toward Dewayne I won’t repeat.

  The young couple I assumed were FBI cowered together in horror, while the motorcycle dude and woman in mom jeans moved forward in sync. As the place descended into chaos the male agent removed Logan from Dewayne’s grasp and the female FBI agent caught up to Brianna, who had pushed Crystal out of the way and was headed toward the back of the shop.

  The fuss was all over in minutes, quite the anticlimax compared to my expectations. As the two culprits were ushered out together, Karl Mencken, shaking, clenched his fists and muttered, his face turning red.

  “It’s over, man; it’s okay,” Gordy said to him, hand on his shoulder.

  “Now I get it! That’s why she made that fight happen! That’s why Brianna egged me on!”