Cracked

by Walton, K. M.

  Why am I thinking about my mother?

  Lisa is tapping my knee. She must think I’m really out of it—I’m having a full-blown conversation in my head, completely ignoring her. Talk about unhealthy thinking.

  “Nikole’s calling you,” she says, and points to the doorway.

  I look up and there she is. The first thing I notice is that she doesn’t have her sweats on. She dressed in jeans and a really tight T-shirt with a cool, swirly design on the front. She looks pretty. She is waving me over, so I jump up.

  “Hey,” I say.

  “Hey,” she says. She grabs my hand and pulls me out into the hall.

  “So, I’m leaving. I wanted to say good-bye to you.”

  I don’t know what to say. You know how in books people always say the room started spinning at the dramatic part? Well, it’s true: the hallway started spinning.

  “You all right? You look really pale,” she says.

  I start breathing like a dog in the sun. If I don’t sit down, I’m going to fall down. I plop into a cross-legged heap on the floor and rest my chin on my chest. I breathe in . . . she’s leaving. I breathe out . . . right now. I breathe in . . . she’s leaving. I breathe out . . . right now.

  “Victor? Are you okay?” she repeats.

  I lift my head. “I’m sick. I almost didn’t come to group. I threw up this morning.” All lies.

  She rubs my back and asks if she should go get a nurse. I tell her no, I’ll be fine. Another lie.

  “Well, I wanted to see you before I left. I’m . . . I’m . . . wow, this is harder than I thought it was going to be.”

  I say, “Tell me about it.”

  “I wrote down my cell number and my e-mail, and I’ll friend you on Facebook, okay?”

  “I’m not on Facebook. My parents are insane about the computer,” I tell her.

  I drop my head again. It feels heavy on my neck. Reality is heavy. She has friends that call her Queenie, had a boyfriend, is a cheerleader—she has a life, a life that is far, far away from mine. She’s beautiful and funny and laughs with gusto. Me, I’m a nobody with no one and nothing. A total dork.

  She puts a piece of paper in my hand and closes my fingers around it. Her hand stays on top of mine, and it feels beyond perfect.

  “Look, you got me through this place, Victor. You are a good person, and I want you to be happy. I will miss you every single day for the rest of my life, I swear.” Her Lacey imitation makes me smile, and I raise my head to look at her.

  “You got me through this place too. You are a better person than I’ll ever be. And I will miss you even after I’m dead, I swear,” I say.

  Her beautiful eyes are filled with tears, and she lifts my hand up and kisses my palm. Then she puts my open hand on her face and holds it there against her soft, warm cheek. I want to kiss her so bad it hurts.

  She leans in and does it for me. It’s a soft kiss, right on the mouth. I imagine this is what doing drugs feels like. I’m cloudy with it, all fogged up with goodness, and happy. She whispers in my ear, “Just be happy. Stay alive, Victor. You’re worth it.”

  It must be the pure happiness from my first kiss that makes me do this, but I grab both of her cheeks and pull her in for another kiss. This time, I kiss her. She had been squatting down, so my kiss makes her fall forward onto her knees, and she is totally kissing me back.

  The rest of the kids come out of the cafeteria right in the middle of our kiss and start making smooching noises and somebody whistles. Nikole pulls away and whispers in my ear again, “Stay alive. You’re worth it.” Then she hops up and starts her good-byes with everyone else. Lacey joins in, and there’s a lot of hugging and high-fiving. Nikole and Lacey link arms and declare that they’re outta here.

  I watch her curls bounce as she talks. Her kiss lingers on my mouth and I lick my lips. I had my first kiss in the hallway of a psych ward with a girl who tried to kill herself a few days ago.

  And I can’t stop smiling about it.

  Bull

  WOULD YOU LOOK AT DORK OF THE UNIVERSE? Making out in the hallway with the hot blonde. They’re putting on quite a show for Jimmy the guard. I would’ve bet my bike that would never happen in my lifetime. This place is nuts, completely nuts. Today is the fourth day, and I think I’m crazier than when I got here. Everybody really is crazy here.

  Especially Kell.

  What the hell is with her giving me the fingers again? What is that all about? One minute she’s all over me and the next I’m ignored and dissed. Andrew was right: she is the Queen of Crazy. Now I feel even more guilty for making him go berserk again. I’m staying away from her. She’ll probably kill me in my sleep. Leave it to me to fall in love with a maniac.

  Lisa eventually gets us all in our seats, which is pretty hard to do after Nikole and Lacey’s good-byes. Victor seems pretty bummed. He’s delusional if he thinks a girl like that would go for him out in the real world. He wears a golf shirt and tan pants to school every day. She’s totally hot with a great laugh. Get real.

  And there’s some zit-faced new guy in the circle. Ha. He looks about as happy as I was my first day.

  Lisa starts group with, “Everyone, this is Grant. Grant, this is everyone.”

  Grant doesn’t even look up.

  Andrew’s out of solitary, and he looks high. He must be on some good meds, because he actually grins at me.

  Lisa smiles. “Now I’d like to discuss how you feel about Brian, Nikole, and Lacey leaving.”

  Not me. Don’t care.

  No one says a word.

  Then she turns to Victor. “Victor, you got pretty close with Nikole, and you haven’t shared in group yet. How about you tell us why Nikole is nice?”

  Victor looks like he just farted out a watermelon.

  “She just is, that’s all,” he says. I can’t believe he said anything. He’s such a wuss. Lisa isn’t done with him, though.

  “And why is that?” she asks gently. Man, am I glad she isn’t interrogating me in front of the group, gentle voice or not. It could get ugly. I’m not sharing shit with these nutjobs.

  He shrugs his shoulders as his answer. From where I’m sitting it looks like his hands are having a seizure. Maybe he’s having a nervous breakdown or something. He has had a pretty crappy morning so far.

  Lisa just stares at him and waits. Wow. Harsh.

  He puts his hands underneath his legs and looks like he’s in pain, like someone is trying to rip his head off or something. Lisa leans forward a bit in her chair. Apparently she cares what’s going to come out of Victor’s mouth. Me? Don’t care at all.

  “You can do this, Victor. It’s okay to let it out, that’s what we’re all here for. That’s what group is for,” Lisa says.

  Andrew chimes in with a groggy, “He doesn’t want to, Lisa. Leave him alone.”

  Lisa purses her lips and then says gently, “Andrew, I acknowledge the fact that you’re looking out for Victor. I appreciate it. But getting it out is the first step to healing. You know this.” Lisa folds her hands on her lap. “Let me do my job, Andrew.”

  Andrew rolls his eyes. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

  I had no idea Victor was this stubborn. I thought I was stubborn. He looks like if someone poked him with a pin, he’d explode all over the room. “Uncomfortable”—that’s the perfect word to describe him. I don’t blame him. Like I said, I’m not saying anything either. For once, I realize we have something in common. I’ll say it again: This place does weird things to people.

  Then he blows my “we have something in common” thought by saying, “She made me feel alive.”

  Okay, not bad. Short and to the point—not bad.

  “What do you mean by ‘alive’?” Lisa asks.

  He scrunches up his face, and I can hear him breathing all the way across the room.

  “Victor?” Lisa is one determined lady.

  He keeps his head down and tells his story to the floor. “My parents never wanted me to be born. I was an accident; they tel
l me that every year on my birthday. They didn’t take me on our trip to Europe because I didn’t get perfect SAT scores. My perfect math score wasn’t good enough. They didn’t even wake me up and say good-bye. They left me a note on the counter, like I was the gardener. My dog died that day too. And she was the only thing that ever loved me. So I took my mom’s sleeping pills. But my nana found me, and that’s how I ended up here. Where I met Nikole. Nikole was the first human being to notice me. And she cared about what I thought. She looked me in the eye and laughed at things I said. She was the first girl I ever kissed. That’s what I mean by alive.”

  Whoa.

  He’s not done. He raises his head and looks directly at me.

  His voice is thick with volume and anger. “And you. You sit over there like you’re the king of the jungle! Well, guess what, hard-ass? You’re as fucked up as I am!”

  I have nothing to say back to him. But it doesn’t matter; he’s yelling to the whole group now. About me.

  “This asshole has bullied me since we were kids. Tortured me. Embarrassed me. Humiliated me. Beat the crap out of me. So many times, I can’t count them all!” he yells, then he looks right back at me again. “You made me feel worthless.” He’s choking now, coughing out his words. “Worthless and stupid. Do you have any idea how much I hate you? How many times I wished you would just DIE?!”

  Yeah, got nothing to say to that. Nothing at all.

  “Remember when you punched me in the back? Punched the chocolate milk right out of me? You let me choke on it, and I almost died. Remember that? That was the day before I took the pills. You sealed the deal, Bull.”

  Is he blaming me? Yep, I think he’s blaming me.

  “Don’t make me responsible for your crap life. You’ve got shitty parents,” is the first thing out of my mouth. I really am an asshole. He’s crying like a baby, spilling his guts to the whole room, and I don’t have one nice thing to say? Not one?

  He says, “Don’t talk to me about shitty parents. Get beat up at home much? I’ve seen your bruises. I’m not stupid. I’m really good at listening; it’s pretty easy when no one speaks to you for days on end. I heard kids talking about you and your grandfather all the way back when we were in seventh grade. Do you miss his fists? Did my punch this morning make you feel all nostalgic for home? You can go to hell, Bull.”

  Grant suddenly comes alive and is on his feet. He stops my pathetic one-armed attempt to wheel across the circle and pummel Victor. He pushes me right back into my spot in the circle and tells me to relax.

  “Get off me, zit boy.” Why do I always do that? Why do I always go for someone’s weakness? I see Kell watching this whole scene, and I am embarrassed as hell. I’ve got to get away from these people, this place.

  “I assume Bull is your nickname, William. Would you like to respond to Victor?” Lisa asks.

  Hell yeah.

  Victor

  NIKOLE’S KISS MUST’VE RELEASED SOME SORT OF courage or bravery juice that’d been locked in my brain, because it’s flowing through my veins like crazy. I cannot believe I just said all that in front of these people, and Nikole wasn’t even next to me, cheering me on. I did it on my own. I feel lighter. I’m serious, I really do. I actually feel lighter, and my hands have stopped shaking. I just wish Lisa didn’t give him a chance to respond, because I don’t want to hear anything he has to say. I just want group to be over so I can call my grandmother.

  Here he goes. “Yeah, Bull’s my nickname. And this dick doesn’t know anything about my life or my pop.” Then he screams at me, “You don’t know anything about me!”

  Lisa calmly says, “Well, William, why don’t you tell us about you? Like I told Victor, that’s what group is for.”

  “I’m great. I love my life. There, I’m done,” he says.

  “Ha!” Kell says from across the room. The dark horse has spoken. This really takes Bull by surprise, and he looks shaken and nervous. Oh, what a glorious sight. Bull squirming like a slug in the sun.

  “Kell, do you have something you’d like to say?” Lisa asks.

  She shakes her head no and goes back to looking angry. She’s clutching her notebook to her chest.

  Apparently her lack of response ticks Bull off.

  “What’s the matter with you?!” he yells across the circle at her. This is, hands down, the most explosive group we’ve had. It makes Andrew’s raging meltdowns seem like a tiny speck of nothing.

  Kell puts her notebook on her lap, sticks her arms straight out toward Bull, and then slowly raises both of her middle fingers. Huh, interesting.

  “Whatever,” Bull says. He reaches up and rubs his baldish head with his good hand, then blows air through his nose. And he rolls his eyes.

  Apparently this ticks Kell off.

  “Whatever? That’s your comeback?” she mocks. Then she whispers, “I thought you were different.”

  “You are the one who ignored me this morning and flipped me off in the caf. That was all you,” Bull retorts.

  She tells him she was trying to protect him. Then she calls him an idiot.

  “Protect me from what? I don’t get it.”

  “From me. I was trying to protect you from me,” she cries out.

  Lisa has a very pleased look on her face right now, like she’s happy all of her loverlies are dumping their feelings on the floor today. Then it gets quiet, and Lisa lets it stay quiet. Everyone seems to have a real interest in the blue carpeting, because no one is looking anywhere else, except me. I’m stealing looks around the circle.

  Bull stares at the floor and clears his throat. We all turn to him, expecting him to say something. But he doesn’t. Lisa does.

  “Kell, why would William need to be protected from you?”

  “Because I am crazy. I know my diagnosis. I’ve read all about it online. Borderline personalities are nuts. And I’m nuts. He’s too nice of a guy to get mixed up with me and my life.”

  The “Ha!” escapes my mouth involuntarily. Lisa looks at me with raised eyebrows. I drop my eyes. I don’t want to get into it again with Bull, but him being called a nice guy was just too much.

  “Well, what if you don’t get to make that decision?” Bull barks across the circle. Grant jumps. Apparently Grant is alive. “No matter how borderline you are?”

  “It’s my life, and I make my own decisions. And my life fucking rots. It always has!” she shouts.

  “Join the club, Kell,” Bull says.

  Yeah, join the club.

  “Guess what? I thought you were different,” Bull says.

  Uh, she is different.

  “Oh, I’m cray-zee different, William, cray-zee different,” she says wildly, with her hands shaking out in front her like she’s doing a dance routine.

  “I like you. And I like you just the way you are.” I watch Bull swallow hard. I think he just blew his own mind.

  Whoa. That took balls.

  “I like you, just the way you are,” she says.

  Again, whoa. That took balls too.

  Bull says, “And you are a really good writer. Like what’s in that notebook should be a real book.”

  She stares at him and he stares back. Kell uncrosses her arms and sits on her hands. Bull does another head rub.

  Kell looks back at Bull. “I left it in your room on purpose.”

  “I know,” he says. “It was the best book I ever read. Better than anything, Kell. You’re better than anything.”

  Now I feel like I’m eavesdropping on their private conversation. I seriously wonder if they remember they’re sitting in a therapy circle with other people. I look at Grant, and he’s back to looking comatose. So’s Andrew—he might actually be sleeping.

  And Lisa—she looks dreamy, sort of like she’s taken a happy pill or something. It looks like I am the only one who wants the love train to crash, so I can move on and get out of here. I’d like to call my nana. God, isn’t group over already anyway? It feels like we’ve been going and going and going. I look at my watch; we�
��ve gone over our hour. I feel compelled to announce this.

  “Uh, Lisa, we’re ten minutes over.”

  “Well, we certainly are. Did we get the party started today or what?” she asks.

  I’m already out the door when I remember that I’m supposed to be pushing Bull around. I do an about-face. Jimmy the guard is shaking Andrew awake, and Kell is kneeling down next to Bull. Based on the way he’s smiling, I’m thinking he’ll be in a decent mood and might forget about retaliating for my punch. And it looks like I’m off the hook. Kell can wheel him around now. Hallelujah.

  Bull

  I LIKE HEARING HER SAY MY NAME—MY REAL NAME. She likes me. She said so in front of everyone. I can’t believe I said I liked her in front of everyone. But you know what? It felt good to say it. It made it real.

  Kell wheels me to the nurses’ station. I want to see if my mom called. She’s allowed to call today, and she’s probably freaking out that I haven’t been home to give her money. She wasn’t around when the gun went off and everything, so she’ll want to hear the whole messy story. Kell stops my wheelchair and starts rubbing my head. I can hear Agnes and Ellie behind the counter, shuffling papers, clicking on their keyboards.

  Kell bends down and whispers in my ear, “You should let your hair grow out. You’d look so hot with longer hair.”

  I’m thinking she has no idea that her touching me, anywhere, produces blood flow to my lap. My arms go from resting on the armrests to covering up my growing crotch. I don’t need her or Ellie seeing me like that. It’s freakin’ embarrassing.

  Ellie appears from behind the counter. “William, Kell, how may I help you today?”

  I’m sandwiched between the two hottest females, with a boner—isn’t that great? I’ve got to clear my head. Clear. Head. Out.

  “Has my mom called?” I ask.

  “Let me check.” She goes behind the counter, and I hear more rustling papers. “I don’t see any messages for you, William.”