Mom's Perfect Boyfriend
Page 9
Heard the HHHA San Diego Charity Wine Tasting is being held at the zoo this year…should be different. Have you bought your tickets yet? Grace always sells out.
Much Love,
Mother
Email, November 6
From: Margot Hemmingway
To: Peggy Hemmingway
Subject: Re: Took a spill
Dear Mother,
I’m so sorry to hear about your hip. I hope you won’t have to have surgery, and that the recovery goes swiftly. I’d be happy to help with the HHHA fundraiser. I can make phone calls, do internet research, and assist with whatever else you may need.
Regarding work, Dr. Jackson wanted to cut back my hours by 40%. Things had been going downhill at the office for some time, due to his poor management. I have some money saved up, so it felt like the right time to leave. I’m going to take a break for a few months and focus on my new business, Margot’s Mallows. I’m making artisan marshmallows. We just started selling them at the farmers’ market, but I hope to expand to health food stores nationwide. Crystal took some pictures of our booth; I’ll send them along shortly.
Yes, I have tickets to the HHHA San Diego Charity Wine Tasting. Should be a fun evening.
Hope you get well soon.
Love,
Margot
Boople Chat, Nov 6 9:38 AM
Crystal
mom’s pulling out her eyelashes again
Lisa
oh dear
Lisa
was it the farmers’ market?
Crystal
sort of
Crystal
it’s a lot of things, really
Lisa
uh oh
Lisa
i saw the pictures of the booth on facebook
Lisa
looked nice
Crystal
yeah she put a lot of work into it
Crystal
she was going for “rustic chic” but i think she got more “rustic”
Lisa
sounds about right
Lisa
why was there a sign that said, “Marshmallows NOT soap”?
Crystal
oh that
Crystal
yeah people kept coming by asking what our soap was made out of
Crystal
apparently the marshmallows resembled soap because mom made them in rectangles
Crystal
and some people misread “Margot’s Mallows” as “Margot’s Tallow”
Crystal
like tallow soap
Lisa
oh man
Crystal
yeah i had to make an emergency run to the craft store to get the chalkboard sign too
Lisa
:/
Crystal
we stayed up until 1 am the night before tying on the raffia
Crystal
and then today mom decides that she wants to rip it all off and put on ribbons instead
Lisa
why?
Crystal
grace has ribbons
Lisa
ah
Crystal
yeah
Crystal
mom modeled her whole stand after grace’s, and then grace went and redesigned hers this week
Crystal
it’s probably just an unfortunate coincidence, but mom keeps talking about it
Lisa
aw
Lisa
what’s grace like?
Crystal
willowy, pretty, impeccably dressed
Lisa
uh oh
Crystal
from what mom told me, i was expecting her to be some snobby she-devil
Crystal
but she’s not that bad
Crystal
she seems genuine, but definitely lives the rich housewife life
Lisa
…without being an actual housewife
Crystal
exactly
Lisa
no wonder mom hates her
Crystal
yeah
Crystal
she’s pretty much the opposite of mom
Lisa
kind of amazing they’re friends
Crystal
i think it’s a result of them both being unnecessarily polite
Crystal
like one of them probably said, “we should grab coffee sometime” and the other was too polite to let the invite slide
Lisa
and here they are, one-upping each other at the farmers’ market
Crystal
LOL
Crystal
i should be more compassionate towards mom
Crystal
she’s been working her butt off all week to get those marshmallows ready
Crystal
and only one person bought them
Lisa
aw, really?
Crystal
yeah
Crystal
it was a bargain-hunter who came along at the end of the day
Crystal
she struck up a conversation with mom and mom let her have a box for half price
Lisa
aw
Crystal
at least she made a sale
Lisa
TRUE
Crystal
i don’t know what to do
Crystal
she works really hard, but i don’t think she has a strong business sense
Crystal
and now she’s starting to stress out about money
Lisa
but it’s only been a week
Crystal
yeah she dropped thousands
Lisa
how???
Crystal
she bought a mixer, ingredients, tables for the booth, a course on food safety, the works
Lisa
ah
Crystal
so now she’s asked me to clip coupons and we’re going to focus on making frugal meals
Lisa
:(
Crystal
i almost forgot
Crystal
we’re going to this wine tasting now too
Lisa
but mom doesn’t drink
Crystal
it’s an HHHA thing, and grace is hosting it
Lisa
of course she is :P
Crystal
so how was NYC?
Lisa
awesome :D
Lisa
i had to work a lot but i still managed to squeeze in a couple of shows and some amazing dinners
Crystal
that’s great :)
Lisa
yeah i’d love to tell you more but i’ve got to run to the dentist
Lisa
ttyl?
Crystal
sure :)
Crystal
hey didn’t you go the dentist already a few weeks ago?
Lisa
oh did i say dentist? i meant eye doctor
Crystal
ah cool no worries
Crystal
try not to memorize the eye chart
Lisa
will do ;)
Email, November 8
From: Boople Smart Companions
To: Crystal Hemmingway
Subject: A Smart Companion awaits…
Hi Crystal!
We noticed that you started your application for a Smart Companion, but haven’t yet completed it. We know your time is valuable, so perhaps we can sweeten the deal.
Boople is now offering testers a daily stipend to participate in the Smart Companion trial program. The stipend will depend on the engagement level of the user, but will be no less than $100 per day.
In return, we will only ask for a few 20-minute surveys during your trial.
&nbs
p; Thanks for your consideration.
Boople Smart Companion Team
Text Messages, November 10
Crystal
Ready to go?
Mom
I need a few more minutes.
Crystal
Where are you?
Mom
Shoe department
Crystal
Ok I’m here but I don’t see you
Crystal
Are you by the sale rack?
Mom
No I’m on one of the benches…a blonde woman is helping me find a mate
Crystal
You’re still talking about shoes, right?
Mom
Of course! Hehe!
Crystal’s Journal, November 11, 9pm
I should probably be working on my novel right now, but there’s no way I can focus. We just got back from the HHHA San Diego Charity Wine Tasting, and, to put it mildly, it didn’t go well.
Mom was super nervous about the party, like what she was going to wear and everything. She asked me for some fashion advice, and we even ended up buying her a new dress because none of the ones in her closet “felt right.” So after our emergency run to Nordstrom Rack, Mom asked me to help with her makeup. I may have accidentally said something about her having large pores (I was trying to say that liquid foundation worked better on skin with large pores), and I tried to backpedal as soon as I said it. I thought it was ok, but more on that later.
Anyway I had to get ready in about 20 minutes, so my party face and hair wasn’t the greatest, but it was ok at least. I had some really cute (and sexy) party dresses but I chose to go with something more conservative. Mom was already feeling unsure of herself, and I knew that if I wore something flashy, it’d only make her feel worse. So I went for the retro vibe, and added some low-heeled sandals as well (the Prada sandals remained safely in the closet, away from Mom’s judgement).
Mom actually looked quite nice in her dress and with her makeup (and I’m not just saying that because I helped). She wanted to get a quick picture so I suggested that we take one outside, since she has this cool string of lanterns in her backyard. We took a couple together but I also got some of just her, and a couple of them turned out really well. Like, with a couple of filters it actually looks semi-professional. I think we just got lucky, since the lighting was really great, but it was nice to see Mom looking so happy and pretty. I think it also has something to do with wearing foundation and stuff instead of just eye makeup, but I didn’t want to call it out since she’s “just not a foundation kind of person” (her words).
So getting to the zoo was a bit of an ordeal, and Mom already had a blister by the time we arrived at the gates. She tried to put on a brave face, but I gave her a band-aid from my purse, since I always carry them. But when we got to the party, it was this huge extravaganza, with colored lights and aerial acrobats on silks and trendy music. Everyone there looked to be at least 50, and so I was really glad that I didn’t wear a sexy dress, because getting ogled by guys my dad’s age would’ve been super awkward. Mom had this creepy smile plastered on her face, and I’m pretty sure she was trying really hard not to be jealous of Grace, and failing miserably.
Then all these waiters came around and offered us like a million glasses of wine, and Mom and I had to refuse every single one. Mom doesn’t drink and I’m not much for it (and I didn’t exactly feel like it with her already on edge). A bunch of random people from the HHHA came up to us, and Mom kept introducing me as a novelist, which was super awkward, because I haven’t even finished a book.
When it got late, I wanted to call it a night, but Mom insisted on finding Grace to congratulate her on the party. I knew this was a bad idea, but I couldn’t stop her, so pretty soon we were standing in front of Grace, who had this guy on her arm. He was incredibly handsome (for a guy in his 50’s) and she kissed him right then. Apparently his name is Philip, and he’s some sort of lawyer. Mom looked like she wanted to punch Grace in the face (that is, grinning from ear to ear with her false creepy smile), and then some other guy came over to talk to Grace, and I thought we were finally saved.
But then Mom was completely frozen in place. The guy turned, and he looked around 60, with some leggy blonde around my age hanging off his arm. He looked vaguely familiar, and I feel like I should’ve recognize him from somewhere.
“Margie!” he said, and gave Mom a huge hug.
And then it hit me. I’d seen him on Facebook, in a group photo on Mom’s timeline. It was James, the guy who broke her heart so badly that she had to crash my “romantic” Hawaiian vacation.
By this point, Mom was shaking, so I made a hasty excuse about not feeling well and pulled her to a remote corner of the party, back behind the drinks stand.
We plopped down on a bench. Tears were streaming down Mom’s face. Her mascara was streaked, making little lines on her foundation, so I handed her a tissue. She blew her nose and blotted the tears, but the streaks were still there.
For the first time today, Mom was completely silent. So I gave her a hug, and then put a hand on her shoulder. I wasn’t sure where to start, or what she was going through, so I just sat there with her.
And then it all started tumbling out. How Grace has everything, and how Mom has had to struggle for all these years, on her own. How everyone around her seems to be effortlessly rich, and how Mom has to fight for every nickel and dime. How James dumped her for a girl less than half his age, and how that makes it nearly impossible to find anyone once you’re over 50 and divorced. How everyone in San Diego is thin and beautiful, and how Mom can’t compete, no matter how hard she tries.
I tried my best to reassure her. She told me that she’s feeling unappreciated and that no one needs her, so said that I appreciate her and need her. I think she knew that there was truth to it, but it was hard to see her like this, at such a low. The way she talked, sometimes it seems like she feels invisible, like no one cares. I didn’t know what to say, because I do care, but I know that I can’t fill the gaping void that’s been eating away at her for a decade. No matter how much I reassure her, what she really needs is a romantic companion.
She started to wind down, and then she made some comment about her “large pores” and how awful she looked. I tried not to take it personally, because it’s the same kind of thing that happens every time. It doesn’t matter that I’ve tried desperately to say the right thing all night. She only seems to hear the one vaguely negative thing that accidentally escapes, and now she’ll probably be staring at her face for hours, obsessing over her “large pores.” So I handed her another tissue and told her that she still looked nice, and offered to drive us home.
Now we’re back, and Mom is asleep. I feel sorry for her, and honestly, if I’d known James would be there, I probably would’ve discouraged her from going. But it has been several months, and I guess she can’t hide from him forever. Whatever happened between them is their business, but she always insisted they were just friends, and maybe she can get back to that someday. Maybe the best cure for a broken heart is a new love.
Sometimes I wish I could just conjure up a guy for Mom. It seems like it would solve everything. I mean, what she really wants is someone to agree with her all the time, and give her unconditional, non-judgmental love. Kind of like a dog.
Except a dog is not the same as a romantic companion.
No, Mom needs someone who will talk back, so she feels heard. She wants someone to listen, but also to offer advice. That’s probably why she calls Lisa and me all the time. And why I’m in this whole mess with David in the first place.
If Mom found a guy to take care of her, then she wouldn’t need to lean on me and Lisa so much, and I could have my independence back. I don’t think a guy like that exists, though.
Hmmm.
Boople Smart Companion Online Application, page 4 of 93
Q: What is your favorite movie?
A: Must Love Dogs.
Q: What is your favorite food?
Q: Would you like your companion to:
_X_ Emulate a human
___ Look and act like a machine
Q: I am primarily looking for a companion to:
___ Be a servant (maid, cook, errand person)
_X_ Be a friend or confidant
Q: Describe your ideal companion's appearance.
A: A cross between Robert Redford and Pierce Brosnan, around 55 years of age.
Q: Describe your ideal day.
A: I’d wake up early, with the sunrise. I’d have a cup of tea and then do 30 minutes of yoga. Then I’d go for a walk outside, and make oatmeal for breakfast. I’d spend the morning out and about, going to the grocery store or farmers’ market, and then to coffee with a friend or my daughters. I’d make lunch at home, and eat it outside. I’d clean up the dishes and then go out again, probably shopping for clothes or books. Then I’d come home and bake chocolate chip cookies, and I’d eat them warm with milk. I’d eat dinner out at a healthy restaurant, and go for a walk afterwards. Then I’d catch a movie. Once I got home, I’d relax in a hot, candle-lit bath, and journal before bed.
Q: What behaviors do you look for in a companion?
A:
Good listener
Liberal with compliments
Constantly tells me: 1) he appreciates me, 2) he's proud of me, and 3) I am beautiful
Very handsome
Healthy
Active
Likes the outdoors
Intelligent
Compassionate
Spiritually open-minded (mainly New Age views)
Enjoys movies
Loves to travel
A gentleman (holds doors, offers to drive, etc.)
Gets along with my parents
Kind to my daughters
Patient
Enjoys eating food (especially dessert)
Dresses well
Has a nice car (ideally red)
Is well-off
Has a respectable but interesting profession