Mom's Perfect Boyfriend

by Crystal Hemmingway

  I am grateful to Inez from the party rental company, for accommodating an extra table at the last minute.

  Text Messages, Dec 22

  Crystal

  bad news

  Crystal

  mom broke up with adam

  Lisa

  shit

  Crystal

  she dropped it pretty casually too

  Crystal

  she said he took it pretty well

  Crystal

  but i’m not sure what that really means

  Crystal

  lisa?

  Crystal

  hellooooooo?

  Crystal

  ok I guess you’re busy again

  Crystal

  bye for now

  Margot’s Journal, Friday, December 22

  I had another challenging day today. Crystal and I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to fly out here (to Northfield), and after nearly four hours of flying and another hour of driving, we finally got to the party venue. Of course, no one was around to let us in, so I had to wait around in the cold for two hours until someone showed up with a key. Once we got in, it was one thing after another.

  There’s a shortage of green beans, so the caterers can’t make Mother’s favorite green bean casserole. The sign interpreter had to cancel at the last minute, and it seemed like every other interpreter was either booked, out of town, or simply unreachable. The A/V company had a rack of specialty lights burn out, and was wondering if we’d be alright with pink instead of blue (which would have completely clashed with our silver and blue winter wonderland theme). It felt like my to-do list was growing by the minute, and nothing seemed to be getting resolved.

  And in the middle of all of this, Adam called. He was being his usual sweet self, and wanted to know how things were going. But I really wasn’t in the mood to chit-chat, and I realized then that I didn’t even want to talk to him at all. Because what was the point? He was such a nice guy, and quite handsome, but he didn’t seem to want to go anywhere with our relationship. He was keeping me at arms’ length, and while he was on the phone asking me what the dress code was for this fundraiser, and I got this sinking feeling in my stomach.

  I realized that I didn’t want him to come, because it was going to add more stress to the party. How could I introduce him to Mother, and get her hopes up that he was “the one”? Adam hadn’t even kissed me on the lips! It’s really strange that he’d spend hundreds to follow me to a fundraiser in the Midwest without so much as a kiss in return. I just had this awful feeling that, if he came, I was going to regret it. Adam wasn’t showing any signs of changing, and I just couldn’t see a future with him. There was no point to having him come to the fundraiser, or carrying on with our relationship.

  So I told him right then, on the phone, that I didn’t think it was going to work out between us. It was better for him to stay home and enjoy the holiday with his family, and not trouble himself with flying all the way out here. We were better as friends, and so we should keep it at that before things went too far. He tried to protest, and he offered to take it slower.

  So I told him that “taking it slow” was exactly the problem. When he offered to come to the fundraiser “just as a friend,” I said that it would never work, because my mother and her friends already had the impression that we were dating, and they don’t really believe a man and a woman are ever “just friends.” Either you’re with someone, or you’re not. So I told him that in this case, I needed it to be “not.”

  It was really hard to say all those things to him, and to hear the silence stretching on the other line. Adam got really quiet, and I’m sure he was shocked. And yet I had to be true to myself, and follow my heart. I wanted to believe that Adam could be the guy I needed. He seemed to have all the right qualities, but something was always off about him.

  I still think he’s a good person and a great friend, but I just can’t be his girlfriend. It’s too hard to have him holding me at arms’ length. And I’d trade all the romantic dinners in the world for a single great kiss. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

  I wish it didn’t have to end this way, and breaking up on the phone is never ideal. I’m glad I told him now, though, because having him come to the fundraiser would’ve been a bad idea. At least we’ve averted that disaster, so I can focus on all the other crises that need to be solved in the next 44 hours.

  Gratitudes:

  I am grateful for Adam for calling and helping me realize that it was time to end our relationship.

  I am grateful for Ted the janitor, who drove out on his day off to let us into the venue today.

  I am grateful for Crystal, who brought me hot cocoa today without me asking.

  Text Messages, Dec 23

  Lisa

  have you heard from adam today?

  Crystal

  no

  Crystal

  why?

  Lisa

  any idea where he is?

  Crystal

  at home maybe?

  Crystal

  lisa?

  Crystal

  is he missing or something?

  Lisa

  not sure yet

  Crystal

  really?

  Crystal

  what’s going on?

  Lisa

  gotta run

  Crystal

  ok ttyl then

  Crystal

  bye

  Crystal

  love you

  Crystal’s Journal, December 23

  Mom’s HHHA fundraiser thing is tomorrow, and I’m at some event hall in Northfield, to help her set up. But because Mom is Mom, we got everything done two hours early, so there’s not much left that I can help with.

  Mom’s off fretting over the cake balls or something, but she said I was officially released for now. I wanted to stay with her since she’s been acting weirdly unemotional about the whole Adam thing, but she practically insisted I go, so I’m sitting on the floor of some back hallway, because it was a quiet place to hang out.

  I wish I could talk to Lisa about all this, but she’s still dodging my texts. From what I can gather, it seems like Adam went AWOL shortly after Mom broke up with him. So now we have a robot on the loose, and he’s probably emotionally unstable. The good news is that he probably still thinks he’s human, but if he somehow found out that he’s not…well, god help us all. I’m pretty sure it’ll be the start of robot doomsday or something, and if there are any humans left to write history books, I’ll go down as the Worst Person in History for starting all of this.

  In the meantime, all I can do is wait, and now it feels like the party can’t come soon enough. Mom’s starting to make me really nervous. She hasn’t shed a single tear about the whole Adam thing. Even when she told me about it yesterday, she just said, “I broke up with Adam. I think he had some issues, and it felt like it was time to move on.” Just like that. As calmly as if she was telling me she brushed her teeth or took out the trash.

  Ugh.

  And now she’s been in one of her hyper-efficient modes, and her face is like a mask of determination. It’s almost as if the whole thing with Adam never happened. Which would actually be kind of nice.

  EXCEPT.

  Mom is not the type to just up and move on. She’s definitely emotional (I’ve seen her break down when white ribbons were out of stock at the craft store), and all those feelings she had about Adam? They can’t have just disappeared.

  Which means she’s probably just bottled them up and shoved them away, and it’s only a matter of time before they explode. And then we’ll probably get The Meltdown of the Century, which I am NOT looking forward to. If she even gets a whiff of the whole Adam-is-a-robot thing, I’ll be in the doghouse for life.

  Ugh.

  This is worse than the anticipation before a bikini wax. But given the choice, I’d take the wax over this.

  Sometimes I wonder how I even got here. Just six months ago, life was going pretty well. I was enga
ged, I had a decent job, and my mother was overbearing, but at least she was physically in a different city. Now I’m sitting on a milk crate in the back of some dingy hallway in the middle of rural Minnesota, wracked with anxiety while I wait for a party that I don’t even want to be at. I mean, it’s for people like Grandma, not me. (I still don’t know what a Baked Alaska is, but apparently it’s on the menu.)

  To make matters worse, Grandma seems to have told EVERYONE about Adam. So all the HHHA ladies keep asking Mom about Adam, and Mom gets this creepy look on her face, and says that Adam had to “drop out at the last minute due to a family emergency.” Even freaking Grace was here, asking about him. Somehow, she and Adam never crossed paths, but she was “sooo disappointed that he couldn’t make it.”

  And then Grace has the gall to tell Mom, “I’d be happy to lend you my Philip for the evening.” I was so offended that I almost blurted out some snarky comment about her fake artisan soaps. But Mom just politely thanked her, so I tried to take the moral high road and kept my rebuttals to myself.

  But it gets worse.

  Mom had me packing gift bags near the door, when Grandma pulled her aside for one of her “little chats.” I don’t think they knew that I was standing right there on the other side of the curtain, because Grandma started to say some pretty blunt things. I thought about leaving, but it would’ve been super awkward since I’d have to walk right past them. So I decided to suck it up and stay.

  Grandma started out by asking about Adam again, and then being fake sympathetic when Mom had to repeat, again, that he was out due to a family emergency. I’m pretty sure Grandma knew something was up, because then she starts going on about how some relationships are just fun “little flings,” but how there are plenty of other fish in the sea, and how there’ll be a lot of great guys coming tomorrow who are Mom’s age. To her credit, Mom tried to stand her ground at this point, and said that things were fine with Adam (which must’ve been hard).

  But Grandma doesn’t let it go. She launches into this whole thing about how Mom should settle down with a nice man who can take good care of her, and how it’s time to be realistic. Because apparently marshmallows are “more of a hobby” and she thinks Mom would be much happier if she could have a “nice husband to take care of the money side of things.”

  I really wish I could’ve seen the look on Mom’s face. But if Mom was upset in the slightest, Grandma must’ve missed it entirely, because she then came in with the stinger: “At least consider moving back to Northfield. We’ve got plenty of great dentists here, who could use a good hygienist.”

  There was a heavy silence between them, and I didn’t even dare to breathe. Would Mom actually have The Meltdown in front of Grandma? But then Mom began talking, quietly at first, and growing more confident as she went. She said how it was never her dream to become a hygienist; it was always something that she planned to do temporarily, to make ends meet, until she became a mother.

  And then when Dad left, it was a fallback, because it was the only way she knew how to take care of us. How she’d worked at a job that never really inspired her for decades, and how she was phased out due to ageism. And that she’d applied to other jobs before her hours were reduced, but no one wanted to hire a hygienist over the age of 30, much less 50.

  She never really meant for the marshmallow business to support her, but she thought it would at least be a fun project and a way to earn some income. And how Grandma would’ve known that, if she’d only thought to ask her. Mom’s voice was growing thick with tears as she continued, “I’ve been responsible my entire life, but the second I do something for myself, you judge me.”

  Another silence passed, and I’m pretty sure Grandma was in shock, but Mom kept going, “After today, I’m leaving the HHHA. I haven’t been a homemaker in over a decade, because some of us have to work for a living. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a party to put on.”

  I heard Mom’s footsteps retreating, and a few moments later, Grandma left, too. I’m not sure who was more shocked: Grandma or me. But Grandma finally pushed Mom to her breaking point, and part of me wanted to cheer for Mom, for finally standing up to Grandma. I just wish that I knew what was going to happen with the whole Adam thing, because now Mom is in such a fragile emotional state, that a major meltdown is practically guaranteed.

  If she’s half as angry about it as she was just a few minutes ago, she might never speak to me again. And I’m not sure I could handle that, especially since I’ve already got a sister who’s dodging me.

  Email, December 23

  From: Adam Devereux

  To: Crystal Hemmingway

  Subject: Margot

  Crystal,

  Your mother ended our relationship yesterday. I want to respect her choice and give her space if that’s what she wants, but I’m very worried about her. I fear that she is suppressing her negative feelings about the fundraiser and isolating herself.

  Is this something that you have seen before? Is there anything I can do to help?

  -Adam

  Email, December 23

  From: Crystal Hemmingway

  To: Adam Devereux

  Subject: Re: Margot

  Hi Adam,

  I’m sorry about what happened. It’s not your fault. Mom is in good hands here, so please don’t worry about her during the holiday. I’m sure you two can have a long chat after Christmas.

  Also, where are you? Still in San Diego or did you head up to your parents’ already?

  -Crystal

  Margot’s Journal, December 24

  The party is set to start in under an hour, but I’ve triple-checked my to-do lists and it doesn’t seem like there’s anything left to do. I’ll probably pop back in 20 minutes or so, just in case someone lights their hair on fire (like the HHHA fundraiser of 2014) or something equally disastrous needs fixing. I wanted to stay in and keep an eye on things, but Crystal told me to take a few minutes to myself to do some yogic breathing or meditation. I tried both, but my mind was racing, so it was lucky I had my journal with me.

  It’s been an exhausting day already. I never should’ve told Mother about Adam. All the HHHA ladies were so excited to meet him, and they mean well, but they keep asking me about him, which is tiring. I’ve told them that Adam was called away “on a family emergency,” and I’m sticking to that story, because it’s pretty close to the truth. It’ll be much easier for me to explain the real situation to Mother later, once I’ve had time to process it. I can’t afford to lose my cool now, with the party less than an hour away. Nothing is going to stop this fundraiser from being a success – not if I can help it, at least.

  I got into a bit of a spat with Mother earlier. She’s been so pushy about me finding a guy, even though she knows that I was dating Adam for the past several weeks. For some reason, she never treated him like a real option. Even though Adam and I broke up, it hurt to hear it, because Mother never seems to trust my judgment. I’m over 50 years old! How much more “life experience” does she think I need to make good choices?

  Mother was also very rude and critical of my marshmallow business. She had this idea that I was trying to make it my full-time job, and seemed to think it was a failure because I haven’t made a profit yet. Good heavens! I only started it a couple of months ago, and we’re still getting our flavors worked out. I have plenty of savings to last at least half a year more, and if I’m not profitable by next summer, I was thinking of getting a part-time job at a natural foods store, or if things got really bad, I could always look for more hygienist work.

  Mother seems to think that I should just settle down with some small town boy from Northfield, and give up my career aspirations. Well I’m sorry, Mother, but I actually really enjoy making marshmallows, and I think my business could take off. What if my path is to create the best artisan marshmallow company in California?

  People coul
d go to a store like Whole Foods and buy my products. If I give up now, I’ll always be small-time, just another middle-aged baker at the farmers’ market. Mother just doesn’t seem to understand that I have greater aspirations than being a housewife, and wants me to move back to a snowy, depressing place like Northfield. There are many good reasons why I moved to San Diego, and the biggest one is her.

  Oh, I almost forgot! I ran into Eric a little bit ago. Eric Robertson, the one who made the commemorative video, and my first boyfriend? Anyway, he arrived early to help set up the video, and I walked right past him – he’s almost unrecognizable! I don’t know if it was the divorce or perhaps the years have been kind, but he looks nothing like the chubby teddy bear I knew before.

  He’s still got a boyish face, but he’s much fitter now, and actually more handsome than I remember, too. We got to talking a bit, and he’s still the same in some ways (big, goofy laugh, and lopsided smile). I must’ve forgotten how blue his eyes were, though, or maybe it was just the shirt he was wearing. Anyway, it’s not like I’m interested right now.

  It turns out that Eric has a daughter who’s in college, and of all places, she had her heart set on St. Olaf, here in Northfield. I guess her mother is a professor there, so they can get free tuition. His daughter is really into choir, especially a cappella, and St. Olaf is a great school for it. It means he doesn’t get to see his daughter as often, which is why he wanted to bring her as his plus one to this party. Isn’t that wild? Here I was, thinking he’s already found a new girlfriend (he might’ve, with the way he’s cleaned up), but the girl he was referring to was actually his daughter! She’ll be here for the party later, so I’m looking forward to meeting her. I wonder if she resembles him more, or her mother.

  Apparently Eric’s been living in New York for the last fifteen years, working as a photographer. He’s been doing a lot of studio work, like staged shoots for book covers, product photography, and some fashion photography. But his real passion is travel photography, and he said that he’d like to take his motorcycle on a cross-country tour someday, photographing everything along the way. It sounds very romantic, but after my recent experience on a motorcycle, I’m not sure that it would be as fun as it sounds.