Pygmy

by Chuck Palahniuk

  Alcohol of tincture close gone, remaining abandoned iodine crystals frosted underside of metal saucer. Soon, this agent to scrape and collect. Combine most carefully along household cleaner ammonia, generate form nitrogen tri-iodide. Will precipitate red-brown crystals. Wash crystals with alcohol. Wash repeat with ether. Producing next then among most vast explosions learned to humanity.

  Peering brown eye to face of operative me, Magda say, “Important must freeze still, comrade.” Say, “No motion.” Agent 36 poke own fingertip against own face cheek, say, “This location of comrade face, dusted spot white crystals mercury fulminate…”

  Very dangerous, caustic, blast when too heated, blast from any shock. Mercury fulminate. Most old, most no stable explode compound.

  Operative Magda raise to point on only foot toes, ballerina poised, to lean near. Breathing of agent 36 brush cheek of operative me. Magda face imminent to contact face skin of this agent. Next then, tongue of operative Magda unfurl out mouth, tongue slippery pink, wet glow, tongue muscle wipe damp path across cheek of this agent.

  Cleanse future exploding mercury fulminate.

  Next now, hand of operative Magda cup near own mouth, ladylike, screen action as agent 36 salivates protective wad to encase dangerous compound. Next now, Magda expectorate wad salivate against laboratory floor, fast expelled, zip-slam into floor where spit compound impact, flash-boom, blast leaving crater on concrete.

  All fellow operative eyeing. Pigs of Guinea squeal. Sand of concrete raining all agent, stink of smoke, Magda say, “Permit relax, comrade secure now.” Repeat expectorate, second salivate produce no blast.

  Exhaled breath of Magda stinking sodium hydroxide. Stenched of lead acetate. Could be lips of acetic acid to create deadly chemical reaction, burst when contact sodium bicarbonate lips of this agent.

  Next now, unison voice all operative, speaking single voice, say, “Greetings, esteemed most revered educator.”

  Door of classroom laboratory no longer healed in wall. Door swing so display respected chemist instructor, acclaimed mentor, brilliant leader. Unite wave of voice, all operative say, “Accept, please, our gratitude for the wisdom you impart.”

  Instructor bow head.

  Operative all bow head.

  Acclaimed leader make small parade to wire bin occupied white rodent. Hand of leader swing hatch door to access, pinch behind skin of rodent neck and remove out wire bin. Hand suspend wiggling rodent shoulder-high during face of instructor rotate to ensure all operative eyeing. Make small parade to edge of empty water bin sunk, flush, into laboratory work surface. In center floor of bin, drain hole. Perched top edge of water bin, spigot flanked metal switches to make gush hot or chilled water.

  Operative all eyeballing. Magda, Ling, Tanek, Chernok, all.

  Revered instructor place white rodent on floor of empty water bin, near drain hole. Instructor say, “Inside head, make following picture…” Say, “Having returned to house, find wild rodent fallen, trapped within house water bin.”

  Instructor brandish hand direction rodent, during pink claws scramble over steel metal insides of water bin. Rodent climbing little way, then now sliding to trapped on floor of bin. Rodent pink nose twitching air. Pink eye peering up, out water bin.

  Much-brilliant instructor say, “Little dirty animal trapped long duration…” Say, “Much hungry, much thirst, much exhausted …” Instructor rest eye against each operative, Metro and Tibor and Mang, say, “Little animal curl tail tight to protect self. Shake. Shiver filled such terror…”

  In water bin, white rodent shiver. Cower. Single drop yellow urine roll stripe from animal to drain hole. Ear of rodent fold flat against back of head. Squeezing self most small as able.

  Instructor dangle own hand into bin, so fingers stroke white fur down back of rodent. Stroking fur, say, “Little animal merely desire to survive.” Say, “Except animal vector disease.” Say, stroking fur, “Little animal dirty, plus instinct plan reproduce…”

  Esteemed instructor fashion mouth to display frown. Rotate face to one side, then other side, repeat to make head meaning “no.”

  Acclaimed instructor say, every today must human follow example given from deity. Action of mercy, say instructor, an insult to eye of deity. Say deity no display such mercy. Say operative acting mercy place self on top, standing on top head of deity. Envision self possess more wisdom deity.

  Esteemed instructor say top deity ordains all living creation suffer—wasted disease or screaming wearing covered blood—then must some today all to die. Only tragedy if suffer and die during innocent. No sin, no crime, then extinction not earned. Such waste an affront to deity.

  “Because all suffer then die,” say instructor, stroking white fur rodent, “then operatives must earn own some today extinction.”

  Justify future cruelty acts of deity. Make of deity no sadism, instead vast wisdom judge.

  Top deity model only correct behavior. Say great wisdom instructor, “All must do unto fellow being what the deity does to all.”

  If operative frequent kick dog…if strike with slap hand reproductive partner…if operative murder stab fellow, that mimic correct lesson of deity. At some today instant of extinction—could be heart explode or consume toxic foodstuff—that extinction no tragedy, no large waste to offend deity. In truth, extinction sinner great vast pleasure unto deity. More sin, more crime, say instructor, more deity will rejoice upon extinction of operative.

  Hand of instructor twist water switch, forcing spigot gush water into bin. First, chilled water. Next then gush begin vent steam, water heating, high heat turning steel floor of bin to dark with temperature. Rodent sliding to escape temperature water, heated floor. Hand twist water switch until more gush, flood more floor. Rodent scramble to climb polish walls of bin, slide back to scald, squealing. Rodent climb and slide. Slide and squeal.

  Hand of revered leader dangle to electric switch mounted underneath of work surface. Finger activate electric switch and roar sound erupt from drain hole. Out of hole, shaking din, grinding metal of teeth. Hungry dark hole.

  White rodent tumble down steel walls, slide, escape grinding drain, rodent feet scorched red running too fast able eye to witness.

  Glorious instructor lift own hand, open palm to face all operative. Hand of oath or pledge. Celebrated instructor say, “Vote.” Say, “Current now, with hand, vote: Must we extinguish diseased parasite?”

  Hands of operative Ling and Chernok rise to say yes. Hands of Tibor and Mang.

  Hand of operative me remain low. Breath trapped lungs. Heart muscle scramble as rodent, battle indoors rib cage. Nose sniff, hard snort, so eye this agent no bleed water. Say inside head, say: Permit rodent survive. Say, Please.

  Hand of operative Magda rise to vote yes. All operative eyeing this agent.

  Revered instructor quote total vile tyrant, brutal king Adolf Hitler, quote, ‘“I do not see why man should not be just as cruel as nature.’”

  Hand of this operative rise. Total “yes” in unison. To make single voice.

  Today, talented instructor say, this crime is how the West would title as “baptism.” Today crime craft operatives present here, a pleasure unto the deity. Dirty sinners. Cruel glorious own screaming extinction earned. Arriving the random today designated your torture extinction—from airplane plummet or nuclear poison—then will memory so many personal crimes comfort, soothe operative into eternity. Important, revered instructor say, “After here, wish top deity a vast pleasure to murder you.”

  From current today, deserve to die.

  Next now, white rodent slide, skid, tumble down drain hole. Feed grinding metal teeth. Gone.

  Quote, “I do not see why man should not be just as cruel as nature.”

  Next now, scream squeal of rodent also gone. Only gush scald water patter metal bin. Glorious wisdom instructor tilt self until both own hand stationed under gush, where hand wrestle each other, wrestle cake of soap, wash clean.

  Out black drain of hole, climbing white
whisper of steam. No squeal, no animal odor. White rodent erased.

  Dispatch

  Sixth

  Begins here sixth account of operative me, agent number 67, attending initial today structured compulsory education session. Public education institution Middle level. Homeroom Dated current now. For official record, American education facility devoted humiliation and destroy all self-respect out native youth. Conspire to degrade all dignity. Calibrated tasks assigned to destroy all self-esteem.

  For official example, purpose lesson titled “Junior Swing Choir” many potential brilliant youth compelled sing song depicting precipitate remain pummel head of operative me. Complain how both feet too large size for sleeping mattress. Idiot nonsense song. Next sing how past visited arid landscape aboard equine of no title. All student compelled, no option.

  No baby animal to experiment. No access nitroglycerin. This agent possessing too much respect for teacher ask: Why gorge fatten heads gorging so much useless art and music? No benefit to state!

  For official record, moment American instructor display self in classroom door, students no stand and say, all unison one voice, “Greetings, esteemed most revered educator. Accept, please, our gratitude for the wisdom you impart.”

  Initial classroom session, feet of operative me stand by instinct, mouth say salutation, create full silent in classroom. Instructor eyeing. All student eyeing this agent.

  Out rear of classroom, voice, male voice say, “Fuck you, Pygmy.”

  Other voice, female, say, “Pygmy, you suck ass.”

  Followed all make laughter.

  Could be hand of operative me fling sharp pencil, Shooting Porcupine Dart, zing-jab, speed javelin harpooning center of student forehead, render damage brain, if surviving…vegetable.

  For official record, cat sister occupy same classroom as operative me. Host sister emanate smoke molten solder smell, finger spotted red burn, shining patches skin scorched. Sister cat eye rimmed irritation, branched blood tunnels exposed, angered of poison solder smoke.

  Additional present Junior Swing Choir: Trevor bitch. Also, operative Magda.

  Other rooms, hallway, midday eating location, eyes of operative me witness Tibor, Mang, Chernok, Tanek, Otto, and Vaky; all agent attempting shake from heads idiot lyric word of songs, infected worthless language of corrupt Western poetry. Useless American poetry and music no celebrate sacrifice lifetime to preserve state. No herald shining future of bright nuclear weapon, abundant wheat, and shining factory. No, instead most American song only empower to enjoy premature actions necessary for reproduction, grant permission commingle egg and seed among random partner occupying padded rear bench automobile.

  American structure education serve primary function introduce partners for reproduction. During sessions, many viable female gaggle, cluster knots around center gossip talk. Batting eye cover skin at direction most symmetrical potential male. Mesomorph male youths, targeted for seed, merely strutting stenched clouds groin fungus infection acquired from appareled unclean athletic supporters.

  All must sing nonsense or no allowed college, no advanced physics and training. Force compelled to sing how yearning for location on top arched spectrum of light wavelengths created by precipitate. Exact song expressed Judy Garland, woeful martyr, slaughtered pawn of capitalist entertainment machine combined pharmaceutical complex.

  If no sing, all youth condemned into poverty. Denied possible advancement and self-realization.

  During “Junior Swing Choir,” compelled stand so make fence, layered several rows human fence, driven sing brainwash song, operative Magda tilt from behind this agent. Magda mouth into ear of operative me make whisper, say, “Comrade?” Say, “Commence you phase first of Operation Havoc?”

  Mouths of operative me merely fashioning lips shape of lyric words, no sing, say in return, “No, comrade.”

  In order gain training organic chemistry or nuclear particle flux statistics, must engage too many idiot ritual: paint picture, volleyball, make waltz, craft poetry, participate dodge-ball, scream idiot songs, torture violin or piano using many false note. Total most today, many useless task. Worst ever torture to watch youth wasted.

  Worst wasted time, how idiot song occupy head of operative me. Song involving how dangle in side-to-side motion from distant solar body, next convey illuminations of lunar body to domicile contained in glass vessel… idiot song drive all useful knowledge from head. “Junior Swing Choir” a conspiracy oppress American youths, create them future slave workforce, singing million idiot song during labor of frying meat burgers. Dunking fried potato of France deep in bin boiling fat.

  Whisper of Magda say, “Operative Chernok by current now seeded often several American female.” Say, “Operative Mang planted embryo own host mother.”

  Magda insist phase first must soon complete. Say, “Comrade, seeded you own host sister?”

  For official record, effect worst—idiot song flush from head of operative me most irregular verbs Mandarin Chinese. Erode all knowledge Portuguese. Idiot lyric overwhelm understanding of advanced field equations calculus. Overpower and devastate to oblivion stored memory to operate Iranian-manufactured Khaybar KH2002 medium-barrel assault rifle. Crowd until no longer recall how many rounds per minute capable firing Ukrainian Vepr assault rifle.

  For official record, only inside head of operative me, say, No. This agent no fornicate atop cat sister. Only instead report own status, in retort say, “Comrade agent thirty-six?” Say, “Mindful of own mission, carry you current now American embryo?”

  No retort. Merely bellowing crowd American prince and princess, perfumed in misery of third-world labor—sewed bright garments. Trouser shivering of plastic telephone apparatus, await reply. Other youth thumbing keyboard to build English printed words, convey instant message.

  Clouded within fog of idiot singing, whisper of operative Magda say, “No, have received no American seed…” Say, “However, formulate major plan to acquire.”

  Fence row, erected immediate front of me, back shoulders and neck of host sister. Smell melted lead metal smoke. Hair gathered to plummet down sister backbone.

  From behind, Magda say, “Priority first, must each generate American anchor baby.” Whisper quote famed radical anarchist Mikhail Bakunin, say, ‘“The passion of destruction is also a creative passion.’”

  In front, trouser of cat sister vibrate. Hand of sister snake to retrieve telephone from own pocket. Eyes look message words printed in English. Replace telephone into trouser.

  Magda whisper, hot breathing at ear, “Must quick, Pumping Rabbit Maneuver, squirt-squirt, plant seed into her!”

  Quote, “The passion of destruction is also a creative passion.”

  Next now, cat sister swivel neck to eye operative me. Craning neck to eye backward over own shoulder, host sister say, “Pygmy?” Say more loud to battle against singing noise, say, “Trevor Stonefield just texted me…” Utilizing own hand, cat sister finger fast contact own forehead, contact sternum, contact left deltoid, contact right deltoid—superstition gesture—hand describing shape of fake torture man burdening sticks. Fashion eyes wide, say, “Watch out for Trevor in dodgeball, okay?”

  Dispatch

  Seventh

  Begins here seventh account of operative me, agent number 67, seated among sleeping chamber of host sister. Domestic structure Cedar. Suburb community . Date . For official record, night of today host cat sister absorb all light.

  Host cat sister apply face with black paint, all layer black, surround mouths, eyes, to make white tooth shine bright, white eye appear vast blinking minstrel show. Arms and legs appareled black blouse and trouser. Feet, black shod. Black blouse feature neck of turtle. Sister eye rest on own eye reflected mirror mounted in own hand.

  Eye of operative me steady consume sister gesture and progress to disappear own face. Current today, this agent repeat sit balanced edge on host sister bed, mattress pile with blanket. Animals of brown weave all smile. Silly animal.

  Ou
tside window of sleep chamber, night of today. Sky no display orbit moon. No speck distant solar systems.

  Next now, door swing from healed in wall, display pig brother.

  Remain eye rest on own black face in mirror, host sister say, “Geez, do you ever knock?”

  Host brother say, “You putting on your makeup for the dance tonight?”

  Sister smooth paint along edge of eye. Face sideways to mirror, eye cornered to witness self-reflection.

  Pig dog brother rest eye on operative me. Host brother foot kick bed, say, “How about you, Pygmy? Up for some fresh seventh grader ta-tas?” Half face collapse as one pig dog eye squeeze shut. Make wink eye. Say, “Get you some fine, hot sweater meat?”

  One hand mounted mirror. Opposite sister hand, tips smeared black from paint, cat sister say, “Mom and Dad conk out yet?”

  Pig dog brother say, “You overdose them again?”

  Host sister spread both hands along sides of face, plow hair backward, flat. Contain strands hair utilizing loop synthetic latex. Hands loop tight again, repeat loop latex band until hair remain pulled flat to skull. Cat sister withdraw sliding compartment out front of cabinet, full inside laundered apparel, engineered for support mammary. Plus stored there many inside trouser sewed sheer nylon for tight encase sister groin and buttocks. Yellow color. Printed many genitals of daisy plant. Sister say, “Pygmy?” Say, “You going out for the Model United Nations?”

  Pig dog brother say, “Not Pygmy, here.” Fisting own hand to make small slug, impact deltoid of this agent, host brother say, “The Pygmy only ever wants to hunt the fine fun bags…”

  Mouths of operative me say, “Define?”

  “Fun bags, you know?” say host brother. “Paw patties, gobstoppers, rib bangers…”

  Mouths of operative me say, “Define?”

  Host brother cup both own hands hovering over own pectoral muscles, bend fingers to squeeze invisible, flex fingers during shut eye, during tongue muscle wipe own perimeter mouth, say, “Sweater meat!”