Pygmy

by Chuck Palahniuk

  On condition this agent act as delegate on behalf United States will host sister be indebted. So vast appeal.

  Cat sister say, “Plus, Ms. Matthews will give you extra credit in Social Studies.” Say, “Plus, we’re having a Dance of World Peace after.”

  Perhaps as redeem favor, fulfill obligation, could host sister open vagina for deposit seed of operative me. Permit this agent complete task phase first, Operation Havoc. Perhaps—hope beyond all hope, dream beyond impossible—cat sister consider make ritual dance with this agent.

  Continue sister say, “I’m going as Swaziland. United Nations is exactly like Halloween except more political.” Say, “My brother’s going as Ceylon. He figures since nobody knows jack about Ceylon he can just make up stuff.”

  From distance across shrine, lips of Magda form words, mouth silent quote magnetic giant, appealing fascist Benito Mussolini, say, “The fate of nations is intimately bound up with their powers of reproduction.”

  To cat sister, will agree…only if host sister allow this agent to accompany along during next secret foray. Apply to face of operative me black paint, apparel black, attend secret mission to venture through window during next planned escape night of today.

  Cat sister say, “I don’t know…” Rotate face to one side, then other side, repeat to make head meaning “no.” Say, “It’s kinda illegal…”

  From distance, breasts of operative Magda appear more volume, more round, crowding sweater. By ominous magic agent 36 breasts rapid inflated.

  Quote, “The fate of nations is intimately bound up with their powers of reproduction.”

  Cat sister say whisper, “You have to swear.” Say, “Swear to fall down dead if you tell.” Host sister say, “The truth is…I’m a spy”

  Face of operative me fashion arced eyeballs surprised, mouth gaped open with slacked jaw. Say this agent, “No.” Whisper say, “A spy?”

  Cat sister tilt face forward, tilt backward, repeat to make head meaning affirmative. Say, “Now, swear.”

  Lips of operative me expectorate into palm of own hand, extend salivate hand to cat sister. This agent agree to represent American nation only if sealed hand shaking.

  Waiting long now, then now, then now cat sister rest eye on pool salivate. On final now, extend own hand covered spittle. Host sister embrace, clasp entwined fingers to encase pocket of slippery warm fluid between.

  Dispatch

  Thirteen

  Begins here thirteenth account of operative me, agent number 67, on council chamber floor, Model United Nation, conducted suburb of city . General assembly session . Date . For official record, operative me acting as delegate United States, appareled appropriate traditional American wide-brim, ten-gallons boy of cows head covering, coated reflective sequins of colors blue, white, and red. Foot shod boot associated profession boy of cows. Borrowed of host mother. Skinned ostrich. Otherwise appareled black fabric tunic printed English words “Property of Jesus,” sewed so appropriate fit vast North American obese endomorphic body type. Hemline tunic flair loose flapping knees of operative me.

  This agent appointed acting general secretary for oversee Model United Nation.

  For official record, fellow delegate display colorful costumes represent own varied native lands. Lady delegate Malawi adored harem trouser pink gauze, so thin no conceal black color bikini thong within. Buttocks cleaved traditional black butt floss. Despite Caucasoid, male delegate Gabon adored dashiki, many insect molded black plastic, fake houseflies sticked to own pale face skin painted latex spirit gum. Caucasoid male delegate of Qatar draped torso bandolier countless rounds machine gun ammunition, fist of young Caucasoid blond hair, lifted as Black Power salute.

  All Caucasoid youth delegate of third world, adorned necklaces fake animal teeths, straight hair fashioned cornrows, fashioned dreadlocks, or ratted style Afros. All Caucasoid with straight narrow nasal aperture, bred genetic trait to shed European precipitation, today seated behind desk nameplates: GUYANA, PERU, GAMBIA, MYANMAR, EQUATORIAL GUINEA. Fanning own selves utilizing palm fronds. Whipping cords own shoulders, shoo no present tse tse flies. Complain much over malaria. Discuss quality fresh drinking water. Compare infant mortality rates.

  Suspended from roof, board of scores. From wall, bottomless basket woven of cord netting for inserting balls. Golden floor polished basketball wood, no permitted tread dark-soled footwear fearing heel mar, skid mark. Same arena location as held ritual mating gyrations.

  Lady delegate Kiribati straddle leg gentleman delegate Tuvalu, both nation representative draped immodest skins of artificial animal tiger, ragged loincloths, drawing ballpointed pen Senegal symbol fake tattoos high on inside skin surface each the other pale thigh.

  Lady delegate Nepal festooned transparent veil across face, breast concealed within brassiere shimmering gold coins. Shimmy gyrate hips. Gentleman delegate Bhutan feature animal bone inserted through topknot of hair, loins girded grass skirt, brandish spear. Other lady delegate adorned coconut brassiere. Other, sari. Other, kimono. Other gentleman, diapered as Gandhi. Other, Nehru jacket. Turban. Woven conical coolie hat. Sashay in plaid pleated kilt.

  Delegate each court breeding partner. Delegate fulfill reproductive imperative.

  Form trade alliance. Forge peace treaty. Negotiate lower barrier tariff.

  Other delegate waving headdress crested feather style Las Vegas showgirls, seated at nameplate BRAZIL. Other delegate stumble down aisle council chamber, tripping on hemline own burka. Other delegate carry walking staff topped human skull, own face streaked colors white, black, yellow war paint.

  Normal tribal tattoo American youth, multiple piercing nose and lip and ear, only this today appear appropriate. Accessory to costume.

  At podium, this agent gavel, pow-pow, gavel, pow-pow, gavel, pow-pow, to bring general assembly to order.

  Operative Chernok as delegate Italy sucking the earlobe of lady delegate Venezuela. Oleg appareled lederhosen. Operative Ling fondling buttocks of lady delegate Mexico.

  From stance atop stage Junior Swing Choir, stance at podium, piping voice of operative me in vain request world congress come to order.

  Operative Magda cover head under black beret, carry long baguette bread, penciled ink across own top lip, black line so suggest mustache. Magda approach stage, stance at feet of operative me, casting eye up to this agent, Magda say, “Bonjour, comrade, urgent must have discussion regarding colossal topic.” Eyes of that agent leveled with knees of operative me, Magda tilt torso so able wield bread baguette, batter legs of this agent. Clubbing so, say Magda, “Immediate.” Say, “Impending event at stake.”

  For official record, that same now, cat sister approaching, hips wrapped snug around with fringe red shawl knotted to one side of waist, fringe sway, whole one leg bare almost so groin exposed. Wrapped on top head, host sister adorned with red turban, dangle gold metal loops from each earlobe. Piled atop turban, artificial banana, pineapple of plastic, rubber grapes, fake apples, towering crown inedible fruits. Swing thighs, sway fringe, balancing head covered of fruit, cat sister arrive beside operative Magda at foot of stage. Host sister lift both hands, brace sides of fruit so able cast eyes up at podium, this agent. Cat sister say, “Trick or treat!” Say, “Guess who I’m supposed to be…” Same now, say, “I’m Cuba”

  Operative Ling oral cavity engaged oral cavity Turkey.

  Magda eye bleed water, single path of drip down own cheek. Smudge pencil line of black mustache. Say, “Please.”

  Next now plastic pineapple of cat sister commence vibrate. Sister burrow fingers between bananas, retrieve small black apparatus. Personal telephone. Eyes rested on buttons, say, “It’s Sri Latke.”

  Say Magda, “Sri Lanka.”

  “Whatever,” say host sister, thumbing button keyboard, say, “Sri Lanka says Afghanistan has the biggest crush and could totally jump the bones of Morocco.” Eye fix English text screen, telephone, say, “And this is so wild… the Falkland Islands are breaking up with New Zealand and heard
from a reliable source that Namibia has scary dick warts…”

  Say Magda, “Excuse, but request Cuba no profligate gossips.” Say, “Assume comrade Cuba assigned member seat.”

  Say cat sister, “Sit down, yourself.” Remaining eye at telephone, say, “Honey, this isn’t just any gossip.” Say, “This here’s global world politics!”

  Lady delegate Zaire fingers toy blond cornrows hair, trickle laugh to display healthy teeth, extend long smooth muscle of neck.

  Projecting own voice most tone sorrow loaded bitter contrition, this agent say, “As official empowered representative for the citizen peoples of the United States…” Say, “As first duty, compelled before this august body of nations to apologize…” Remain fellow nations kissing. Nations keyboarding instant massage. Nations plugged with music into both own ears.

  Hands of operative me remove ten-gallons head cover, clasp between both hands, hug to own chest, and say, “This American nation duly recognizes itself as the evil tyrant source of all world misery, the most selfish ignorant superpower…”

  Lady delegate Romania cup hand behind own ear, wave other hand so to silent fellow delegate. Gentleman delegate Poland pluck music plugs out own ears so able listen.

  Enlarged loud through microphone, amplified voice of operative me say, “United States consist of merely 4.6 percent the world total population yet consume over 75 percent global energy resources.”

  Gentleman delegate Czech Republic cease fondling coconuts of lady delegate Haiti.

  Operative Magda make small parade so mount stage, stance at behind shoulder of operative me, breathe whisper at ear of this agent, say, “Utmost crucial to initiate dialogue, comrade.”

  During assembly chamber gaining quiet, voice of operative me remain loud, lips of operative me tilted so make contact metal mesh surface of microphone, voice amplified loud, say, “Fellow momentous delegates, request assembly buttocks attain appropriate locations.”

  Voice say, shout, male voice, “Fuck you, Uncle Sam!”

  Stance below podium, delegate draped folds of sleeping fabric sheets, pattern with many smiling animal, silly animal clutching floated balloon, sheet draped to form toga, stance at foot of stage delegate masked behind video camera. From face eclipsed with camera, male voice muffled, say, “I’m shooting a video called Nations Gone Wild” Toga delegate lower camera to display face. Revealed as pig dog host brother, head wreathed artificial foliage laurel colored glittery metallic gold.

  Pig dog delegate say, “Guyana just flashed her rack for me!” Say, “For a banana republic, she’s totally awesome!”

  Stance at elbow, Magda clutch “Property of Jesus” tunic, give tug, say, “Demand grant attention, comrade.”

  Pig dog delegate say, “Pygmy, little man, pass some declaration making this session clothing-optional.” Say, “I gotta nail some footage of Ethiopia.” Say, “That little vixen is smokin’ hot!”

  Distant perimeter assembly chamber, delegate vixen exchanging saliva with tongue muscle Palestine. Both nation locked mutual clutch so hands vanished within blouse and trouser of other.

  Gentleman delegate Jamaica distribute cakes baked, odoriferous wealth chocolate pieces, fragments walnut and hashish.

  Delegate Algiers arrive transport on person elaborate hookah crafted brass metal, reservoir water sloshing, trailing plethora octopus arms tipped brass mouthpiece. Algiers instant swarmed many delegate cramming octopus arm inserted mouth, sucking bubble through water during Algiers ignite brazier. Spiral corrupt smoke out brazier, out exhaled delegate lungs, stinking reek Cannabis sativa.

  Operative Magda fill breath into ear of this agent, say, “Most top priority must communicate…” Push shoulder this agent using freshly expanded party pillows, blouse bunnies, rib cushions.

  Pig dog mount camera to own face, say muffled behind lens, say, “Yo, Canada!” Say, delving returned depth of crowd, pulled by camera focus into delegate mix, while vanish, say, “Jiggle me those bodacious northern hemispheres!”

  Amplified voice of operative me, announce against din telephone ding, bubble hookah, flurry voice, slap hand delegate Sudan impacting face cheek delegate Jordan, eruption laughter, burst scream, this agent announce against fog cannabis smoke, say, “Present this today for discuss topics of global important.” Continue say, “Must address increase temperature atmosphere, enlarged ozone hole, decimation Amazon forest, must stem extinction giant panda, halt religion persecution, nuclear proliferation, sexual disease pandemic.”

  Hemline lifted delegate appareled burka, below hemline revealed clear-yellow body hair legs. Burka flap so display paramilitary combat boot issued desert operations, male size fourteen double-E laced so girdle such dense leg fur.

  Fellow delegate merely continue chatter, grope, eat hashish cake. Delegate Russia slide stealth hand within own tunic, hand emerge around bottle sloshing clear liquid vodka. Fellow delegate clamber as infant bird, all head tilted backward, teeth yawned open at roof while Russia splash vodka down each swallowing throat.

  From foot of operative me, this agent extract boy of cows boot, swing boot to batter podium, heel pound lectern so microphone transmit as great sound boom. Over speakers, deafening boom. Splitting ear boom. Crashing boot heel, boom sound, boom sound, boom, until general assembly no able communicate among delegates.

  Boot boom until floor assembly chamber silent.

  Until Magda whisper retreat. No tug tunic.

  Until voice of operative me stand alone.

  As representing vast pile United States, this delegate announce apology. Announce immense regret how American nation contain merely 3.6 percent total world population, however consume 95 percent total world energy resources. Express sorrow how seven from every ten American citizen suffer morbidly obese, blind plus amputated of every arm and leg. Vent remorse over wealth American economy constructed atop backbone African slaves. Genocide native peoples. Exploitation ethnic immigrants. Subjugation female citizens and sacrifice conscripted males into slaughter of imperialist warfare.

  As speaking for vast American citizens, this delegate announce motion to sanction United States. Announce this nation to immediately cease exporting degenerate mass culture. Immediately disband constituted states, from current now create result fifty petty fiefdoms. Nation of Montana. Nation of Arizona. Nation of Florida. Fifty battling insect kingdoms.

  In continuing, announce to forgive all overseas debt. Additional to pay sanctions amounting to all hoarded gold money Fort Knox toward gaining affection of esteemed third-world nations. Plus to make available own cherished American children, ship overseas as lifelong chattel slaves, gesture shown of goodwill.

  Floor of general assembly silent, reek only vodka, cannabis smoke. Listening ear.

  Expressing much vitriol, this delegate proclaim former United States to summarily execute by slow torture—bloodletting or cooked alive atop bonfire—all existent own leaders, present and former, on every levels. From vile corrupt federal president to evil puppet maid of parking meters. All to be tortured before corpses dragged through public street and head mounted pointed pike.

  Next now, panting declarations of operative me, moment required pause to draw another next inhale; at that silence, Magda interject.

  Perhaps microphone adjusted too loud. Perhaps assembly so quiet. Magda voice only whisper, but explode so reverberate every corner of chamber. Magda say, “Insist hear, comrade…”

  Broadcast so resonate throughout all delegate, Magda voice say, “I am big with child…”

  Delegate Argentina, delegate Japan, delegate Myanmar retaining cannabis smoke locked in lung, exhaust smoke into bursting guffaw. Next now, whole entire chamber filled guffaw. Flood guffaw upon guffaw, great waves buffeting stage. Stink breath of ridicule eroding operative Magda, laughter consuming operative me.

  General assembly erupt laughter roar. Conflagration laughter.

  Next now, delegate appareled burka reaches hand to grip own hemline. Delegate lifts hem to reveal within: trouser leg cu
ffs rolled to knee, display torso, expose face of Trevor Stone-field. Reveal tucked behind buckle of waist belt: Colt DA snub-nose.38 caliber, alloy-frame version, two-inch barrel. Trevor hand gripping trigger Detective Special.

  Into ear of operative me whisper Magda, quote pugnacious visionary Vladimir Lenin, heroic autocrat, say, “One man with a gun can control a hundred without one.”

  Muzzle flash. Loud retort. Stench gunpowder smoke.

  Same current now, head of delegate Sri Lanka explode.

  Second muzzle flash, head of delegate blond cornrows Zaire explode. Next then, East Timor fez explode. Egypt turban. Feather headdress Brazil explode.

  All much valued education of nations, all cultures and legacy, every event history celebrated as holiday, children of future. Contribution to civilization. State ideology, language, laws, all of these blasted. All aspiration and crimes. All opinion and prejudice. Pulverized and shattered. Concept of the deity, ethics, native aesthetic. All best ideals of nation made steaming gray meatloaf, evicted from turban or Afro or jeweled crown out exit wound.

  Delegates paralyze. Delegates flee screaming. Other delegates remain laugh, belch vodka, or cough bloodshot-eye cannabis smoke.

  Pig dog record pogrom through camera. Cat sister ducking fruit head, bananas, and plastic pineapple so shelter beneath delegate desk, keyboarding telephone summon police. Magda in refuge behind podium, debate if burdened with fetus able execute Leaping Hyena, Monkey Mash, or Launching Leopard, fly-blam, for neutralize attacker.

  Quote, “One man with a gun can control a hundred without one.”

  During all, Trevor snub-nose remain erase fellow youths. More explode heads.

  Eyes of operative me cast on cargo within Magda blouse, enlarged bosom, and this agent say, “Comrade, actual in truth impregnated?”

  And Magda, agent 36, fashion mouth of half smile, wipe bread baguette to mop mustache with eye water, black ink saturate white bread. Soiled bread. During all, tilt Magda face forward then back, face forward then tilt back, repeat to make head meaning “yes…yes…yes.”