Pygmy

by Chuck Palahniuk

  Brother assemble broken missile, secrete cylinder battery in trousers. Closing box of vivid blue plastic, say, “For my dad, we bought him a year’s premium membership in the Almost Underage Nympho Latinas Web site.” Pushing box so returned below mattress, say, “At least this ways we know they’re home…and not out looking for trouble.”

  Make small parade returned to subterranean chamber of television appliance, location host father and mother remain no conscious. Where host brother penetrate silver box, small box surfaced with buttons, insert cylinders, heal hatch. Pig dog brother keyboard box. Television viewing appliance flash, appliance face illuminate image female youth, delegate of Guyana, hands gripping hemline own dashiki lifting so display attractive pair sweater meats. Delegate twist torso one side, then other side, repeat twist so cause adolescent blouse bunnies sway hypnotic motion.

  Next now, television display delegate Trevor Stonefield discard burka. New now, head delegate Rwanda consume hashish cake, adorned necklace numerous human teeth, face cheek striped red color, yellow and blue war paints, next delegate head explode. Image paralyze at now when delegate dreams, fears, prejudices, adorations all emerging as pink bubble so burst out side of Caucasoid skull. Delegate mouth remain macerate hashish cake during own entire thinking machine escape.

  Pointed silver box at television appliance, pig dog brother say, “Little Pygmy, this tape is my ticket to the big money.” Say, “You’re looking at a gold mine bigger than the Zapruder film.”

  Same now, voice say, female voice emerge shadowed doorway, say, “Too bad you intercut with kiddie porn…” Voice revealed as face cat sister, face skin painted black, torso appareled black tunic and trouser. “No news outlet will run underage titties,” host sister say, “You’ll be lucky not to spend next year sharing a cell with some pedophile.”

  Pig dog keyboard button so full skull delegate Rwanda vent as vast pink sneeze out ear canal. Keyboard button, and contents delegate accumulate, assemble, leap returned into skull, delegate repeat smiling, eating cake, shaking teeth necklace so dance over naked hypertrophied pectoral muscle. More keyboarding, delegate skull repeat explode. Assemble, explode. Assemble, explode. Advance, retreat. Advance, retreat.

  “Stop it,” say cat sister. Host sister stoop to examine face unconscious host mother; utilizing finger sister lift eye cover skin of mother. Sister say, “Did you dope them?”

  Keyboarding the skulls to explode, the fun bags bounce, host brother say, “All I got to do is cut the boobies.” Keyboarding small silver box, say, “At last count, you owe me sixteen roofies.”

  Next now, cat sister extract small cylinder out own trouser, finger cylinder until one end blaze bright illuminated. Seizing eye cover skin open, host sister aim bright blaze so directed host mother exposed eyeball. There, host mother iris no expand or contract. Cat sister apply two own fingers pressed side mother neck, say, “Her pulse is weak and irregular, dickhead.” Bright blaze light begin fade, fainter, fail to dark. Host sister jerk cylinder two direction, finger switch only create no illumination. Say, “Thanks, Mom, for nabbing my flashlight batteries.”

  Same current now, dark stain liquid bloom on crotch host father trouser. Host cat sister clench own face into fist around own nose, snort small inhale, say, “Dad’s wet…” Say, “You plan on changing him?”

  “Last time,” host brother say, “you yelled that I got talcum all over.”

  Television appliance depict Trevor Stonefield exercise trigger Colt, expend ammunition. Colt DA snub-nose 38-caliber, two-inch barrel, muzzle flash. Loud retort. Puff smoke. Fez delegate disintegrate. Conical coolie hat atomize.

  “Last time,” cat sister say, “it was Mom, and I had to change her.”

  On face of television revealed Caucasoid lactoids delegate Ethiopia, festive jump as delegate lift both hands so adjust bone inserted through own false Afro-style hairdo.

  Keyboarding button box, host brother say, “I already got feelers out to six record labels wanting to use my footage in their next hip-hop videos.” Say, “No fuck’n way am I dumping this on any network news.”

  On television appliance, revealed Trevor Stonefield, face curtained at sides clear-yellow hair. Electric-bolt blue eye.

  Cat sister say, “That bastard shot me in my pineapple…”

  On viewing appliance, bullet discharged of Colt Detective Special trajectory until collide plastic pineapple balanced high atop host sister turban of many fake fruit. Pineapple rendered infinite bits yellow plastic, green plastic. Television image of host sister plummet to assume unconscious heap.

  During witness image within television viewing appliance, host brother say, “The word is, old Trevor was a big repressed homo.”

  Subsequent now, then now, then now, eyes of operative me, host brother and sister merely observe appliance. Speed bumps shake, then fall dead. Chesticles jiggle, then spattered with blood. Gentleman delegate Cayman Islands, catch bullet in forehead. Gentleman delegate Bermuda pierced through breastplate woven porcupine quills.

  Host father continue urinate trouser. Silver rope viscous saliva escape mouth corner host mother.

  Plunging hand into own black trouser, cat sister produce diminutive mirror. Sister repeat stoop so able position mirror in path nostrils of father. Position mirror below nostrils of host mother, sister say, “They’re barely alive, but they’ll survive.”

  Eyeballs remained cast upon viewing appliance, host brother say, “Good luck sneaking past the reporters out there.”

  Cat sister make small parade to bench cushion where this agent reside. Out trouser, sister produce small jar, twist so remove lid, dip two fingertip into contents. Fingers ladle black paint, hover near face of operative me, cat sister say, “So, Pygmy, you think you have what it takes to make a good spy?”

  Sister commence smooth layer black paint so conceal face skin of this agent. Cat fingers contacting about eyes of operative me, tracing paint around lips of this agent. Host sister say, “A spy has to be sneaky.” Say, “Can you keep a secret?”

  Sister rub skin of this agent cheeks.

  Displayed television appliance, dancing devil dumplings delegate New Zealand.

  Weapon of operative me expand against limited constrictions own trouser.

  Cat sister say, “Can Pygmy hide what he’s thinking, like a good spy?”

  Displayed viewing appliance, Trevor Stonefield snap pistol new full magazine.

  Cat sister stroke black paint down nose of operative me, say, “Can Pygmy here go that ruthless, heartless extra mile?”

  Displayed television, diminutive figure this agent crouch behind lectern. Huddled with diminutive figure operative Magda. Next then, figure this agent launch self toward inside roof, suspended tumble, somersault whole self above ground, spring with both arms off slanted top of podium, sailing wind fast, executing exact swish-zonk Lunging Lynx. Sailing Lynx twist so evade bullet spray, zero aiming feet at target Trevor Stonefield, landing both legs Lynx wrapped about clear-yellow head, flex knees so yank Trevor skull off connection atlas, separated at cervical vertabra five near top of spine. Loud pop, instant quick dead. Decapitated. Lunging Lynx ride falling body to floor, Trevor muscle remain twitch, eyeball spread wide with surprise. Same clear-yellow body as violated men’s spa of shopping mall. Head wilted on neck, dead. Surrounded weeping balloon bombs spattered red blood. Contortion cadavers dead delegate. Trevor Stonefield interrupted. All anxious, all turmoil and aspiration, all affection and hostility—erased.

  Face skin operative me, painted black, deleted. This agent say, “Please, Trevor occurred actual no such terrible individual …”

  Already media branding Trevor Stonefield evil demon devil for all recorded history.

  Quote, “When news is concerned, nobody in the press is a friend—they are all enemies.”

  During next now, pig dog brother keyboard so Trevor neck no wrung. All delegate skulls vacuum gray meatloaf contents restored. All returned merry faces. This agent striking podium utilize heel boot associated
boy of cows. Auditorium resonate Magda voice: “I am big with child…” Reverberate laughter. Next, brother keyboarding all dead. All alive. All dead. All blood contained. All blood exhausted. Advance, retreat. Advance, retreat. Keyboarding both visions during cat sister exit so retrieve canister talcum powder.

  Dispatch

  Sixteenth

  Begins here sixteenth account of operative me, agent number 67, seated aboard public mass transportation routed . Transferred of route . Transferred of route line . Originating transportation route .

  For official record, during venture to board access current conveyance, vehicle captain rest eye upon operative me and host cat sister, both face skin painted black color. Negroid captain seated so to control steering, accept payment, announce disembark locations along route, captain witness cat sister black paint, say, “What are you two supposed to be?”

  Mounting step of conveyance, depositing coinage into receptacle neighboring captain, cat sister fashion wide smile of black-painted face, say, “What?” Host sister contract trapezius muscle so elevate deltoid adjacent ear to fashion shrug, say, “Ain’t you never seen a mime before?”

  Fellow passenger aboard public conveyance, seething broth proletariat, body of labor muscle, boiling cauldron class resentment awaiting only leadership activist brain. Stench perspiration combined inexpensive cologne. Drab appareled colors reflecting various inclement weathers. Trousers color collected gutter rain. Blouse and tunic color soiled cloud. Skin faces fellow vehicle passenger lined from oppression. Required merely this agent mount bold stance atop upholstered seat, so able visible for all present. Perhaps shake upright fist. Next then announce rescue arrived. Stern discipline operative me order command, ferment ignorant proles so sacrifice selves to action of glorious revolution. Prompt fellow passenger mutiny, savage overwhelm vehicle captain until jettison corrupt demagogy, crowd then seize helm—first of public conveyance, second of wayward national state.

  “Take your seat, please,” say captain, say, “you boarded the westbound number fourteen bus, at the Lincoln Park stop.”

  For official record, during escape host family residence, host sister and this agent did peer over sill of window, ogle assembly media parasites, ready equipments satellite broadcast and exploit events.

  Floating tiny orange light, each trailing smoke of cigarette. Milling horde many journalist predator. Open cups steaming the odor grinded coffee beans stewed with scalded water. Single searchlight flares to illuminate media jackal, appareled uniform jacket with skirt, helmet of rigid hair, clutching microphone, jackal transfixed by flaring light say, “Behind me is the home of the Cedar family, where an unlikely hero has been their resident foreign exchange student…” Say, “Fuck.” Say, “Let’s try that from the top.”

  Other searchlight activated, appear additional media buzzard and hyena taken stance before residence of host family. Squinting at light, speaking into glare, uniformed buzzard say, “A foreign exchange student is credited with stopping a gunman and saving the lives of several dozen students today …”

  For evade bloodthirsting pack scavengers, host sister vacate residence out window of sleeping chamber, lead this agent grappling foliage, balanced along utmost limb Castanea dentata. Immersed deep stealth shadow, navigate limb, second limb, scale trunk so gain access limb provided Quercus rubra. Navigate limb, clutching foliage until gain access lateral limb Juglans nigra, until more removed of vicinity jackal hordes, searching floodlights, and satellite betrayal system.

  Ensconced aboard first public conveyance, crowded among numerous elbows and knees American proletariat, jostled sway and jolt, list generated from defects in roadway, flaws vehicle suspension, host sister train own face of black paint, cast eyes upon this agent to say, “Your little friend … France?” Say, “She really knocked up?”

  Could be flash-fire-quick instant. Wham-crack. Bone elbows spear-pointed sharp bent to soar, Soaring Eagle Double Strike, bonk-conk, to left-right temple soft spots of cat sister forehead. Hard hit, zing-crunch, to hammer through layer of black hair. Could be, pry. Force open, dry, all friction, all peel of tender membrane until humpy-humpy dripping head of weapon wedge room in virgin slit of vagina muscle.

  Perhaps only reason to blame affection, hands of operative me not already strike host sister to ground, render cat sister unconscious so able enter with turgid weapon, commit Pumping Rabbit Maneuver, squirt-squirt, empty contents testicle awash viable American eggs.

  Perhaps true profound affection defined by no entering vagina without consent.

  Ensconced aboard second public conveyance, host sister say, “That would be my folks’ worst nightmare, me hatching some gross fetus right now.”

  Appareled black, shod black shoe, cat sister carry fabric sack former encase cushion purpose to cradle skull during asleep on mattress. Sack of white fabric pattern silly animal with helium balloon. White fabric flopping empty, almost empty. Round object sway, swing, small and heavy in bottom corner of sack.

  Plunging hand into own trouser, host sister extract jar black paint. Twist lid so unhealed. Fingertip spoon black during cat sister say, “You could use a touch-up.” Cat sister fingertips lift toward face of operative me. Sister say, “Close your eyes.”

  Fingertips Braille face cheek of operative me, stroke smooth, massage. Gentle circle. Greased finger lick infinite tiny licks along lips of this agent. Slippery finger slide width of forehead, tickle eyes cover skin shut tight. Leaving layer black paint. Skin of operative me, whole skin of face rush to meet touch. Nothing in eyes-shut blackness, merely honeyed odor cat sister exhales, sound of host sister voice. Vehicle conveyance vibrate.

  Host sister voice say, fingering skin, say, “Your little friend, is her name Maria?”

  Lips of operative me revise, say, “Magda.”

  Ensconced third public conveyance, host sister say, “You’re pretty much our compromise.” Say, “I mean, I wanted to be an exchange student to Uganda or Tanzania, someplace bitch’n, only my folks were sure I’d get loved up by some bush guerrilla and bring them home a half-breed grandkid.” Say, “Their compromise is we sent away for you.” Say, “You can open your eyes…”

  Cat sister heal own eye cover skins so blind, tilt chin forward so face offered as gift for this agent. Say, “Now, you touch me up…”

  Ensconced aboard fourth public conveyance, host sister say, “Nobody needs to go to Tanzania to get preggers around here.” Say, “I never told my folks, but a while back Reverend Tony oozed up next to me at youth group and offered his own brand of private ministering.” Say, “That’s how come I carry my rape whistle…”

  Devil Tony.

  Digits of operative me explore sister face skin, smooth polish surface each cheek, trace slick edge curved margin mouth, sensation squirming eyeball alive behind eye cover skins, penetrate rim each nostril dipping digits so enter hole smear and retreat, advance and retreat, digit entering nostril more deep and retreat. Coaxing host sister bellow wet hah-shoo, sneeze. Repeat spray hah-shoo.

  Blood glow flood cat sister neck skin, say, “What?” Say, “Are you fucking my nose?”

  Negroid captain of public conveyance halt vehicle, activate door so becomes unhealed in metal wall, decree through amplified microphone, say, “End of the line.” Say, “All mimes please disembark.”

  Surrounding vehicle, vast night render all hidden. Mating cry of cricket. Frog of bulls croak. Vehicle captain abandon this agent with cat sister along margin paved roadway bordered fence of linked chains, trenched ditch retaining stale water, many invasive plant life. Interrupting fence, gate. Beyond gate, vast field paved macadam.

  Arriving vast macadam field, empty of automobile, host sister sprint bending knees deep, knuckles dragging primate posture, shoulders hunched so obscured behind landscaping hedge. Approach building assembled red brick. Sign stationed at entry lettered in English words to read: RADIOLOGICAL INSTITUTE OF MEDICINE. Crouched sister continue grasp fabric sack of skull cushion. Invade sack with hand, extract white c
ard, sized of plastic money card. Laminated card attached anchored spring apparatus for gripping chest blouse pocket of cow host father. Laminated name badge swinging there, giving name Donald Cedar, from orange dot code security level nine. Swipe magnetic strip. American industry typical biological toxin exposure indicate strip.

  Host sister brandish card, say, “This is not a date.” Say, “This is Spy 101 training”

  Sister walking crouched, stealth follow blurred edge of shadows, eternal obscured from camera security scanning landscape. Host sister say, whisper say, “Think of me as your spy mentor”

  Arriving entrance of building, splayed so flat against wall of chilled bricks near healed doors, sister plunge hand within fabric sack. Emerge hand cupping green object. Cat sister gesture laminate card at healed doors. Next then handle round green object so aligned lens of box beside doors. Nothing occurs.

  Fingering green object so repositioned before lens, say, “We need to get this thing home before my dad wakes up.”

  Green object, artificial prosthetic human eye crafted of glass. Identical of vast cow father eye. White of eye smudged multiple fingerprint host sister black paint.

  Glass eye coated slight adhesive, suggest dried fluid, same sticky surface as plastic missile and mortar owned by host mother. Gloss left dull beneath layer dried proteins, plethora bacterium.

  Next now, eye new positioned, locked door slip unhealed. Latch loud clack, sound angry humming. Sister grasp edge of door swing so wide to reveal room within building, fluorescent illuminated hallway, linoleum passage stretched toward direction infinite top secrets. Could be this now, feet of operative me Kangaroo Kick, wham-bam sister head, render brain damaged so this agent able access interior of federal government knowledge. Implement Operation Havoc.

  Cat sister insert self through unhealed door, hesitate, say, “Since you’re still in spy training, you’ll be the lookout.”

  For official record, recall this agent the words of glamorous national heroine, sanctified beauty Evita Peron, quote, “My biggest fear in life is to be forgotten.”