Pygmy

by Chuck Palahniuk

  In actual, project vessel labeled “Peace Machine,” for reality to deliver quantity neurotoxin deep within core United State capital city, kah-blam, trigger dispersal, no relenting murder countless American vermin.

  Present cat sister, keyboarding small telephone, apply to own ear. Pressuring phone to ear, say, “Come on, Dad …” Say, “Answer your phone”

  Once depraved tyrants of America fatal extinguished, reign future then world at peace.

  As per decreed operative Magda, all opposing projects generated local student, such projects rudely sabotaged. For ensure success Operation Havoc. Construction simple electromagnetic purposed for gather wire fashioned clipping paper—exhibit foiled with inclusion clips composed solely plastic. Scale model volcano no erupt after provisioned with ingredients phosgene gas, nearly exhibit deadly suffocate young geologist.

  All competitor frantic laboring repair botched project. Failed chemist. Would-be biologist.

  Solely cat sister beam confident of project. Host sister remain stance adjacent folded table, own placard lettered boasting merits invention. Sister contract trapezius muscle so shoulder shrug up around ears, say, “It started as a regular gift for Mother’s Day.” Say, “Then kind of spun out of control …”

  Cat sister eye tiny telephone, say, “Dad promised to be here…” Say, “Where is he?”

  Beginning moment lips operative me, during give oral lecture explaining DNA project, professor eye clouded cataract indicating boredom. Muscle eye no focused. Pupil eye wandering direction knitted sweater, leader of cheers, Madam Chesticles. Professor ogle tunic Madam Sweater Meats.

  Other professor blink eye cover skins, draw brow pinched in center, say, “Hey, aren’t you the kid saved everybody from the crazy shooter?”

  Peace lecture operative me interrupted.

  Other inspecting professor point writing instrument, say, “You’re Pygmy?”

  Fellow professor say, “From the TV…?” Offer own ballpoint pen, offer tablet filled notes compare competing science project, say, “Can I have your autograph?”

  Hand operative me make signature atop sheet of paper. Signature second sheet. Signature all sheet as “Pygmy,” despite no actual name this agent. Assemblage professor, learned band judges dismiss science project operative me. Instead, grasp hand of this agent. Agitate hand. Make small parade so examine next exhibition.

  Next science project, plant life produced hydroponics garden exposed as Cannabis sativa. Officers of law summoned. Loud protesting own innocence, student botanist taken custody, rapid spirited out venue. Sabotage successful.

  From distance exhibition floor, observe operative Otto beaming gleeful smile. So prideful such clever sabotage.

  Next, parade learned academics arrive experiment invented stealth cat sister. Rested atop table, displayed moderate missile comparable light mortar round Japan artillery, caliber fifty-millimeter Type 89 “leg” mortar shell. Missile encased skin pink-color plastic. Smooth polished. Painted letter across placard, written: “Bliss 2.0.”

  Say host cat sister, “May I introduce the next generation in complete happiness…” Hands sister lift missile, brandish before attention all judge, explain as miracle prosthetic phallus. Appliance phallus able wireless attach World Wide Web, download supplement software, upgrade programming. Tailor for simulate multiple sexual scenario ranging tentative penis wielded adolescent youth to top range mindless rape platoon enemy army soldier. Masquerade genital member any global archetype. Simply user submit code of scenario so activate.

  In addition, boast phallus able adjust surface temperature. Wide variety warmth for chilled circumstance. For heated weather, offered phallus able chill itself, assist lower core temperature of user. Explain sister, top best cost savings compared expense for operate conventional central air-condition.

  As bonus feature, phallus include ability perform recorded music. Capacity storage more than fifteen hundred song file, audio book, academic classroom lecture, religious reading. Synchronize stimulation vibrate so matched music. Suggested possible able educate user, imprint wisdom facts, knowledge during embedded shuddering consumer pelvis.

  “Plus…” say cat sister, closing eye cover skins for effect, tilting head meaning “yes,” say, “the wipe-clean finish is antimicrobial.” Say, “And … it’s the last anything you’ll ever need inside yourself.”

  “What?” say learned judge, make small laugh, say, “It’s not powered by nuclear fusion?”

  Cat sister offer weak smile, say, “We’ll be launching that product feature with Bliss 2.1.”

  Explain host sister, phallus total compatible either IBM or Apple platform.

  Contain global positioning sensor so forever orient by satellite.

  Automatic relay fault codes, conduct own systems check each usage. Time-delayed activation so function as clock of alarms. Converse, programmed stop own operation automatic once user metabolism indicates asleep.

  Other standard feature, phallus employs conductivity of skin to measure user glucose levels, monitor electrolytes bodily fluids, test serum cholesterol. Regulate cycle ovulation. Enhance memory. Coordinate wardrobe. Increase automobile gasoline mileage.

  In secret this agent reciting, no voice, say, Erbium … europium … fermium …

  Total top easy host sister to be awarded best prize of science fair. Not this agent. Instead cat sister journey so compete finals competition, city of Washington, district of Columbia. Thwart objective Operation Havoc.

  Anxious observant all operative, Bokara, Sheena, Mang, frightened such miracle device garner most top award, usurp opportunity advance to national competition.

  Next then, professor request demonstrate appliance. Demand show how activate miracle phallus.

  Focused amid all present watching, cat sister manipulate missile, handle hidden control appliance base, activate mechanism for commence pink-color plastic transform more shade pink, more darker pink, color shading red. Next then, phallus pulse surge, vibrate, quiver, shiver. Invention shake, oscillate, tremble. Project joggle, jiggle, flutter. Emerge sweet melody music, trill melodious tune.

  Face numerous professor fashion wide smile.

  Cat sister smile.

  Sudden now, phallus increase degree jostle. Machinery convulse, quake, jolt. Thin ribbon smoke, white smoke stray out plastic shell. Smoking phallus jump, caper, jerk, issuing dark smoke, black smoke.

  Crowd all present retreat one stride, recede safe distance during phallus sprout miniature flame, red, yellow, blue flame. Sound screaming wail, no pretty music. Wailing demon phallus spring from table, bolt about exhibition floor, pursuing terrified judges. Trailing acrid black smoke, comet tail orange flames, screaming killer phallus spit molten plastic, pounce in chase wailing students. Stalk howling youth. Squalling inflamed phallus hunt squealing children.

  Same now, tiny telephone host sister sound ring. Adamant ring.

  Phone applied ear, cat sister say, “Dad?” Dodging aflame path killer phallus, host sister say, “You’re in jail?”

  Same then, teeth operative me spread wide, legs spring, jawbone this agent snap shut, find purchase around flaming missile, snatch-catch, perfect Biting Bulldog. Crush renegade phallus. Molars render no longer threat.

  All present strike together palms. Raucous cacophony applause. Attempt strike palms upon scapular this agent.

  Saliva operative me flavored solder, scent cat sister some many night effort for construct device. Taste sweat of host sister labor. So wasted effort. Sour tang of guilt. Expectorate this agent masticated remnants scorched rocket.

  Professor foot, shoe prodding smolder remains invention, say, “Thank God that didn’t happen inside of someone…”

  Awards top honor upon this agent. Hero of this today. Hero of Model United Nation. Hero of local science fair.

  Total vast assemblage mounting verbal cheer. United of single voice, chant, “Pygmy!” Chant, “Pygmy!” Chant, “Pygmy!”

  Quote, “On every side, the slug humanitarianism leaves
its slimy trail, obscuring the function of intelligence and atrophying emotion.”

  Gazing ruin former menacing phallus, yelling at telephone, sister say, “But, Dad, why’d they arrest you?”

  Same now marking most major strategic victory operative me—lauded vociferous by all, phallus conquered, competition project sabotaged—this exact now, host sister begin wail at telephone. Eye stealth cat sister commence copious bleed water.

  Dispatch

  Thirtieth

  Begins here thirtieth account of operative me, agent number 67, upon return religion propaganda distribution outlet of city . Seated among throng many citizen, vacuous lazy multitude citizen state . Philosophically lax, morally despicable, culturally exhausted membership congregation religious community . On occasion disposal cadaver devil Tony for nourish soil denizens.

  Snake nest. American den of evil. Hive of corruption.

  Casket containing devil staged position, same shrine location as casket of clear-yellow bully. Same location previous casket gun-shot delegate Zaire, delegate East Timor, Egypt, Brazil.

  Open of ceremony, string embedded all paraffin cylinder, strings inflamed. Space perfumed genitals lush plant life. Statue man still dead, plaster bleeding red paint. Mounting altar of worship shrine, crippled zombie, stumbling ancient skeleton Doris Lilly. Hunched beside casket packaging mortal remains, decaying devil Tony, esteemed Miss Lilly say, cough thunder of phlegm noise upon microphone, say, “Due to the absence of our lay minister, Donald Cedar…” Say, “I’ve been asked to say a few words in regard to the tragic passing of Reverend Anthony…”

  Host father Don Cedar, vast breathing cow, this today absent.

  Twitching claws chicken mother, talons shred wadded facial tissue infinite bits. Host mother scented double extra dosed Xanax, perspiring abundant, pelvis no humming battery missile. Loins hollow of plastic vibration missile.

  For official record, this today skills operative me having erased two American vermin, deleted two corrupt parasite—school gunner with pedophile. Yet aware no sensation fed. Discern no fulfillment mission. No satisfied such slaughter, instead solely aware such numerous more vermin to murder. Infinite quest such numbers for extermination, if perhaps no possible.

  Additional seated bench of shrine, cat sister, pig brother.

  Present operative Magda, hands of that agent hovering around hidden fetus.

  Amidst present congregation mourners, female parentage Trevor Stonefield.

  Doddering skeleton Doris Lilly deliver eulogy. Leaking eyeball gaping round, suffer such anguish. Such grieve. Explain devil Tony discovered strewn, fatal corpse fallen surprise casualty cerebral hemorrhage. Corpse chilled on account heart muscle so long time no contracted. Located beneath plaster foot, proof remain evident: atop carpet twin tiny stain blood leakage out devil ears canal.

  Eulogy no mention inner bikini pants operative Magda, stained blood, seed, neurotoxin. Abandoned this agent, inner pants frozen within death spasm fingers devil Tony. Cotton fabric soiled, so fixed this agent no able retrieve. Forced abandon during feet operative me retreat.

  In greater afraid … within thinking machine operative me, this agent ponder if entire being operative me pitted for destroy American, annihilate homosexual, crackpot Methodist religion, Lutheran and Baptist cult, extinguish all decadent bourgeoisie—subsequent successful total such destruction: Render this agent obsolete? Of no worth?

  If possessing no vile enemy—will operative me cease also exist?

  Seated for witness burial rite devil Tony, cat sister whisper, say, “My dad had some contract to invent something,” say host sister. “It was some new caramel vanilla fudge flavor for some Starbucks-kind of franchised global coffee hut.” Say, “The taste was supposed to be irresistible…”

  Reason why host father, Don Cedar, seized in custody police. Victim military-industrial complex joined action corporate food conspiracy.

  Lingering, amidst contents thinking machine operative me, discern perhaps this agent caught, also contained trap. Compelled nurture and preserve dreaded American enemy, if solely for provide target hatred operative me. Hatred homeland state operative me. Must this agent forever ensure supply American vermin for ensure ongoing mission to make extinct?

  Echoing within skull operative me, no certain which more breed terror: Preserve enemy. Or, successful resolve single driving purpose, energy of vast hatred, lifetime vocation this agent.

  Cat sister seated adjacent bench, scented solder, reeking black smoke issued exploding killer phallus, melted attacking phallus. Cat sister say, “What happened was this reverse Louis Pasteur deal.” Say, whisper say during burial rites, say, “Their banana-caramel-nut deal got contaminated.” Say, “It grew this superdeadly mold…”

  Much venerated mummy, decayed carcass Doris Lilly move parrot mouth, droning. Withered hand mop seepage of clouded cataract eyeball.

  Whisper cat sister explain, artificial flavoring tainted bacterium, bloom fungus extreme toxic spore, original source neurotoxin deemed too deadly except permanent deep storage, frozen. No utilized flavoring franchised coffee beverage. Despite so flavorful, banana-caramel-nut essence deemed threat all humanity, required top-priority secured secret vault.

  This now, same now during sister whisper, mummy Doris Lilly void nasal mucus out nostril so cling cupped tissue. Fill microphone terrible sound. Wipe face of sopping tissue, say, “At this time, I invite everyone who loved our beloved reverend to stand and come forward…” Say, “To make your last farewells…”

  For official record, no citizen straighten legs for make stance.

  Operative Magda cast eyeball upon this agent. Cat sister cast eye upon Magda.

  Duration now, then now, then now, many lasting now, no citizen make stance. All retain seated.

  According cat sister, whisper, recent audit, neurotoxin no accounted for. Sole clue, security record dictating Don Cedar frequent foray during nighttime. Violated facility night of today neurotoxin vanished. Upon toxin no longer resident, legal authority seize host father suspicion theft. Maximum incarcerate pending investigate.

  Final operative Magda make straight legs. Emerge out end of bench. Legs Magda take stride routed central aisle, several stride so approaching casket decomposed devil.

  Same now, female parentage clear-yellow bully, eye cast upon this agent. Married partner of arrested male Stonefield, eye fixated upon face operative me. Clenched hand female Stonefield, pinched between fingers sheet white-colored paper. Snared within clutches, white paper envelope.

  Same now pig brother emerge out bench one side shrine aisle. That now, emerge female parentage Trevor out opposite bench entering central aisle. Two citizen meeting. Female say secret message, head tipped almost to contact hearing ear of pig dog brother. Host brother twisted ear so listen, hand pig brother rise so accept envelope, white envelope relinquished female finger.

  Next then, both citizen stride aisle. Ranked among throng awaiting for pay last respects to packaged carcass.

  Ranting skeleton Doris Lilly, trembling mask dead skin, wadded leather mask, say, “I feel certain our cherished recently departed reverend would agree when I say…” Say, “‘Words build bridges into unexplored regions.’”

  Eyes historic venerated madam fixed atop face operative me. Withered eye matched eye this agent.

  Awaiting visit casket, pig dog brother eviscerate white paper envelope, ogle letter sheet folded therein. Host brother reading letter.

  Whisper cat sister protest, say, “He’s my dad.” Say, “And pretty quick he’s going to be your dad, too.” Say, “We can’t just let him rot in jail.”

  Twisted mouth outlined red wax, pushed into microphone, repeat say Doris Lilly, ancient withered cadaver say, “‘Words … build … bridges … into … unexplored … regions…’”

  Exact quote maniac chieftain, admirable guide Adolf Hitler.

  Dispatch

  Thirty-first

  Begins here thirty-first account of operative me, agent number 67, reca
ll training session. On passed occasion practice physical education, ministry of health, city . Conducting resistance training Romanian dead lifts, Bulgarian split squats, , overhead press. Under observation, direct report revered director master health administrator .

  Depict here standard studio strength training, cluttered infinite racks graduated iron metal weights. Fixed bars boasting fifty-pound, hundred-pound, two-hundred-pound resistance. Level bench equipped scaffold allowing press, military press, bend-over rowing. Concrete constructed all floor and wall. Clang numerous iron weight striking floor. Clank weight impacting other weight.

  Grunting operative Bokara during heave weights. Grunt bellow misery such effort Otto. Gasp groan exertion operative Metro.

  Lain flat atop surface bench, arms operative me, abductor muscles this agent resistance training burdened numerous hundreds pounds oppression. Repeated lift-lower metal units subject massive pull gravity, clanking disks of cast iron mounted either end sturdy bar. Crushing so burdened.

  For official record, partnered during resistance training operative Magda. During bench press operative me, Magda stance astride face this agent, ready so to seize crushing bar burdened infinite weights at failure arms operative me. Regal crotch Magda looming above nose this agent, operative me rise, lower, rise, lower burdened metal bar, expanding pectoral muscle in noble service glorious state.

  Expand, contract chest of this agent, during Magda say, trumpet encourage, say, “Throw aside shackles, comrade.” Say, “No endure silly weasel.” Say, “Permit no oppression Western nations crushing citizen skull.”

  Bones operative me, muscles creak, joints pop. Tendon tremble under pain. Arms this agent heaving shivers, vibrate so ready fail. Rise burden. Lower burden. Breath trapped within rib cage. Face skin heated heavy blood glow.

  Magda say, hiss say, “Suffer, slave bitch.” Say, “Squirm under boot heel American domination!” Shout say, “Struggle so resist American control, weak puppet!”

  Operative Magda leaning own weight upon cast-iron plates skewered exercise bar, Magda say, “Suffer underfoot crushing pressure United State media, industry of degradation!” Pelvic floor of that agent settling so smother across nose operative me, Magda drive weight down to collapse sternum this agent, Magda shouting say, “Grinding gears Western colonial tyranny, masticating millstone imperialism…” Shout say, “Comrade!” Shout, “American hunger ravenous for macerate all global citizen!”