He walked off to the front entrance of the building to meet up with the other volunteers. I wanted to know how the rest of the interaction with Justin had unfolded because I wanted to know that everything was okay with him, but I did have to admit, like Father Sean suspected, my interest was mostly because I wanted to be sure that Maura was okay. I knew it was silly to be concerned for her, given how calm and collected her reaction had been. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to see her before I left.
I went inside the main building and saw the doorway to Maura’s office open with the light on. When I peered in, I saw her sitting by herself, typing away. I gently knocked on the door.
“Hey,” she said quietly. She smiled but looked exhausted. “How’d the rest of the afternoon go?”
“Fine.” I stepped inside but remained standing. “I just wanted to make sure everything was okay before I took off.” It would have been more honest to ask her if she, specifically, was okay.
She sighed. “Yes. It took some time, but Mr. Justin was able to calm down.” She rubbed her hands over her face, like she was trying to wake herself up. “And I was able to get more information about why he was so pissed at Eric. Once we track Eric down, or if we’re able to, we’ll make sure they meet with both Sydney and me before they come back to you, and they’ll fill out a safety contract,” she assured me.
This hadn’t really crossed my mind as a concern.
“Sorry you had to see him like that. We haven’t seen anything like that in a long time, but I guess it was just the perfect storm today,” she shared without giving away too much information.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t have been more helpful.”
“No, you were plenty helpful.” She motioned at the chair by her desk for me to sit down. “Trust me, there were about a thousand ways you could have made it worse.”
“So, you normally take on guys twice your size?”
She shook her head and laughed.
“I’m serious, someday I might need protection out there on the mean streets of Seattle,” I joked when what I really meant to tell her was that I was highly impressed by her ability to manage a situation like the one I had seen. Frankly, it would have terrified me if I had been in her shoes.
“Most of the time, a pissed-off person just needs to be told that you can tell they’re pissed off. And anyway, I’ve known Justin long enough to know he wasn’t going to do anything to me. I’m sorry I had to bail on you like that.”
I couldn’t believe after how emotionally drained I imagined she must be, she was apologizing to me. Naturally, I made light of it, because I didn’t know what else to do.
“Well, I don’t want to make you too jealous, but I did lead the group in a roaring game of ‘What’s Your Favorite?’ for the last twenty minutes.”
“What?” she exclaimed loudly, throwing her head back dramatically, but smiling. “I missed ‘What’s Your Favorite?’ Urgh! Now I’m officially upset.” She sighed and smiled at me, slightly disguising her exhaustion.
“So, are you almost done here, or are you going to have to stay late?” I pointed towards her monitor.
She briefly glanced at it, then back at me. “Yeah, he ended up sharing a lot of other stuff that has to be recorded and followed up on.” She looked back at her computer, silently taking inventory for a moment. “But no police report, so that’s a good thing...yay.” She turned back to me.
“Pollyanna strikes again,” I teased her. “Are you going to need dinner or something?”
“No, I’m good. I should be done in the next hour or so. I’ll have time to grab something from the fridge before mass. Why are you always trying to feed me?”
“I guess it’s my mother’s side in me coming out. We’re Italian; we perpetually want to feed people.”
“Does that mean if you’re half Irish, you perpetually want to drink too?”
“You know how it is, McCormick,” I retorted.
“After the day I’ve had, I can say I really do,” she joked and then paused, knowing she needed to get back to work in order to make it to mass on time.
“Well,” I started the goodbye so she wouldn’t have to kick me out, “I will let you get to your work and I will see you next week.” I stood up. “Have a good night.”
“You too,” she said before turning back to her computer to resume typing. I walked myself out. I wondered if going to mass and whatever she had with Ethan was enough to redeem her day. I hoped it was, but the cynic in me doubted it.
MAURA
I scarfed down a Cup of Noodles while I shut down my computer at six forty. I had already texted Ethan to tell him not to pick me up but instead meet me at the church. It seemed like the incident report I was filling out for Justin kept going on and on, given all the information he’d shared with me.
It turned out that his anger at Eric was just the tip of the iceberg. I had worked with Justin for over two years and he was currently in the reunification process with his mom, which we had all thought was going fine. Apparently not.
Justin confessed he hadn’t been staying with his mom because he didn’t like her drug-dealing boyfriend who had moved in. But he was still occasionally hanging out there.
Shit hit the fan the previous night when Justin went to his mom’s and was accused of stealing five thousand dollars’ worth of drugs. Justin wouldn’t go into detail, not even giving me the boyfriend’s name, because he knew I would’ve filed a police report on top of telling his CPS worker. He was terrified of the police from previous experiences. He told me his mom had taken the boyfriend’s side and kicked him out. Justin was convinced Eric was the one who had taken the drugs because of things Eric had said two nights earlier when he was with him at the apartment, hence the dramatic entrance into the garage that afternoon.
I’d lucked out that his CPS worker had been available when I called that afternoon and had driven over before Justin decided to run. We convinced him that going into emergency foster care was a safer option than the streets, given that the boyfriend was probably looking for him. It wasn’t a permanent solution, but it was enough for the moment.
I slipped into Mass just after the procession. Ethan had texted me where he was sitting before I got there. I would have liked to sit with just him, but of course he was sitting with a group of the young adults. I wanted to be at Mass after the day I’d had, knowing it would make me feel better, but the thought of going to Latona with everyone afterwards was not appealing. Then again, the alcohol might make it worthwhile, so in the end, I agreed.
Ethan suggested following me back to my apartment so I could drop off my car. That way we’d only have to find one parking spot by the bar and he could just take me home afterwards. I was a huge fan of this plan because it meant I could have more than one drink…oh, and Ethan was being chivalrous, too.
We got to the bar after everyone else.
Ethan started up a conversation with a couple of the other guys about how universal healthcare legislation was anti-Catholic. If it had been a different day, I might have challenged some of their points because a lot of them were propaganda and not fact-based, but I didn’t really have the energy that night. They probably wouldn’t have taken my points seriously anyway. As I was zoning out and appreciating my Hefeweizen, Sean pulled up a chair next to me.
“Hey, McCormick, how’s it going?” he called me out of my daze.
“Good,” I sighed, hoping he was just doing a standard greeting and would move on quickly.
“So, did everything end up okay for that kid?”
“Uh, yeah, everything’s fine,” I humored him with the easiest answer.
“What about you? You okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
It had been a rough day, but it wasn’t anything I hadn’t encountered before. I knew that despite the current setback, Justin could bounce back from it. That
was the peace that came from believing in resiliency.
“See, that’s what I told Thomas,” he said. “You’re a lot tougher than you look. You do look like you need a refill though,” he commented on my empty glass. “I’m heading up if you want to join me.”
He must have known I didn’t want to hear the conversation that was taking place next to me. I followed him to the bar and let him order for me, which could have been a mistake, since he handed me a Jameson and Ginger. I was surprised he had ordered liquor, but also that he remembered my go-to cocktail. I looked at him for an explanation.
“Some days warrant some whiskey at the end of them,” he clinked his pint glass to my highball.
I took a sip. It tasted like a double, but that could’ve been because I hadn’t had liquor in a long time.
“Thomas is doing an awesome job. Don’t you think?” he said.
“Yeah, it’s good you used your priest privilege to avoid working in the clothes closet with the lowly lay volunteers so you could sit and evaluate another volunteer’s work today.”
I took another sip.
“And here I thought I had successfully avoided getting crap from you,” he smiled.
I tried to not remember what it was like to kiss him, but it was always difficult when he smiled that way.
“Is it called ‘giving someone crap’ or is it called ‘holding someone accountable?’” I tilted my head at him.
“Touché.”
He turned to face me, leaning on the bar, propping himself up on his elbow.
“So, it’s like a real thing with Ethan now?” Sean nodded over at him before looking back at me.
He was trying to read me. When I was twenty this had been endearing; now it was annoying.
“Yes, we’re dating,” I answered, anticipating the conversation was going to have some sort of overprotective big brother feel to it.
“Is it serious?”
“Yeah.”
I reflected on how Ethan had told me he loved me for the first time five days ago. I’d responded by saying I loved him back. Maybe I wasn’t a hundred percent sure I did, but I was about eighty percent sure, so I rounded up. I mean, he was smart and thoughtful and – most importantly – a devout Catholic. I knew if I wasn’t completely in love with him now I would be eventually. To be fair, the only other relationships where I had said ‘I love you’ were my high school boyfriend and Sean, and I didn’t think either were the best comparison against which to measure.
My relationship with my high school boyfriend, Ian, was mostly based on comfort and friendship. And then with Sean, everything had been so emotionally charged: a stars-in-your-eyes, head-over-heels situation. With Ethan, everything was calculated, logical, and controlled. I was starting to resign myself to the idea that these were the hallmarks of a true adult relationship that would be the foundation for a good marriage. Passion faded. Respect and commitment were what really mattered. If I got too hung up on immature shit like waiting to have more butterflies in my stomach, Ethan might move on to the next willing woman, and there were several to choose from.
“What’s your favorite thing about him?” he asked, mimicking my get-to-know-you game.
“He’s not discerning the priesthood,” I retorted.
“You happy?”
I raised an eyebrow at Sean, wondering why he would ask me that.
“Yes, why?”
“Just making sure.”
He took a sip of his beer. I could tell by his tone that he didn’t believe me.
“You know, if I’d said half the things he’s been saying tonight about universal healthcare while we were dating, you would’ve been a lot more vocal than you’re being now. In fact, I think the term, ‘rip me a new one’ comes to mind.”
“So?” I remained nonchalant, despite knowing that what he said was true.
I wanted to declare that my passivity was only due to the overwhelming afternoon I had. But Sean’s observation reminded me of the barbecue Ethan and I had gone to the previous weekend. There had been a discussion, or rather a group rant, about public schools damaging the morality of all children, and the increased need for Catholics to homeschool or send their kids to Catholic school. I discovered that Ethan strongly believed this.
Being the product of public school, and the daughter of two public school teachers, I disagreed. It wasn’t that I was against Catholic schools or homeschooling, I just was supportive of public schools and didn’t necessarily see them as something a person needed to protect their children from. Normally, I wouldn’t let being the minority opinion stop me from voicing my perspective, but I stayed silent. If Ethan was really that passionate about his future children accessing a Catholic education, who was I to challenge that? I mean, if the relationship ended in marriage, compromises would have to be made. Thankfully, there was no way for Sean to know what had happened at the barbecue, so I felt I was safe in acting like I didn’t know what he was talking about.
“Just wondering if your opinions have changed or if you’ve changed.”
I gave him a questioning look.
“Either you agree with the stuff he and the other guys are saying, which I highly doubt, or you don’t talk about what you believe in anymore.”
“Or I’ve gotten older and I know a losing fight when I see one. It’s unfortunate I didn’t have that wisdom back then,” I said coolly.
“So you see your relationship with Ethan as a losing fight?” he asked in an equally cool manner.
“That’s not what – you’re putting words in my mouth,” I argued poorly. I might as well have just exclaimed ‘Nun-uh!’
He didn’t say anything, letting his point resonate.
“Look, I had a shitty day, so whatever point you have, just make it,” I said bluntly.
“Does Ethan know you had a shitty day?”
“Well, it’s not like I can tell him details.”
“Doesn’t matter. He should know just by looking at you, regardless of whatever joke or smile you throw out there. If the relationship is that serious, and he’s really put the effort into knowing you, he should know just by looking at you. He should know that the last thing you need is to be here right now with a bunch of people so clueless as to how comfortable their lives really are, debating issues without knowing how bad other people, kids in their own backyard, have it. And I’m just wondering why he doesn’t know that? I’m wondering what else he doesn’t know about you?”
“God, Sean, it’s only been a few months,” I underplayed how serious the relationship was. “I’m sorry if I haven’t told him everything about myself within the first three dates like I did with you when I was young and stupid.”
“After a while, I’m not going to be a valid excuse for being guarded. And you’re going to have to ask yourself why you’re not willing to be yourself around him.”
“Whatever, you don’t even know me anymore.” I rolled my eyes, starting to feel my cheeks get warm from the alcohol.
“When I saw you today at work, that’s the Maura I know: cracking jokes, being a smart-ass, and then immediately switching to a fearless, compassionate human being able to calm down a kid who would’ve had the police called on him if he had encountered anyone else. Your amount of empathy and how you are able to use it continually leaves me in awe. I feel like Ethan doesn’t know that side of you. When I see you with him, all I can think of is how you were at the end of our relationship. How being with me made you.”
“Oh, and how was I at the end?” I challenged, even though I knew. I still wanted to hear what he was finally taking responsibility for.
“Doubtful that God or anyone could love you simply for being who you are, rather than what you did or didn’t do.”
He paused. I didn’t say anything.
I still struggled with this concept, but I wasn’t sure what I could do to really fix it...jus
t one more thing to add to the list of things I needed to work on.
“The more I pulled away from you, the harder you tried to be religious; like if you said more rosaries, went to Mass more, went to adoration longer, it would make God love you more and then I would love you more.”
He looked over at the group.
“All of these young adults are constantly talking about how they want to marry someone who is the embodiment of holiness and challenges them to be holier. But a relationship shouldn’t be based on an obstacle course of religious practices and traditions.”
“Well, I’m sorry you have those concerns about the Blessed Sacrament Young Adult Group.” I took another drink. “But I don’t think it has anything to do with me or Ethan. And really, Sean, don’t you think that when you decided to become a priest, you forfeited the ability to talk about what makes a relationship successful?”
I should have walked back to the table. That would’ve been the perfect exit line. Unfortunately, he had hooked me and I stood there, waiting for his retort. I was confident it would be some sort of apology.
“You tell him the people you’ve voted for in the past?”
And this was why he had driven me crazy whenever we fought when we were dating. No matter how clever I thought I could be, he always had something smarter to say, and he always did it in a calm and collected way that irritated me even more. This instance was no exception. He’d brought up something he knew I always kept secret for fear of judgment from more conservative Catholics like Ethan. My expression gave me away. Once again, this would have been a good time to walk away. But I didn’t. I blame the whiskey.
“You don’t think I’m good enough for him, do you?” I blurted out the insecurity.
That thought had haunted me with every relationship since Sean. It didn’t help that a previous, bitchy roommate had told me that there were rumbles amongst the group that Sean would’ve chosen to marry me over becoming a priest if I’d been more devout and pious. But who was I kidding? I might as well have started that rumor myself because it was what I’d believed five years ago and part of me still believed it now.
Somewhere Unexpected Page 2
