Her Lone Star Cowboy

by Debra Clopton

  “We have a standoff,” he muttered at last.

  “Don’t we always?” Gabi snapped. “But we also have work to be done.”

  His mouth edged into a smile. “How about if you let me save you, as long as I know that you could have done it on your own. And you can save me when I need it. Like you’re doing with these toxic plants—on that front, I need you to save me and I’ll readily admit it.”

  She sighed. “Who could refuse an offer like that?”

  As exasperating as the man was, the butterflies in Gabi’s stomach seemed oblivious as his eyes lightened and met hers.

  “So,” Jess asked, gruffly, frowning. “Where do you want to start? The sooner we get this done, the better all around.”

  Gabi jerked herself away from where her thoughts were heading. This was business.

  Business.

  But goodness, Jess Holden had a way, even when he was grumpy and overbearing, of making her toes tingle.

  And that was just plain aggravating.

  * * *

  Waves of heat rose like invisible steam from underbrush banking the stream running through the woods. Jess blinked against the salty sting of sweat rolling into his eyes.

  Eyes he’d worked hard to keep off of Gabi all afternoon. How did she do it? The temperature hovered at one-hundred-and-five degrees, but despite the heat she was relentless in drawing an in-depth grid of his pastures and the plants they needed to harvest for the toxicology lab. Respect for Gabi slowly edged out his bad mood over the phone call from Rhonda, and even over Gabi’s habit of putting herself in harm’s way. He focused on solving his current problem versus the issues of his past.

  Gabi’s dedication had been amazing when it was just his cattle that were in danger. Now, with the threat of problems spreading across the county, she’d stepped it up even more. A seriousness flowed from her while she surveyed and sketched.

  Despite his struggle not to, watching Gabi helped take the edge off the emotions Rhonda’s call had brought up in him.

  Shelving old feelings like he’d always done and getting on with his life had been a promise he’d made to himself when he was a teenager. But today, something had happened when he’d heard Rhonda’s voice. Pushing the thoughts away once more, he strode to the edge of the stream. Normally the water was over the tops of his boots in this particular spot. Now, it wouldn’t cover the top of his instep if he walked into the center of the barely flowing water.

  There was no breeze today, making the air as thick and as shallow of oxygen as the stream was of water.

  Sweat beaded on Gabi’s brow and glistened off her burnished shoulders. The hair about her face curled damply and even her ponytail seemed to droop in the heat.

  Still, she worked.

  His gut tightened, and he tried not to let his thoughts get personal. Pulling a bottle of water from his backpack, he headed her way. Maybe it was the heat, because nothing seemed to help.

  “Gabi, drink this,” he urged, determined to take care of her. Knowing they’d be out in this heat today, he’d prepared an ice cooler of water and had it ready in the truck before she’d arrived. She worked for him and he felt responsible—whether she wanted him to or not. “I don’t want you getting overheated like you did the other day.”

  She finished drawing then poked her pencil behind her ear before placing the notebook under her elbow. Taking the bottle from him, her eyes met his.

  Was it his imagination or did she carefully avoid his touch as she took the water? The idea that she was just as aware of what happened when they touched had his adrenaline running the high line. Caution lights flashed in his head and he knew, if he wasn’t careful, something told him he might hit the wall on this one.

  He needed to focus on the reason his cattle were dying. Not on the beautiful vet assistant. Maybe it was the heat making him feel so reckless. One minute he was standing there telling himself to hit the brakes and the next, he lifted his hand and gently touched her temple.

  Gabi froze—which he wasn’t sure was any better than if she’d stepped away from him. But that didn’t stop him.

  “Have I told you how much I appreciate all the work you’ve been doing?”

  “Yes. You have.” She said the words carefully. “But there isn’t any need. I’m happy to do it.”

  What was it he was seeing in her eyes? He knew she was as attracted to him as he was to her. He stepped closer, drawn to her. He let his finger slide down to her chin, tilting it up. He was giving her the opportunity to move away, if he was misreading the signs. His heart thundered—Dale Earnhardt Jr. had nothing on him. What was it about Gabi that did this to him?

  His gaze dropped to her lips and his gut clenched.

  “Jess,” Gabi breathed his name, her heart pounding from the way he was looking at her. She told herself not to get too excited. Jess was a beautiful man, handsome beyond belief with a personality that rode roughshod over any man she’d ever met. She should feel flattered that he was thinking about kissing her…and there was no doubt in her mind that he was.

  Guilt, sharp as the thorn that had impaled his finger the week before, stabbed her. She knew his history and knew there was no future here. She’d done something horrible, and she knew when Jess learned her secret, his opinion of her would change.

  She backed away from him, squeezing the water bottle he’d given her to her chest like a shield between them. “I need to tell you something.”

  She did not want to tell Jess what she’d done. The very idea had her stomach tied in knots, but it was the right thing to do. This thing between them had gone way too far.

  She wouldn’t deceive him when she knew in her heart how differently he would feel about her once he knew the truth.

  The heat sucked her in, and the forest shifted about her. Shadows deepened, and the swirl of colors spun in her head as worry danced with the heat sucking her energy and will. She’d wanted Jess to like her—the knowledge shook her. But she couldn’t mislead him.

  She couldn’t.

  She had more integrity than that. So it was confession time.

  “Did you know I was engaged up until a month ago?”

  His teal blue eyes watched her beneath brows etched with…concern? Disbelief?

  “I knew. What had happened?”

  “Phillip broke it off. I know now, it was the best thing.” She frowned, realizing again how very true that was. “But what I need to tell you is that I…” She paused, not letting herself back down. “Jess there’s no other way to say this except that I got drunk at a party one night, got in my car and had a terrible wreck.”

  His jaw had tensed and his expression hardened. She knew he was probably thinking the worst of her.

  “I ended up in the emergency room with basically minor injuries, especially considering that my car was so destroyed that I shouldn’t have walked away alive.”

  “Was anyone else injured?” His words were quiet, echoing in the stillness of the woods.

  Gabi shook her head. “No. But only by God’s grace,” she admitted. “There was a car full of teenagers who managed to swerve and miss me. I hit a concrete wall head-on instead.”

  “Thank God.”

  “Yes. It was God. That’s all it could be. He had his hand on everyone and protected us all.” Tears threatened and she blinked them away, remembering her blessing in all of this.

  “Jess. Sometimes the most horrible thing in your life can turn out to be the best thing. A beautiful thing, even. And that’s the way it was for me.”

  “How is that?” Distance had crept into the mix like an unwelcome third wheel.

  She took a deep breath. “The thing is, my being drunk was a common occurrence. My life had become one party after the other. Phillip was a musician, and I was just absorbed
into his lifestyle.”

  Jess crossed his arms, jaw still tensed. Gabi’s heart fluttered at the picture of him closing a door between them.

  She knew it was about to get worse. “When you talked about your dad, I got sick thinking that if I hadn’t had my eyes opened I…I could have become an alcoholic too.” Her voice faded and guilt churned in her stomach.

  “You sound certain about that. How so?” Distaste rang in his question like a slap to her face.

  Gabi licked her lips searching for moisture. “Because, I liked it too much. They say that all it takes is one drink and some people are hooked.” Her hands shook, the water bottle trembled so she dropped her hand to her side and tried to hide it. “That was me. I wasn’t hooked,” she denied. “But well on my way to being out of control.

  “Once I started drinking, I didn’t slow down. My mom worried about me all the time. She didn’t tell Gram that she suspected that I was in trouble until a few months ago. She was at her wit’s end and needed Gram to pray for me.”

  Gabi’d wanted to keep this in her past, but once she’d started talking it was just pouring out. And to Jess, who of all people had the most reason of anyone to look down at her.

  “So what happened?” He walked a few feet away, distancing himself.

  Gabi took a long breath, feeling unexplainable sadness at the look in his eyes. “A nurse at the hospital got real with me. She’d lost her son to a drunk driver and she made me aware of how devastated she was and how close I came to wiping out a car full of teenagers. She called me to the mat on it. Hard. Told me about how it felt to lose a son and how it still hurt and always would. Judy told me she worked E.R. just so she could talk to people like me. That it was her purpose now to share God with me and others like me.” Gabi stood and paced, feeling those words to the depth of her soul. “Like me. That was a tough one. I didn’t want to be ‘like me’ in that moment. I was so sick to my stomach over what I’d nearly done. I will never forget the clarity of shame I felt in that moment of realization.” The look of disgust edging into Jess’s eyes had her stomach roiling even as the guilt ate at her.

  “Thinking that I could have killed someone makes me ill, even now. I heard Judy loud and clear and opened my eyes. And changed my ways. I thank God every day for sparing those kids.”

  “He spared you, too.” His words surprised her.

  “Yes, but that’s secondary. I’ll never forget the look on Judy’s face, when she spoke about losing her son.” Gabi wrapped her arms across her body as an icy shiver raced through her. “When you talked about your dad, I had this horrible thought that I could have married Phillip, had children, and you could have been my son one day talking about me.”

  Jess tugged at his ear, studied his boots before finally hitting her with frank eyes. “I’m glad you made the right choice. There are too many parents making the wrong choices these days. You can bet that if I ever do decide to marry and have kids, like Luke wants me to do, there won’t be any chance at all that my kids will ever have to deal with an alcoholic.”

  His adamant declaration hung between them like a warning sign. His passion gave her no doubt that what he said was true. The heat of the day had nothing on the heat of emotion radiating from him.

  Gabi was relieved. But he’d said if…if I marry and have kids like Luke wants me to. Gabi was saddened by that. Had Jess’s childhood scarred him deep enough that he wasn’t considering marriage and children at all?

  The idea hit her so wrong that she couldn’t bring herself to ask more…the man had said it all, hadn’t he?

  “So, what about these plants?” His sudden change of subject was like a dead bolt slamming shut on the door he’d just closed between them.

  She squared her shoulders, despite her damaged pride. She’d done this to herself, and now these were the consequences for her actions. God didn’t say all things were good. He said He could make good come from bad situations. But what good could come from this?

  “You’re right,” she said, glad when her voice sounded halfway normal. “We have work to do and solutions to find.”

  Jess nodded, strode to the woods and began studying the underbrush.

  Gabi watched with a heavy heart.

  What good, Lord, can come from this?

  Chapter Twelve

  “Have you asked her out yet?”

  Jess propped his boot on the lower rung of Murdock’s stall, hung his elbows on a mid-rung and studied the horse that was winning its way to becoming a national champion in women’s barrel racing. Jess had tossed and turned all night. He’d finally climbed out of bed at daybreak and ridden across the pastures thinking about Gabi…and his past. He’d ended up here, at Luke’s, and found him tending to Murdock before going inside to get ready for church.

  Luke had taken one look at Jess and asked his question.

  Hiding his interest in Gabi from his brother was obviously not happening. But did it matter? He’d come here for advice.

  “No, I haven’t.”

  Luke hung his elbows on the rung beside him, questions in his eyes as he stared at him. “Jess, man, what are you waiting on? You look like you haven’t slept all night. What’s up?”

  “She has a history with drinking, Luke.”

  The words hung in the barn like the tainted memories of their past. He didn’t need to say more.

  “I see,” Luke grimaced, understanding without words what that meant to Jess. Silently they both studied the horse. Seconds ticked into minutes as Murdock quietly chewed on his hay, totally at ease with being studied.

  “You said, a history. Does she have a problem with it?”

  “From what she says, she gave it up when she had a near-fatal car wreck. A nurse helped her see how lucky she was not to have killed herself or the carload of kids she ran off the road. She accepted the Lord that night and turned over a new leaf.”

  “But you don’t believe her.”

  “It’s not that I don’t believe her. It’s, well, you know the old song and dance. How many times did we hear that from our dad. I’m giving up the alcohol, he’d say, slurring words because never did he say them when he was sober. Only when he was totally wasted—crying-in-his-beer-feel-sorry-for-me wasted.” Jess’s grip tightened on the rail, his stomach rolling with lost hope. “There was never any chance that he would really do it,” he finished in disgust. But as a kid it had been pain he’d felt. Pain and loss.

  “You can’t judge everyone by him, Jess.”

  “No, I shouldn’t. But when it comes to my personal life choices, you bet I can. And I do. And I will.”

  Luke raked a hand through his dark, wavy hair which was similar to Jess’s. They’d inherited their hair and looks from their dad. Colt had sandy-brown hair, more like their mother’s. Luke and Colt had also inherited their mother’s brown eyes. Jess didn’t even have that reprieve when he looked in the mirror. Every day he saw his dad’s face and his dad’s ocean-blue eyes staring back at him. It was a reminder to Jess of the man he never wanted to be—ever.

  And that meant Jess made choices all the time to avoid reminders of his dad’s life choices. “You know I don’t drink, never touched the stuff and never date anyone who does. I’m certainly not going to date someone who just told me she had a problem with it.”

  “She told you that? Just came out and said she did?”

  He shot Luke a disbelieving glare. “She almost killed herself and a load of kids she was so drunk. Yes, she said the words.”

  Luke stared at his boots for a minute. When he finally looked up there was regret in his eyes. “That’s too bad, Jess. I understand how you feel. I hate it, but I understand.” He straightened and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I want to tell you to let God lead you. To let go of the past—but I know how hard that is for you. I can tell you
that God can work all things out. I’ve seen it over and over and over. And if you’ll just trust Him, give this over to Him, He’ll show you the way.”

  Jess straightened, suddenly feeling as if his emotions were filleted open, raw and bare. “On this issue, I don’t need to be shown the way.”

  Disappointment clung to Luke like the worrisome buffalo gnats hovering about them. “I get where you’re at, but Gabi isn’t Dad. I don’t think you need to judge her by his mistakes. I heard y’all hit it off for a while there at the fair.”

  “Luke, I’ve never told you this because I didn’t want to disappoint you after all you did for me and Colt growing up. This ranch, this dream you have for it to be a legacy…I’m here with you. But as for me falling in love and living happily ever after like you’re trying to do—”

  “I know, you told me you weren’t the commitment type. But maybe, you are and just don’t know it.”

  Luke, ever positive, was trying hard. Jess shook his head. “It’s more than that, Luke. I’m not sure I even believe in love. Not for me anyway.” Frustration, disappointment, disbelief—yeah, disbelief was the strongest emotion Jess read in Luke’s expression.

  “I’m not attempting a happily ever after, Jess. I’m living it. And you can, too.”

  “No, I can’t. I don’t think I’m capable of trusting my future to someone else.”

  Luke’s expression turned doubtful. “I’m not following you.”

  “Falling in love with someone would mean I trust them with my happiness. And I don’t trust that to anyone anymore but me.”

  It was the hard-learned truth.

  “You don’t know what you’re missing. Look, I need to get inside and clean up. Montana is going to think I don’t want to go to church with her.” He grinned, surprising Jess. “You keep thinking that way and I can promise you you’ll miss out on the best thing that could ever happen to you. I don’t know what I ever did without Montana. Why don’t you come to chur—”

  Jess stopped Luke before he could ask. “I’m heading home. I’ve got a load of cattle to pick up all the way over in Centerville around two, then transport back up this way.”