Abruptly, Jess pushed away from the truck and strode to the edge of the hill. “I’m not afraid of being like my parents, Gabi,” he whispered gruffly.
He leaned back his head so he was looking straight up at the sky before turning toward her. “Don’t you get it? I’m afraid the woman I marry will be…that she’ll run out on me.” He turned away from her again, staring at the lake.
In the darkness a hoot owl let out an eerie call that sent a chill down Gabi’s spine. She took a deep breath and closed the distance between them. She lifted her hand and let it hover near his back, uncertain if she should touch him but unable to help herself. Finally, she placed her hand between his shoulder blades. The tension was undeniable, even worse at her touch.
“Why are you doing this?” Jess asked, quietly.
“I understand that fear in a way,” Gabi said just as softly. “But sometimes you have to fight the fear by ignoring it.” She was trying her hardest to do that herself, she almost said, but couldn’t make the words come out. He turned to look down at her. They were so close and Gabi fought against the urge to wrap her arms around him.
“I can’t risk it. It wouldn’t be fair to the kids.”
Gabi’s heart pounded, her palms were sweating and she could sure use a whack in the head for how much she wanted to kiss Jess Holden and tell him that there were women out there who would never think of leaving. She topped the list.
His eyes, oh so beautiful and expressive, searched hers. “Kids need security. They need love. I’m an adult now and I got over it. Thankfully I had Luke and Colt. But some don’t have that.”
He hadn’t gotten over it and Gabi knew it. “There is one major element you are missing in this equation, Jess. Your children would have you if for some fluke of a reason your wife walked out on you—which I have to say, frankly, would make her the stupidest woman in the world.”
The corner of his mouth hitched at that, sending an electrical shock through her. “A little rough there, don’t you think?”
“I’ll ask God to forgive me. I get a little excitable sometimes. But really, Jess, you know what I mean. You are a great guy, an honorable guy. You came to my rescue twice. You are a hero to strangers. You would be that and more to your family.”
“I don’t know—”
“Don’t you even dare! Without a doubt I know you would give that sort of devotion to someone you loved and were responsible for. No doubt about it. Someone would be less than smart if they walked away from you,” she finished, daring him to deny it.
Moments ticked by and the tension straining between them hummed in the night.
“Thanks,” he said, finally.
“No thanks needed, it’s a fact,” she snapped, frustrated by her emotions.
He reached and gently brushed a stray hair out of her eyes, his fingers lingering at her temple, reminding her of that day in the woods. “Your fiancé was a fool for walking away from you.”
Gabi’s heart ground to a halt like a fifty-car train crashing into a concrete wall. She hadn’t forgotten as she was giving her impassioned speech that the man who was supposed to have loved her had walked away without a backward glance.
Jess looked tenderly at her. “I hope it didn’t hurt you too deeply. You’ll move on to better things.”
Suddenly her voice wouldn’t come. “Thanks,” she managed at last. “For me it was right. God delivered me from the mistake of my life when Phillip walked away. There is no sadness, at least not anymore. Other than regret that I couldn’t see how unhealthy my lifestyle was. Or that I was not living in the will of God like that.”
“I’m glad you’re okay.”
“I am so happy and relieved that I’m where I am today.” A twinge of guilt plagued her but her insides were quaking from his nearness and the fact that his hand had trailed from her temple to rest on her shoulder. Its warmth radiated through her. Her gaze drifted to his lips. And any guilt she felt about not opening up more to Jess was overshadowed by this moment.
“That still doesn’t change the fact that this guy was a fool.” Jess stepped closer—her heart pounded faster. His gaze searched hers as she tore her eyes away from his lips.
You don’t want this. The voice inside Gabi’s head spoke softly even as she closed her eyes and her heart raced. She hadn’t come here tonight to fall for Jess. She’d come here to let God lead her. To help her help him.
Just like in the woods the week before, she couldn’t do it. Couldn’t let this happen.
“Hang on,” she gasped, and stepped back, her mind reeling. She held up a hand and fought for a voice. “Hold on. This is not part of my game plan.”
* * *
Not part of her game plan? That’s what she’d said before she’d practically broken her neck getting away from him.
Jess had lost his mind. He’d almost kissed Gabi when he knew there was no way he wanted to get involved with her. Then she’d gone and said she wasn’t interested in getting involved with him. What had he been thinking?
This wasn’t the way this evening should have gone. Romance wasn’t on either one of their radars and yet the magnetic pull of attraction was as visible as a white horse in the middle of a group of bays.
About halfway to her house, she said, “I like you, Jess. It’s nothing against you. I just can’t get involved with you. Trust me on that.”
He laughed. The woman never ceased to surprise him.
“For years I’ve been running from the Lord. And now that I’ve found Him, I feel like I’m catching up. I have so much to do, to learn. I almost made a huge mistake when I planned to marry Phillip. He dumped me as soon as I’d changed my life. But if he hadn’t, I had already decided before I told him that I was going to cut my ties and run.” She grimaced. “That sounds terrible doesn’t it?”
He pulled into town. Everything was locked up tight this late at night. Main Street glowed in the moonlight, leading a lighted path to the small house where Gabi lived beside the huge old family home Adela had turned into a small apartment house.
“You weren’t married yet. That’s the time to cut your ties and run. Especially before kids were involved. And if your faith beliefs were a problem that’s a big one.” He pulled up behind her small car and turned off the ignition. He wasn’t ready to drop her off and leave. Not yet.
“What about your faith, Jess? Have you trusted the Lord with your life? You said you’re a Christian, but from all accounts you hardly go to church.”
“You don’t have to go to church to believe.”
“True. But you and I both know there’s more there than that.”
How did she know so much? It was almost like she could read his thoughts. “I’ve got a few issues.”
“Also stemming from your past?”
He cocked his head and met her unwavering gaze. “You don’t give up, do you?”
She smiled. “I’m paying you back for being bossy to me a few times.”
He chuckled despite the serious conversation.
“So is it?”
“Maybe, Gabi. Yes. But it’s not something I’m willing to talk about. That’s between me and God.”
She opened her door and stepped down from the truck. “Then I’ll pray for you. At least I can do that.”
He followed her to her door. The night was finally coming to an end and it was almost impossible for him to want to walk away. He liked her open honesty. Her ability to see past him—hard as it was at times, he liked seeing how she thought.
At the door, under the shadow of the porch, with the scent of the jasmine bush that grew at the end of Adela’s porch behind the swing, she looked up at him. “It was a great night.”
Jess rammed his hands into his pockets of his jeans fighting the need to reach for her. “It was.”
* * *
One step at a time, slow and easy, Jess moved toward Gabi. His eyes boring into hers in a completely unnerving way.
“This is crazy,” she whispered.
His eyes mellowed. “Yeah, it is,” he said, even as he slid his hand to cup the back of her neck and gently tugged her toward him.
Gabi’s heart floated. His eyes searched hers, darkened and this time she had no will to stop him. Her internal war ceased the instant his lips met hers.
All she thought about was being in Jess’s arms. This was nothing like she’d ever experienced before. It was as if she could feel her heart in the kiss… .
“Gabi,” he whispered, pulling away. “I’ve tried my hardest not to do that, but it’s impossible. I can’t get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.”
He’d tried not to think about her? “Those are words to make a girl’s heart go pitter-patter,” she said, pulling away and forcing a smile.
“I didn’t mean it that way.” He looked stunned in the porch light.
“I know what you meant, Jess.” She moved away from him, feeling like she needed to run from him and get as far away as possible or risk losing her heart. “I know how you feel about a serious relationship. And about my past. That’s why I’m confused here. I’m trying to look at reality here. What do you want with me?”
“I…” he stuttered, apparently at a loss for words.
Gabi forced another smile, though it felt pinched. She had the weirdest pain in her heart. “I shouldn’t have let you kiss me, Jess,” she said, feeling overwhelmingly sad. “We’re good as friends. Let’s keep it that way. Okay?” It took everything she had to say the words. Friends did not kiss the way that they had. She’d never had the overwhelming compulsion to throw herself into any other friend’s arms. But friends were exactly where this was going to stay.
Jess closed his eyes, leaned back his head and took a deep breath. His hair curled against his collar and brushed the middle of his ear, begging for her to trace her fingers through it. Begging her to smooth away the sudden strain that was etched in his forehead beneath the shadow of his hat.
“I guess I set myself up for this.” His voice was full of regret. “But you’re right. This thing between us is…”
“Complicated,” she finished for him.
His lip lifted on the right side. “Yeah, complicated.”
They stared at each other for a long moment. Gabi wondered if he was thinking about the kiss the way she was.
Because she was still thinking about it.
Still wanting more.
And still as certain as ever that she needed to keep a firm line drawn between them. And hope that he would honor that, too.
“Good night, Jess,” she said, and walked inside, shutting the door firmly between them. If she was smart she’d keep it that way.
And she would not think about the way his kiss had made her feel.
Chapter Fifteen
Jess’s boots echoed through his house as he entered, slamming the door behind him harder than what he’d meant to do. The wall rattled and he got an instant flashback of his father coming home angry and drunk.
Jess never lost his temper. Halting in the small living room, he carefully set his hat on the wall hook then raked his hands through his hair. Gabi Newberry was making him think about things he didn’t want to think about. Things he didn’t want to want. Family. Kids. He felt a headache coming on and he never had them.
The phone rang, reminding him that Colt was supposed to be coming home tonight.
Jess immediately glanced at his watch. It was ten-thirty and according to Colt it was going to be midnight before he made it in. Maybe he was tired and needed someone to help keep him awake. Reaching for the phone Jess thought it was perfect timing because talking would not be a problem tonight. He had a lot to get off his chest.
“Hey, buddy, I’m glad you called,” he said.
“Is this Jess Holden?”
Jess went still at the sound of the man’s voice on the other end of the line. A bad feeling swept over him. “Yes, this is Jess.”
“Sir, this is State Trooper Trident with the Texas Department of Public Safety. Are you the brother of Mr. Colt Holden?”
* * *
Jess and Luke walked into the Kerrville emergency room. Luke’s expression was grim and Jess knew his matched his older brother’s. The officer had informed him that Colt was okay but that he’d had a head-on collision with a man who’d been drinking. The collision had knocked Colt’s truck into another car—a family of four. Everyone except Colt was dead.
Jess and Luke had barely been able to talk the hundred-mile drive from Mule Hollow to Kerrville. The officer had told them that Colt hadn’t been to blame, that the drunk went across the line and hit him. Jess and Luke both knew that wouldn’t matter when it came to their little brother knowing he’d wiped out an entire family.
It was too terrible to take in. A family…dead.
The thought made Jess ill. He couldn’t imagine how Colt felt. And Luke, ever their protector, looked as bad as Jess. Grim and shaken, all they could think about was getting to Colt.
The hospital was pretty quiet when they walked in and a nurse told them Colt’s room number.
Luke led the way down what seemed like an endless hallway. Their boots clicked in unison along the glossy floor.
“He’s going to be in bad shape,” Luke said, repeating what they already knew.
“Yeah,” was all Jess could say. It struck him that the whole way down the hallway he’d been praying. This was his little brother. He was twenty-eight-years-old, with the world at his fingertips, and in the blink of an eye everything had changed.
The doctor had said there was barely a scratch on him other than a cut on his forehead, a bruised chin and chest from the steering wheel and seat belt. But the outer scars didn’t matter. Luke and Jess knew as they entered Colt’s room that their baby brother’s life was never, ever going to be the same.
They all knew how deeply internal scars went. Jess’s felt as if they cut all the way through from one side to the other and yet, he couldn’t imagine the guilt, pain and utter sorrow that must be going through Colt’s head and heart right now.
Luke tapped on the wide wooden door. There was no answer. The television played low in the background, not loud enough to drown out the knock on the door though.
Looking at each other, Jess and Luke silently agreed, and then entered the dimly lit room.
Colt was sitting in a chair. He was staring straight ahead, not up at the TV hanging on the wall, not out the window. But at the wall.
And he didn’t acknowledge them when they walked in.
“Colt, hey, buddy,” Jess said, forcing his voice to be strong, not to crack. The last thing Colt needed right now was his big brothers falling apart on him. But looking at the pale, hollow expression on Colt’s face ripped Jess to shreds.
“We’re here now,” Luke said, placing his hand on Colt’s shoulder.
As if suddenly realizing they were there, his eyes shifted and focused. “Hey, guys.”
His voice was flat, no inflection at all. And though his eyes had focused on them, there was no emotion in their depths. Luke’s concerned gaze flickered to Jess then back to Colt. It was obvious he was either drugged or in shock. Since the nurse had told them that he’d been given a low dose of sedative in his IV to help him cope, Jess wanted to say what they were seeing was all medication. But he knew it wasn’t.
“How are you, buddy?” he asked, though it was apparent Colt wasn’t okay.
Colt’s gaze moved over to the television and he watched it for a minute, totally expre
ssionless. “I killed that family,” he said, his voice as dead as the family who would forever haunt him.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Luke and Jess said almost in unison. They both knew that didn’t matter—people were dead.
He looked blankly from Luke to Jess. “Get me out of here,” he said, flatly. “I want to go home.”
* * *
The morning after she’d let Jess kiss her—which she knew in her heart was wrong, given her past—she needed coffee. Some of Sam’s strong, caustic java. And she needed it desperately.
“He’s bad off and gonna need time to get over this,” App’s loud voice carried across the diner as Gabi entered. Sitting at their usual spot at the front window table, App and Stanley weren’t hunched over their checker game as usual. Instead, they were talking, and it appeared every cowboy in the joint was tuned into what they were saying.
“It shor is a shame fer him and that family,” Stanley said, looking really sad.
“And the drunk, too,” Sam grunted, pausing at the checker table, coffeepot in his hand, he shook his head. Men from all the tables nodded agreement, looked sad then went back to eating with solemn expressions on their faces.
“Hey, Gabi,” Sam said. There was no missing the grim set of his lips.
“What’s up, Sam?” Gabi asked, concerned. “Did something happen? Y’all look really tore up.”
“It’s turable. Jest turable,” App muttered.
“What?” They were frightening Gabi.
“Colt Holden had an awful wreck last night,” Sam told her, shaking his head.
Gabi’s heart lurched. “No!”
“He’s alive,” Stanley offered. “But I know that boy, and this is gonna tear him apart.”
Gabi’s thoughts flew instantly to Jess. “What happened? How bad was it?”
Her Lone Star Cowboy Page 13
