The Fatal Gift

by Alec Waugh

  ‘She roared with laughter.

  ‘“Do you know,” I told her, “that this is the very first time I’ve had a virgin.”

  ‘“Isn’t that wonderful. So it’s the same for both of us. How wise I was to wait.”

  ‘“To wait?”

  ‘“Till I found someone I could really go for. I knew I must sooner or later, but I did want the first time to be very special. I’d marked you down. If only it could be somebody like him,” I thought. “If only it could be him.”

  ‘“Someone as old as me?”

  ‘“Age doesn’t matter. You’re so good-looking. And with such style. If only it could be you, I’d think. When you came into the room tonight, I willed you to look at me. That’s why I danced the way I did. Now that I’ve got you, I won’t lose you. I’ll put gri-gri on you.”

  ‘“I shouldn’t mind if you did,” I said.

  ‘She laughed. “It won’t be for you to decide,” she said. She was chuckling to herself. I had never seen anyone so happy. I’m not going to let this go, I thought.

  ‘Next day I made enquiries about her. She came of a good family. Her father, who had died a few years back, was some kind of a contractor in the import-export business. She had three brothers and four sisters. I heard nothing but good accounts of them. I went to see her mother. That’s the way to do things here. You don’t need telling that West Indian society is matriarchal. If the mother’s content so’s everyone. Her mother was easily appeased. There was a piece of property she needed. I saw she got it. I took a small house for the girl—let’s call her Jannek. I didn’t want to have her installed in Overdale. Occasional evenings and weekends, but not a permanency. She’d be happier in Roseau, too, where she could see her friends: be on her own. I arranged for a cousin of hers to live with her, a considerably older woman, to keep an eye on her, to look after her. Jannek was going to the convent school. I wanted her to keep that up. I wanted the thing with her to last as long as possible, but there was a limit set; the disparity of age, my age. I wanted to make her feel secure.

  ‘It all worked out wonderfully well. I suppose everyone on the island knew what was going on, but no one minded. Appearances were maintained, and that’s all that matters in a British community. I’ve never been happier. I was in love, which I’d never expected to be again, at my age. I’m not surprised that you should have thought I looked well and young. That’s how I felt; at the same time the situation was complicated by that offer from the Colonial Office. Her Majesty’s representative has to be above suspicion. He could not maintain an obscure subject in “guilty splendour”. If I accepted the Foreign Office offer, I should have to give up Jannek. But that was the last thing I wanted: for her sake or for mine. If I was to go on with Jannek, then I would have to marry her.

  ‘It was the first time that I had thought of marrying her. It was for that matter the first time that I had ever thought of marrying anyone. I had accepted marriage with Eileen, when it was inevitable, but I had never wanted it. With Jannek it was different. I wanted her. I did not want to lose her. If that was what I wanted, then I must marry her. There was no alternative. I was as delighted as I was surprised to realise this. I had never felt so excited about anything. I recognised at once all its advantages, for me, for Jannek and for Dominica. How thrilled Jannek would be. It would have been false modesty on my part not to have realised that. How proud she would be. How proud Dominica would be, at my marrying one of them. How much more effectively, because of that marriage, I should handle my post as Administrator. The Foreign Office had first thought of me as an Administrator because my son had married a Nigerian, and because I had honoured that marriage with a party at the House of Lords. By doing so,, in the public eye I had identified myself with the new idea, with the principle of race equality. They had felt that on that account I was the right man to shepherd the island during the difficult transition from Colonial subservience to Commonwealth independence. How much further I should have identified myself with the new idea, by marrying a Dominican. I should have proved myself to be one of them. I was so excited by the prospect that I could not wait to tell Jannek. I did not want to write to her. I wanted to see the expression on her face when I told her. How those big eyes would open. I must get back right away.

  ‘I didn’t let her know that I was coming. I did not let anybody know. I wanted the surprise to be complete. I had been expected to stay in London for at least another fortnight. This truant, this secret return added its special spice to the adventure. Old though I was, and, as you know, there’ve been quite a few women in my life, I have never had such an intense excitement at the prospect of coming home to someone. I was too excited to sleep on the plane.

  ‘I arrived at Dominica in the late afternoon. The perfect time. I would stop off at Overdale: shower and shave and change and then drive into Roseau. I should be there by nine. She would have had her evening meal. She would be listening to the radio, probably on the verandah. Perhaps with that cousin of hers. Should I ask the cousin to go away, to leave us together? No, that would be too contrived. Better play it casually: be off hand, say something like “I’ve just got an idea, why shouldn’t we get married.” The drama of the undramatic. That was the note to strike. How often we could relive that scene during our years together.

  ‘Never have I felt such tense anticipation as I turned my car into the road that runs towards the club. I could see the roof of her house. I parked several yards away. I did not want her to hear the sound of a car drawing up. There were lights on in the house, but no one was on the verandah. I could hear the sound of music, soft muted music, the radio was turned low. Three steps led up to the verandah. I was wearing rubber shoes: the music came from the sitting room. What a surprise I’d cause. I pushed the door open carefully, and then . ..

  ‘Jannek had her back to me. She was kneeling on the floor. Her cousin was lolling back among the cushions of a low wicker chair. She was a large, stoutly-built, not unhandsome woman. She was wearing unbuttoned a thin silk housecoat. Her bare legs, widespread, were rested on the arms of the chair; it was between her legs that Jannek knelt. The cousin’s hands were in her hair. They were pushing her head down. They were pulling her head forward. Jannek was completely naked. She was like a priestess worshipping before a shrine. The cousin’s eyes met mine above her head. There was in them an expression of gloating greed, of sensual obscene delight. I have never experienced such horror—it was, well, you know as I do that to a great many normal men the idea of two women together is far from unattractive. You’ve written a novel about that, after all … You made it pretty, graceful, a minuet in porcelain, but this, this was completely different. It wasn’t jealousy, no, no, not that. It was the look on the cousin’s face, with all that it implied; its air of challenge, and its air of triumph; its assumption of complicity: as though she were saying “Were in this together”. The spirit of evil was incarnate there. Then she closed her eyes in voluptuous surrender. I turned away. I left the room. Jannek had no idea that I had been there.

  ‘Next morning the cousin drove out to Overdale. She came alone. She was wearing tight-fitting dark blue pants, and a white silk, short-sleeved jacket. She was much darker than Jannek: her hair was crinkled and she wore it short. She looked “butch” all right, but she was not without her fascination. She was not fat but she was firmly built. Her manner was slightly regal. It was the first time I had really looked at her. I asked her what she would like to drink. She asked if I had a jelly nut. I had.

  ‘“A glass of that.”

  ‘She sat down facing me. She was completely composed. “I’m glad this has happened,” she said. “I wanted to talk to you about it. But I did not know how to start. It was easier to let things drift. But you had to know sooner or later. Better sooner, and in this way. You will want to know how all this began, when it all began. That’s an easy question. From the very start. When the war started, I was in England. I was just fourteen. My parents had come over for the summer, so that my father
could see the West Indian cricketers. He liked it there. He decided to stay on. He sent me to a boarding school. You can guess what that did to me. It taught me about myself. It taught me what I wanted and how to get what I wanted. In the last year of the war I joined the ATS. That taught me even more. I liked England. I decided to stay on. I’d have stayed on for ever if there hadn’t been a scandal. But there was. I was warned to leave, to come back to Dominica. That’s when I first saw Jannek. She was barely ten. I knew at once that she was what I wanted. I only had to wait. I made friends with her mother: I helped her mother in the house. I helped her with her work and in her office. I made Jannek my special care. I endeared myself to her. That wasn’t difficult. I led her slowly, oh but so very slowly, in the way I wanted. She did not know what was happening. We used to bathe together in the streams. I dried her afterwards. ‘You like being dried, don’t you ?’ I would say. She would nod her head. ‘And I like drying you,’ I’d say. ‘Wouldn’t you like to dry me too ?’ That’s how it began. First with drying, then with massages. ‘Today,’ I’d say, ‘I’m going to give you a very special massage.’ Afterwards I’d say, ‘Didn’t you like my special massage?’ ‘Oh yes, oh yes,’ she’d say. ‘Then don’t you think it would be nice if you gave me a massage?

  ‘“The massages became more elaborate. One day I said ‘Wouldn’t you like to give me pleasure in the same way that I give you? You may not like it at first,’ I said, ‘but you’ll soon learn. I love giving you pleasure. You’ll soon love giving it to me.’

  ‘“I made everything seem natural. We couldn’t have been happier. It never occurred to her that what she was doing with me could not be right. I protected her from the young boys who were in wait for her. ‘You don’t want them when you’ve got me,’ I said. ‘There’s nothing they can do I can’t, except give you children, and you don’t want that. Not yet. You can ruin your whole life by having children before you’re ready. Look at Mabel, look at Isabel, you don’t want to be like them.’

  ‘“I knew that sooner or later she would be needing a young man. Her curiosity had to be set at rest. She didn’t want to be out of it when the other girls were comparing notes. I had made her promise not to tell them about us. ‘They wouldn’t understand,’ I said. ‘They’d laugh at you. When the time comes for a young man, I’ll tell you: not before you’re sixteen.’

  ‘“What I should do then, I didn’t know. I should have to play it by ear. I was apprehensive, but I was not going to be a coward. When she was fifteen and a half I said, Tt is time you went with a man. But you are too young to marry yet. And you don’t want to have a child. You don’t want to choose the kind of young man who can be troublesome, some men can be. When you see a young man you fancy, ask me, I’ll advise you. You mustn’t make a mistake.’ I spoke as though it were a simple matter. I made her think it was, but I knew it wasn’t. I was terrified of losing her. After four years, after all, and every year it had been getting better. I can’t tell you how relieved I was when she picked on you. Nothing could have been better from my point of view. When it worked between you, when she told me that she was in love with you, that she believed you were in love with her, it was precisely what I had prayed for, though I hadn’t dared to hope that it could be so good. There’s only one thing that was missing. Something we must work out ourselves, the three of us together.”

  ‘She spoke very quietly, with complete assurance. She had a masterful manner, yet at^the same time her smile had a disarming power. It fascinated, dominated, cast a spell. “Have you ever thought how it could be, the three of us together? No, of course you haven’t. But you have looked ahead and wondered how it will work out for the two of you. You are not an old man yet: far from it, but you are over forty years older than she is. You are able to suffice her now. But for how much longer? For three, six years, perhaps for even longer, but all the time you will be becoming more and more conscious of your waning powers. Another year and a year after that, but sooner or later you will have to lose her. You will foresee a date upon the calendar, the year 1970 shall we say, by then certainly it will be over. Between now and then the break will have to come; and because that calendar date stares at you, out of nervousness your powers will decline faster than they need. In a very few months you will have begun to dread the future; that is, if you are just the two of you, but not if I am with you.

  ‘“She will never leave you, if you are, in her eyes, one with me. Have you ever tried to visualise a trio ? I presume that in your youth, you took a girl friend into a brothel, made a partouze of it. And it was fun, you enjoyed yourselves, the occasion was a link between you, but for that other girl, for your paid partner it was nothing. Think of what it would be if all three of us had our hearts in it. You cannot think how Jannek could be, if I were with you. I have trained her from her girlhood. Dared by me, she would do delightedly things that you would not have the face to ask her. She would keep you young. She would give you the price that Faust sold his soul, for recovered youth. She must never know that she has been discovered. That would shame her. I would not have her shamed. You must install me here as your manager. You need a woman to run this house. Jannek will come out with me as an understudy. She can continue going to school. She must not be robbed of that. Once we are installed, you can leave everything to me. We will not so much share her, you and I, as all three of us will share each other. One night she will sleep with you. One night she will sleep with me. One night it will be the three of us together. And those are the nights that will mean the most to you. Think it over well, my friend. You are being offered what nine men in ten, if they were offered it, would sell their souls for.”

  ‘She stood straight up, and without another word, without a backward glance, walked across the patio. Within thirty seconds I had made up my mind. That daemon, that inner voice that guided Socrates, that voice that must never be denied, said “No, no, no”. First instincts never lie. I had had the sense the night before of being in the presence of incarnate evil. I must act at once, decisively. I should be lost if I hesitated, if I brooded over the monstrous proposition. For I was not immune to the temptation. I could feel its power. I might have become its slave. I must act at once. For Jannek’s sake as much as for my own.

  ‘Jannek was in school. Her class would end at noon. I drove into Roseau and parked outside the building. I was standing on the pavement when the steps were suddenly crowded with a stream of blue-skirted, white-bloused urchins, chattering across their satchels. I had a sense of my heart turning round and over. She was so very pretty. And she looked so young. She had to be protected.

  ‘Her face lit at the sight of me. Not a lover’s delight, a child’s delight. She had to be protected.

  ‘“You back so soon,” she cried.

  ‘“I’ve news for you,” I told her. I took her out to lunch; it was something I had never done before. I had preserved appearances as far as possible. It was a great treat for her. She had not very often held a menu in her hand. She deliberated her choices lengthily. “Now for my news,” I said. “I made some enquiries while I was in London. I’ve not been very happy about that school of yours. It’s good enough, of course, but its standards are not as high as the universities in Trinidad and Barbados. I want you to have the best there is. I want you to go to Trinidad. You’ll stay there with friends of mine. You’ll go there just before the new term opens. If you get a degree there, you’ll be able to get yourself a good job anywhere. A girl with your abilities and looks.” She was enchanted. I had of course not made any such arrangements, but that’s the kind of thing that I’ve always been able to work : out, for other people. Jannek was thrilled. To be going to Trinidad. What an adventure! How her friends would envy her. “And we shan’t be losing touch. I’ll be coming down to see you. You’ll be coming back here for your holidays,” I assured her. Not that she was worrying about us, about her and me. She was far too excited. And all the clothes that she would be buying.

  ‘To her mother, however, I was quite explic
it. “This relationship with me is bad for Jannek,” I explained. “I had thought it would be something that would be over in six months. But it hasn’t turned out that way. She means much more to me than I had expected. If she were to stay on here, I couldn’t keep away from her. She must go away. And she must stay away. She mustn’t come back. Probably she will marry there, quite soon. When she marries I will make her a quite large present. Within a very short little time, she will have become part of a new life. She mustn’t be reminded of Dominica. That cousin of hers mustn’t visit her. Is that understood?” It was understood completely. None of the Dominicans have any money. The man who has a little money is all powerful. I had more than a little money.

  ‘The arrangements went even more quickly than I had expected. Within ten days I had the bookings fixed. The next day the cousin came out to see me. Her face was set in a grim, fierce frown. “You are a very foolish man,” she said. “No man can cross me and not suffer. If Jannek goes away, you will never leave this island.” ‘

  Raymond checked. He had told me his story without interruption. Now he asked me a question. ‘Do you believe in the power of the evil eye ?’

  I nodded.

  ‘If you believe in the efficacy of prayer, you must also believe in the power of a person to will you harm,’ I said. ‘In the New Hebrides, planters told me how a native whose pride has been hurt will turn his face to the wall and die within three days. They commit hara-kiri with their minds.’

  ‘You wrote a story about a Frenchman in Martinique whose girl put a spell on him, so that he could never leave the island. Every time he tried to leave, he had a dizzy spell.’

  ‘That was the first West Indian story that I wrote, forty years ago.’

  ‘Was it true?’

  ‘It was told to me as true.’

  ‘You believe it happened ?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘That’s what happened to me. “Every time you try to leave the island,” she said, “you will have a dizzy spell. As a warning, on the day that Jannek is due to go, you will wake with a headache so fierce that you will not be able to get out of bed. I will come and visit you. I will deliver my ultimatum.”