The Torturer's Daughter

by Zoe Cannon

  Her mom’s worry lines etched themselves back into place. With a groan, she pulled herself upright. “What’s wrong?”

  Becca shouldn’t have come in here looking for comfort like a five-year-old after a bad dream. Any comfort her mom could offer would be tainted by what Becca knew about her.

  You know what she is.

  Becca searched for some excuse she could give for coming in here in the middle of the night, some way to reassure her mom that nothing was actually wrong.

  She opened her mouth—and started sobbing.

  She couldn’t stop the flow. Her legs buckled under her. She collapsed to the floor as her tears fell faster and faster.

  Her mom eased herself to the floor beside her. She didn’t say anything. She just wrapped Becca in her arms, the way she had held her when she really had been a five-year-old with a bad dream, the way Jake had comforted her at the playhouse earlier. Becca knew she should pull away, get away from the blood on her mom’s hands. Instead she sank into the comfort her mom offered.

  She felt a little warmer.

  “I don’t know what to do,” she whispered. She hadn’t meant to say it aloud.

  “I know,” said her mom, just as quietly. “I know how hard it is.” She tightened her arms around Becca. “But no matter what Heather and Jake and anyone else have told you, you still know what’s right.”

  “How am I supposed to know?”

  “Knowing isn’t the hard part.” Her mom stroked her hair, like she always used to when Becca was in bed with a fever. She hadn’t done that in years. “I know you, Becca. You’re smart enough to see through the lies they’ve been telling you. The hard part comes when you don’t want to do the thing you know is necessary.”

  Turn Jake in so Internal could kill him. Do nothing, and let her mom die.

  Whose life was she supposed to trade away?

  Her mom spoke softly. “Is there something you want to tell me?”

  She had to make the choice that would let her live with herself later. But what if she couldn’t live with either choice?

  You know what she is. Jake’s voice echoed in her mind. Fast behind it came the memory of what her mom had said. Every day when I look at the dissidents in those cells, I have to remind myself all over again what they are, so that I can do what needs to be done.

  The two blended together until Becca couldn’t tell who was saying what.

  Until all she could hear was a third voice. Her own.

  She didn’t want to leave her mom’s comfort behind and step back into the cold. But she forced herself to pull away, to push herself up on her shaky legs until she was standing upright again. “I think I need to be alone for a while.”

  Her mom watched her as she walked to the door. “Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.”

  Without her mom’s arms around her, the cold enveloped her again. But this time it didn’t sink as deeply into her bones.

  She knew what she had to do.

  Chapter Twenty

  Becca sat beside her bedroom door, her back against the wall, listening. The only sounds she heard were the ever-present electric hum and the faint thumps of her mom getting ready for work. She had been sitting here since she had left her mom’s bedroom. She couldn’t wait in the living room. If she did, her mom would wonder why she was up so early.

  Maybe it wasn’t going to happen. Maybe she had put herself through all this for nothing.

  She closed her burning eyes. She would just let herself rest for a minute. Just for a minute…

  She didn’t realize she had fallen asleep until the doorbell woke her.

  Her eyes sprang open.

  If everything was going the way she had planned, she had nothing to worry about. But if something had gone wrong…

  And it would be so easy for something to go wrong.

  She raced out of the room and toward the door—just in time to see her mom reach for the knob.

  She couldn’t get there in time, couldn’t stop her mom from opening the door.

  Couldn’t stop Jake from walking inside.

  He was here.

  The smile he had used to lure her in was long gone. His mouth was a straight line, his eyes two stones. She didn’t want to look down, but her gaze traveled to his hands, to the gun he clutched like he was afraid it would betray him.

  Her mom drew in her breath. She stood like a statue as Jake swung the door shut behind him. “Becca,” she said without taking her eyes off Jake, “get out of here.”

  Becca stepped forward. “You don’t have to do this. You can still leave.”

  “You know why I have to do this.” Jake turned to Becca’s mom and took a deliberate step toward her. “You know too, don’t you? You recognized me when I came over for dinner that night.”

  “I’m sorry for what happened to you.” How could her mom sound so calm? “But if you do this, you’ll give up any chance of getting out alive.”

  “My life doesn’t matter anymore. Protecting my dad is all that matters.” Slowly, Jake raised the gun. He kept walking, driving Becca’s mom back and back until she hit the wall beside the couch. He pressed the barrel of the gun to her forehead. “And he won’t be safe as long as you’re alive.”

  No. No. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

  Becca moved forward, toward Jake; she didn’t know what she could do, but she had to do something. Jake held up a hand to stop her. “You stay where you are.”

  “This won’t help protect your father.” Becca’s mom sounded like they were chatting at the kitchen table or something. Like she didn’t have a gun to her head. “If you kill me, Internal will assume he was involved. They’ll arrest you both.”

  Becca crept closer. One tiny step after the other. Jake didn’t look at her; his eyes were fixed on her mom.

  “You’ll kill us anyway. Just like you killed Mom and Sarra.” He dug the barrel of the gun deeper into her skin. “I won’t let you hurt anyone again.”

  Becca inched forward. She and Jake were almost close enough to touch.

  Jake’s hand shook. “You won’t hurt anyone again,” he repeated.

  Her mom’s breaths were slow and even. “You don’t want to do this.” If it had been anyone but her mom, Becca wouldn’t have been able to read her well enough to hear the quiver of fear that broke through the mask of calm.

  “I have to.” Jake drew a shuddering breath. “I have to do this. I have to do this.” He repeated it to himself like a mantra.

  Another step forward. Close enough to kiss.

  Jake still didn’t see her.

  She jerked her arm out, quick as a striking snake, and wrenched the gun from his hand.

  It took her a second to understand that it had worked, that she was holding the gun, that her mom was still breathing.

  The gun felt cold and foreign in her hands. She wanted to drop it to the floor. She forced herself not to let go.

  Her mom lunged for Jake. Jake shoved her away before she could touch him. Her head hit the wall with a sickening crack, and she crumpled to the floor.

  Had he killed her? No. No, he couldn’t have killed her so easily.

  Jake’s hand was still shaking as he held it out to her. “Give me the gun, Becca. Let me finish this.”

  “I’m not going to let you kill her.” She was surprised by how steady her voice sounded.

  There. Her mom’s chest moved as she took a breath. The movement was slight, but enough for Becca to see. She was alive.

  In that moment of distraction, Jake twisted the gun out of her hands. Before she could even think about trying to stop him, it was gone.

  He leveled the gun at her mom.

  “I have to do this,” he whispered.

  There was only one thing Becca could do. Only one choice she could make.

  She took a step forward, placing herself between Jake and her mother. She turned to face him.

  She tried to ignore the gun pointed straight at her. Tried to ignore the pounding in her chest. />
  “I won’t let you kill her,” she repeated.

  Jake’s hand wavered, but he didn’t lower the gun.

  She met his eyes. She didn’t look away.

  She hoped he couldn’t hear how fast her heart was beating.

  “Leave her. Take your dad and disappear. It’s the only way you’ll really be able to protect him.”

  Jake took a shuddering breath. His hand steadied.

  The bang made the walls shudder. For one confused second Becca wondered why she hadn’t felt the shot. Jake startled; the gun slipped from his fingers, and Becca realized it hadn’t gone off after all. The door had swung open so hard it had slammed into the wall.

  They were here. Not too late after all. They were finally here.

  Two Enforcers rushed into the room. One tackled Jake to the floor while the other hurried to Becca’s mom’s side.

  They could have been the same Enforcers who had come for Becca a few days ago. Becca couldn’t tell. The uniform erased everything else about them.

  Becca’s mom was sitting upright, one hand holding the back of her head. “I’m all right,” she assured the Enforcer who was looking her over for signs of injury. “He didn’t have a chance to hurt me. My daughter saved me.”

  The agent turned to Becca. “You’re the one who made the call?” His helmet muffled his words.

  She nodded. She didn’t trust herself to speak.

  He held out his hand for the gun. She gave it to him.

  “I hope you understand what you did today,” he told her. “Not only have you helped us catch this dissident, you’ve saved your mother’s life.”

  The other Enforcer hauled Jake to his feet. Jake didn’t try to fight. He stared into Becca’s eyes, the same searching look he had given her when she had first seen him across the cafeteria. She forced herself not to look away. She had to face what she had done.

  If he hadn’t come here this morning… if he had just stayed at the playground, or left town… they never would have found him. She hadn’t told them where he was hiding.

  But she had known he would come.

  The agent shoved Jake toward the door. “Move, dissident.”

  Jake didn’t deserve what they would do to him.

  But if she hadn’t called Internal, Jake would have killed her mom. Killed her for what she was, just like Becca would have died in 117 for what she was. Would have, if her mom hadn’t saved her.

  Jake had been right. Becca knew what her mom was.

  But she also knew who she was.

  If Becca could have taken care of this any other way, she would have. But she couldn’t stand back and let Jake kill her mom. She had to become somebody she could live with. And she couldn’t live with herself if she let people die for what they were—dissident, torturer, as though nothing else about them mattered. She couldn’t live with herself if she became her mother.

  Becca wanted to tell Jake all of this. She wanted to beg him to forgive her, or at least to understand.

  But she couldn’t say anything without revealing herself as a dissident.

  Jake kept his eyes locked on hers as the Enforcers led him out of the apartment, until the doors closed behind them and he was gone.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  It hadn’t been easy for Becca to get her mom to let her leave the apartment. Now, as she stood with one hand on the rusted slide, she wished her mom hadn’t given in.

  She took a slow breath. Then another.

  She was stalling.

  She forced her legs to move. They carried her mechanically through the weeds and into the playhouse.

  Jake’s dad still hadn’t moved. But as Becca walked in, all his muscles tightened; he squeezed himself further into the corner, eyes frantic.

  Becca remembered the bruises on Jake’s neck that night. What if Jake’s dad thought she was from Internal? All her instincts told her to run, but she stayed where she was. “It’s okay. I’m here to help you.” She kept her voice as soft as possible.

  He relaxed a little, but he still had that trapped look in his eyes. “You. It’s you.” She couldn’t tell whether his tone was relief or fear.

  She had no way of knowing who he was seeing when he looked at her. But it didn’t matter. “It’s me.” She sank down to the floor, slowly, carefully, until she was sitting next to him.

  The smell of this place made her forget, for a second, that any time had passed since her fight with Jake last night. She could almost see him standing in front of her, arguing with her about why her mom needed to die. A tear escaped her eye, burning the raw skin underneath; she wiped it away. More tears threatened behind her eyes. She hadn’t thought she had any left in her.

  “Do you know where Jake is?” he asked, like his life depended on the answer.

  Becca’s breath caught. It took her a moment to respond. “You don’t need to worry about him right now. There’s just one thing you have to do. But it’s really important that you do this, okay?”

  Some of the fear faded from his eyes. He edged a little closer. “What is it?”

  She reached her hand into her pocket, keeping her movements slow, aware of how closely he was watching her and the way he tensed every time she moved a little too fast. She pulled out the strip of paper Jake had given her. It was soft from handling and creased in dozens of places, but the numbers were still legible.

  “You need to get to a phone,” she told him. “And you need to call this number. It’ll put you in touch with the people Sarra was working with. Tell them who you are, and where you are.”

  So many risks. If he ventured away from the playground, would Internal catch him before he had a chance to find a phone? Would Surveillance overhear the call, and send Enforcement not only for him but for whoever was on the other end of the line? Would the person who answered be willing to help him? But this was all she had to offer. The alternative was leaving him here, stranded, and that wasn’t an option. Especially not after what she had done to Jake.

  He took the paper and smoothed it between his fingers. “Will they help me find Jake?”

  “Don’t worry about him,” Becca repeated. “Just call that number. As soon as possible. If you don’t, Internal will find you.”

  He shuddered at the mention of Internal.

  “Will you do it?” asked Becca.

  He nodded. “I’ll do it.”

  She hoped he would make it. She wished she could do more for him. But she had nothing else to give him. She hadn’t even been able to bring more food, not with her mom watching her so closely.

  She had to get out of here before he asked her about Jake again. “I have to go.” But she stayed where she was. There had to be something else she could do for him.

  But there wasn’t.

  “Good luck,” she said. She got up and walked to the doorway.

  Before she could leave, he spoke again. “Becca.”

  She stopped.

  He knew who she was.

  “He’s gone, isn’t he?” Jake’s dad asked quietly.

  Becca stood in the doorway, unable to bring herself to answer his question but unable to walk away.

  “Yes,” she finally answered. “He’s gone.” Better for him to know the truth than for him to be waiting forever for Jake to come back.

  “He wouldn’t have given up. He would have killed her no matter what.” Now he was the one holding back tears. “I understand. You had to do it. You had to keep your family safe.”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  Her vision blurred as she left the playground for the last time.

  * * *

  Becca’s mom didn’t move when Becca walked in. She stayed on the couch, staring out the window—or maybe staring at nothing at all. For a second, she reminded Becca of Jake’s dad.

  “I’m back,” said Becca.

  “Good.” In that one word, her mom’s voice betrayed her exhaustion. Not the simple fatigue Becca saw in her when she came home after working for sixteen hours straight. This
was something deeper.

  Becca hung back. She eyed the space beside her mom, and then the path that led to her bedroom. She didn’t want to do this. It wasn’t going to work; how could it possibly work?

  But she was going to have to do it sooner or later. No matter how much time her mom spent away from home, Becca couldn’t avoid her forever. If this wasn’t going to work, better to find out right away.

  Her feet dragged as she made her way to the couch.

  She sat down next to her mom. “You said you were ready whenever I wanted to tell you what’s going on.” She didn’t have to fake the quiver in her voice. “I’m ready now.”

  Her mom reached out and took her hand. “I’m listening.” Her mom’s hand felt like ice against hers.

  Becca took a moment to collect her thoughts, to make sure she knew what she wanted to say. “I didn’t know Jake was a dissident at first. But he started saying things. Things about the government, and about Internal. I knew I should report him, but I started to believe the things he was saying.”

  Jake at the playground, screaming about what her mom had done. The night she had found out for sure that he was a dissident. She stopped for a moment as the memory lanced through her.

  “When he disappeared, I figured Internal had taken him,” she continued, eyes stinging. “Until… well, you know what happened after that.” When had it gotten so hard to breathe? “He found me last night. He told me he was going to kill you for what you had done to his family. He… he wanted me to help him.”

  Where was he now? Staring down at the bloodstain on the floor in the same cell where she had stayed, or in another identical room deep within the underground maze? Was he being interrogated right now? Was he already dead, or would she see him on TV in a couple of weeks, hear his broken voice as he recounted his crimes?

  “It’s all right.” Her mom squeezed her hand. “It’s over now.”

  “When he asked me to help him kill you, it made me see what was going on. What he really was, and what he had been doing to me. I told him I would think about it, and… I called Internal.” Even now, she wasn’t sure she had done the right thing. But she’d had to do it. In her head, she heard Jake’s mantra. I have to do this.