‘Well, that’s what I do with them,’ Ali says with a wiggle of her eyebrows.
I know that Ali just wants me to be happy, but I did consider all of this before agreeing to marry my fiancé, Daniel Tyler, and when I say I considered it before agreeing, I mean I literally asked him for a moment, before I gave him my answer. The reason for this is because marriage is something I take seriously. My parents, both sixty-five years of age, have been married since they were nineteen. I might be thirty-one, but I want to marry once, and for life. I had a blast in my twenties, Daniel and I moved in together when I was twenty-nine and now, comfortably accepting of the fact I am in my thirties, I finally feel ready to tie the knot.
When some women say they have been planning their wedding for years, what they really mean is they’ve been dressing up in net curtains as kids and trolling Pinterest for flower arrangements as adults. Well, I really have been planning weddings for years… sort of. Not my own wedding and I’m certainly not a wedding planner.
I’m a rom-com author and although the weddings I work with may be fictional, I haven’t just planned a lot of them – I’ve ruined a lot of them too. I’ve written ten books now, so it’s pretty safe to say I’ve considered every possible triumph, every little hiccup and every epic fail my romantic yet devious mind can conjure up.
So, yes, while I have researched flowers, cakes and dresses, and tweaked them accordingly (pockets! Honestly, this is going to be a game changer), I don’t just know what this wedding needs, I know what it doesn’t need too. Obsessing over what flavour frosting to have is rather silly – that’s just the icing on the cake. What you should be worrying about are the things that are out of your control.
I have essentially reverse-engineered every single wedding I’ve ever written, to make sure that my real wedding is perfect. It’s kind of a genius move.
I know for a fact that Daniel’s Auntie Susan and his Auntie Carole hate each other – and I mean hate each other. I also know that Ali would flip out if she knew that Alex, her ex-boyfriend, had been invited to the wedding. But thanks to my choice of venue – and, more specifically, room – they’ll probably never see each other. I know that neither of his aunties likes to dance and I’ve put them at opposite ends of the room, with multiple pillars blocking their view of each other. The same strategy will work for Ali and Alex, although I have had to get a little creative with some balloons to keep him out of her sight. So, he might not have the best view of the speeches, but he’d thank me if he knew it was saving him from having to pick pieces of his jaw out of his salmon. And then it’s only a matter of time. Once Ali has had enough to drink, and my girl drinks, she won’t even recognise him – hell, she’ll probably try and flirt with him.
There’s a knock on the hotel door. I glance over at Ali, who looks back at me expectantly.
‘Erm, can you open it?’ I ask her.
She pulls a face, like a lazy teenager who doesn’t want to tidy their room. You’d never know she was a hugely successful literary agent (although not mine, I hasten to add).
‘I’m in my underwear still,’ I point out.
I’ve had my hair and make-up done, now I’m just waiting for my mum to turn up with my dress. Ali is completely ready; she isn’t going to flash anyone if she answers the door. Although I suspect she might if they were hot.
‘Fine, fine,’ she replies, carefully pulling herself to her feet in her bridesmaid dress. She looks absolutely smoking in the bright red dress she selected for herself to wear today. Her long blonde hair extensions cost more than my mobile phone, but I can’t help but marvel at how real they look. My own real long blonde hair definitely looks real, but not in the way you’d want it to – it’s more like the kind of real where a little sunshine or rain will make it fizz up like a bath bomb, which is why I’ve opted for one sleek-looking fishtail plait today.
During the wedding planning stage there was this whole conversation, involving some of our friends, about whether or not it was appropriate to wear a bright red dress to a wedding – especially if you were a bridesmaid. I just wanted my bridesmaids to be happy and if Ali wanted to wear a red dress, then I wanted her to wear a red dress too. I’m sure I should be in tears, worrying about my wedding aesthetic, or that my friend might upstage me, but I’m not. I’m just happy.
Ali reluctantly opens the door. She lets in my mum and my sister, Mandy. They both look as if they’ve just stepped off a roller coaster.
‘What’s wrong?’ I ask, turning around on my dressing-table stool.
‘Something has happened,’ my mum says solemnly.
‘What?’ I prompt. A dramatic build-up is a plot device, not an appropriate way of delivering bad news in real life.
Mandy steps to one side, to reveal my three-year-old niece, Ruby, standing behind her.
Ruby is my flower girl. She also insisted she wanted an up-do like her mum, so I had her golden blonde curls wrapped around a flower crown. I say ‘had’ because her crown appears to have vanished and her curls look so wild, I don’t know how we tamed them in the first place.
‘Oh, my God,’ I shriek, before placing one hand on my chest and the other over my mouth.
‘Sis, I’m so sorry,’ Mandy starts. ‘I left her in the gardens with June, but I suppose she was too busy swiping on bloody Tinder to keep an eye on her, and she got attacked by a bloody bee!’
‘It was on my head,’ Ruby explains sheepishly.
June is our nineteen-year-old cousin. I don’t think she’s looked up from her iPhone since she was fourteen. A terrible choice for a babysitter, for sure.
‘You all need to relax,’ I say, giving up my faux-devastated act. ‘It’s fine, Ruby looks beautiful as she is. I don’t care if she has a flower crown – she’s a kid, I’m surprised she kept it on this long.’
‘Lila Rose, what have I told you about being sarcastic?’ my mum ticks me off as she recovers from the fright.
I keep telling them all not to worry so much. I have all the bases covered. Nothing is going to go wrong today. I’m certainly not going to have a meltdown because a three-year-old can’t keep flowers in her hair.
‘Don’t you mean Lila Tyler?’ my sister says.
‘Lila Tyler,’ Ali says mockingly. ‘Lila Tyler, Lila Tyler.’
OK, I admit, it isn’t an ideal married name, and I’ve always been so fond of Lila Rose because it’s not only a beautiful name, but it sounds as if I was born to be a romance writer. But if Lila Tyler is what my new name is going to be, then that’s what it’s going to be. I may as well get used to it.
‘Well, crisis averted,’ I say. ‘Is it time to put my dress on yet?’
I am so excited to finally be able to wear my dress. Other than a few times trying it on, putting my hands in the pockets, dancing around in front of the mirror, I really don’t feel as if I’ve been able to enjoy it yet.
‘Yes,’ my mum replies. ‘Sorry, it’s in my room. I’ll go fetch it.’
‘And I’ll break a brush in this one’s hair,’ Mandy says, nodding towards Ruby.
‘I want my flowers,’ Ruby says.
‘You get them for the ceremony,’ her mum tells her.
‘No, my hair flowers. I want my hair flowers.’
‘Then you shouldn’t have taken them off and left them in the garden,’ Mandy replies.
Ruby pouts.
‘Well, I can’t have a moody flower girl, can I?’ I say playfully. ‘I’ll go get them for her.’
‘You’re getting ready,’ Mandy says. ‘Don’t be crazy.’
‘It’s fine,’ I insist. ‘She wants them.’
And I want everything to be fine, so if Ruby wants her flowers, I’ll go get them, and if it’s easier if I do it myself, then I’ll do it. There really, really isn’t any need for things to go wrong today.
‘Thanks,’ my sister says. ‘She was by the fountain.’
I grab my black tracksuit from on top of my bed, hop into my trackies, zip up my hoodie and head downstairs to retrieve Ruby’s crown from t
he large angry bee that allegedly coerced her out of it.
I chose the Victoria Hotel for my wedding – a stunning, (unsurprisingly) Victorian building, tucked away in its own private woodland – because it was close to London, but easily accessible from the north of the country, with lots of rooms so Daniel’s family and friends could travel down from Yorkshire and stay the night. Seriously, I am leaving no room for complaints, from either side of the family.
I walk down the spiral staircase, stroking the silky smooth wooden bannister. Not because I need to, but because I want to drink up every last drop of today. I want to remember every sight, every smell, every touch. I’ve hired two photographers, both with different areas of expertise, to ensure that every shot is accounted for, that I have a memento of every moment. I’m only doing this once, so I’m going to make it count.
It’s July, so the delphiniums in the garden are blooming, in various shades of pinks and purples. I considered including them in my bridal bouquet, but I remembered reading that they were toxic to humans and while I had no intention of eating them, something about carrying something so poisonous down the aisle on the happiest day of my life just put me off.
Sure enough, by the large, stone fountain, I spot Ruby’s flower crown, lying on the floor. I pick it up and examine it and, thankfully, it’s absolutely fine. I say thankfully, not because I care, but because Ruby does. I’ve done everything I can to make sure today is as close to perfect as possible, so I’m pretty confident nothing important can go wrong. Any small thing that goes wrong, I’m not going to worry about. I'm not going to let it ruin my day.
It’s such a lovely day today. Warm, but with a slight breeze. Of course, that’s why I picked today, but you can never be sure with weather forecasts, can you?
I take a moment to admire the gardens. They always smell so much better in the summer, don’t they? And the colours are amazing. The flowers, the fountain – I love the noise of the fountain, the gentle rushing of water. I’m about to take a quick photo with my phone when my ears pick up on another noise, a raised voice, coming from inside the hedge maze. I’m right by the entrance, so I edge closer towards it.
As I walk closer, the voice sounds more familiar. It’s Daniel, my fiancé…
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About the Author
Portia MacIntosh is a bestselling romantic comedy author of 15 novels, including My Great Ex-Scape and Honeymoon For One. Previously a music journalist, Portia writes hilarious stories, drawing on her real life experiences.
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First published in Great Britain in 2020 by Boldwood Books Ltd.
Copyright © Portia MacIntosh, 2020
Cover Design by Debbie Clement Design
Cover Photography: Shutterstock
The moral right of Portia MacIntosh to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Paperback ISBN 978-1-80048-102-2
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Kindle ISBN 978-1-80048-098-8
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