The Big Book of Science Fiction

by The Big Book of Science Fiction (retail) (epub)

  That’s another good question. More than likely it will never be answered to your complete satisfaction. But then, how many questions ever are?

  —

  The middle you know. Here is the beginning. How it starts:

  A desk pad. Day for day, and turn each day. 9:00—open the mail. 9:45—appointment with planning commission board. 10:30—discuss installation progress charts with J.L. 11:45—pray for rain. 12:00—lunch. And so it goes.

  “I’m sorry, Miss Grant, but the time for interviews was set at 2:30, and it’s almost five now. I’m sorry you’re late, but those are the rules. You’ll have to wait till next year to submit application for this college again.” And so it goes.

  The 10:10 Local stops at Cresthaven, Galesville, Tonawanda Junction, Selby, and Farnhurst, but not at Indiana City, Lucasville, and Cotton, except on Sunday. The 10:35 express stops at Galesville, Selby, and Indiana City, except on Sundays and holidays, at which time it stops at…and so it goes.

  “I couldn’t wait, Fred. I had to be at Pierre Cartain’s by 3:00, and you said you’d meet me under the clock in the terminal at 2:45, and you weren’t there, so I had to go on. You’re always late, Fred. If you’d been there, we could have sewed it up together, but as it was, well, I took the order alone….And so it goes.

  Dear Mr. and Mrs. Atterley: In reference to your son Gerold’s constant tardiness, I am afraid we will have to suspend him from school unless some more reliable method can be instituted guaranteeing he will arrive at his classes on time. Granted he is an exemplary student, and his marks are high, his constant flouting of the schedules of this school makes it impractical to maintain him in a system where the other children seem capable of getting where they are supposed to be on time and so it goes.

  YOU CANNOT VOTE UNLESS YOU APPEAR AT 8:45 AM.

  “I DON’T CARE IF THE SCRIPT IS GOOD, I NEED IT THURSDAY!”

  CHECK-OUT TIME IS 2:00 PM.

  “You got here late. The job’s taken. Sorry.”

  YOUR SALARY HAS BEEN DOCKED FOR TWENTY MINUTES’ TIME LOST.

  “God, what time is it, I’ve gotta run!”

  And so it goes. And so it goes. And so it goes. And so it goes goes goes goes goes tick tock tick tock tick tock and one day we no longer let time serve us, we serve time and we are slaves of the schedule, worshippers of the sun’s passing, bound into a life predicated on restrictions because the system will not function if we don’t keep the schedule tight.

  Until it becomes more than a minor inconvenience to be late. It becomes a sin. Then a crime. Then a crime punishable by this:

  EFFECTIVE 15 JULY 2389 12:00:00 midnight, the office of the Master Timekeeper will require all citizens to submit their time cards and cardioplates for processing. In accordance with Statute 555-7-SGH-999 governing the revocation of time per capita, all cardioplates will be keyed to the individual holder and—

  What they had done was devise a method of curtailing the amount of life a person could have. If he was ten minutes late, he lost ten minutes of his life. An hour was proportionately worth more revocation. If someone was consistently tardy, he might find himself, on a Sunday night, receiving a communiqué from the Master Timekeeper that his time had run out, and he would be “turned off” at high noon on Monday, please straighten your affairs, sir, madame, or bisex.

  And so, by this simple scientific expedient (utilizing a scientific process held dearly secret by the Ticktockman’s office) the System was maintained. It was the only expedient thing to do. It was, after all, patriotic. The schedules had to be met. After all, there was a war on!

  But, wasn’t there always?

  —

  “Now that is really disgusting,” the Harlequin said, when Pretty Alice showed him the wanted poster. “Disgusting and highly improbable. After all, this isn’t the Day of the Desperado. A wanted poster!”

  “You know,” Pretty Alice noted, “you speak with a great deal of inflection.”

  “I’m sorry,” said the Harlequin, humbly.

  “No need to be sorry. You’re always saying ‘I’m sorry.’ You have such massive guilt, Everett, it’s really very sad.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said again, then pursed his lips so the dimples appeared momentarily. He hadn’t wanted to say that at all. “I have to go out again. I have to do something.”

  Pretty Alice slammed her coffee-bulb down on the counter. “Oh for God’s sake, Everett, can’t you stay home just one night! Must you always be out in that ghastly clown suit, running around annoying people?”

  “I’m—” He stopped, and clapped the jester’s hat onto his auburn thatch with a tiny tinkling of bells. He rose, rinsed out his coffee-bulb at the spray, and put it into the dryer for a moment. “I have to go.”

  She didn’t answer. The faxbox was purring, and she pulled a sheet out, read it, threw it toward him on the counter. “It’s about you. Of course. You’re ridiculous.”

  He read it quickly. It said the Ticktockman was trying to locate him. He didn’t care, he was going out to be late again. At the door, dredging for an exit line, he hurled back petulantly, “Well, you speak with inflection, too!”

  Pretty Alice rolled her pretty eyes heavenward. “You’re ridiculous.”

  The Harlequin stalked out, slamming the door, which sighed shut softly, and locked itself.

  There was a gentle knock, and Pretty Alice got up with an exhalation of exasperated breath, and opened the door. He stood there. “I’ll be back about ten thirty, okay?”

  She pulled a rueful face. “Why do you tell me that? Why? You know you’ll be late! You know it! You’re always late, so why do you tell me these dumb things?” She closed the door.

  On the other side, the Harlequin nodded to himself. She’s right. She’s always right. I’ll be late. I’m always late. Why do I tell her these dumb things?

  He shrugged again, and went off to be late once more.

  —

  He had fired off the firecracker rockets that said: I will attend the 115th annual International Medical Association Invocation at 8:00 p.m. precisely. I do hope you will all be able to join me.

  The words had burned in the sky, and of course the authorities were there, lying in wait for him. They assumed, naturally, that he would be late. He arrived twenty minutes early, while they were setting up the spiderwebs to trap and hold him. Blowing a large bullhorn, he frightened and unnerved them so, their own moisturized encirclement webs sucked closed, and they were hauled up, kicking and shrieking, high above the amphitheater’s floor. The Harlequin laughed and laughed, and apologized profusely. The physicians, gathered in solemn conclave, roared with laughter, and accepted the Harlequin’s apologies with exaggerated bowing and posturing, and a merry time was had by all, who thought the Harlequin was a regular foofaraw in fancy pants; all, that is, but the authorities, who had been sent out by the office of the Ticktockman; they hung there like so much dockside cargo, hauled up above the floor of the amphitheater in a most unseemly fashion.

  (In another part of the same city where the Harlequin carried on his “activities,” totally unrelated in every way to what concerns us here, save that it illustrates the Ticktockman’s power and import, a man named Marshall Delahanty received his turn-off notice from the Ticktockman’s office. His wife received the notification from the gray-suited minee who delivered it, with the traditional “look of sorrow” plastered hideously across his face. She knew what it was, even without unsealing it. It was a billet-doux of immediate recognition to everyone these days. She gasped, and held it as though it were a glass slide tinged with botulism, and prayed it was not for her. Let it be for Marsh, she thought, brutally, realistically, or one of the kids, but not for me, please dear God, not for me. And then she opened it, and it was for Marsh, and she was at one and the same time horrified and relieved. The next trooper in the line had caught the bullet. “Marshall,” she screamed, “Marshall! Termination, Marshall! OhmiGod, Marshall, whattl we do, whattl we do, Marshall omigodmarshall…,” and in
their home that night was the sound of tearing paper and fear, and the stink of madness went up the flue and there was nothing, absolutely nothing they could do about it.

  (But Marshall Delahanty tried to run. And early the next day, when turn-off time came, he was deep in the Canadian forest two hundred miles away, and the office of the Ticktockman blanked his cardioplate, and Marshall Delahanty keeled over, running, and his heart stopped, and the blood dried up on its way to his brain, and he was dead that’s all. One light went out on the sector map in the office of the Master Timekeeper, while notification was entered for fax reproduction, and Georgette Delahanty’s name was entered on the dole roles till she could remarry. Which is the end of the footnote, and all the point that need be made, except don’t laugh, because that is what would happen to the Harlequin if ever the Ticktockman found out his real name. It isn’t funny.)

  —

  The shopping level of the city was thronged with the Thursday-colors of the buyers. Women in canary-yellow chitons and men in pseudo-Tyrolean outfits that were jade and leather and fit very tightly, save for the balloon pants.

  When the Harlequin appeared on the still-being-constructed shell of the new Efficiency Shopping Center, his bullhorn to his elfishly-laughing lips, everyone pointed and stared, and he berated them:

  “Why let them order you about? Why let them tell you to hurry and scurry like ants or maggots? Take your time! Saunter awhile! Enjoy the sunshine, enjoy the breeze, let life carry you at your own pace! Don’t be slaves of time, it’s a helluva way to die, slowly, by degrees…down with the Ticktockman!”

  Who’s the nut? most of the shoppers wanted to know. Who’s the nut oh wow I’m gonna be late I gotta run….

  And the construction gang on the shopping center received an urgent order from the office of the Master Timekeeper that the dangerous criminal known as the Harlequin was atop their spire, and their aid was urgently needed in apprehending him. The work crew said no, they would lose time on their construction schedule, but the Ticktockman managed to pull the proper threads of governmental webbing, and they were told to cease work and catch that nitwit up there on the spire; up there with the bullhorn. So a dozen and more burly workers began climbing into their construction platforms, releasing the a-grav plates, and rising toward the Harlequin.

  —

  After the debacle (in which, through the Harlequin’s attention to personal safety, no one was seriously injured), the workers tried to reassemble, and assault him again, but it was too late. He had vanished. It had attracted quite a crowd, however, and the shopping cycle was thrown off by hours, simply hours. The purchasing needs of the system were therefore falling behind, and so measures were taken to accelerate the cycle for the rest of the day, but it got bogged down and speeded up and they sold too many float-valves and not nearly enough wegglers, which meant that the popli ratio was off, which made it necessary to rush cases and cases of spoiling Smash-O to stores that usually needed a case only every three or four hours. The shipments were bollixed, the transshipments were misrouted, and in the end, even the swizzleskid industries felt it.

  —

  “Don’t come back till you have him!” the Ticktockman said, very quietly, very sincerely, extremely dangerously.

  They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardioplate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stiktytes. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search&seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentive. They used fingerprints. They used the Bertillon system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul Mitgong, but he didn’t help much. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology.

  And what the hell: they caught him.

  After all, his name was Everett C. Marm, and he wasn’t much to begin with, except a man who had no sense of time.

  —

  “Repent, Harlequin!” said the Ticktockman.

  “Get stuffed!” the Harlequin replied, sneering.

  “You’ve been late a total of sixty-three years, five months, three weeks, two days, twelve hours, forty-one minutes, fifty-nine seconds, point oh three six one one one microseconds. You’ve used up everything you can, and more. I’m going to turn you off.”

  “Scare someone else. I’d rather be dead than live in a dumb world with a bogeyman like you.”

  “It’s my job.”

  “You’re full of it. You’re a tyrant. You have no right to order people around and kill them if they show up late.”

  “You can’t adjust. You can’t fit in.”

  “Unstrap me, and I’ll fit my fist into your mouth.”

  “You’re a nonconformist.”

  “That didn’t used to be a felony.”

  “It is now. Live in the world around you.”

  “I hate it. It’s a terrible world.”

  “Not everyone thinks so. Most people enjoy order.”

  “I don’t, and most of the people I know don’t.”

  “That’s not true. How do you think we caught you?”

  “I’m not interested.”

  “A girl named Pretty Alice told us who you were.”

  “That’s a lie.”

  “It’s true. You unnerve her. She wants to belong; she wants to conform; I’m going to turn you off.”

  “Then do it already, and stop arguing with me.”

  “I’m not going to turn you off.”

  “You’re an idiot!”

  “Repent, Harlequin!” said the Ticktockman.

  “Get stuffed.”

  —

  So they sent him to Coventry. And in Coventry they worked him over. It was just like what they did to Winston Smith in Nineteen Eighty-Four, which was a book none of them knew about, but the techniques are really quite ancient, and so they did it to Everett C. Marm; and one day, quite a long time later, the Harlequin appeared on the communications web, appearing elfin and dimpled and bright-eyed, and not at all brainwashed, and he said he had been wrong, that it was a good, a very good thing indeed, to belong, to be right on time hip-ho and away we go, and everyone stared up at him on the public screens that covered an entire city block, and they said to themselves, well, you see, he was just a nut after all, and if that’s the way the system is run, then let’s do it that way, because it doesn’t pay to fight city hall, or in this case, the Ticktockman. So Everett C. Marm was destroyed, which was a loss, because of what Thoreau said earlier, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, and in every revolution a few die who shouldn’t, but they have to, because that’s the way it happens, and if you make only a little change, then it seems to be worthwhile. Or, to make the point lucidly:

  —

  “Uh, excuse me, sir, I, uh, don’t know how to uh, to uh, tell you this, but you were three minutes late. The schedule is a little, uh, bit off.”

  He grinned sheepishly.

  “That’s ridiculous!” murmured the Ticktockman behind his mask. “Check your watch.” And then he went into his office, going mrmee, mrmee, mrmee, mrmee.

  Nine Hundred Grandmothers

  R. A. LAFFERTY

  R. A. Lafferty (1914–2002), full name Raphael Aloysius Lafferty, was an award-winning and highly unusual US science fiction and fantasy writer who generally defied classification due to his sui generis imagination and unique story lines. A working-class man, Lafferty was an autodidact (and voracious reader) whose post–high school education consisted of two years of night school at the University of Tulsa and courses in electrical engineering from the International Correspondence Schools. A correspondence with teenage Neil Gaiman led to his becoming invaluable in helping keep Lafferty’s works visible after the author’s death.

  Lafferty came to writing late, publishing his first story in 1959. Most of his best fiction appeared in Fantastic, Galaxy, and Damon Knight’s Orbit anthology series. Like Gene Wolfe, Lafferty was strongly influenced by his Catholic beliefs, but despite t
his conservatism was associated with the New Wave because of the originality of his fiction. His best-known novels are Past Master (1968) and Fourth Mansions (1969), both nominated for a Nebula Award. Past Master also received a Hugo Award nomination. He won the Hugo Award in 1973 for the short story “Eurema’s Dam.” In 1990, Lafferty received the World Fantasy Award for Life Achievement.

  Lafferty was primarily known for his hundreds of highly original short stories, many of which draw on the Irish and Native American tradition of tall tales. His stories are marked by their use of wit, humor, and absurdism. In this regard, Lafferty’s work had much in common with writers like Kurt Vonnegut, Stepan Chapman, and William Tenn. Recently, Centipede Press has embarked on a quixotic nine-volume quest to return all of Lafferty’s short fiction to print, under the auspices of series editor John Pelan. The Man Who Made Models: The Collected Short Fiction, Volume 1 (2014) featured an introduction by Michael Swanwick, and The Man with the Aura: The Collected Short Fiction, Volume 2 (2015) featured an introduction by Harlan Ellison.

  In his introduction to volume 1, Swanwick calls Lafferty “the single most original short fiction writer of the Twentieth Century…Many of his readers will skim happily over the [wildly entertaining] surface like windsurfers. But, like the ocean, there are depths, and in those depths strange shapes stir…”

  Lafferty’s science fiction stories generally do not strive for realism but in their surreal approach are perhaps more useful than some “hard science fiction” in expanding possibilities about alien life. In the story “Thieving Bear Planet” (1982), for example, aliens are portrayed as capricious and erratic because their ultimate motivations cannot be understood by human beings. The human expedition on a distant planet encounters weird gaps in time, small replicas of themselves, and hauntings that only make sense as part of an alien methodology. Lafferty’s genius is to show only glimpses of that methodology but still convey just how frightening and odd such an encounter might be.