Shalia's Diary Omnibus

by Tracy St. John

  I wasn’t buying it. “You’re telling me that if you clanned a woman, and she had a child you knew for a fact you didn’t have any part of, you’d be okay with that?”

  Betra wore a sad expression. Sad enough that my whole angst-ridden self shut her big mouth.

  He didn’t speak for several seconds, and I wondered what line I’d overstepped this time. He took a deep breath, blew it out, and raised his gaze to mine.

  “I would love few things more than to be a father and a mate. To have a woman who loves me and a son or daughter who looks up to me? There is no price that can be put on that, Shalia. Any opportunity to have people to take care of and love would be welcome.” He smiled, but there was a lot of bitterness in it. “Biology would mean no difference to me. If I was the nurturer of a young one, I would make them happy that they were mine. I can’t tell you how fulfilled I would be to raise a child.”

  “Why don’t you? Join a clan and get in on the lottery. Have a family.”

  His demeanor darkened. “There are obstacles to that. The biggest is, all members of a clan are intimate with each other.”

  I shrugged. “So?”

  “I do not enjoy men in a sexual fashion.” Betra ducked as if embarrassed. “I only find pleasure with women.”

  Well. Here I thought all Kalquorian males enjoyed being lovers with each other.

  Feeling very much an idiot and realizing this was a huge deal to Betra, I turned my hands palms up so I could hold his. “I’m sorry, Betra,” I said. “I didn’t realize.”

  “It doesn’t happen often. Most of us are happy to enjoy any closeness we can in the absence of females. We are pack animals for the most part, though we do have what Earthers refer to as ‘lone wolf’ types. Usually, that happens with the Nobeks. On the whole, we are social creatures with a need to belong to a larger communal system.”

  I mused over his predicament. “Couldn’t you link up with a heterosexual Dramok and Nobek? Clan with them with the understanding there would be no hanky-panky, except with the Matara you eventually clan?”

  “I’ve tried that route. We don’t clan simply to have a woman, though that’s how it started when Mataras became so far and few between. Even then, most of our race was bisexual. The men who clanned formed strong bonds.”

  This was too much for me to absorb. I decided to stick with Betra’s particular issue. “A clanning of convenience is out of the question?”

  He shrugged. “Clanning is for life. Even though I can’t have sex with men, I’d need to have an intense connection to share a woman with my clanmates. We’d have to be close, like brothers. You don’t find that with just anyone. Meeting men who don’t insist on intimacy with their Imdiko has proven exceedingly difficult.”

  “But you haven’t given up?”

  “I go for stretches where I do. Then I think about caring for a Matara and children, how wonderful that would be, and I try to find likeminded men again. There’s little hope, but I wish for it anyhow.”

  “I guess when I complain about having too many options, you want to wring my neck.”

  He laughed. It was nice to see him easing up. “Not at all. In your way, you have more difficulties than I.” Betra’s eyes twinkled. “I could fall in love with a woman of another species, perhaps. A female with children and no father or fathers to claim them. It’s been done before, though I don’t find any race as appealing as Kalquorian or Earther women.”

  I considered. “What about women who don’t want to be with three men, Betra? There has to be some Earther girls who prefer just one man. It’s what we’re accustomed to.”

  “It’s possible, I suppose. But we wouldn’t be a unit recognized by Kalquorian law. Clans would try to lure my mate from me.” Betra woofed a breath. “I’m not sure I could handle that, especially if little ones were involved.”

  “You Kalquorians will have to change as more and more women come available. If enough of us show up, the clan system might not be needed.”

  “In my lifetime? I doubt it. Few Earther women are moving to Kalquor so far. We’re nowhere near solving our extinction problem.”

  “You gotta have hope,” I told him.

  Hope. That’s what we all live on, isn’t it? When life is great, we hope it’ll stay that way. When it isn’t so good, we hope it will turn around, and the faster the better, thanks. We hope for that job promotion, for that pay raise, for our loved ones to stay healthy, for disappointment to never affect us.

  Then there are those who hope to attract love in the manner that they need it. Someone to share their lives with, who will love them back forever. That might be the big one. I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t need to be special to someone else. Poor Betra, who wants to be a husband and father without having to give himself to other men. My heart aches for him.

  I have another hope: that my poor liaison discovers a path to have the love he deserves.

  Betra changed the subject. “We need to discuss how you are to handle the males on this ship, Matara.”

  I gave him a straight face. “I have no intention of handling anyone, Imdiko.”

  He stared at me in confusion at first. After a few moments, he figured it out and laughed. “That’s funny,” he told me. “However, should you decide to go on with the pregnancy, you’ll have to be ready for the attention when you start showing. Plus, you have that added concern of your scent right now.”

  “Yeah, about that,” I said. “How long do I have to put up with the whole smell nonsense again? You’ve stopped flaring your nostrils so much.”

  Betra flushed red. “I’m not checking for signs any more. It’s there. You have the scent on you.” He took a handheld off his belt and consulted it. “Those women who give off the scent usually do so for about seven weeks. You started two weeks ago, so you have approximately five more weeks. Maybe a little longer, but that would be the average.”

  “Great,” I sighed. “Would perfume mask it?”

  “It would take a great deal of perfume, probably an amount that would render you and anyone around you nauseous.”

  “Terrific,” I snorted. “I deal with plenty of that already.”

  “It’s a problem. However, telling the men on this ship the answer is ‘no’ should keep them from grabbing you. If they persist, ask them who their commanding officer is. That will tell them you mean business.” He arched an eyebrow at me. “Don’t be nice, Shalia. You don’t have to be polite. We will not put up with any man who insists he can’t control himself around you. Feel free to scream and curse at him. Punching and kicking are also acceptable when it comes to getting your point across.”

  I digested that, then noted, “You don’t seem to have any problem with it.”

  He reddened yet again. “I will not lie and say I don’t find the aroma alluring. It is difficult to be in your presence without certain urges occurring.”

  Well, well. I thought my jaw would thud against the floor.

  Betra scowled. “We Kalquorians are not animals. There is no excuse for anyone trying to push his interests on you.”

  “Okay,” I said. “If someone acts too friendly and won’t back off, I have free rein to beat their ass.”

  Betra snickered. “And invite any other Kalquorians in the vicinity to help. I guarantee, they will be pleased to oblige.”

  I remembered something he’d said earlier. “You said I’d also attract interest when I show the pregnancy? What kind of freak gets cozy with a woman pregnant with someone else’s child?”

  The liaison blinked with surprise. “You are joking, aren’t you?”

  I snorted. “No, you are joking. Big belly, bloated all over, waddling like a duck? Not attractive at all, if you ask me.”

  “I don’t know whether to be sad or amused that you say such things.” His eyes went distant. “I have seen a few women heavy with their soon-to-be-born. Round and ripe, filled with life. They were radiant with the nearness of their motherhood, ready to bring new beings into the world. What man could resi
st such a miracle?”

  My mouth hung open once more. Was he for real? Betra seemed to be near religious ecstasy as he described his vision of a pregnant woman. You’d think he’d met the Virgin Mary on her way to Bethlehem to give birth to Jesus.

  He blinked and came back to himself to see me gaping. Betra rolled his eyes as if exasperated.

  “You Earthers. You have such strange ideas. I doubt I will understand you any better when I am 200 years old than I do now. At any rate, the drill will be the same for any men who approach you without your leave. Tell them no, and if they don’t listen, yell for help. Don’t fight later in the pregnancy, because you might hurt yourself.”

  “Or I could sit my round, ripe, fat ass on the guy and squash him,” I suggested.

  Betra left soon after that, shaking his head as he went. Kalquorians. If I could live 200 years, I wouldn’t understand them either.

  December 23

  Aw hell. I made a colossal mistake. Who, you Shalia? Naw. Couldn’t be. I never screw up.

  Well, fuck. It’s another boo-hoo day. I’ve lost Dusa, Esak, and Weln. For good. Forever.

  They could tell something was wrong when they vid-commed me. I wish I had it all to do over again. I wish I could have kept my mouth shut, at the very least. Then again, what was I supposed to do? Lie?

  We’d barely gotten past our hellos when Dusa looked me over. “You’re pale. You don’t look as if you’ve been sleeping. You’re miserable, Shalia. What’s going on?”

  I tried to wave him off. “You know how I am. When is there not drama where I’m concerned?” I chuckled, trying to sound bright when dread filled me. “I’ve been under the weather. No big deal.”

  “Shalia.” With a single word, Dusa fit a wealth of displeasure into his tone. I so didn’t need his disapproval.

  The next thing I knew, the words “I’m pregnant” fell from my lips. Just like that.

  I knew I fucked up before their eyes widened in shock. I couldn’t take it back. I’d opened my big mouth, and now it was out.

  It was Weln who managed to speak. “You – you are having a child?”

  I couldn’t say another word. I was so shocked that I’d confessed that I didn’t feel dread or grief or relief or anything.

  Stunned, Esak and Weln looked to Dusa. My first Kalquorian sweetheart gaped as if somebody had punched him in the stomach.

  “When?” he managed to say.

  “When did I find out?” I asked, having recovered the ability to speak myself.

  “When did you become pregnant?”

  “The same week you left,” I whispered. “I think.”

  He heard me despite my low voice. “You’re not happy about this.”

  I had to tell him the whole truth then. I’m not sure how I managed it, but I stared him in the eye. “I fell to pieces after you went to Atlanta. I took comfort from a man I had no business being with that very week.”

  Dusa’s jaw tightened. “Nang.”

  I nodded.

  Esak growled. “I want to choke that bastard every time I come across him on site. I didn’t need more reasons.”

  I was startled. “He’s there? In Atlanta?”

  Weln answered. “The Academy site was closed down. He’s only a section commander now.”

  “Not our section, fortunately.” Dusa continued to stare at me.

  I dropped my gaze from Dusa’s. “I’m sorry. I wish I knew the baby is your clan’s. I’d give anything for it to be. I could more easily decide whether or not to have it.”

  Dusa’s shoulders drooped. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Shalia. We’re not clanned. We knew we wouldn’t be. You were free to explore.”

  “That would be easier to believe if you didn’t look so damned miserable.”

  He managed a smile. “I know you love me and my clan, Shalia. If our timing had been better, we would have been able to make it work. It wasn’t. We were not meant to be.”

  That’s when the tears started. I fought to keep from crying. I didn’t want them to feel worse than they already did. I couldn’t help it, though, not when I heard the finality in Dusa’s tone.

  “My little pretty, don’t. I hate it when you’re upset.” He shook his head. “Damn it. I should never have let this continue. We should have made a clean break of it when you left Earth.”

  “How can you say that?” I asked. “I hate the thought of not talking to you three.”

  “But consider what it’s doing to you.” For all his youth, Dusa sounded so mature. I was able to appreciate it even as he shredded my heart. “Shalia, you are going to Kalquor. You will join another clan. I won’t fight that, not when we won’t be home for so long. It could be years before we return to Kalquor.”

  “But this baby—” I started.

  “The baby is yours. It doesn’t matter if the biological parent is a member of this clan or not. None of us have a claim to it, not in this situation. And Nang cannot be involved.” His lip curled as he spoke the other Dramok’s name.

  “No. Not in a million years.”

  Esak spoke bitterly. “I am glad you do not hold him in your heart as you do us. I have that to enjoy, at least.”

  I felt ill. “I wish I’d stayed clear of him. He was a huge mistake.”

  Weln shrugged. “He kept you safe when none of us could. He helped rescue your mother when she was abducted.”

  Esak snorted. “You have a point, my Imdiko. I guess I’ll have to let him live.”

  We all managed weak smiles at that.

  Dusa’s expression was pained as he gazed at me, but I saw love there too. He didn’t let me bask in it.

  “Have your baby and don’t worry over its paternity. That is not important. What matters is the child has you for a mother and a caring clan for its fathers. Search out the best clan you can for the babe and you. Be happy. By the ancestors, that’s all I wish for you.”

  I knew what was coming. I couldn’t stop it, but I tried to. “Dusa, I can’t lose you three.”

  “We have to say goodbye now. We have to let you go. You won’t find your lifemates if we hang on. We will not contact you again.”

  Weln bowed his head to keep me from spotting his tears. Esak closed his eyes, but the tough Nobek kept his expression stony. I kept begging it not to happen.

  “Please, Dusa. It doesn’t have to be this way.”

  He blew me a kiss. “My pretty. My Shalia. I thank the ancestors for every moment I had with you. You will always have my love.”

  “No, Dusa.”

  “Goodbye.”

  The vid winked out. In a flash, they were gone. They believe it was in my best interests, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it. All I feel is empty. Lost.

  Dad was right. I should have kept my mouth shut. When will I ever learn?

  December 24

  It’s Christmas Eve on Earth. Some of the women on the transport and our liaisons are trying to put together a celebration for tomorrow. Not me. I’m sitting here in my quarters, thinking so hard my head hurts.

  Maybe I’m in denial over losing Dusa, Esak, and Weln. I can’t cry though. I feel loss, but instead of doing my usual, ‘poor Shalia, oh woe is me’ shtick, I’m trying to figure out how I can work this out. How I can keep from losing them forever. Even if we aren’t meant to be a clan, I can’t accept that we are supposed to end contact. Not after all we shared.

  Can the child I carry can bring them into my life in the end? If I have the baby and it resembles one of them, I would be sure then. I would be able to say, “Yes, this child is the product of my affair with Clan Dusa.” That has to count for something; not just to me, but to them as well. Maybe if I wait for as long as I can, maybe if I put off the clans in the lottery, Dusa and the others will return to Kalquor before the two years are up. It’s not impossible.

  And if they don’t get back in time? There is still the chance I’d join a clan who wouldn’t be opposed to the biological fathers of my child being in his or her life. I could make it a con
dition of the clanning.

  Yes, I’ve heard what Betra says, what Tep has told me, and how Dusa himself has weighed in on the matter. I’m well aware of how Kalquor views the whole parenting thing.

  My feelings have to be taken into account too. My child is entitled to know his real father, if it’s possible – and if that father isn’t Nang. Sorry kid, but you’re better off not exposed to Mommy’s big mistake. In the case of Commander Nang, you’re better off doing as Kalquor says.

  I can’t imagine letting this go as if Clan Dusa had nothing to do with my child. Whether they did or not, I want my sweethearts to play a part in my life. I need to see them again, in any capacity. Maybe Dusa was right and we were not meant to be, but it doesn’t mean we never happened. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t see each other again.