Shalia's Diary Omnibus

by Tracy St. John

“Great to hear we’re not in danger of freezing to death. Resan, what are you doing?” I frowned at him as he picked at the shards of panels near him, tossing them in piles according to their sizes. “We have plenty of room to stretch out and sleep when we need to. You’re going to cut yourself up again.”

  “As if you care for my well-being. Or is it that you feel sick at the sight of blood?” he snarked.

  “No, just your face.”

  He rolled his eyes. “You’re one to talk. What small amount of attractiveness you possessed is lost in the mess of your injuries.”

  I knew I had some swelling and bruising going on with my face, but that was true of my whole body. “As if I wanted to be attractive to you.”

  “Trust me, you’re not. Which brings me to the question I asked before it all went to shit. How could you tell Weapons Commander Oses I desired you?” His lip curled to show me how repugnant he found the idea.

  My earlier hysteria was nowhere in evidence. I hurt too terribly to laugh about anything. “I never told him that. I told him you harassed me. That whole business of stroking yourself while talking about humiliating me – out of bounds. Strictly out of bounds.”

  Resan stared at me with his good eye. “Why?”

  I stared in shock. Was he kidding me? Apparently not, because his expression remained serious. “Have you not paid attention to any matters to do with Earther women? Do you not comprehend what we dealt with under our former government?”

  He shrugged. “Tales here and there. Allegations of suppression. Unequal rights. Subservience. I don’t find your kind that interesting, so I can’t say I’ve noted the issue.”

  I shook my head. “You’re on a ship transporting ‘my kind’ to your home world. How can you not have an interest in that?”

  Resan yawned, whether for effect or because he was genuinely tired, I couldn’t say. “My interest is in getting injured soldiers on their feet. In keeping them in top condition for their next fight. I didn’t sign on to babysit weak Earthers who are stupid enough to blow up their own planet.”

  “That was my government,” I said. “A bunch of fanatical tyrants and oppressors with the might to keep the rest of us afraid. The typical Earther never would have done what they did.”

  “So you say. It doesn’t explain why you were so offended by what I did.”

  “Have you ever been raped, Resan? Threatened with execution if you didn’t agree to have sex with a man who had the authority to make it happen? On a daily basis?”

  He stilled, staring at me. His working eye blinked at me.

  With no change in his expression, Resan finally spoke. “I will not make such gestures to you again. Which I already agreed to with the weapons commander.”

  That was it. No apology. No expression of sympathy. Just a matter-of-fact declaration. All I got was an ‘I have heard your complaint and am sorry you feel that way’ statement.

  Asshole. Throughout the conversation, he kept sorting debris. I hoped he’d slice his damned hands off. That would permanently cure him of making rude gestures.

  My temper was on the rise again. It wanted an avenue to spew down, and Resan’s cleaning was as distracting a route as any. “Does Captain Wotref give out good housekeeping awards to his crew?” I asked. “Will he be proud of your tidy chaos when we’re found?”

  “It’s a task to do,” Resan said. “It passes the time. Besides, I prefer order ... and people who toe the line, do their duty, and don’t lay around goofing off.”

  I happened to be lying down on my side at the moment, trying to keep as much pressure off my back as possible. I took the goofing off comment personally. “What about conserving strength because we’re on short rations? Not to mention, what if a bunch of Tragooms come busting in here, ready to tear us apart? What about that?”

  “What about shutting up for a single fucking second?” Resan threw a middling-sized shard of panel toward the wall and hissed. He shook his hand, apparently in torment. As I’d thought he might, the idiot had cut himself again. Droplets of blood flew from a couple of fingers.

  I managed not to smile. Somehow.

  I thought I might have a small part of the answer as to why I blindly detested Resan. He was too damned rigid. The compulsive straightening he did for no real reason was a sign of his devotion to order.

  I ruminated over how it had gone between us from the moment I started physical therapy. Resan constantly harped on acting in a certain fashion, with no deviations allowed. Come to think of it, until the room turned to shambles, he’d kept it in spotless order.

  I’m not a slob. I keep my quarters pretty tidy. But I’m not devoted to having items put in particular places, my tables and shelves occasionally have a bit of dust, and I infrequently have to search for items such as my com or handheld computer.

  I wouldn’t have been surprised to discover Resan’s entire life was regimented, running on schedule. If I ran a few seconds late to his training class, I heard about it. Loudly. With lots of profanity. Let’s face it; I’m not the kind of gal who consistently obeys the clock. Especially not since Anrel came along. Babies make any routine a joke.

  I’m sure it’s not only our differing opinions on cleanliness and time management that keeps us at each other’s throats. No, there is a visceral hatred there that possesses no logic. But I discovered a major component of irritation.

  Along with the fact that Dramok Resan is a straight-up asshole.

  That’s why what happened a couple hours later is so un-fucking-fathomable to me. I must be insane. Feru needs to lock me up and throw away the key.

  How can I admit to this? I should pretend it never happened. Except it did. Prophets help me, it did.

  Resan and I began arguing again. No surprise there. I wanted to eat and medicate myself. I was reasonably sure the dinner hour had arrived. My stomach felt hollowed out. My back shrieked misery. Asshole told me I wasn’t close in the schedule for either bit of relief. I accused him of being a sadistic shit bent on torturing me. And so it progressed, our voices rising louder and louder, the curses growing more brutal, the insults uglier.

  Resan threw nutrient pouches and pain tabs at me. “Here, you shrill little bitch! Have it all! Do me a favor and fucking choke on it!”

  I was out of my head with fury. I took the half of a tab due me and had a full dose on top of it. “Damned straight I’ll take it all! Watch me, you hateful shithead!”

  I pulled open a nutrient pouch and swallowed its mealy contents within seconds. In any other situation, I might have compared it to wet sawdust. At that moment, it was as delicious as champagne and caviar. I tore open another pouch and consumed it too.

  The tabs performed their magic. For the first time in hours, I stopped hurting. My head stopped hurting. My entire body stopped hurting. Oh my gosh, it was such a relief.

  Not to mention shoveling a form of food into my gut. The reprieve from agony and being fed made me damned near giddy. I was high on rage as well. Resan had pushed me as he always did, until I was recklessly infuriated and determined to fuck him over. I tore open a third pouch and squeezed a big portion of its contents into my mouth.

  Resan decided I might very well try to eat all our rations. He came after the still-full pouches littered all around my feet. “You stupid cunt! Stop eating all our food!”

  If there’s a ruder word to call a woman, I haven’t heard it. Was I angry before? Not compared to how pissed off I was at that point.

  The instant Resan got close, I spit the nutrient in his face. Then I slapped him, catching the undamaged cheek. What the hell, he might look better if he matched.

  As his mouth dropped open in a soul-satisfying expression of shock, I put my training with Oses to use. I hooked Resan’s ankle and put him on his ass.

  Triumph lit me up like fireworks. Unfortunately, it was too soon to celebrate. Resan had barely hit the floor when he grabbed hold of me and yanked me down on top of him with a furious yell.

  It shouldn’t have been an even mat
ch. Actually, it wasn’t. But it was close. Resan had lost a lot of blood and was weaker than usual. His hands were lumps of agony under the bandages. Plus some remnant of duty kept him from trying to actually injure a woman. Resan pushed, shook, and cursed, but he didn’t hit me.

  I no longer hurt, thanks to the pain inhibitors. I had no compunction about taking out overwhelming anger and fear on him. I punched and kicked at will.

  He was still a lot bigger and stronger than me. We wrestled and screamed, struggling against each other in an outburst of weeks-old loathing.

  I’m not sure how it turned into – damn it, do I have to say it? My whole being wants to deny it. Yet I can’t lie to myself. One moment my fists were raining down on Resan’s shoulders, my feet digging at the floor in an effort to launch myself from him. He sat on the floor, and I’d ended up sitting on his thighs. His hands had hold of my upper arms, trying to control me. We were nose to nose, shrieking wordless fury.

  And then we were kissing. Well, sort of. Our mouths plastered together. Our tongues jostled, battling as violently as our bodies had. Our teeth bit at flesh. We drew blood. We tore at each other’s clothing, attacking but with a different goal. Or maybe not. I wanted to wound him, but somehow that urge had gotten twisted into also wanting to fuck.

  We were brutal with each other. The instant we’d pushed enough clothing aside, I got hold of his wet cocks and shoved them toward my pussy and ass. He crammed himself in me, all power and no finesse.

  I shouted with mingled hurt and ecstasy as Resan took me violently. I’d had rough sex before, but never sex where I wanted to simultaneously damage my partner. I bounced on his groin, wanting to see him grimace in torment while I wallowed in pleasure. And yes, damn that bastard, he felt good. Thick, hard, good, good, good, good, good.

  Then he twisted his legs to the side, allowing him to rise up on his knees. The position robbed me of leverage and control. Resan whipsawed his hips, fucking me so fast that our sexes should have caught fire. He drove up with brutality, hitting something that insisted it shouldn’t be hit. I screamed and struggled to break free, but his arms wrapped tight around me. He held me still, making me take it.

  He dealt in rapture and pain, my Achilles heel. I came, yanking handfuls of the Dramok’s wavy hair so harshly that his head jerked. Somehow the monstrous orgasm that walloped me added to my strength. I managed to heave Resan off balance so that we fell over. Then we were rolling, each trying to claim dominance over the other. Even as we fought, our lower bodies pounded against each other, intent on satisfying needs as primitive as our hatred.

  When the telltale tightening of my channels signaled another approaching climax, I consciously bore down on Resan’s pricks. I clamped around him, demanding he surrender to me. I would win this battle. I would force him to succumb.

  I had my victory, but it came with capitulation of my own. His cocks jerked within me as my sleeves flexed in glorious release. Our yells subsided into groans as we yielded to each other. Our violent thrashing faded into helpless shudders. Then limbs slid away from each opponent as we wilted from spent passion.

  We separated without a word, crawling to huddle at opposite edges of our little clearing. I pulled my clothes where they belonged with shaking hands. I doubt if Resan could stand to look at me. I sure as hell couldn’t look at him. Not after that. I felt sick, wondering what the fuck was wrong with me that I could have had sex with that man.

  Madness.

  August 27

  I slept for I don’t know how long. I woke up and my first thought was, I screwed Resan.

  That is a realization no one should wake up to.

  I squeezed my eyes shut again, as if I could deny what had happened by denying the world beyond. No, the awful truth was there in all its ugliness. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’d really done that.

  Was there no limit to my libido? Did I have absolutely no boundaries? Ugh, I was so disgusted with me. I was a terrible person. I wanted to punch my own crotch. According to it, fucking Resan had been fine since I’d come twice. Stupid pussy.

  Fuuuuuck.

  I shifted and groaned from the depths of my bowels. I’d slept long enough for the meds to wear off, and I was a huge hurt. Another thing to add to my list of woes. I could barely handle sitting up.

  I might not have bothered to try except for the number one worry on that list: Anrel. Damn it, I had to find a way out of there and find her. The desperation had grown over the hours, along with my anguish.

  With her on my mind, I found the strength to check my companion. He stared at me with an expression that could best be described as loathing. Excellent. Our mistake hadn’t changed his mind about me either.

  Before I could say a word, he spat out, “We are not talking about what happened.”

  I would have been relieved if I wasn’t in so much pain. “Perfect. I prefer to leave my mistakes in the past.”

  My attitude seemed helped him relax a little. I guess he’d been worried I’d profess undying love or some stupid shit. Ha! The sex had been good in a vicious manner, but not that damned good.

  The case with our supplies was in the middle of our clearing. At some point while I’d slept, Resan had replaced all the stuff he’d thrown at me. I crawled over to it in a slow, hunched manner, the best I could muster with the horrendous agony I was in. I thought he might bitch about rationing, but he stayed silent.

  I stared at the contents and considered before taking half a tab of medicine. The nutrient pouches held no interest for me, not with my interlude with Resan weighing on my mind. Besides, I’d been foolhardy, wasting our rations because of my temper. It had been a stupid move on my part, no matter how pissed off I’d been.

  I gave the meds a couple of minutes to work, crouched as motionless as I could stay over the case. When some of the torment ebbed, I cautiously stretched. A lot of ouch remained, but at least I could move without wanting to tear various body parts off.

  I stood and peered at the room wearily. Resan had cleared more at some point, giving us more space to not interact with each other. I glanced at him, noting his face was more swollen than before. The skin around his closed eye had gone black.

  I was pretty certain I wasn’t any lovelier to gaze at. My back was so inflamed that I’d turned into a hunchback. No doubt the rough sex hadn’t done me any favors.

  Jeez, I’d again reminded myself that I’d fucked Resan. I glared at the door. Prophets help me, there had to be a route out of there. I had to escape him and find Anrel.

  As if in answer to my unspoken prayer, the com on my belt suddenly spoke in Oses’s voice. “Shalia, can you hear me?”

  Resan shot to his feet as I cried aloud in my joy. I snatched the com to my lips. “Oses, thank God! Is Anrel okay?”

  The gruff but relieved voice on the other end couldn’t have been a more beautiful sound. “She’s all right. She and Betra are in the escape shuttle. They’re still in the bay. Evacuating would have been more dangerous than keeping everyone on board.”

  “Were we attacked by those ships that have been tracking us?”

  “Yes. They hit us hard and fast. They swarmed all over the convoy.”

  The room rocked for a moment as a mixture of relief and horror made me dizzy. Anrel was okay. Betra had her, and she was fine. I thanked God, Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed in a breathless stream of gratitude, along with the Kalquorian Mother of All. Tears flooded my eyes.

  “Shalia, are you all right? Is Resan alive, or are you on your own?”

  I caught my breath and ordered my thoughts. “We’ve been better, but we’ll live as long as the food and water hold out. The door is buckled and jammed shut. We can’t bust out of his training room.”

  “I’m not surprised. Your section of the ship is heavily damaged. I’m standing outside the area with a transmitter so I can talk to you. The ship’s com in that section is out of commission. We’ve also lost signal buffers in the area for portable transmissions.”

  My heart fell. “Will my porta
ble range reach Betra in the bay?”

  “No, pet. I promise Anrel is doing fine though. I’m touching base with Betra every hour to make sure he has all he needs to take care of her.”

  I swallowed my disappointment that I couldn’t send my voice to Anrel or maybe hear her in return. “Oses, what exactly happened to do so much damage?”

  “During the attack, Tragoom scouts managed to fight through our fighters and attach explosives to the hull. There have been several breaches.”

  Resan muttered, “That’s what we felt happening to the ship. I thought it seemed more severe than laser cannons or percussion blasts.”

  I looked at his face and bandaged hands. I also thought about friends close to our section. “Oses, what about Medical?”

  “It’s intact. All they lost were a few instruments and a full-sized scanner, thank the ancestors.”