Shalia's Diary Omnibus

by Tracy St. John

  I relaxed a touch. “You can’t talk garbage about Kalquorians around her. Her father is Kalquorian. She’ll live on Kalquor. Putting part of her heritage down is the same as insulting her.”

  Her lips thinned. “I would never insult my grandchild. Your faults and her father’s – whoever he is – are not hers.”

  “Fine. As long as you remember that, you can continue to see her.”

  I was more in the mood to have done with the rollercoaster of Mom. But if she could behave herself around Anrel, I wouldn’t deny my child contact with her remaining biological grandparent. It was a shaky truce, but I could live with it. For now.

  Mom’s rehab interrupted any further conversation that might have derailed our precarious détente. I was relieved to have an excuse to hurry the hell out of there. I didn’t have parental approval, but at least I could hope Anrel wouldn’t suffer from our disagreement.

  Kini applauded me. “It’s a start,” he reassured. “As Matara Eve progresses with her behavioral control, it’ll get even better. I’m sure of it.”

  At least someone is optimistic. I’ve run out of that quality where my mother is concerned.

  Clan Aslada took me to a fancy brunch to celebrate me surmounting yet another bump in the road with Mom’s recovery. I didn’t have much appetite to start with after my conversation. However, the open-air hilltop restaurant was so pretty, sitting high enough that I imagined I could put my hand up and touch the fluffy cottonball clouds overhead. It’s hard to be angsty surrounded by rolling lands covered in rainbows of wildflowers.

  When you have three men doting on you as if you’re God’s gift to Kalquor…well, that’s not bad either.

  The restaurant was set up like the world’s most extravagant picnic. We lounged on billowy seating cushions scattered on the lush grass. I was curled in the middle of the shelter of Aslada, Meyso, and Jaon, who held me and jockeyed to feed me the food that the attentive waitstaff brought us. Two men wandered amongst the diners, playing soft bell-like music with instruments I’d never seen before. Aslada tipped them heavily to play a Plasian love song. It was romance with a capital R, the kind of sweetness that only happens in teenage fantasy.

  Between stuffing my face with delicious delicacies, Aslada, Meyso, and Jaon stroked my hair and back, dropped gentle kisses on my face at the least opportunity, and whispered both naughty and sweet notions in my ears. There were at least two dozen other groups sitting on that hilltop, some of whom had hailed their governor when we’d arrived. Clan Aslada had no worries about the public display of affection they showered on me, though a lot of it was super mushy. Even Jaon made no bones about being caring as he petted and tended to me.

  I nearly forgot about my issues with Mom, only experiencing a moment’s sadness that she’d never known the devoted attention I was receiving. I couldn’t dwell on that however, not with Aslada, Meyso, and Jaon making such a fuss over me. I sank into the sweetness of the attention, the cherished woman I wished to be.

  Mom might not approve, but I sure do. All may not be right in my world, but I have amazing moments that I appreciate. She can’t take that away from me. I won’t let anyone steal the bright future I’m sure is possible.

  November 17

  I reluctantly dragged myself into the clinic this morning. Who knew what drama Mom would spring on me today?

  She’d been on her best behavior yesterday afternoon when I brought Anrel in for a visit. As sweet as honey, she’d played with the baby until they were both bubbling with giggles. To me, she was cordial though distant. She spoke not a single word to Clan Aslada, who also visited. They may as well have not been there.

  I had Anrel with me this morning, hoping that the buffer of baby would keep us on an even keel once more. The guys were doing other tasks such as checking in with their work. Even though they’d taken leave to be with me, they’re important enough that they can’t stay completely out of the loop.

  Just me and Anrel and my worries over whether Mom would continue to be on her best behavior.

  It was no wonder I was delighted to find Matara Elwa hovering outside Mom’s door, waiting for us. Mom acts as if she respects Elwa. With Betra’s mom around, she had more incentive to be nice.

  Elwa came up to me and gave me a hug. Anrel got a kiss. I was startled when Elwa steered us from Mom’s room.

  “Let’s go out to the flower garden. I want to have a talk with you.”

  “Please tell me it’s going to be a pleasant conversation,” I begged as I fell into step with her. We headed for the nearby exit that would take us out to the clinic’s popular serenity garden. “I’ve had all the ugly I can take.”

  “I’ve heard.” Elwa’s arm circled my waist, and she pressed a gentle kiss to my temple. “Eve is struggling and taking it out on you. You’ve both got me worried.”

  We stepped outside. Elwa’s confident steps told me she’d arranged our private talk well before my arrival. The cloth mat laying on the circle of grass on the far side of the garden, perfect for Anrel to play on, proved that. I put the baby on her tummy, along with a few toys, while Elwa folded herself elegantly on a seating cushion. I sat on the other cushion close by.

  Elwa took my hands. I glanced at her fingers, noting they were somewhat thick and blocky. Strong hands. Hands as capable as the woman they belonged to.

  “Poor Shalia,” Elwa sighed. “You’ve done your best to be a good daughter, but it’s not been enough, has it?”

  “I can handle her rages. I have all my life. But I won’t allow her to upset Anrel. That is non-negotiable.”

  “People will come along you can’t protect your daughter from.”

  “I’m not so naïve that I don’t realize the real world will deliver its share of nastiness. My issue is that Anrel shouldn’t be exposed to it by her own flesh and blood. Family is sacred. She should be safe around her grandmother.”

  Elwa nodded. “I see your point. I agree with it. The question is, is Eve capable of offering that safety?”

  “That’s the root of the problem.” I looked Elwa in the eye. “I don’t want to cut them off from each other. I really don’t. You have to understand, I’m Anrel’s last line of defense. I can’t toss her in the arena unprotected.”

  “You must do what you think is best for your child,” Elwa said. “That’s a mother’s chief duty. We don’t always succeed. In fact, we often trip ourselves up and make terrible mistakes. But we do what seems right at the time.”

  I squeezed her hands. “I wish I could have these kinds of conversations with Mom. Why couldn’t she have been more like you?”

  Elwa chuckled. “That was not her destiny, I suppose. Thank you for the compliment, Shalia. If it helps any, I would have loved to have had you for a daughter.”

  It did help. Being regarded that highly by Elwa made me feel I wasn’t such a lost cause after all.

  Elwa turned serious. “Shalia, Eve is who she is. She’s who you have. Trust me when I tell you, you will miss her when you don’t have her any longer, when there’s no hope of reconciliation.”

  “I’ve thought about it plenty over the last few months. She’s making it hard to keep that in mind.”

  Elwa stroked my hair, caring for me, again being the mother I wanted Eve Monroe to be. “You’re tired of being beat up on. Taking a step back is fine. Essential during this trying period, for both your sakes. But you can’t say the relationship is done until she’s passed on.”

  “I can if her presence is damaging to Anrel.”

  “It won’t be. Eve loves that child.” Elwa smiled at the gurgling baby, chewing on a soft ring. She turned to me and regarded me for several seconds, as if weighing some heavy matter in her mind. “Damn it. I despise when I have to betray a confidence.”

  I gazed at her in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “I promised Eve I wouldn’t tell you what she shared with me. I think you need to hear it though, because I believe it’s part of what’s fueling her attacks.”

  I b
linked. What could Mom have told Elwa in confidence?

  She blew out a breath. “Yes, you have to hear this. Shalia, she loves you. Every bit as much as you love Anrel, and that’s the truth. She realizes the mistakes she’s made as your mother. She comprehends how her mental challenges complicated your relationship. Her guilt is devastating.”

  Was that all? “She’s told me during her depressed periods how sorry she is about all that. She puts a lot of blame on herself.”

  “You know, but you don’t know. Especially now that she’s living with a clearer head. Part of what she loathes about having the bipolar and dementia issues cured is that she can no longer hide behind them. She sees who she’s been and wishes she could erase it. Especially when it comes to you.” Elwa swiped at a tear that leaked down her cheek. “She thinks she failed you at every turn. She hates herself for that. It’s eating her up.”

  “Then why is she treating me this way?” I wanted to shout in my frustration.

  “Because she thinks she doesn’t merit a relationship with you. Or Anrel. She wants it more than anything, but feels she doesn’t deserve it. So she’s driving you away.”

  I stared at Elwa. Was that it? Was that the reason behind Mom’s vicious behavior with me? Not because I’d forced her to receive treatment or because I had sex with Kalquorians. But because she was certain she’d ruined her right to having a daughter and granddaughter?

  Elwa nodded, seeing the truth dawning on me. “She’s inflicted damage, but perhaps she herself is her biggest victim. I’m not saying you should excuse the way she’s treating you, but you can at least understand it?”

  I shook my head, as if that would make my brain piece together the ramifications of what Elwa suggested. I couldn’t come to grips with it.

  She hugged me hard. “Eve has not been perfect. Perhaps she wasn’t even a good mother. She’s still your mother, one you must have been grateful for at one time or another. That makes her worthwhile. That makes her worth fighting for, even as she’s fighting against you.”

  Spoken like a true mom.

  November 18

  I was shaken awake before sunrise by the clan. I was sleeping in their room after a romp-a-licious night of fun. I found it hard to rouse. “What? Wassat?” I mumbled.

  “Get up, Shalia.” Meyso’s voice was thick with sleep. “A call came in from Kini. Matara Eve is hysterical and they can’t calm her down. They don’t want to sedate her until they find out what’s wrong. She’s demanding you come immediately.”

  Good morning, life. I bet it’s Monday on Earth.

  If we’d slept more than an hour, I’ll kiss a Tragoom. I was reminded Kalquorians need a lot less sleep than Earthers did by how quickly the clan became alert. Particularly Jaon, who appeared as ready to rumble as ever.

  Even Meyso, who had been almost as out of it as I was when I woke, had his shit together within seconds. “I’ve commed the medical staff, and all her numbers are in normal range,” he reported as he helped me pull clothes on and untangle my hair. “This seems to be a purely emotional issue. She’s in no physical danger.”

  “Okay.” I staggered in circles as he finished getting me ready. “I’ll see if I can calm her down. Can I borrow a shuttle?” Thank goodness Aslada had started teaching me to fly the Kalquorian version of a personal craft. I could handle his pretty well by now.

  Bless those men, the whole clan came with me despite my protestations that they didn’t need to. Jaon piloted while Aslada and Meyso ensured I had coffee to pour down my throat so I’d wake up. By the time we reached the clinic, my skull still felt as if it weighed a ton, but my eyes were open.

  I could hear Mom sobbing as I stepped into the lobby. Her voice broken with grief, she kept pleading, “Where’s Sha-Sha-Shalia? I nuh-need Shalia.”

  I rushed into her room. “I’m here, Mom.”

  She exploded into tears. Her desperate entreaties became, “Don’t hate me, baby. I’m so sorry. Don’t hate me.”

  The relief on Dr. Kini’s face was palpable. He’d seen Mom enraged and spiteful, but he’d never witnessed her in the throes of a major depressive episode. Which was what she was having. I’d seen this before.

  I sat on the side of her bed and used her bedsheet as a tissue, wiping the streaming tears off her cheeks. “I don’t hate you, Mom. I get mad, the same as you do, but I don’t hate you.”

  “I had a dream. You were screaming you hated me, and you would make Anrel hate me too.” She was inconsolable.

  Yep, this was exactly as I’d seen her throughout my existence. I glared at Meyso. “This is a massive depression attack. I thought the surgery was going to fix it so she didn’t have these kinds of lows anymore.”

  He was consulting a computer screen on the other side of Mom’s bed. “The chemical regulation is normal, love. Occasionally, depression is simply depression.”

  Kini, looking as if he’d been woken in the middle of the night the same as us, smoothed his ruffled hair. “That’s true. Matara Eve has been under tremendous stress. All the same issues that angered her are now feeding this reaction. It’s the same problem, just a different emotion.”

  Perhaps they believed it was normal for her to be bawling in the middle of the night, but it was the same shit I’d known since childhood. Damn it, why couldn’t there be a magic cure-all for my mother? I was angry and knew why. Despite the warnings of Meyso, Tep, Feru, and the other medical professionals I’d consulted with, some part of me had expected a miracle. It hadn’t happened, and Mom continued to suffer. Maybe worse than before.

  Why had we bothered? Nothing had changed, except for the setting. I had made a mistake in trying to ‘cure’ Mom. I’d played God with her life, and God laughed at me.

  Mom broke into my hopeless ruminations. “Make them leave, Shalia. Make the rest of them go away.”

  I sighed and waved the rest toward the door. “This could take a while, so go nap or whatever.”

  Aslada came over first, brushing a consoling kiss across my lips. “We’ll be close. If you need any help, call us in.”

  Jaon and Meyso also kissed me and murmured encouragement. Kini said he’d be nearby. I knew he’d hover outside the door, listening in and gathering information on the latest Eve meltdown in the hope of making her brain nice and pretty for society.

  When it was just her and me, I smiled gently, trying to soothe her as I had so often before. “Now, as for that dream. It was only a nightmare. Not real. Didn’t I bring Anrel to see you these last two days? I’m not taking her from her mimi, who loves her so much.”

  “I wish I were dead.” Mom’s breath hitched as she looked away from me. At least she was no longer sobbing. “I have no place here. I have no life. You should have left me on Earth to die.”

  “I couldn’t do any such thing. I love you. You drive me nuts, to the point where I could strangle you, but I do love you.”

  Mom’s lined face creased with torment. “What am I supposed to do with myself? I’m weak. I’m too old to be of any use to anyone. I don’t have skills to support myself. Have you seen this technology? We didn’t have half this stuff on Earth.”

  “Mom, no one expects you to work. I’ll take care of you. The clans who have asked to court me have already sworn you’d be welcome in their home if I am compatible enough to be their Matara.”

  She crooked a brow at me. “Al, Jay, and Mikey said that? You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  I winked. “They committed to it before they met you, but they haven’t rescinded the offer. I think it’s still good.”

  “I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere.”

  “Of course you do. You have to be somewhere, right?”

  A few more tears leaked from her eyes. “How can I? I’m not even myself anymore. I don’t know this person in my mind.” She blinked at me, fear bleeding into her expression. “It isn’t me. I try to find myself and be myself, but it’s as if another person has taken over. I feel I’ve been erased.”

  Oh God. It
was exactly what I’d feared when I decided to let them treat the bipolar disorder. She’d lost herself. She acted like the mother I’d grown up with, but she was saying that person was gone. It wasn’t me or the doctors Mom was fighting. She was fighting this unknown person who had assumed her identity.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “Mom, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean this to happen to you. I only wanted you to be happy.”

  “What do I do?” she whispered back, as frightened as a child. “What do I do with this person who isn’t me?”

  I had no answer for her.

  Mom finally calmed down enough to sleep. Kini told me that this disclosure was a step in the right direction.