Once on a Time

by A. A. Milne

  CHAPTER XI

  WATERCRESS SEEMS TO GO WITH THE EARS

  Wiggs gave a parting pat to the tablecloth and stood looking at itwith her head on one side.

  "Now, then," she said, "have we got everything?"

  "What about sardines?" said Woggs in her common way. (I don't knowwhat she's doing in this scene at all, but Roger Scurvilegs insists onit.)

  "I don't think a _Prince_ would like _sardines_," said Wiggs.

  "If _I'd_ been on a long journey, I'd _love_ sardines. It _is_ a verylong journey from Araby, isn't it?"

  "Awful long. Why, it's taken him nearly a week. Perhaps," she addedhopefully, "he's had something on the way."

  "Perhaps he took some sandwiches with him," said Woggs, thinking thatthis would be a good thing to do.

  "What do you think he'll be like, Woggs?"

  Woggs though for a long time.

  "Like the King," she said. "Only different," she added, as anafterthought.

  Up came the Princess for the fifth time that afternoon, allexcitement.

  "Well," she said, "is everything ready?"

  "Yes, your Royal Highness. Except Woggs and me didn't quite knowabout sardines."

  The Princess laughed happily.

  "I think there will be enough there for him. It all looks very nice."

  She turned round and discovered behind her the last person she wantedto see just then.

  The-last-person-she-wanted-to-see-just-then curtsied effectively.

  "Forgive me, your Royal Highness," she said profusely, "but I thoughtI had left Charlotte Patacake's priceless manuscript up here. No;evidently I was mistaken, your Royal Highness. I will withdraw, yourRoyal Highness, as I know your Royal Highness would naturally wish toreceive his Royal Highness alone."

  Listening to this speech one is impressed with Woggs' method ofcalling everybody "Mum."

  "Not at all, Countess," said Hyacinth coldly. "We would prefer you tostay and help us receive his Royal Highness. He is a little late, Ithink."

  Belvane looked unspeakably distressed.

  "Oh, I do _hope_ that nothing has happened to him on the way," sheexclaimed. "I've an uneasy feeling that something may have occurred."

  _Princess Hyacinth gave a shriek and faltered slowlybackwards_]

  "What could have happened to him?" asked Hyacinth, not apparently verymuch alarmed.

  "Oh, your Royal Highness, it's just a sort of silly feeling of mine.There may be nothing in it."

  There was a noise of footsteps from below; a man's voice was heard.The Princess and the Countess, both extremely nervous, but fromentirely different reasons, arranged suitable smiles of greeting upontheir faces; Wiggs and Woggs stood in attitudes of appropriatemeekness by the table. The Court Painter could have made a beautifulpicture of it.

  "His Royal Highness Prince Udo of Araby," announced the voice of anattendant.

  "A nervous moment," said Belvane to herself. "Can the ring havefailed to act?"

  Udo trotted in.

  "It hasn't," said Belvane.

  Princess Hyacinth gave a shriek, and faltered slowly backwards; Wiggs,who was familiar with these little accidents in the books which shedusted, and Woggs, who had a natural love for any kind of animal,stood their ground.

  "Whatever is it?" murmured Hyacinth.

  It was as well that Belvane was there.

  "Allow me to present to your Royal Highness," she said, steppingforward, "his Royal Highness Prince Udo of Araby."

  "Prince _Udo?_" said Hyacinth, all unwilling to believe it.

  "I'm afraid so," said Udo gloomily. He had thought over this meetinga good deal in the last two or three days, and he realised now that hehad underestimated the difficulties of it.

  Hyacinth remembered that she was a Princess and a woman.

  "I'm delighted to welcome your Royal Highness to Euralia," she said."Won't you sit down--I mean up--er, down." (How _did_ rabbits sit?Or whatever he was?)

  Udo decided to sit up.

  "Thank you. You've no idea how difficult it is to talk on four legsto somebody higher up. It strains the neck so."

  There was an awkward silence. Nobody quite knew what to say.

  Except Belvane.

  She turned to Udo with her most charming smile. "Did you have apleasant journey?" she asked sweetly.

  "No," said Udo coldly.

  "Oh, do tell us what happened to you?" cried Hyacinth. "Did you meetsome terrible enchanter on the way? Oh, I am so dreadfully sorry."

  When one is not feeling very well there is a certain type of questionwhich is always annoying.

  "Can't you _see_ what's happened to me?" said Udo crossly. "I don'tknow _how_ it happened. I had come two days' journey from Araby,when----"

  "Please, your Royal Highness," said Wiggs, "is this _your_ tail in thesalt?" She took it out, gave it a shake, and handed it back to him.

  "Oh, thank you, thank you--two days' journey from Araby when I woke upone afternoon and found myself like this. I ask you to imagine myannoyance. My first thought naturally was to return home and hidemyself; but I told myself, Princess, that _you_ wanted me."

  The Princess could not help being touched by this, said as it was witha graceful movement of the ears and a caressing of the right whisker,but she wondered a little what she would do with him now that she hadgot him.

  "Er--what _are_ you?" put in Belvane kindly, knowing how men arealways glad to talk about themselves.

  Udo had caught sight of a well-covered table, and was looking at itwith a curious mixture of hope and resignation.

  "Very, very hungry," he said, speaking with the air of one who knows.

  The Princess, whose mind had been travelling, woke up suddenly.

  "Oh, I was forgetting my manners," she said with a smile for which thegreediest would have forgiven her. "Let us sit down and refreshourselves. May I present to your Royal Highness the CountessBelvane."

  "Do I shake hands or pat him?" murmured that mistress of Courtetiquette, for once at a loss.

  Udo placed a paw over his heart and bowed profoundly.

  "Charmed," he said gallantly, and coming from a cross between a lion,a rabbit, and a woolly lamb the merest suggestion of gallantry has amost pleasing effect.

  They grouped themselves round the repast.

  "A little sherbet, your Royal Highness?" said Hyacinth, who presidedover the bowl.

  Udo was evidently longing to say yes, but hesitated.

  "I wonder if I dare."

  "It's very good sherbet," said Wiggs, to encourage him.

  "I'm sure it is, my dear. But the question is, Do I like sherbet?"

  "You can't help knowing if you like _sherbet_."

  "Don't bother him, Wiggs," said Hyacinth, "a venison sandwich, dearPrince?"

  "The question is, Do I like venison sandwiches?"

  "_I_ do," announced Woggs to any one who was interested.

  "You see," explained Udo, "I really don't know _what_ I like."

  They were all surprised at this, particularly Woggs. Belvane, who wasenjoying herself too much to wish to do anything but listen, saidnothing, and it was the Princess who obliged Udo by asking him what hemeant. It was a subject upon which he was longing to let himself goto somebody.

  "Well," he said, expanding himself a little, so that Wiggs had toremove his tail this time from the custard, "what am I?"

  Nobody ventured to offer an opinion.

  "Am I a hare? Then put me next to the red currant jelly, or whateverit is that hares like."

  The anxious eye of the hostess wandered over the table.

  "Am I a lion?" went on Udo, developing his theme. "Then pass meWiggs."

  "Oh, please don't be a lion," said Wiggs gently, as she stroked hismane.

  "But haven't you a feeling for anything?" asked Hyacinth.

  "I have a great feeling of emptiness. I yearn for _something_, only Idon't quite know what."

  "I hope it isn't sardines," whispered Wiggs to Woggs.


  "But what have you been eating on the way?" asked the Princess.

  "Oh, grass and things chiefly. I thought I should be safe withgrass."

  "And were you--er--safe?" asked Belvane, with a great show of anxiety.

  Udo coughed and said nothing.

  "I know it's silly of me," said Hyacinth, "but I still don't quiteunderstand. I should have thought that if you were a--a----"

  "Quite so," said Udo.

  "--then you would have known by instinct what a--a----"

  "Exactly," said Udo.

  "Likes to eat."

  "Ah, I thought you'd think that. That's just what I thought whenthis--when I began to feel unwell. But I've worked it out since, andit's all wrong."

  "This _is_ interesting," said Belvane, settling herself morecomfortably. "_Do_ go on."

  "Well, when----" He coughed and looked round at them coyly. "This isreally rather a delicate subject."

  "Not at all," murmured Hyacinth.

  "Well, it's like this. When an enchanter wants to annoy you hegenerally turns you into an animal of some kind."

  Belvane achieved her first blush since she was seventeen.

  "It _is_ a humorous way they have," she said.

  "But suppose you really were an animal altogether, it wouldn't annoyyou at all. An elephant isn't annoyed at being an elephant; he justtries to be a good elephant, and he'd be miserable if he couldn't dothings with his trunk. The annoying thing is to look like an elephant,to have the very complicated--er--inside of an elephant, and yet allthe time really to be a man."

  They were all intensely interested. Woggs thought that it was goingto lead up to a revelation of what sort of animal Prince Udo reallywas, but in this she was destined to be disappointed. After all therewere advantages in Udo's present position. As a man he had never beenlistened to so attentively.

  "Now suppose for a moment I am a lion. I have the--er--delicateapparatus of a lion, but the beautiful thoughts and aspirations of aPrince. Thus there is one--er--side of me which craves for raw beef,but none the less there is a higher side of me" (he brought his paw uptowards his heart), "which--well, you know how _you'd_ feel about ityourself."

  The Princess shuddered.

  "I _should_," she said, with conviction.

  Belvane was interested, but thought it all a little crude.

  "You see the point," went on Udo. "A baby left to itself doesn't knowwhat is good for it. Left to itself it would eat anything. Now turna man suddenly into an animal and he is in exactly the same state asthat baby."

  "I hadn't thought of it like that," said Hyacinth.

  "I've _had_ to think of it! Now let us proceed further with thematter." Udo was thoroughly enjoying himself. He had not had such atime since he had given an address on Beetles to all the leadingcitizens of Araby at his coming-of-age. "Suppose again that I am alion. I know from what I have read or seen that raw meat agrees bestwith the lion's--er--organisation, and however objectionable it mightlook I should be foolish not to turn to it for sustenance. But if youdon't quite know what animal you're supposed to be, see how difficultthe problem becomes. It's a question of trying all sorts of horriblethings in order to find out what agrees with you." His eyes took on afaraway look, a look in which the most poignant memories seem to bereflected. "I've been experimenting," he said, "for the last threedays."

  They all gazed sadly and sympathetically at him. Except Belvane. Sheof course wouldn't.

  "What went best?" she asked brightly.

  "Oddly enough," said Udo, cheering up a little, "banana fritters.Have you ever kept any animal who lived entirely on banana fritters?"

  "Never," smiled the Princess.

  "Well, that's the animal I probably am." He sighed and added, "Therewere one or two animals I wasn't." For a little while he seemed to berevolving bitter memories, and then went on, "I don't suppose any ofyou here have any idea how very prickly thistles are when they aregoing down. Er--may I try a watercress sandwich? It doesn't suit thetail, but it seems to go with the ears." He took a large bite andadded through the leaves, "I hope I don't bore you, Princess, with mylittle troubles."

  Hyacinth clasped his paw impulsively.

  "My dear Prince Udo, I'm only longing to help. We must think of someway of getting this horrible enchantment off you. There are so manywise books in the library, and my father has composed a spellwhich--oh, I'm sure we shall soon have you all right again."

  Udo took another sandwich.

  "Very good of you, Princess, to say so. You understand how annoying alittle indisposition of this kind is to a man of my temperament." Hebeckoned to Wiggs. "How do you make these?" he asked in an undertone.

  Gracefully undulating, Belvane rose from her seat.

  "Well," she said, "I must go and see that the stable----" she brokeoff in a pretty confusion--"How _silly_ of me, I mean the RoyalApartment is prepared. Have I your Royal Highness's leave towithdraw?"

  She had.

  "And, Wiggs, dear, you too had better run along and see if you canhelp. You may leave the watercress sandwiches," she added, as Wiggshesitated for a moment.

  With a grateful look at her Royal Highness Udo helped himself toanother one.