Once on a Time

by A. A. Milne

  CHAPTER XXI

  A SERPENT COMING AFTER UDO

  Belvane had now had twenty-four hours in which to think it over.

  Whatever her faults, she had a sense of humour. She could not helpsmiling to herself as she thought of that scene in the garden.However much she regretted her too hasty engagement, she was sure Udoregretted it still more. If she gave him the least opportunity hewould draw back from it.

  Then why not give him the opportunity? "My dear Prince Udo, I'mafraid I mistook the nature of my feelings"--said, of course, withdowncast head and a maidenly blush. Exit Udo with haste, enter KingMerriwig. It would be so easy.

  Ah, but then Hyacinth would have won. Hyacinth had forced theengagement upon her; even if it only lasted for twenty-four hours, solong as it was a forced engagement, Hyacinth would have had the betterof her for that time. But if she welcomed the engagement, if shemanaged in some way to turn it to account, to make it appear as if shehad wanted it all the time, then Hyacinth's victory would be novictory at all, but a defeat.

  Marry Udo, then, as if willingly? Yes, but that was too high a priceto pay. She was by this time thoroughly weary of him and besides, shehad every intention of marrying the King of Euralia. To pretend tomarry him until she brought the King in open conflict with him, andthen having led the King to her feet to dismiss the rival who hadserved her turn--that was her only wise course.

  She did not come to this conclusion without much thought. She composedan Ode to Despair, an Elegy to an Unhappy Woman, and a Triolet toInterfering Dukes, before her mind was made up. She also consideredvery seriously what she would look like in a little cottage in themiddle of the forest, dressed in a melancholy grey and holdingcommunion only with the birds and trees; a life of retirement awayfrom the vain world; a life into which no man came. It had itsattractions, but she decided that grey did not suit her.

  She went down to her garden and sent for Prince Udo. At about themoment when the King was having the terrible news broken to him, Udowas protesting over the sundial that he loved Belvane and Belvaneonly, and that he was looking forward eagerly to the day when shewould make him the happiest of men. So afraid was he of what mighthappen to him on the way back to Araby.

  "The Countess Belvane!" cried Merriwig. "Prince Udo marry theCountess Belvane! I never heard such a thing in my life." He glaredat them one after the other as if it were their fault--as indeed itwas. "Why didn't you tell me this before, Hyacinth?"

  "It was only just announced, Father."

  "Who announced it?"

  "Well--er--Udo did," said Coronel.

  "I never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life! I won't haveit!"

  "But, Father, don't you think she'd make a very good Queen?"

  "She'd make a wonderful--that has nothing to do with it. What I feelso strongly about is this. For month after month I am fighting in astrange country. After extraordinary scenes of violence and--peril--Icome back to my own home to enjoy the--er--fruits of victory. Nosooner do I get inside my door than I have all this thrust upon me."

  "All what, Father?" said Hyacinth innocently.

  "All _this_," said the King, with a circular movement of his hand."It's too bad; upon my word it is. I won't have it. Now mind,Hyacinth, I _won't_ have it.

  "But, Father, how can I help it?"

  Merriwig paid no attention to her.

  "I come home," he went on indignantly, "fresh from the--er--spoils ofvictory to what I thought was my own peaceful--er--home. And what doI find? Somebody here wants to marry somebody there, and somebodyelse over there wants to marry somebody else over here; it'simpossible to mention any person's name, in even the most casual way,without being told they are going to get married, or some nonsense ofthat sort. I'm very much upset about it."

  "Oh, Father!" said Hyacinth penitently. "Won't you see the Countessyourself and talk to her?"

  "To think that for weeks I have been looking forward to my return homeand that now I should be met with this! It has quite spoilt my day."

  "Father!" cried Hyacinth, coming towards him with outstretched hands.

  "Let me send for her ladyship," began Coronel; "perhaps she----"

  "No, no," said Merriwig, waving them away. "I am very much displeasedwith you both. What I have to do, I can do quite well by myself."

  He strode out and slammed the door behind him.

  Hyacinth and Coronel looked at each other blankly.

  "My dear," said Coronel, "you never told me he was as fond of her asthat."

  "But I had no idea! Coronel, what can we do now about it? Oh, I wanthim to marry her now. He's quite right--she'll make a wonderfulQueen. Oh, my dear, I feel I want everybody to be as happy as we'regoing to be."

  "They can't be that, but we'll do our best for them. I can manage Udoall right. I only have to say 'rabbits' to him, and he'll do anythingfor me. Hyacinth, I don't believe I've ever kissed you in this roomyet, have I? Let's begin now."

  Merriwig came upon the other pair of lovers in Belvane's garden. Theywere sharing a seat there, and Udo was assuring the Countess that hewas her own little Udo-Wudo, and that they must never be away fromeach other again. The King put his hand in front of his eyes for amoment as if he could hardly bear it.

  "Why, it's his Majesty," said Belvane, jumping up. She gave him adeep curtsey and threw in a bewitching smile on the top of it;formality or friendliness, he could take his choice. "Prince Udo ofAraby, your Majesty." She looked shyly at him and added, "Perhaps youhave heard."

  "I have," said the King gloomingly. "How do you do," he added in amelancholy voice.

  Udo declared that he was in excellent health at present, and wouldhave gone into particulars about it had not the King interrupted.

  "Well, Countess," he said, "this is strange news to come back to.Shall I disturb you if I sit down with you for little?"

  "Oh, your Majesty, you would honour us. Udo, dear, have you seen theheronry lately?"

  "Yes," said Udo.

  "It looks so sweet just about this time of the afternoon."

  "It does," said Udo.

  Belvane gave a little shrug and turned to the King.

  "I'm so longing to hear all your adventures," she murmuredconfidingly. "I got all your messages; it was so good of you toremember me."

  "Ah," said Merriwig reproachfully, "and what do I find when I comeback? I find----" He broke off, and indicated in pantomime with hiseyebrows that he could explain better what he had found if Udo wereabsent.

  "Udo, dear," said Belvane, turning to him, "have you seen the kennelslately?"

  "Yes," said Udo.

  "They look rather sweet just about this time," said Merriwig.

  "Don't they?" said Udo.

  "But I am so longing to hear," said Belvane, "how your Majestydefeated the King of Barodia. Was it your Majesty's wonderful spellwhich overcame the enemy?"

  "You remember that?"

  "Remember it? Oh, your Majesty! '_Bo boll----_' Udo, dear, wouldn'tyou like to see the armoury?"

  "No," said Udo.

  "There are a lot of new things in it that I brought back fromBarodia," said Merriwig hopefully.

  "A lot of new things," explained Belvane.

  "I'll see them later on," said Udo. "I dare say they'd look better inthe evening."

  "Then you shall show _me_, your Majesty," said Belvane. "Udo, dear,you can wait for me here."

  The two of them moved off down the path together (Udo taken bysurprise), and as soon as they were out of sight, tiptoed across thelawn to another garden seat, Belvane leading the way with her fingerto her lips, and Merriwig following with an exaggerated caution whicheven Henry Smallnose would have thought overdone.

  "He is a little slow, isn't he, that young man?" said the King, asthey sat down together. "I mean he didn't seem to understand--"

  "He's such a devoted lover, your Majesty. He can't bear to be out ofmy sight for a moment."

  "Oh, Belvane, this is a sad homecoming. Fo
r month after month I havebeen fighting and toiling, and planning and plotting and then---- Oh,Belvane, we were all so happy together before the war."

  Belvane remembered that once she and the Princess and Wiggs had beenso happy together, and that Udo's arrival had threatened to upset itall. One way and another, Udo had been a disturbing element inEuralia. But it would not do to let him go just yet.

  "Aren't we still happy together?" she asked innocently. "There's herRoyal Highness with her young Duke, and I have my dear Udo, and yourMajesty has the--the Lord Chancellor--and all your Majesty's faithfulsubjects."

  His Majesty gave a deep sigh.

  _Belvane leading the way with her finger to her lips_]

  _Merriwig following with an exaggerated caution_]

  "I am a very lonely man, Belvane. When Hyacinth leaves me I shallhave nobody left."

  Belvane decided to risk it.

  "Your Majesty should marry again," she said gently.

  He looked unutterable things at her. He opened his mouth with theintention of doing his best to utter some of them, when----

  "Not before Udo," said Belvane softly.

  Merriwig got up indignantly and scowled at the Prince as the latterhurried over the lawn towards them.

  "Well, really," said Merriwig, "I never knew such a place. One simplycan't---- Ah, your Royal Highness, have you seen our armoury? Ishould say," he corrected himself as he caught Belvane's reproachfullook, "have _we_ seen our armoury? We have. Her ladyship was muchinterested."

  "I have no doubt, your Majesty." He turned to Belvane. "You will beinterested in our armoury at home, dear."

  She gave a quick glance at the King to see that he was looking, andthen patted Udo's hand tenderly.

  "Home," she said lovingly, "how sweet it sounds!"

  The King shivered as if in pain, and strode quickly from them.

  * * * * *

  "Your Majesty sent for me," said Coronel.

  The King stopped his pacings and looked round as Coronel came into thelibrary.

  "Ah, yes, yes," he said quickly. "Now sit down there and makeyourself comfortable. I want to talk to you about this marriage."

  "Which one, your Majesty?"

  "Which one? Why, of course, yours--that is to say,Belvane's--or--rather----" He came to a stop in front of Coronel andlooked at him earnestly. "Well, in a way, both."

  Coronel nodded.

  "You want to marry my daughter," Merriwig went on. "Now it iscustomary, as you know, that to the person to whom I give my daughter,I give also half my kingdom. Naturally before I make this sacrifice Iwish to be sure that the man to whom--well, of course, youunderstand."

  "That he is worthy of the Princess Hyacinth," said Coronel. "Ofcourse he couldn't be," he added with a smile.

  "_And_ worthy of half the kingdom," amended Merriwig. "That he shouldprove himself this is also, I think, customary."

  "Anything that your Majesty suggests----"

  "I am sure of it."

  He drew up a chair next to Coronel's, and sitting down in it, placedhis hand upon his knees and explained the nature of the trial whichwas awaiting the successful suitor.

  "In the ordinary way," he began, "I should arrange something for youwith a dragon or what-not in it. The knowledge that some such ordeallies before him often enables a suitor to discover, before it is toolate, that what he thought was true love is not really the genuineemotion. In your case I feel that an ordeal of this sort is notnecessary."

  Coronel inclined his head gracefully.

  "I do not doubt your valour, and from you therefore I ask a proof ofyour cunning. In these days cunning is perhaps the quality of allothers demanded of a ruler. We had an excellent example of that," hewent on carelessly, "in the war with Barodia that is just over, wherethe whole conflict was settled by a little idea which----"

  "A very wonderful idea, your Majesty."

  "Well, well," said Merriwig, looking very pleased. "It just happenedto come off, that's all. But that is what I mean when I say thatcunning may be of even more importance than valour. In order to winthe hand of my daughter and half my kingdom, it will be necessary foryou to show a cunning almost more than human."

  He paused, and Coronel did his best in the interval to summon up alook of superhuman guile into his very frank and pleasant countenance.

  "You will prove yourself worthy of what you ask me for," said Merriwigsolemnly, "by persuading Prince Udo to return to Araby--alone."

  Coronel gasped. The thing was so easy that it seemed almost a shameto accept it as the condition of his marriage. To persuade Udo to dowhat he was only longing to do, did not call for any superhumanqualities of any kind. For a moment he had an impulse to tell theKing so, but he suppressed it. "After all," he thought, "if the Kingwants cunning, and if I make a great business of doing somethingabsurdly easy, then he is getting it."

  Merriwig, simple man, mistook his emotions.

  "I see," he said, "that you are appalled by the difficulty of theordeal in front of you. You may well be so. You have known his RoyalHighness longer than I have, but even in our short acquaintance I havediscovered that he takes a hint with extraordinary slowness. To bringit home to him with the right mixture of tact and insistence thatAraby needs his immediate presence--alone--may well tax the mostserpentine of minds."

  "I can but try it," said the serpentine one simply.

  The King jumped up and shook him warmly by the hand.

  "You think you can do it?" he said excitedly.

  "If Prince Udo does not start back to Araby to-morrow----"

  "Alone," said Merriwig.

  "Alone--then I shall have failed in my task."

  * * * * *

  "My dear," said the King to his daughter as she kissed him good-nightthat evening, "I believe you are going to marry a very wise youngman."

  "Of course I am, Father."

  "I only hope you'll be as happy with him as I shall be with--as I waswith your mother. Though how he's going to bring it off," he added tohimself, "is more than I can think."

  CHAPTER XXII

  THE SEVENTEEN VOLUMES GO BACK AGAIN

  King Merriwig of Eastern Euralia sat at breakfast on his castle walls.He lifted the gold cover from the gold dish in front of him, selecteda trout, and conveyed it carefully to his gold plate. When you havean aunt---- But I need not say that again.

  King Coronel of Western Euralia sat at breakfast on _his_ castlewalls. He lifted the gold cover from the gold dish in front of him,selected a trout, and conveyed it carefully to his gold plate. Whenyour wife's father has an aunt----

  Prince Udo of Araby sat at breakfast---- But one must draw the linesomewhere. I refuse to follow Udo through any more meals. Indeed, Ithink there has been quite enough eating and drinking in this bookalready. Quite enough of everything in fact; but the time has nearlycome to say good-bye.

  Let us speed the Prince of Araby first. His departure from Euraliawas sudden; five minutes' conversation with Coronel convinced him thatthere had been a mistake about Belvane's feelings for him, and that hecould leave for Araby in perfect safety.

  "You must come and see us again," said Merriwig heartily, as he shookhim by the hand.

  "Yes, do," said Hyacinth.

  There are two ways of saying this sort of thing, and theirs was thesecond way. So was Udo's, when he answered that he would bedelighted.

  It was just a week later that the famous double wedding was celebratedin Euralia. As an occasion for speech-making by King Merriwig andlargesse-throwing by Queen Belvane it demanded and (got) a wholechapter to itself in Roger's History. I have Roger on my side atlast. The virtues he denied to the Countess he cannot but allow tothe Queen.

  Nor could Hyacinth resist her any longer. Belvane upon her palfrey,laughter in her eyes and roses in her cheeks, her lips slightly partedwith eagerness as she flings her silver to the crowd, adorablyconscious of her childishness and yet glorifying in it, could have noenemies that day.
/>
  "She is a dear," said Hyacinth to Coronel. "She will make a wonderfulQueen."

  "I know a Queen worth two of her," said Coronel.

  "But you do admire her, don't you?"

  "Not particularly."

  "Oh, Coronel, you must," said Hyacinth, but she felt very happy allthe same.

  They rode off the next day to their kingdom. The Chancellor had hadan exciting week; for seven successive evenings he had been extremelymysterious and reserved to his wife, but now his business was finishedand King Merriwig reigned over Eastern Euralia and King Coronel overthe West.

  Let us just take a look at Belvane's diary before we move on to thelast scene.

  "_Thursday, September 15th_," it says. "_Became good._"

  Now for the last scene.

  King Merriwig sat in Belvane's garden. They had spent the morningrevising their joint book of poetry for publication. The first set ofverses was entirely Merriwig's own. It went like this:

  _Bo, boll, bill, bole._ _Wo, woll, will, wole._

  A note by the authors called attention to the fact that it could bebegun from either end. The rest of the poems were mainly by Belvane,Merriwig's share in them consisting of a "Capital," or an "I likethat," when they were read out to him; but an epic commonly attributedto Charlotte Patacake had crept in somehow.

  "A person to see your Majesty," said a flunkey, appearing suddenly.

  "What sort of person?" asked Merriwig.

  "A sort of person, your Majesty."

  "See him here, dear," said Belvane, as she got up. "I have things todo in the Palace."

  She left him; and by and by the flunkey returned with the stranger.He was a pleasant-looking person with a round clean-shaven face;something in the agricultural way, to judge from his clothes.

  "Well?" said Merriwig.

  "I desire to be your Majesty's swineherd," said the other.

  "What do you know of swineherding?"

  "I have a sort of natural aptitude for it, your Majesty, although Ihave never actually been one."

  "My own case exactly. Now then, let me see--how would you----"

  The stranger took out a large red handkerchief and wiped his forehead.

  "You propose to ask me a few questions, your Majesty?"

  "Well, naturally, I----"

  "Let me beg of you not to. By all you hold sacred let me implore younot to confuse me with questions." He drew himself up and thumped hischest with his fist. "I have a feeling for swineherding; it isenough."

  Merriwig began to like the man; it was just how he felt about thething himself.

  "I once carried on a long technical conversation with a swineherd," hesaid reminiscently, "and we found we had much in common. It is aninspiring life."

  "It was in just that way," said the stranger, "that I discovered myown natural bent towards it."

  "How very odd! Do you know, there's something about your face that Iseem to recognise?"

  The stranger decided to be frank.

  "I owe this face to you," he said simply.

  Merriwig looked startled.

  "In short," said the other, "I am the late King of Barodia."

  Merriwig gripped his hand.

  _He was a pleasant-looking person, with a roundclean-shaven face_]

  "My dear fellow," he said. "My very dear fellow, of course you are.Dear me, how it brings it all back. And--may I say--what animprovement. Really, I'm delighted to see you. You must tell me allabout it. But first some refreshment."

  At the word "refreshment" the late King of Barodia broke downaltogether, and it was only Merriwig's hummings and hawings andthumpings on the back and (later on) the refreshment itself which kepthim from bursting into tears.

  "My dear friend," he said, as he wiped his mouth for the last time,"you have saved me."

  "But what does it all mean?" asked Merriwig in bewilderment.

  "Listen and I will tell you,"

  He told himself of the great resolution to which he had come on thatfamous morning when he awoke to find himself whiskerless. Barodia hadno more use for him now as a King, and he on his side was eager tocarve out for himself a new life as a swineherd.

  "I had a natural gift," he said plaintively, "an instinctive feelingfor it. I know I had. Whatever they said about it afterwards--andthey said many hard things--I was certain that I had that feeling. Ihad proved it, you know; there couldn't be any mistake."

  "Well?"

  "Ah, but they laughed at me. They asked me confusing questions;niggling little questions about the things swine ate and--and thingslike that. The great principles of swineherding, the--what I may callthe art of herding swine, the whole theory of shepherding pigs in abroad-minded way, all this they ignored. They laughed at me andturned me out with jeers and blows--to starve."

  Merriwig patted him sympathetically, and pressed some more food onhim.

  "I ranged over the whole of Barodia. Nobody would take me in. It isa terrible thing, my dear Merriwig, to begin to lose faith inyourself. I had to tell myself at last that perhaps there wassomething about Barodian swine which made them different from those ofany other country. As a last hope I came to Euralia; if here too Iwas spurned, then I should know that----"

  "Just a moment," said Merriwig, breaking in eagerly. "Who was thisswineherd that you talked to----"

  "I talked to so many," said the other sadly. "They all scoffed atme."

  "No, but the first one; the one that showed you that you had a benttowards it. Didn't you say that----"

  "Oh, that one. That was at the beginning of our war. Do you remembertelling me that your swineherd had an invisible cloak? It was hethat----"

  Merriwig looked at him sadly and shook his head.

  "My poor friend," he said, "it was me."

  They gazed at each other earnestly. Each of them was going over inhis mind the exact details of that famous meeting.

  "Yes," they murmured together, "it was us."

  The King of Barodia's mind raced on through all the bitter months thathad followed; he shivered as he thought of the things he had said; thethings that had been said to him seemed of small account now.

  "Not even a swineherd!" he remarked.

  "Come, come," said Merriwig, "look on the bright side; you can alwaysbe a King again."

  The late King of Barodia shook his head.

  "It's a come down to a man with any pride," he said. "No, I'll stickto my own job. After all, I've been learning these last weeks; at anyrate I know that what I do know isn't worth knowing, and that'ssomething."

  "Then stay with me," said Merriwig heartily. "My swineherd will teachyou your work, and when he retires you can take it on."

  "Do you mean it?"

  "Of course I do. I shall be glad to have you about the place. In theevening, when the pigs are asleep, you can come in and have a chatwith us."

  "Bless you," said the new apprentice; "bless you, your Majesty."

  They shook hands on it.

  "My dear," said Merriwig to Belvane that evening, "you haven't marrieda very clever fellow. I discovered this afternoon that I'm not evenas clever as I thought I was."

  "You don't want cleverness in a King," said Belvane, smiling lovinglyat him, "or in a husband."

  "What do you want then?"

  "Just dearness," said Belvane.

  And now my story is done. With a sigh I unload the seventeen volumesof Euralian History from my desk, carrying them one by one across thelibrary and placing them carefully in the shelf which has been builtfor them. For some months they have stood a rampart between me andthe world, behind which I have lived in far-off days with Merriwig andHyacinth and my Lady Belvane. The rampart is gone, and in the brightlight of to-day which streams on to my desk the vision slowly fades.Once on a time . .

  Yet I see one figure clearly still. He is tall and thin, with a whitepeaked face of which the long inquisitive nose is the outstandingfeature. His hair is lank and uncared for; his russet smoc
k, tied inat the waist, wants brushing; his untidy cross-gartered hose shows upthe meagerness of his legs. No knightly figure this, yet I look uponhim very tenderly. For it is Roger Scurvilegs on his way to thePalace for news.

  To Roger too I must say good-bye. I say it not without remorse, for Ifeel that I have been hard upon the man to whom I owe so much.Perhaps it will not be altogether good-bye; in his seventeen volumesthere are many other tales to be found. Next time (if there be a nexttime) I owe it to Roger to stand aside and let him tell the story morein his own way. I think he would like that.

  But it shall not be a story about Belvane. I saw Belvane (or some onelike her) at a country house in Shropshire last summer, and I knowthat Roger can never do her justice.

  _Roger Scurvilegs_]