“Marley—” he starts, but I stop him with a wave of my hand.
“You know what? None of this even matters, so there’s no point in arguing about it. The truth is, if things had played out differently that night, I’d be just as dead as my mother.”
Gabriel’s head jerks back. I’m not sure if it’s my words or my harsh tone that shocks him more. “That’s not true,” he tells me in a quiet voice.
“You said so yourself! When I confronted you about that article, you told me—”
“I know what I said!” he yells back. “But I wouldn’t have…I couldn’t…” His words trail off as he squeezes his eyes closed. He inhales deeply, holding it for a few seconds before releasing his breath slowly, in an attempt to get himself under control. “I know what I said to you, baby. But I also know what I’ve felt from the moment I laid eyes on you. There’s no way I’d ever have been able to go through with it. What I feel for you is so fucking strong, Marley, I know in my heart I’d feel it no matter when we met. Whether it was that night, or thirty fucking years from now, the moment I saw you, I’d feel it. I could never hurt you.”
“You already did,” I say with a soft sob, causing him to flinch. “I fell in love with a man I didn’t even know. You can’t change that. You can’t make it better. And you can’t make it hurt any less. I opened myself up to you. I confided in you, and I thought I was getting the same in return. I spent years building up my defenses for this very reason, and I stupidly let you in and let myself believe you could help me heal. And you crushed me.”
“I’m so sorry.” The hoarseness in his voice reveals his pain, making my heart ache even worse for him.
Running my fingers under my eyes once more, I meet his gaze head on. “I’ve been on my feet all day long and had my apartment broken into. I’m mentally and physically exhausted, and I can’t do this with you anymore. Please, just go.”
His lips part to say something just before he changes his mind. Without another word, he turns and walks out of the bedroom, closing the door softly behind him. Ignoring the protests of my empty stomach, I shed my clothes, leaving on just my t-shirt and panties, and crawl into bed where I cry silently until my tears finally lull me to sleep.
***
I crushed her. Sitting in my dark office, I play her words over and over again in my head. I crushed her. The city lights outside my window provide only small glimmers of light, enough so I’m able to see my scotch glass is getting dangerously low. I can’t have that. Reaching for the bottle of Macallan, I remove the top and pour the amber liquid into the tumbler before picking it up and taking a hearty gulp. I relish the burn of the alcohol as it makes its way to my stomach, leaving a scorching path through my chest along the way.
The look in her eyes as tears made tracks down her cheeks has haunted me since I walked out of her room and closed the door behind me. I didn’t even change out of my suit after leaving her. I walked straight into my home office, not bothering to flip on the lights, and began drowning my sorrow as I stared out the window, deep in thought.
I’ve been sitting in this chair for hours as memories of the past torment me. Memories of a life that no longer exists. Memories of a man who died on the grass with his family so many years ago only to be reborn as the monster I am today. One memory in particular haunts me the most.
Jesus Christ, I feel like my head’s going to split in two. I dig my fingers into my temples and massage, trying to alleviate the pain of the impending migraine. I’ve been getting them more and more since that day.
And the nasally sound of the junky bitch’s voice, begging for her life in front of me is doing nothing to help ease the pounding in my skull.
“When’s Almaraz supposed to pick up this shipment?” I ask, as I take in the drugs, packaged and ready for pickup, lining the table and counter tops of the filthy kitchen. Seriously, this fucking house isn’t appropriate for rats to live in, let alone a human being. But judging by her twitching and the sores that cover pretty much every inch of thin, sallow skin hanging off this skank’s skeletal frame, housekeeping comes a distant second to her addiction.
What a waste. If I look close enough I can see a tiny glimmer of the attractive woman she used to be.
“T-tomorrow. Please, please. Just take it. I won’t tell, I swear.”
“Fucking right you won’t, you stupid junky whore,” my man says. “’Cause you won’t live to tell about it.”
I have to stifle the need to roll my eyes at Gianni. He’s becoming more and more reckless with each passing day. And his aggression is going to get us in a whole goddamned lot of trouble if he doesn’t get his shit together soon.
“You find anything?” I ask Aldo as he steps back into the kitchen from canvassing the house.
“All clear.”
I know I can trust Aldo with my life, but I’m not willing to take any risks. Not anymore. Not after…
I need this to go as smoothly as possible. If we can get this pulled off without any complications, Eduardo won’t know what the hell hit him. And that’s what I’m counting on. One screw up from him and he’s as good as dead. My body is practically vibrating in anticipation of getting my revenge on the motherfucker who took everything from me.
I turn my eyes back to the crack head before me. “Is there anyone else in the house?” I ask. Better safe than sorry.
All of the sudden, her twitching lessens as her chin lifts almost defiantly. “No. There’s no one else here. Just me.” The bitch is speaking clearer than she has since we tied her scrawny ass to the chair. The look in her eyes and her suddenly lucid demeanor has me suspicious of her truthfulness. I’m just about to say something when Gianni interrupts me.
“Good, less bloodshed.”
Before I have a chance to react, his gun goes off, throwing the junkie’s head back with a sickening crack. Blood sprays onto the counters and floor from the hole he just put in her head. Against my fucking command.
“Goddamn it!” I hiss, grabbing Gianni by the throat. “I fucking told you! No more bodies! Are you out of your fucking mind?”
What I see in his eyes as he looks back at me gives me pause. The asshole is smiling, his eyes shining like a kid on Christmas morning. The sick fuck is getting off on this shit. Letting him go with a violent shove, I take a step back. I hardly recognize him anymore. The man standing in front of me right now isn’t the same Gianni I grew up with.
I might not be the same man I was before that day, but there’s something twisted in Gianni’s eyes that discomforts even me.
Shaking my head in disgust, I make eye contact with Aldo. The look on his face tells me loud and clear he feels the same way I do about Gianni. This isn’t how tonight was supposed to go. There’s been so much fucking death, most of it senseless. I know I’ve played my part in it; I’ve killed my fair share in order to get what I want, but not like this. It’s not supposed to be like this. We don’t kill women. Yes, she was just some piece of trash addict, but we Do. Not. Kill. Women.
If I thought my head hurt before, it’s nothing compared to the sharp, stabbing pain I’m feeling now. Ignoring the excruciating pain, I get to work alongside Gianni and Aldo, bagging up the coke to get it loaded in the car.
“Burn it,” I tell them as I make my way out the door. Tonight was just supposed to be a simple in and out. We’d tie the bitch up, take the dope, and wait for her to run to Eduardo. I was counting on her telling him exactly who stole his hefty little nest egg right out from under him. Now this place is going to be nothing but ash. I need to burn away any evidence that can lead back to me and the company.
This is all fucking Gianni’s fault. I swear to Christ. If I go down because of him, I’m dragging that motherfucker’s ass down with me.
Climbing into the passenger seat, I squeeze my eyes closed and clench my jaw against the pain in my head. I hear the sound of car doors opening and feel the shift as Aldo and Gianni climb in minutes later. I don’t bother to open my eyes as Aldo starts up the car and pul
ls out of the driveway, away from the dilapidated house.
“No evidence?” I ask Aldo, trusting only him to make sure that Gianni’s latest fuck up can’t be pinned on us.”
“All good, boss,” he tells me in that deep baritone voice of his.
Gianni lets out a derisive snort from the back seat before asking, “You really think I’m fucking stupid enough to leave any evidence behind?”
That sets me off. “Yes!” I shout, ignoring the pain in my skull to spin around and face the asshole that may very well lead to me being behind bars. “I do think you’re that fucking stupid! You deliberately went against my orders tonight, you fucking prick! All it takes is one goddamned mistake and all of us are fucked! You ever stop to think about that? Or are you too busy getting off on killing innocent women?”
His back shoots up straight as his eyes narrow on me. “She wasn’t an innocent fucking woman. She worked for Almaraz! Or have you forgotten that?” he hisses back.
Like I could ever forget. But that’s beside the point.
“You fuck up one more goddamned time, and I’ll end you myself,” I warn him. I’m absolutely one hundred percent serious. Gianni might be a childhood friend, but just like he’s turned into a different man, this life has turned me into someone else. And I’m willing to take out any man who gets in my way of getting my revenge.
“You’d really kill your oldest friend?” he asks sarcastically.
I turn back in my seat and rest my head back, closing my eyes. “If the sick, twisted motherfucker you’ve turned into causes me anymore problems, then yes, I’d kill you in a fucking second.”
My nightmares wake me up like clockwork. I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling fan hoping that if I track the spinning of the blades long enough, it will coax me back to sleep.
I don’t know how long I lay here, counting each rotation; but after a while, I give up. My full bladder won’t let me relax, so I climb out of bed and tiptoe into the en suite. I must look ridiculous creeping around an empty bedroom, but I don’t want to risk making any noise that could potentially wake Gabriel and have him trying to beat my door down.
Finishing up in the restroom, I throw on a robe hanging on the back of the door and make my way to the bedroom door, holding my breath as I twist the knob slowly. I pull it open just enough to peek out, scanning the hallway for any signs of life. I release the breath I’ve been holding once I’m certain Gabriel won’t be popping out of the shadows and make my way toward the kitchen. My stomach refuses to be ignored anymore. The longer I wait to eat, sicker I start to feel.
Opening the fridge, I notice a plate sitting on the top shelf covered in saran wrap. Jane must have saved me some dinner, God bless that woman. I snatch it out and yank the wrapping off, letting out a low groan as the fantastic smells assault my senses. My mouth begins watering at the sight of the rosemary chicken and seasoned new potatoes. Green beans and what looks like broccoli and cheese rice cover the rest of the plate, and it takes enormous willpower not to devour it cold.
After popping the plate in the microwave and hitting start, I spot my purse on the island and dig for my pack of cigarettes. It’s freezing outside, but I don’t care. I need a smoke like nobody’s business.
I ignore the frigid wind whipping at my hair as I light up and take the first satisfying drag, holding it in as long as I can before exhaling slowly, keeping one arm wrapped tightly around my stomach as I shift from foot to foot, trying to stave off the chill as long as possible.
“You know, I keep heaters out here,” a deep voice rumbles from beside me, causing me to let out a startled shriek as I jump around, nearly dropping my beloved cigarette in the process.
My heart’s thumping at a wild pace as I take in Gabriel’s form, stretched out on the outdoor sectional. “Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me!” I snap once my breathing regulates.
“Sorry,” he says with a soft chuckle, “just figured you’d be more comfortable under one of the heaters.”
I look around the patio, and sure enough, I spot a couple tall patio heaters strategically placed around the furniture. The dull orange glow coming off them is like a beacon, pulling me in with the promise of some much needed warmth seeing as I can no longer feel my fingers…or my face for that matter.
I reluctantly walk toward Gabriel, watching as his gray eyes track my every step. Taking a seat as far away from him as possible, I keep my eyes trained on him as he lifts a tumbler to his lips and drains the amber liquid inside. “What are you doing out here?” I ask before taking another drag off my cigarette. I notice his unkempt appearance. He’s still in the same suit he was wearing earlier tonight; but now, his shirt is un-tucked and partially unbuttoned. His tie has been removed and his sleeves are rolled up to his elbows in a haphazard manner. He’s more rumpled than I’ve ever seen him before.
“Thinking.” His voice is…off. For the first time, I notice the rim of red around his bloodshot eyes. I’ve never seen Gabriel drunk before; however, judging by the half-mast eyelids and the pallor of his skin, I’d say he’s well on his way to being shit faced.
Seeing him like this pulls at something inside me; something that wants to reach out and comfort him, to soothe him until the frown marring his brow disappears. But I can’t do that. So I simply ask, “And that’s not something you can do inside? You know, out of the cold?”
“What can I say?” he responds with a careless wave of his arm. His movements are so off balance he manages to drop the glass in his hand, causing it to shatter into tiny pieces all over the concrete. “I like the fresh air.”
No matter how many times I berate myself, I just can’t stop caring for this man, and my concern for his wellbeing right now trumps everything else. Scooting closer, I place my hand on his forearm. “I think you should go inside. You’re drunk and it’s freezing out here.”
“Are you worried about me, my bella?” he slurs as he grabs hold of my hand and pulls me closer to him. Even through the scotch on his breath, I can still smell his intoxicating scent. All man. All Gabriel.
“I’m worried you’ll freeze to death and I’ll have to be the one to tell Jane she’s out of a job,” I try to joke, but I can feel the tiny smile on my lips wobble.
I think I hear him mumble, “I deserve so much worse,” under his breath, but his words are spoken so quietly I can’t be certain.
“Come on, let’s get inside,” I try again.
“Do you know what’s so fucked up about this whole situation?” he asks, undeterred by my attempts to get him off the sectional. There are too many fucked up things about our situation to possibly begin to list so I remain silent. He reaches up and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear, his touch leaving a heated trail on my cold skin. We stare at each other silently for a moment before he wraps one strong arm around my waist, pinning me to him, causing me to drop my cigarette on the balcony floor.
“I once planned to use you to get to Almaraz.” His words cause me to cringe. His reminder creates a knot in my stomach, the pain and anger sitting in my gut like a heavy stone. “But now…” he continues, “now, I’ll give my own life for you if that’s what it takes. I’ll kill for you if I have to.”
It’s difficult to speak past the lump that’s formed in my throat. “I don’t want you to have to kill anyone, Gabriel. I don’t want anyone else to die.”
There’s been too much death already. Too much blood spilled.
I place my palms on his chest and try to break out of his hold, but it’s no use, he won’t let me go. “I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you,” he whispers into my hair as he presses his face into the crook of my neck. “Now, and in the past.”
I blink rapidly against the tears stinging my eyes. The hands that were pushing him away just moments ago curl into fists, holding on to his shirt for dear life. I don’t know how much more my heart can take. This back and forth I’m putting myself through is liable to cause irreparable damage soon. My brain is screaming at me to get away from him, but my
heart wins out, causing me to lean into his strong frame. A shuddered sigh escapes me when I feel both of his arms wrap around me, holding me in the protective cocoon of his embrace. I shouldn’t feel safe with him. Logically, I know just how dangerous he is. But despite all logic, the security I feel in his presence envelopes me anyway.
All too soon, he lets me go. Standing on slightly wobbly legs, his hand reaches out to help me up as well and we walk back into the warmth of the apartment. Not until we step inside and he locks the door behind us, does he turn to look at me. “I will spend the rest of my life regretting the pain I caused you,” he tells me before turning and walking out of the kitchen.
Twice in one night, he has walked away from me. And each time the pain it causes gets even worse.
***
“You’re what?” Carmen shrieks into the phone at a decibel only a dog should be able to hear. I’d given up on sleep shortly after coming inside from the patio. So the early morning wakeup call from my best friend is not something I’m in the mood to deal with.
Sighing into the phone, I throw myself back on the bed in my room and squeeze my eyes closed. “Not now, Carmen, please. I’m exhausted and really don’t want to do this. Besides, shouldn’t you be sleeping off last night’s bender right about now? Why are you even awake?”
“Don’t you try to deflect with me, woman,” she scolds. “I’m awake because I did one too many Jaeger Bombs last night, so I’m jacked the hell up on Red Bull at the moment. Now, back to the important shit. Can you please explain to me how in the ever loving fuck you ended up having a sleepover at your ex-boyfriend slash crime boss slash drug dealing asshole’s house?”
Her callous description of Gabriel sets my teeth on edge. “It’s not like that, Car.”
“Then, please, explain to me what it’s like; because right now, I’m remembering my best friend crying her eyes out and crawling back into herself, hiding from everything and everyone after finally starting to live a normal life. And all that shit was his fault!”
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