Shouldn't Have Dealt

by Mara Lynne

  “I’m quite okay with it.”

  Ray is a little surprised at how calm I am. His face shows it all.

  “At least Hunter will no longer have a reason to show himself to me. He’s run out of bait.”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t know. You said something like that about Damien.”

  “What are you talking about, Ray?”

  “What I’m trying to say is whenever you say one thing, it always doesn’t happen. The unexpected happens.”

  “And?”

  “Angel, I’m not really sure if Hunter’s going to stop. After all, he’s still an Etheridge. Though they are poles apart when it comes to personality, I think he and Damien have something in common, and that is being downright determined to get you.”

  When night comes, I break the news to Mom and Dad. Mom is a little shaken up. I know she worries for Dad’s medications and nonstop treatment, and she’s probably thinking of finding a job to help me with the expenses. Mom is always anxious when it comes to money. I remember how she was so distressed six months ago. She almost broke down. In stark contrast, Dad is calm and quiet. He’s too manly, I guess, though I know thoughts are running through his head like a bullet train. He’s just keeping up that front, so we don’t see him worried. He wants to make us believe that everything is okay.

  Well, maybe that’s what he thinks he is doing. No matter how he tries to keep himself composed, I know he is worried. Probably not for himself, but for us. Dad knows the extent of sacrifice we can do for him.

  “You really need not worry.” I try to sound enthusiastic. “I’ll find a good job in no time. Besides, I have saved enough. It will keep us alive and well in the coming months.”

  “I don’t know, Angel.” Mom is visibly shaking.

  “I have found two jobs. The pay is really good. I will be compensated fairly.” I turn my gaze to Dad who is now tapping the table with his finger.

  “It’s not the one with Hunter Stone, right?” Mom asks.

  “No, Mom. Definitely not!”

  “Maybe I should…” she starts, but I am quick to intercept her.

  “No odd jobs for you, Sarah Mohr. I can handle this. Leave this to me, please.” I walk toward her and begin massaging her shoulders. “It’s time that you leave this kind of things to me. I am in charge of you now, okay?”

  A sweet smile grows on Mom’s face.

  “Okay, Dad?”

  He just nods. His face is still devoid of emotion.

  “Are you okay, Dad?” I just need to ask. Dad seems to be hiding something from me. He looks like he is in some pain. “What’s wrong?” I reach for him.

  Mom immediately moves to Dad’s other side.

  His nose begins to flare up, and his right hand forms a fist and starts pounding on the left side of his chest.

  “Oh, God, George!” Mom cries.

  “Dad?”

  Dad closes his eyes, and his mouth opens, trying to say something.

  “He’s having a heart attack, Angel!”

  Chapter 9: Stopwatch

  Pacing back and forth the corridor of the ICU building, I wait for anyone from the medical team to come out of the sliding door. Mom is sitting on the benches, trying to control her tears. She’s being consoled by Ray who immediately came after I told him what happened.

  “Angel, you should sit down,” Ray says. “Do you guys want anything?”

  “No, Ray,” I reply while stretching my legs. However, before I could even sit down, the glass door slides to the left, and Eric Martin appears in his blue lab gown and face mask. Watching Eric emerge from the hospital door is like debris falling to me in slow motion—either the debris will hit me on the head to cause a total knockout or penetrate my heart to cause it to bleed and stop beating. Either way, I can’t do anything to stop the imminent pain. The thought of him talking about Dad’s condition is an absolute horror.

  “How’s Dad?” I ask, my voice trembling. Mom stands up and trails behind me.

  Eric removes the mask from his face, and he isn’t smiling.

  “Sarah…” He turns to Mom, gently reaching for her hand. “George is awake and is looking for you. He’ll be fine now.”

  A sigh of relief escapes Mom’s throat, and she hurries to the ICU as soon as she gets the gist.

  “I think I should follow Mrs. Mohr,” I hear ray mutter before he walks to the ICU entrance. I guess he feels that Eric needs time alone with me to discuss important things.

  “Ms. Mohr…” He leads me to the corner where we wouldn’t be blocking the way. “George will need a lot of rest. Any form of stress and strain is not advisable. Whatever happened prior to the attack, I hope it doesn’t happen again. We do not know how George will be able to tolerate another heart attack.”

  “How serious is it?”

  “Well, it is serious. His heart is affected now, and we can’t get away with it. All we can do is to prevent another attack.”

  I cross my arms, now deep in thought.

  “A new kidney will help, won’t it?”

  “The kidney may alleviate his situation. We just need to see how he will do with a new one.”

  “Do you mean you’re not even sure if…” My tears surge down my cheeks.

  “Angel,” Eric interrupts. “This was all possible if we had the kidney before the heart attack happened. Even if we have a new kidney, there’s no assurance that George will not have another one.”

  I fall into silence.

  “Listen carefully, we’ll proceed with the transplant once we secure a kidney, and we’ll take it from there.”

  Still no assurance, eh? I thought,

  “Where are we on the list, Eric?”

  “I’ll have my secretary check on the list, Angel. I guess it will not take us long to get to the top,” Eric replies while he reaches for the stethoscope hanging on a pole near the wall. His gaze at me lasts for a couple of seconds. “I better get going now,” he says, uncomfortably shrugging his arms.

  “Okay,” I say.

  He nods stiffly, then turns away from me and heads to the nurse’s station just around the corner.

  I hear Dad’s giggle as I enter the room. Mom is holding Dad’s hand while whispering something in his ears. Ray is on the bench reading a magazine. It is almost two in the morning, and all four of us are awake. I suppose Ray and I should go home and leave Mom her to stay with Dad. I’ll come back with Dad’s things in the morning.

  “Did I miss something?” I say, forcing myself to sound animated.

  Dad pulls himself to sit on the bed. “What did Martin say? Can I go home now?”

  “Eric did not say anything about going home, Dad.” I walked to the foot of the bed and sit there.

  “But I am okay now.” He’s got some wires on his chest that are attached to a cardiac monitor. He also has a nasal cannula connected to the built-in oxygen line on the wall.

  He does look fine. His color has returned, and he doesn’t seem short of breath, but I don’t think he is truly okay. He might be faking it.

  “What did Eric say, Angel?” Mom asks, but I know what she really wants to ask me. I can read the swirling unease on her face.

  “That Dad will have to stop eating out of his diet, that he has to sleep early, and that he has to avoid stress,” I answer. “No more worrying, okay, Dad?”

  Dad smiles weakly.

  “Ray and I are going back home. Will it be okay, Mom?’

  Mom nods, looking unsatisfied with my response. I gently kissed her on the cheeks. “Everything will be okay. Trust me,” I say.

  A smile gradually appears on her face, slightly easing my worry.

  I bend over to kiss Dad on the cheeks as well.

  “Good night. I’ll be back tomorrow.” I pick up my sweater from the table and head to the door. Ray follows behind me after saying his farewell.

  My legs won’t stop moving until I accomplish my other goal for tonight. I won’t stop until my eyes see what they need to see. I need to free my heart and con
science from this guilt. My eyes wander around the corridor, looking for that room I was in yesterday.

  “Why are we in this part of the hospital, Angel?” Ray asks, also scanning every room that we pass by. “Oh, yeah, because Damien is here.”

  “Do you think he’s left already?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. We should ask,” he answers as his gaze strays to the nurses’ station where a tall and probably good-looking doctor examines an x-ray film.

  “Really, Ray?”

  He shrugs his shoulders and giggles.

  “I can’t help it.” His cheeks turn red. “It’s not my fault my antennae are super sensitive.”

  I roll my eyes at him and proceed on looking for the right room.

  Stop.

  My legs freeze at the sight of Room 709, Damien’s hospital room.

  “Is this it?”

  “He’s not here anymore.” Damien’s name outside the door has been removed.

  “Then the news must be right.”

  “Do you think he’s in his apartment?”

  “Will you go there and force yourself in, Angel?”

  I thought I should have a long time ago. Regret feels like a dagger piercing through my heart, slowly cutting through the walls of my heart like a thief in the night. If I have known that this would happen, I would have broken into his house even if he drags me out of there. I don’t care. I should have not let fear control me.

  Ray has to flick his fingers in front of me to bring me back to reality.

  “What’s the plan now?” His eyebrow curves into a downward ‘C.’

  “Home.” There is no way I can hide disappointment from my voice. Even Ray notices how disheartened I have become.

  We slowly walk toward the elevator when Ray nudges my arm and tells me that he has to attend to an urgent call of nature.

  “You’re not really going to the restroom, are you?”

  “I am!” He turns his back to me. “You go ahead, sweetie! I’ll follow you in the lobby. It might take me a few minutes.”

  I know where he is going, though. I bet the good-looking doctor is still in the station doing his daily rounds. I just wonder how he’ll capture his attention. Ray doesn’t really choose his target. Whoever he thinks is handsome enough, qualifies. Does Charles even know about this?

  Silly friend of mine!

  I can’t help but smile at his antics. He never fails to make me happy. Sometimes, I’d ask myself if Ray was born to be my personal jester. He’s a natural at this. In these times of great adversity, it’s Ray I call for as an anchor.

  I’m just a few yards away from the elevators, I see one in the middle still open. The others are probably on their way up or down.

  I quickly run towards the middle elevator before the passengers can shut the doors.

  Gray.

  Those hesitant gray eyes propel so much fire and ice throughout my body that I feel ambivalent about what I am feeling.

  Gray.

  It happened so quickly, I am not sure if what I saw was even real.

  It was quick, passing, and brief.

  I don’t know if my eyes were just playing on me. Maybe I just have to blink them multiple times to make sure.

  No.

  I shake my head.

  They were real.

  I replay in my head the actual event that happened a few seconds ago that rendered me motionless. Standing in front of the middle elevator like a lost shepherd who had found one of his sheep missing, I could only pray for the doors to slide open and reveal the owner of those precious gray eyes.

  Is it even possible?

  Damien was inside the elevator before it closed and went somewhere several floors down. He was there sitting in a wheelchair with an arm collar rested on his chest. I care less for the people with him inside. For a very brief moment, he was the only one who caught my attention. Who wouldn’t? It’s him I wanted to see. It’s him I long and crave to hug and kiss.

  Our stunned gazes met for seconds, but I know he recognized me. He paused and gazed at me like he had something to say. Maybe he has something to say. I cannot be wrong. I feel it inside me that Damien yearns for me, too. I can see the desire from his eyes—even if it was fleeting.

  Not wasting any time, I scurry to the nearest staircase.

  By the time I reach the lobby, I am entirely barefoot. I had to drop my slippers somewhere. My legs feel numb. I am sweating all over, my heart is racing, and my breathing is uncontrollably fast. I never felt this exhausted before, and yet, I feel the possibility of a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I am sure I look flushed and messy, but I don’t care about how I look now. I quickly scan the lobby for a man in a wheelchair. Each time I find a probable candidate, I pause to inspect further… only to be disappointed.

  He is gone again.

  I am late again.

  I am hurt again… disappointed once more.

  Worse, I blame myself over and over again for being slow.

  Why do we keep on missing each other? It feels like time is our enemy. It feels like I am running a race… that if I don’t arrive at the end goal on time, I might miss my prize—Damien. Such a grave punishment it is. It might sound like I’m overacting, but I guess chances for a second shot at him is timed. I hope it’s not like a time bomb. I don’t want it gone forever.

  What better option do I have then?

  I’d rather choose to stop time, make things freeze, and wait for the right moment to restart everything. Just like a stopwatch. Just like how it stopped moments ago. It was temporary but not forever. We can restart everything. All we need is someone to push the button. It could either be him or me.

  “Angel?” I feel a hand on my shoulder. It was firm and heavy.

  Has the time come? Has the stopwatch restarted? Has he pushed the button for a fresh new start?

  Chapter 10: About Time

  “Angel?”

  I turn around slowly. With every move, my heart pumps even harder. All my senses heighten as all my hopes go up. My tears are at the corners of my eyes, just waiting for the cue to let go.

  “Why did you run off like that?”

  Ray’s pale face stunned me to silence.

  Tears burst out of my eyes as my defenses go crumbling down. I can’t deal with the disappointment I’m feeling. Just when I thought the stopwatch has rebooted, it turns out I was pushing myself too hard to believe the impossible. It does hurt to have all your hopes high only to plunge to the deepest depths of the ocean.

  Ray envelopes me in his arms.

  “Hush now, sweetie. It’s okay… whatever it is.”

  TV reports say that Damien is recovering well. From the TV in the living room, I can hear Drew Cohen reporting live from the Etheridge Mansion in Pine Valley. He is saying that Damien will have to stay there for fast recuperation. It appears that it is Mary Etheridge’s decision to keep his son away from the media and from the city where his access to vices is infinite. Pine Valley is way too far from Trenton, even Princeton. One would need a personal car to travel there especially through the heavily forested area. I remember the time he drove me there. It took us hours to travel.

  With these measures, she shows the entire city just how desperate she is to cut his connection from anyone from within the city—I included.

  Ray has to return to his place to rest, but he promised to help me watch after dad in the evening. His work with Stone Publishing does not start until a week from now.

  I switch off the TV as soon as some car show replaces the news. That dose of Damien Etheridge is enough to keep me rolling for the day. No matter how disappointed I feel of failing to make up with him, seeing him all better and safe is my biggest priority now. Time will come for the stopwatch to restart. Maybe last night was just not the time.

  All prepared to go, I lock the house and go straight down the street. Time is essential for me. Within the week, I should secure the teaching assistant position in Precious Angels Montessori. I have to take a forty-five-minute b
us ride from Princeton Borough, my town, to Trenton, the busy capital city of New Jersey where the Montessori is located. It is a little bit far from home, but I really need the job.

  RING! RING!

  I pick up my phone while waiting for the bus.

  “May?”

  “Angel?” she shrieked from the other side. “You have to get in here! Stone’s taking over McGarry!”

  “What?”

  “Apparently, we’re bankrupt, so Stone’s taking over. His lawyers are here to kick Thatcher out.” Now, she’s whispering. “I heard from the grapevine that Stone Publishing is going to revamp McGarry. A new publisher is set to arrive in a week with new staffs. Here’s the surprise. Former staffs like us are invited to join the new team! How cool is that?”

  “Seriously?” I almost drop my phone.

  Poor Thatcher then. She’s kicked out while her team is recruited.

  However, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Working under Stone’s company will make it easier for Hunter to touch me. It’s power play. He’s going to do everything he can to ruin my life, and taking the risk of being his employee just makes things easier for him.

  “There will be massive changes, Angel! Bigger salary! Health and accident insurance! I heard Stone’s planning to shower us all with abundant allowances and other benefits. Isn’t that great? Too good to be true, right?” The whispering is gone. She sounds totally ecstatic. “Are you coming over?”

  From afar, I see the bus approaching.

  “No,” I answer bluntly.

  “What? But why? You’re going to be Stone’s asset. You’re a natural at this. He’d love to have you in his company,” she states. “Besides, I’m sure you’ll get promotion easier than with Thatcher around.”

  It’s exactly what I am avoiding. I don’t want Stone in my life.

  “I already found a job. Teacher Assistant. Pay is good,” I answer confidently. “I can manage.”

  May is silent for a while.

  “May, I’ll be fine with this. I think I need a breather from the publishing industry. Maybe I don’t fit into that competitive world.” Of course, it’s a lie. I’d always love to work with writers and their masterpieces.