“He loved you,” Lizzie said quietly before stepping away.
Mia looked questioningly at Lizzie. What did she mean? Did she know about Mia’s relationship with Tom? Had he told her?
“He loved you,” Lizzie repeated, her green eyes locking on her.
Mia’s lower lip trembled as she fought the threatening tears that were about to erupt from her eyes. She nodded repeatedly at Lizzie. But Mia could no longer fight the tears when Lizzie hugged her again. An ugly sob escaped from her throat, big tears spilling down from her eyes, over her cheeks, wetting her neck.
“I know,” Lizzie said, comforting her with those words over and over. How could this woman be the one comforting her—the woman who hurt Tom. Mia couldn’t believe it. This woman who lost her lover, her boyfriend, her best friend was comforting one of Tom’s old flames.
“You shouldn’t comfort me,” Mia said quietly, her voice jagged.
“You are the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through. Maybe you are comforting me. Did you think of that?”
Mia hadn’t. But she would comfort this woman. She wrapped her arms around Lizzie’s shoulders and held on to her.
“I did love Tom.”
“I did too, but I never told him,” Lizzie gasped. “I never told Tom that I loved him. Oh, God!”
Mia held her as the sobs racked Lizzie’s body, silent tears falling down her own face. She owed this to Tom, to comfort Lizzie, and as hard as it was, she would continue to do it.
Mia
Chicago, December 2009
Christmas in Chicago. It had been four years since Mia had spent the holiday here. This year, Luke and Kaitlyn would be with her.
In about ten minutes!
Mia hadn’t spent Christmas with them since the year she was snowed in while stuck in New York and watched from her laptop. This year she would get to be front and center while Kaitlyn opened her presents.
When the doorbell rang, Mia bolted to the door. The little girl jumped right into her arms. Mia probably held on to her for far too long, but she just couldn’t let go. She closed her eyes and breathed in deep, taking in the childish watermelon scent of the precious girl in her embrace. Fighting tears, Mia placed her lips against Kaitlyn’s hair.
Damn it! She almost didn’t have this moment.
That thought threatened to break her, but a well-timed announcement from Luke saved her. “Kaitlyn, did you see what’s under the tree?”
“What?”
“Go look!” he exclaimed and the little girl bolted out of Mia’s arms to check out all the presents already under the tree.
And there she stood. Alone. In front of her best friend for the first time since her overdose. His eyes held hers, not letting her escape. She wouldn’t do that again.
Luke took one step forward and she launched herself onto him. Her arms snaked around his neck, pulling him to her. His return embrace was so tight she thought she would be enveloped by his body.
“Fuck, I missed you so much,” she said against his neck.
“I missed you more,” he replied, placing his lips upon her cheek.
The tears fell then. There was no stopping them. With a sob, she spoke words that needed to be said. “I’m so sorry.”
“No. Don’t say that. You’re here.”
He had no idea.
Swallowing the lump in her throat, she gave him a tremulous smile. “I am. And so are you.”
“I am!” he said, clutching her tight and spinning her around. She loved having him happy like this. He let her down and brought their bags into the house, leaving them by the stairs. “Smells like you’ve been cooking,” he said, taking her hand and heading into the house.
“Hungry?”
He looked at her like she asked the world’s stupidest question.
“Of course you’re hungry. What was I thinking?”
The three ate a small dinner at the family room table watching A Christmas Story. After the meal, they snuggled on the sofa, Kaitlyn tucked between her and Luke. Mia would be lying if she said she’d never pictured her life like this with Luke and Kaitlyn as a family unit. It could have happened, but she knew she and Luke were better off as friends. Too many things would have destroyed them—rock star dreams, crazy mother of his daughter, and Mia’s demons. She knew early on she didn’t want to do to Kaitlyn what her mother had done to her. So Mia became that awesome aunt. That was her role. She’d take it just so she could be a part of Kaitlyn’s life.
After leaving out cookies and milk for Santa, Kaitlyn went up to her room, leaving Mia alone with Luke. He grabbed the remote and turned the volume down on the TV.
Time to talk.
“How are you?” he asked, grasping her hand.
“I’m doing a hell of a lot better now. Thanks for coming and spending this time with me.”
“I’ve missed you these past couple Christmases. No. Let me correct myself. I’ve missed you.”
She snuggled closer into him. “I’ve missed you, too.”
“Now, answer my question—how are you?”
“I’m better, Luke. Really.”
“Still going to therapy?”
“Yes. I wasn’t for a while, but I’m back and been seeing my therapist often. I’m still working on things, but I’m better. I’m getting there—slow as fuck, but I’m more me than I’ve been in a long time.”
“Good. Like I said, you’ve been missed.”
“I’ve missed me, too.”
“Ugh, stop being so sappy.”
She rolled her eyes and laughed at him. “How are you?” she asked, fiddling with the buttons on the remote.
“I’m fucking great. I’ve got my best friend by my side for the next week.”
“It’s gonna be great!”
Luke and Mia had put the presents under the tree, eaten the cookies, left some crumbs on the plate, and gone to bed. Kaitlyn would be up at the crack of dawn and they needed sleep. Which thankfully she got, but she was still tired, she thought, as she stared at the coffee machine, waiting for the coffee to finish brewing.
Luke’s arms slipped around her waist, his chin on her head, and sighed, “Coffee?”
“Not yet! It’s taking forever!”
He kissed her cheek and pulled two mugs from the cabinet. “Sleep well?” he asked with a wink.
“No! Bed hog!” she joked back. Even if it was just another person in the bed with no funny business, it was still damn nice.
“You were out in no time. I wanted to talk some more.”
“Sorry. I had the best heated pillow. Been a long time since I had that.”
“Been awhile since you got any?”
“Unfortunately.”
“You’re a rock star. Aren’t they lined up in droves at your shows?”
“For the guys. Not me.”
“Seriously?” he asked, leaning back against the island.
“Yes, but even if there were guys lining up, which they’re not, I’m not that kind of girl.”
“How many guys have you been with?”
“Luke . . .”
“Come on. Tell me. Share with meee!”
Luckily for Mia, the coffee machine blared that it was ready. She poured them both a cup and then took hers to wait in the living room for Kaitlyn.
“Hey!” Luke said as he plopped down next to her. “You didn’t answer my question.”
“I know,” she said, taking a drink of her hot coffee. She didn’t want to answer this. It was seriously pathetic.
“I’ll tell you mine.”
“You keep track?”
“Well, no, but I have a general idea with a little give and take. Come on, tell me, sweets.”
“Fine,” she said with a puff of air. “Four.”
“Four? Oh my God!”
“Shut up, Luke!”
He kept snickering even after she jabbed him with her elbow.
“Don’t piss me off! I’ve been without sex for a long time and I don’t think you want to set me off.
”
“Your bean needs to be flicked.”
“You offering?” she asked in jest. His eyes bulged out of his head, but before he could answer, Kaitlyn came bolting down the stairs, a squeal escaping her mouth when she saw all the presents under the tree. Mia laughed and got her phone out of her pocket, her intent to capture some memories so she could add them to her photo wall.
Mia absorbed every single detail of the day, memorizing Kaitlyn’s squeal of joy with each and every present she opened, the love shining in Luke’s eyes as he looked on, the snuggles with Kaitlyn afterwards while Luke assembled a few of her presents.
She cherished her time with the Stapletons. During the day, Mia hung out with Kaitlyn, showing her how to cook, playing with her toys, watching movies, or banging on the piano.
Well, Mia wouldn’t ever bang on a piano. Kaitlyn sat by her side, observing her play. Then the two would sing and that was seriously one of the best moments Mia had had in years—maybe since the night Ethan proposed to her.
The young girl’s voice complemented Mia’s so well, it brought tears to her eyes. This moment was almost missed because she’d wanted to end it all. But she didn’t end it. Mia fought and now had this beautiful moment and even more future moments to come . . . hopefully with children of her own.
In the evenings, Mia reconnected with her best friend. They sat side by side in her front room, watching the fire and just talked. Certain topics they steered clear of—Ethan and Tom—but anything else seemed to be fair game.
One of those things was her movie. Before bed one night, Mia felt brave enough to bring it up.
First, though, she had to get his attention away from his phone. He was so intent on whatever he was doing.
“Whatcha doing?” she asked, trying to peek over his shoulder. He hit send and closed out of his messaging app.
“Just sending a text.”
“To . . . ?” she said, sitting down beside him.
“Just a girl.”
“Must be a special girl to ignore me.”
“I wasn’t ignoring you.”
“Luke . . .”
“Sorry, it’s just that . . .” he stopped and ran his hand through his longish hair. “I hadn’t had any contact with her in a long time, but for whatever reason, I decided to send her a text on Christmas and we’ve been texting ever since.”
“Why haven’t you had any contact with her?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Life, I guess. But I do think about her—a lot!”
“So . . .”
“I’m texting,” he said with a laugh. “It’s not like she lives near me either. So . . . we’ll see.”
“Okay.”
“So, sweets, what did you want?”
“Why do you think I wanted something?”
“You were being needy.”
She stuck her tongue out at him. He laughed but leaned into her. “Talk.”
“So,” she said with a loud exhale of breath. “I’m going to be doing a movie.”
“No shit! Really?”
“Yeah, starting in January.”
“Wow! Like a small part or . . .”
“The lead.”
His eyes went wide at that. “The lead? Tell me more.”
“Well, that’s the thing,” she said before shaking her head. “Maybe I should just have you read it.”
“Oh yeah!”
“Come on,” she said, tugging at his hand. “It’s up in my bedroom.”
He followed her upstairs. Mia handed him the script and then went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. When she returned, he was engrossed in it. She snuggled up to him and thought about what he was reading.
This was a love story, but it was also a story about a woman struggling to pick herself up from rock bottom. Mia knew way too much about that, and she also knew about the lead character, Sophia’s, struggles with drugs. The details may be different, but at the core, this was so similar to Mia’s story. Luke would see that, and being her over-protective friend, would more than likely have issues with it.
All she could do was let him read, and eventually she fell asleep.
The next morning, Mia woke up to find Luke sitting on the edge of her bed, staring at her, the script in the space between them. She pushed herself into a sitting position and glued her eyes to her best friend. He looked ragged, his hair all over the place, like he hadn’t slept at all.
“Luke?”
Her speaking brought him out of his thoughts. He took a deep breath and exhaled purposely. “Mia . . . I’ll be honest. I’m nervous about you being in a movie about drugs.”
“Drugs are a part, not the entire movie,” she countered.
“You know what I mean.”
“I’m not an addict, Luke,” she said, that insecurity about what he thought about that time digging its claws into her brain.
He threw his head back. “Mia, I didn’t say that.”
“But you thought it,” she replied. “I have a lot to prove to myself and others with this movie. That I’m not an addict. That I can handle the drama and not let it adversely affect me. I see a lot of myself in the main character, Sophia.”
“It just scares me. I don’t want you anywhere near the things that almost took you from me,” he said, his voice breaking with emotion.
Mia crawled over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I’m so sorry, Luke. I’m not going to leave you. But I have to do this. I have to prove it to myself.” She kissed his cheek a few times then spoke words she prayed would be true. “I’ll be okay.”
Mia
January 2010
With the New Year and new beginnings, Mia finally started to discuss certain things with her therapist. She had basically thrown herself into her music and other things to keep her busy—to run away. God, she ran from things. She never faced anything and that was an eye-opening realization for her.
The whole parental situation she’d buried and then when it snuck up on her, she drowned it out with drugs and alcohol. She’d had the same destructive behavior when it came to Luke and then Ethan, using the drugs and alcohol to drown out the pain. To run away.
Something that Simone said had Mia thinking a lot about how she’d been handling her past. One session, her therapist had said to her, “You need to choose to learn from the ugly things that hurt you. Choose to see the scars you spend so much time hiding from so you never make the same mistake, so you don’t take those mistakes with you into the future. Learn from them and then put them to rest. They shouldn’t dictate who you are. How you choose to learn from it, that is what defines you.”
So what did she need to learn from this? How did she make sure she didn’t fall back into the same pattern?
Mia definitely had been letting her past define her, control her. That pain ate at her daily.
This was something that Simone still tried to get Mia to discuss, but she couldn’t. Not yet.
But the time was coming.
After that appointment, Mia sat at a coffee shop near Simone’s office, waiting for Allie to arrive. They had way too much to discuss and way too little time in order to do so. As she sipped her coffee, Mia scrolled through her Twitter, loving all the posts from her fans, but she paused on a tweet that linked her name to a story about Ethan and how he may have finally moved on.
Mia’s finger hovered over the link, a silent battle waging in her mind about whether or not to read the article. Curiosity won.
She skimmed the article, which was basically photos of Ethan and Kristen at some sports recognition event. She had seen Ethan and Kristen together on television before, but never this chummy, never touching.
Swallowing her tears, Mia closed out of that article and switched to her messaging app. She needed answers and hopefully she could get them from Luke.
Luke
January 5, 2010 219 PM
I need the truth, Luke.
About what?
Stop stalling. Is he seeing her?
Mia . . .<
br />
It’s okay. Just tell me. I need to know if he has moved on.
Yes. He has been seeing her.
Her stomach felt like someone took a metal bat to it. She folded in and wrapped her arms around her own waist, her breath halting. The tears started, but she swiped at them until they stopped.
So he’s moved on. I had hoped he wouldn’t, you know?
I’m sorry, Mia
Why are you sorry? It’s my fault.
Are you crying?
She wiped her eyes and laughed quietly, so thankful for her best friend and how well he knew her.
Not anymore.
If it bothers you, tell him.
That stifled her laughter. That would not happen.
I’ve put him through so much. I can’t do that.
You love him.
Yes, but it doesn’t appear that he feels the same. He didn’t wait. I took too long.
Mia . . . :(
<3 you, Luke. Gotta go now.
<3 you too, sweets.
Mia took a deep breath. She had to get herself together before Allie arrived. Pulling out her compact, she checked her makeup and then she tortured herself by reading the article again. He looked happy.
Ethan deserved happy and Mia would let him have his happy with Kristen, even though it hurt like fucking hell.
Whatever she did from this moment forward would not be for him, but for her and her alone.
The story of Ethan and Kristen spread like a wildfire in Malibu, and Mia’s name was linked to each and every story. She tried to ignore them but then a photo surfaced of Ethan and Kristen kissing on New Year’s Eve. That she couldn’t ignore.
Seeing his mouth on another woman’s, especially that woman’s, was more than Mia could take that day. She holed up in her office, flipped on the TV, turned to the History Channel, and sat there all day, doing her best to let history make her forget that kiss.
During a commercial break, her phone buzzed. She stared at it on the table. The name really looked like Ethan’s, but that’s probably because he was on her mind. But it was enough to tickle her curiosity and get her to grab the phone.
Mia about dropped the phone when she saw that the text really was from Ethan. Why the hell was he messaging her after one and a half years of absolutely no contact? She swiped the message to open it in order to find out.
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