She was frozen in place as if a thick layer of ice had suddenly stopped her heart cold.
She was numb from the inside out, and she wasn’t certain if her heart would ever defrost.
Forgiveness was not presently in the forefront of her mind—only anger.
Chapter 31
Grace sucked in a deep breath, determined to pen a letter to her cousin before leaving. She knew she would have to wait until the morning to leave, but she wanted to be prepared in order to avoid any delays in her departure. If she had her way, she’d leave immediately to prevent any further possibility of having to face Leah or Samuel, but she was certain her chances of getting a bus back home would be better in the morning. The last thing she wanted to do was to spend the night at a bus station. That would be adding more stress to her already injured ego.
She knew prideful thoughts had entered her mind. Selfish ones too. At the moment, she couldn’t feel anything but injured and vulnerable.
Sitting at the small desk in Leah’s room, Grace’s hands shook as she picked up a pencil and began to write from her heart. Tears dripped onto the page as her heart flip-flopped in two different directions. Though she was sorry for what she’d done to her cousin, she hoped Leah would not hold her accountable. After all, Grace hadn’t known for certain that Samuel was Leah’s betrothed.
Or had she?
If truth be told, it had nagged at her from the first day she’d witnessed him placing his hands over Leah’s and kissing the back the way he had when he’d first met her. She’d ignored the obvious and reasoned away what she’d seen. Samuel himself had told her he’d come to the haus to check on her. Was it an outright lie? He’d been there to pick up Leah for their date, and had most likely not asked about her at all.
Several facts remained, and could no longer be reasoned away.
Samuel was Leah’s betrothed.
He’d lied to them both.
Grace had fallen in leib with him, and she’d kissed him the way a woman in leib kisses a mann.
She couldn’t ignore this any longer.
She couldn’t.
She wouldn’t.
She thought about it again, but came to the same conclusion.
Penning the words to Leah as lovingly as possible, Grace prayed her cousin would forgive her transgression.
Derr Lord,
I beg you to take away the love I feel for Samuel. I know it is wrong for me love him under the circumstances, but I just can’t help myself. Heal my heart, and heal the hurts that my sin will cause mei dear cousin.
If at all possible, I pray that you will bring something gut from the mess I’ve made of this. I need a miracle to fix this so everyone will be happy and no one will get hurt.
I pray for peace between mei cousin and me. I pray that Samuel will be blessed with the wisdom to do the right thing, and that he will do whatever is your will for his life.
Open mei eyes to the truth in this situation. Pour a generous portion of forgiveness over me for myself as well as for Samuel. Please bless mei cousin with forgiveness in her heart for both of us.
Amazingly, Grace ended her prayer with the last stroke of the pencil to the paper. Folding the note and placing it in an envelope, she tucked it under her pillow and laid her head down to sleep.
For Grace, morning could not come fast enough.
Chapter 32
Grace woke before the sun came up. Truthfully, she’d tossed about most of the night, willing herself to sleep. She knew that as long as she slept, she didn’t have to think, and if she didn’t think, she wouldn’t feel. She’d never been so heartbroken, and couldn’t imagine how she would ever feel normal again.
Leah laid facing the wall; her subtle snoring comforted Grace. She’d pretended to be asleep when Leah had come in late from her evening with her betrothed—with Samuel. Feeling like a coward, she didn’t have the heart to tell her cousin what a deceitful mann he was. She’d prayed for a change in him, believing her prayer would be answered somehow.
She had no other choice but to believe in such a thing. She’d always put her trust in Gott. But what she didn’t understand now was why Gott had allowed her to fall in leib with Samuel if it was only going to cause her so much pain. Perhaps she needed to be taught a lesson of some sort. None of it made any sense to her, but she supposed that time would heal this wound.
This too shall pass…
Tip-toeing across the cold, wooden floor, Grace dressed quickly. She snatched her suitcase from under the bed and placed the note for Leah upon her desktop. She sighed as she looked at her cousin who slept peacefully, unaware of what Grace was about to do.
Feeling guilty, Grace swallowed back tears, determined to put all of this behind her. Regret over her visit nagged her thoughts as she left the home she should have never come to visit in the first place. If not for Grace’s foolish behavior with Samuel, Leah would not be facing the trouble she was about to encounter. As soon as Leah read her note, Grace would be no more welcome than an agitated skunk cornered in the barn.
Padding her way down the creaking steps as quietly as she could, Grace hoped to get out of the haus without getting caught by her aenti who was most likely in the kitchen. Grace detected a faint hint of kaffi, which probably meant she’d only just put it on the stove. If that was the case, she would be out in the chicken coop gathering eggs for the morning meal, which would allow Grace the opportunity to slip out unnoticed.
Once she reached the front door, Grace paused, trying not to break out in sobs. She had let her familye down, and there would be a lot of explaining to do once she returned home. She had no idea how she would vindicate herself—especially to her daed. She’d worked so hard to convince him she was responsible enough to make this trip. Now, he would be left feeling more ashamed of her than she was of herself.
Chapter 33
Thick fog hovered over the tops of the brown cornstalks that remained in Samuel’s field. The slowly rising sun added a pink glow to the fog, creating a romantic haze over the pasture. The aroma of freshly-turned earth permeated the dense air, reminding Grace that it was wedding season.
Trying to push the thought from her mind as she trudged through the field, Grace felt a sudden distaste for a season she’d looked forward to since she was a school-girl with silly, romantic notions filling her head. She would never be able to look upon this time of year the same way again. It would become a time of loathing and dread—something to get through rather than look forward to. Now more than ever, she felt doomed to become a spinster.
Grace lowered her gaze in defeat as she walked between furrows of tilled earth. Samuel would forever remain in her memory as her first and only love. She would never forget the smell of his skin against her cheek when he’d held her close the day of her accident. Though she’d spent some of that time in a semi-unconscious state, she somehow recalled what her senses had taken in about that day in the absence of complete awareness. It was almost as if her subconscious mind had taken over and filled in for her at a time when she was unable to function.
Knowing it was too early for Samuel to be in his field yet, she continued on her path toward the main road where she could catch the city bus into town to take her to the Greyhound station. This early, Samuel would most likely be in the barn milking the cow, and then he’d gather eggs to cook his own breakfast.
Grace was suddenly puzzled. Why didn’t Leah cook and clean for him? Would he have kept Grace on as haus-keeper even after he married to Leah? Was he thinking he would have Grace serve as mistress to him as well?
The very thought of it made Grace cringe.
Surely he had to know that Leah would not stand for such a thing.
Grace wouldn’t stand for it either.
It was unthinkable.
Tears welled up in Grace’s throat as she came upon the tree where she’d first encountered Samuel. She closed her eyes, remembering one last time how it felt to be in his arms. She wanted to savor every last memory of him. Her love for him had
been pure and without fault. His, however, had been tainted with lies and deceit. She’d looked deep into his sparkling blue eyes that day and had not seen any dishonesty in them even though it had to have been there.
She wondered for just a moment if she could be that dishonest. Could she hurt her cousin and go after the mann she loved?
The answer was a resounding no.
Chapter 34
Leah stretched and yawned, determined to find a way to approach her cousin today and mend fences with her. Grace had been in such an emotional state yesterday that Leah hadn’t dared to bother her for an explanation. She knew Grace would come to her when she was ready, and if she didn’t, Leah wouldn’t let it go too long without saying something. She hoped Grace would be in a better mood today, and the two of them could have the long-awaited talk they should have had when Grace had first arrived for her visit.
Rolling over, Leah noticed immediately the neatly-made bed on the other side of the room. Grace had been gone from it for some time. The smell of kaffi let her know that her mamm had finally returned from the Graber’s haus. Perhaps she would find Grace downstairs eating some breakfast. Her cousin had taken only two meals with them since she’d arrived. But after the way she’d returned the day before yesterday, Leah didn’t suppose Grace would disappear the way she had been every day since she’d arrived for her visit.
Downstairs, her mamm stood at the stove stirring eggs. Leah detected the faintest hint of cinnamon and assumed there would be a loaf of the breakfast bread in the oven. At least she hoped so. It was her favorite, and her mamm didn’t have much time left to spoil her. She would be married soon, and would have to do the cooking in her own kitchen for her own familye.
Leah stepped up behind her mamm and put an arm around her waist. “How is frau-Graber? Did she have a girl or a buwe?”
Her mamm snuggled close to her for a moment and then resumed stirring the eggs, scrambling them to a fluffy perfection. “A healthy buwe. Named him Simeon.”
“Das gut. Now they will have to have another, so he won’t be the only buwe!”
“Nee,” her mamm said. “The confinement of this one tired her out too much. She was lucky she got through this one. Susie has gotten too old. I have a feeling her cycles won’t return when she’s finished nursing him. It would be a gut thing if they didn’t. I don’t think she could survive another pregnancy. This one makes seven, and that is a gut number.”
“Jah, ‘tis Gott’s favorite number,” Leah agreed.
Her mamm smiled knowingly. “Could you tell Grace to come down for the morning meal?”
Leah looked at her mamm with confusion.
“I was hoping I’d find her down here. Her bed is made, and I have no idea how long she’s been gone from it.”
“She’ll turn up,” her mamm reassured her.
Leah went back upstairs to get dressed. She hoped her mamm’s casual attitude about Grace was a correct one. For now, she had the worries of an entire day ahead of her without adding her cousin’s worries on top of it all.
As soon as she entered her room, she noticed Grace’s handwriting on an envelope atop her desk. She rushed to it, tearing open the flap and pulling the letter from within its folds.
Leah skimmed over the letter until her eyes fell upon a sentence she could not grasp.
I’m so sorry that I fell in leib with your betrothed. I didn’t mean to, and if I could take it back, I would certainly do so.
She’d signed the letter, Please forgive me…Grace.
Leah’s heart hammered against her ribcage like an entire community of menner at a barn-raising.
She crumpled the letter and threw it on the desk.
She would not forgive her cousin.
This was unforgivable.
Chapter 35
“Remain calm, dochder,” Leah’s mamm said. “I’m certain there is a gut explanation in that letter Grace wrote. Let me take a look and see if I can figure it out before you get yourself all worked up over nothing.”
Leah shook the letter, but wouldn’t release it from her tight grasp. Anger had gotten a hold on her, and she wasn’t about to see any reason in Grace’s letter. “She confesses to kissing him, Mamm. It’s all in the letter.”
Holding out her hand, Leah’s mamm tried to be patient, hoping this was all just a big misunderstanding. As she scanned the letter, she held a hand to her heart as if it would keep it from pounding its way out. Leah was right. It was all in the letter.
“Have you spoken to Silo and gotten his side of the story?” her mamm asked calmly.
Leah pursed her lips and stomped her foot.
“He kissed Grace; why would I want to hear anything he has to say?”
“Because you are about to marry him, and you owe him the chance to explain if it’s true or not,” her mamm tried to reason with her.
Leah began to cry. “Why would Grace write it if it wasn’t so?”
“Perhaps she was confused. She took a blow to her head in that field. The way she came home the other afternoon worried the doctor. She needs to be found, not judged. You can save that for when you hear both sides of the story. I think you need to get Silo and the two of you need to go and fetch her from the bus station before she has a chance to go back home. Mei bruder will surely have my hide if I let his dochder travel in that condition.”
Leah nodded in submission to her mamm’s request even though she had no intention of listening to anything her cousin had to say. As for Silo, she wasn’t even certain she wanted to be near him either, but she would have to in order to get Grace back home, and that irritated her.
Throwing on her coat, Leah headed out the door against her will. Leah swallowed back the torment of the mental picture Grace had painted in her letter of Silo kissing her.
How could he have done such an awful thing to Leah?
Or had he?
Chapter 36
“You look mighty upset little lady,” the mann behind the glass said to Grace. “Why don’t you go home, and if you still want to leave, I’ll sell you the ticket at four o’clock, just before the bus pulls out of the station.”
Grace didn’t want to leave the station. She wanted to tell the mann to mind his own business, but she kept her eyes cast downward.
“Don’t you have a family that is missing you?” the mann went on. “It seems to me that you don’t appear to be in the right frame of mind to be sitting here all day waiting on a bus when you could be at home with your loved ones.”
“I will stay and wait for the bus. I’m going back home to be with mei own familye,” Grace said quietly.
The older mann twisted his unlit cigar between his teeth and leaned back in his chair with his arms folded over his ample stomach. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll hold the ticket here for you, and you sit and think about it for a little while. If you still feel like leaving, then I’ll sell you the ticket, and you can get on the bus. I just think you might be running away from something when you should be staying here and facing it. I’ve been at this post for over thirty years, and I’ve gotten pretty good at reading people. Now you can tell me I’m wrong, but I’m guessing I’m not.”
Grace wasn’t about to argue with him though he was making her angry. Truth was, if her own daed had been standing here, he would have likely said close to the same thing. She didn’t like being told what to do as if she was a kinner, but she wasn’t going to quarrel with an elder.
Grace took a seat in the corner and leaned her weary head against the dirty wall, not caring. Staring blankly, she allowed tears to run down her cheeks unchecked. She blinked away each one as if it had caused her more pain than the previous one. Her gaze focused on a row of off-white, scoop-backed, plastic chairs that teetered in a line across from her. They rested on a metal bar that looked like it could give-way if the wrong person should take a rest there.
Normally such a mental picture would cause her to let out a giggle, but now, all she could do was stare with unseeing eyes. The numbness she felt had
crept into her heart, trying to take up residence there. She knew if she let it take over, she wouldn’t have to feel anymore, and perhaps the hurt would go away. Grace didn’t think it could be that easy, but she was willing to let it happen that way.
Fear tugged at her as she pictured the look of disappointment in her daed’s face when she returned home. He would surely take her straight to the Bishop for a confession.
She suddenly wished for a way out of this mess—a way that ended in happiness instead of despair.
Chapter 37
Samuel rushed into the bus station to find Grace. In the corner, she sat staring blankly at the wall. She looked sad and helpless.
What had he done?
He’d fallen in leib with her but had broken her heart instead.
He’d wanted to make her his bride but had alienated her before he realized just how important she really was to him.
But how could he marry her with his future all set for him?
Why had he come to her now?
Should he have left her alone and let her get over him in time?
It broke his heart to see how much his carelessness had hurt her. Regardless, he had to set things right. He would not leave without giving her a chance to accept his commitments and his future the way they were. If she could do that, they might stand a chance. If not, then there would be no hope for them. Either way, he could not leave without telling her how much he loved her.
Samuel walked over to her and stood in her line of vision, hoping she’d take notice. When she finally did, she stood abruptly, wiping her tears to cover her embarrassment.
“Samuel, you shouldn’t be here,” Grace said with a shaky voice. “Leah will be looking for you.”
He pulled her into his arms. “You are my only concern at the moment. I don’t want you to leave. I’m in leib with you, Grace.”
An Amish Courtship, COMPLETE SERIES: Amish Novella Page 6
