by Sandy Taylor
Ralph and I still hadn’t talked about Peggy’s new school, but I was determined to find the right time to bring it up again. Ralph had said that I didn’t care about Peggy’s feelings and that had hit a nerve. Maybe he was right, but it was hard to care about someone when they so obviously disliked you. You’d have to be a saint, and I was no saint. But I was the adult here, and it was up to me, not Peggy, to make this work.
I decided to surprise Ralph after work and meet him at his mum’s house. Maybe the three of us could go for a walk, or to the park. I knew that’s what they did sometimes. I hadn’t made any effort to support Ralph. I had only joined him a couple of times at his mum’s. How was Peggy going to accept me if she never saw me? If I was never part of her daily life? It was time for me to put Peggy’s needs before my own. Okay, maybe she would still reject me, but I had to try.
Having made up my mind, I fairly skipped home along the seafront. Tonight I wouldn’t be spending all evening on my own, waiting for Ralph. Tonight I would support Ralph and maybe, just maybe, Peggy would grow to like me a little. I wasn’t expecting miracles, but a small truce would be a start.
I opened the front door of Oriental Place and was just about to go upstairs when Tristan came out of Mrs Toshimo’s flat.
I smiled at him. ‘How’s Stephen?’
‘He’s moaning a lot, so I guess that means he’s feeling better.’
‘When can he come home?’
‘He wants to come home now, today, but they won’t let him go because of all these stairs. He reckons he can get up on his bum, but what if he falls? I’d never forgive myself.’
‘Oh dear.’
‘I’ve just been talking to Rose about it and bless her heart she says we can move in with her until he gets better.’
‘Have you told Stephen?’
‘Not yet. He’s being so obnoxious I’ve a good mind to make him suffer.’
‘You won’t though, will you?’
‘Of course not. I shall give him the good news this evening when I visit. They won’t let him out right away because he’s still in a lot of pain, but at least when he does come home, we won’t have to worry about the stairs.’
‘She’s very good, isn’t she?’
‘You don’t know the half of it, Dottie. Stephen and I owe her a lot.’
Tristan didn’t enlarge on that statement, so I didn’t ask.
‘Fancy a coffee?’ he said, walking up the stairs behind me.
‘No thanks. I’m meeting Ralph tonight at his mum’s.’
‘I’m glad. You seem to be spending an awful lot of time on your own. I’m not being nosy – I just couldn’t help noticing.’
‘Well hopefully that’s going to change. That’s what tonight’s all about.’
‘Well good for you, girl.’
I freshened up a bit, changed my clothes and at the last minute grabbed the brown teddy bear off Peggy’s bed and put it under my arm.
I remembered happy times at Ralph’s house. Christmases and bonfire nights, standing round the huge bonfire that Ralph’s dad lit every year. Holding sparklers in gloved hands and eating burnt sausages, then walking to the end of the garden and wishing on a star and being in love. Now as I approached the house I started to feel nervous. I didn’t even know if I would be welcome.
I knocked on the door, and his mum opened it. She looked really shocked. We’d always got on well, so I couldn’t understand her reaction. I know I hadn’t been round to see them much, but they knew that Ralph and I were living together, and Ralph had never said that they disapproved of it.
She looked really flustered. ‘Dottie,’ she said.
She didn’t ask me in, she just stood there staring at me.
‘Is Ralph here?’ I asked, smiling at her.
‘Erm, no.’
Ralph’s dad came to the door. I’d always liked Ralph’s dad. He’d always made me feel so welcome, and I got the feeling that he thought Peggy should be living with us and not them.
‘Hello, Dottie. We haven’t seen you in a long time! How are you, girl?’
‘I’m fine, Mr Bennett.’
‘Invite the girl in,’ he said to his wife.
‘She’s looking for Ralph,’ said Mrs Bennett.
‘He’s at the park isn’t he?’
Mrs Bennett glared at him. ‘I don’t think so.’
I saw a look pass between him and his wife and he started to backtrack.
‘Well I could be wrong,’ he said.
‘You are,’ said Mrs Bennett.
‘Do you want to come in and wait?’ Mr Bennett asked.
‘No, it’s okay. I’ll try the park.’
I could almost feel Mrs Bennett’s eyes boring into my back as I walked back down the path.
Something was wrong, and I didn’t know what it was.
I walked back across the green and made my way to the park.
All the houses on the estate looked exactly the same – the only difference between them was the colour of the doors. Every couple of years the council came round and painted them. The paint came in two colours, green and blue. All the kids wanted blue, but no one was given a choice. One year we got a blue door and when we ran round to Mary’s house the painters were about to paint her door green. You would have thought that they were about to demolish the house the way Mary carried on. She begged, she pleaded, she cried and then she was sick, right there on the pavement.
Of course Mary being small and cute and by now very pale melted the council man’s heart. He went back to his van and took out a pot of blue paint. That was why, in a row of green doors, Mary’s door was blue. Mary had nearly always got her own way.
I’d always loved living here. It was all I had ever known and all I had ever wanted, unlike Mary, who couldn’t wait to get away. But now as I walked through street after street of identical houses, I was finding it hard to breathe, and I felt that familiar tightening in my chest. I longed for the sea and the taste of salt on my lips. I longed for Oriental Place.
The park wasn’t far away, and I was soon walking through the old iron gates. I saw them straight away. Peggy was on the climbing frame and Ralph was watching her. The little girl was laughing and Ralph was smiling up at her. They both looked so happy that my heart melted. I wanted so badly to be a part of that happiness. I was just about to go over to them when Peggy jumped down and ran across the park. That’s when I saw her.
Fiona had her arms open and Peggy ran into them. Fiona swung her around, the sound of their laughter filled the air and then Peggy was dragging her back towards the climbing frame. Ralph draped his arm around Fiona’s shoulder as they watched Peggy hanging upside down on the bars. Peggy was looking at the world from an upside-down sort of a place, just like her mother used to do.
37
I left the park before they saw me. My heart was beating out of my chest. Ralph’s mother had known. That was way she had acted so oddly – she had known that Fiona would be there. I felt betrayed and oddly ashamed. I wondered how long it had been going on. I didn’t kid myself that this was the first time they had met. All those evenings I had spent alone waiting for Ralph to come home, sometimes waiting until after ten. I’d been a fool. They had made a fool of me. I was all over the place. I didn’t know how to feel or what to do. They had looked so happy, the three of them, like a family. They didn’t need me. I felt so terribly alone and so dreadfully sad.
How many people knew? How many people had kept this from me? Did Rita know? Was she laughing behind my back? And Mary’s mum – had she been in on it? I didn’t know who I could trust any more.
I couldn’t face going back to the flat. I couldn’t face Ralph. At that moment I never wanted to see him again. I felt so betrayed, and like a child I wanted my mum.
I fell into her arms when she opened the front door. I was still clutching the brown teddy bear. What had made me think that a stupid bear was going to make Peggy love me? She loved Fiona. She was never going to love me.
Mum led me
inside and sat me down on the couch. I couldn’t speak, I just sobbed and sobbed till there were no tears left, and all the while Mum held me and stroked my hair.
‘I’m here, my love, I’m here,’ she whispered gently.
When I was eventually able to speak I told her what had happened.
‘Did Rita know, Mum? Did she know?’
‘She better not have known, or I will have something to say about it. But no, Dottie, she’s your sister, she’s family – she wouldn’t do that to you.’
‘But she blamed me for their break-up. She might be happy that they’re seeing each other again.’
‘I suppose she might but not at your expense.’
‘Ralph’s mum knew.
‘All I can say love is that most people do what they think is right. They don’t set out to cause pain. If Mrs Bennett knows that Fiona is spending time with Peggy she’s probably turned a blind eye to it, because she wants the child to be happy.’
‘But what about my happiness, Mum?’
‘You have to talk to Ralph.’
I couldn’t get the image of Ralph and Fiona out of my head. They looked so comfortable with each other; they looked so happy together. The three of them looked more like a family than we had ever done. ‘I can't talk to him, Mum.’
‘He will be wondering where you are.’
‘No he won’t. His mum will have told him that I was on my way to the park. He will have guessed that I saw them.’
‘Then you had best stay here until you decide what you want to do.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’
‘What about work?’
‘I’m not sure I can face it. I’ll see how I feel in the morning.’
‘Do what you think is best, love. Do what makes you happiest.’
‘I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again.’
‘You will, my darling girl, you will.’
I couldn’t believe that I was back in my old bedroom. I lay in the new sheets staring up at the stain on the ceiling. The day’s events were going round and round in my head like a broken record, a series of scenarios where I confronted them both, where I slapped Ralph around the face, where I broke down in tears and Ralph begged my forgiveness right there in the park in front of Fiona. Round and round it went until I thought I was going mad.
After what seemed like hours of tossing and turning, I finally fell into a fitful sleep where I dreamed a load of stuff that didn’t make any sense. When I woke up, all I could remember about it was that I was running away, and that is what I decided to do. I would run away. It was the only thing that made any sense to me right then.
The great thing about being at home was that there was no phone. He would have known that I was here. I had been on edge all morning waiting for the knock on the door, but it hadn’t come. I guess he just couldn’t face me either. That or he didn’t care.
I went down the road and phoned Mrs P at Victoria Terrace. Luckily she was quite happy to let me stay with Polly for a few days. She informed me that the new lodger had left, owing her two weeks’ rent, and that she would get my old room ready for me. Thank God for Mrs P. I also phoned Tom and told him that I was having some personal problems and needed to get away for a few days. He was fine about it and wished me luck. There were so many things rushing through my head that if I didn’t get away, I was going to explode.
I took a chance and went back to Oriental Place to get some clothes. I tapped on Tristan’s door on the way up.
‘You just caught me,’ he said, motioning me into the room. ‘I was just about to visit poor Stephen.’
‘How is he?’
‘I went to see him last night and they’ve got him up and walking. I told them that we would be moving into the ground-floor flat and they said he could come home in a couple of days. I’ve missed him so much, Dottie, I can’t tell you.’
‘Do you know if Ralph’s home?’
‘Haven’t heard a sound from up there.’
‘Do you know if he came home last night?’
‘Now that I can’t say.’
‘I’m going to London for a few days.’
‘Without telling Ralph?’
‘Without telling Ralph.’
‘Can I help?’
‘I’m not sure anyone can help.’
‘Well Stephen and I will be here when you come home. Come and find us and we will give you copious amounts of tea and biscuits.’
‘Can you lie to Ralph if he asks you where I am?’
‘Absolutely. I shall cross my fingers behind my back.’
I smiled at him. He was such a dear man.
‘There you see – you’re smiling. That’s a start, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, it’s a start,’ I said.
The flat was empty, then I saw the envelope propped up on the table. I ignored it. I was scared to open it. Was it a goodbye letter? Was it an I’m-sorry letter?
I didn’t even know what I wanted it to say.
I walked across to the window. We’d long since got rid of the piece of net. Now the glass was gleaming, and I could look straight over the chimneys to the sea. The sea always intrigued me – it was always changing. Sometimes it was calm, sparkling like a precious jewel under the glare of the sun. Other times it was angry, spitting white foam onto the prom. Today it was grey and dull, as if it couldn’t be bothered to be anything else. I went into the bedroom. The bed hadn’t been slept in. I wondered if Ralph had stayed at his mum’s last night. I couldn’t even think that he might have stayed at Fiona’s.
I threw a few things in a bag and left the flat. I was halfway down the stairs when I ran back, grabbed the letter and stuffed it in my pocket.
38
The journey to London seemed endless; I had too much time to think. The letter in my pocket felt like a ticking time bomb. I could have read it now, on the train, but I just wasn’t ready.
Why had everything gone so wrong? Maybe I was expecting too much. After all that had happened between Ralph and I, moving back to Brighton and starting a life together had seemed like the easy bit, but it had proven to be anything but. I wondered how much of it had been my fault. Had I not supported Ralph enough where Peggy was concerned? Had I not tried enough with the little girl?
Mrs P almost hugged me at the door – well she didn’t exactly hug me, but she definitely made body contact in a huggy sort of way – and I was feeling so emotional it made me want to cry.
‘Now you just go upstairs and make yourself at home. I’m sure Miss Renson won’t mind you using a tea bag.’ And she giggled as if she’d just made a joke.
‘Thank you Mrs P… I mean Mrs Pierce, I’ll do that.’
I went into the kitchen and turned on the tap. The water spat as I filled the kettle, and it made me feel at home. I went over to the window and opened it wide. Polly was always cold; it was me who liked the fresh air. Polly said I should live in Siberia. Right now that didn’t seem like such a bad idea. I watched the people on the green and waited for Polly to come home from work. It didn’t feel so strange being back in the flat. I’d been happy here; everything was familiar. The spitting tap, Polly’s nylons draped across the backs of chairs and her beauty magazines piled up on the coffee table. If I felt anything it was that I’d failed. I’d made this big gesture of leaving London and running back to Brighton, and I hadn’t made it work.
Eventually I heard the front door slam and Polly’s footsteps on the stairs. She screamed when she opened the kitchen door.
‘Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? I could have pulled a sickie. Why are you here? Is something wrong? Oh I don’t care why you’re here, I’m just glad you are. Give me a hug.’
We fell into each other’s arms.
‘I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you.’
‘I’ve missed you too,’ I said.
‘Did you know that the mouse had run off? What a hoot. She looked so holier than thou but she scuttled off owing two weeks’ rent and Mrs P swears blind that she took the telephone d
irectory with her. I mean why would anyone nick a bloody phone directory? Oh I’m so glad you’re here.’
This is what I needed. Uncomplicated, funny, loving Polly.
‘How long can you stay?’
‘I don’t know, a few days maybe?’
‘I’m really happy, Dottie, but I can see you’re sad.’
‘I am a bit, but being here with you is helping already.’
‘I think that maybe a visit to Mrs Dickens might be on the cards. What do you think?’
‘I think that would be perfect.’
‘Good, now forget the tea. I’ve got some wine. I went to an office party the other night. We were asked to bring a bottle, but there was so much booze there that I brought it home again.’
‘Wine it is then.’
‘And you can tell me what’s up or tell me to mind my own beeswax. And for God’s sake shut the bloody window.’
I went over to the window and pulled it closed. ‘Pour the wine and I’ll tell you the whole sorry story.
‘I’m all ears.’
We sat either end of the couch with our legs tucked under us. The wine had a bitter taste, but as it hit the back of my throat I felt its warmth run through my body, and I started to relax.
‘Is it the Ralph and Peggy thing?’
‘Worse. It’s the Ralph, Peggy and Fiona thing now.’
‘He’s gone back to Fiona?’
‘I don’t know, but I saw them at the park. He had his arm around her shoulder.’
‘Why? I mean really, why?’
‘I don’t know, but I’m betting it’s not the first time they’ve met.’
‘How could he do that to you after all that’s happened? I mean it doesn’t make any sense. And what about Fiona? He practically dumped her at the altar! What the bloody hell is she doing canoodling with him at the park?’
‘I really don’t know, Polly. All I do know is that if he has been meeting Fiona behind my back, I must have idiot printed across my forehead. If he hadn’t had his arm around her I might just think that he’d met her accidentally. I mean that is possible, isn't it?’
