by Sandy Taylor
‘Anything’s possible. He might have just been tired and needed something to lean on and lo and behold there was Fiona right beside him.’
I couldn’t help grinning. I was so right to come to Polly.
‘Repeat after me: I am gorgeous and fabulous. Eat your heart out, Paul McCartney.’
‘What?’
‘You heard me.’
I raised my eyes up to the ceiling but repeated, ‘I am gorgeous and fabulous. Eat your heart out, Paul McCartney.’
‘Better?’
‘Better.’
We spent the evening catching up, bemoaning Polly’s un-love life and getting tipsy, and that was just what I needed to do.
Polly and I squeezed into the same bed that night. It was comforting to have her beside me. I closed my eyes and wondered where Ralph was right now. Was he missing me? Or was he with Fiona? I eventually drifted off to sleep lulled by the sound of Polly’s gentle snoring.
The next day we took the bus up to Highgate and headed for the cemetery. We stopped on the way to get bread and cheese, not forgetting flowers for Mrs Dickens. Summer was on its way out and autumn was beginning to show itself. You could see it in the changing of the trees and the undergrowth that surrounded the ancient graves. The fallen leaves were slippery under our feet.
As always we were the only ones at her graveside.
‘Hello Mrs D,’ said Polly, sitting down on the old gravestone.
I sat opposite her. It was too wet to sit on the grass as we usually did.
‘Go on then, tell her your problems.’
‘I’m thinking.’
‘What about?’
‘About which problem I should ask her about first.’
‘Just tell it like it is.’
Polly was dressed up like an Eskimo, but I’d taken off my coat so that I could feel the late summer sun on my face and on my bare arms.
Something made me pick up my coat. I put my hand in the pocket and my fingers closed over the letter. Polly wandered off amongst the graves. She liked to read the names of the souls who had passed – that’s how she described them anyway.
I had a sudden urge to read the letter. I took it out of my pocket and traced the outline of my name with my finger. It made me feel closer to Ralph knowing that he had written the word ‘Dottie’. I tore open the envelope and started to read.
Dear Dottie,
There’s not much that I can say, is there? I could say I’m sorry that you saw Fiona at the park. I could say that I’m sorry it hurt you, as I know it must have done, but that’s not going to change anything. I could say sorry for not waiting for you at the flat, but we would have argued, and arguing is not going to help. You see, I made the decision to meet up with Fiona. I made that decision even though I knew it would hurt you. I did it for Peggy. I did it because it was the only thing that I could think of that would bring her some happiness and it has.
I have been torn between the two people that I love most in the world. The only thing between Fiona and I is a deep friendship and a love for Peggy. It’s you that I love, but I hope you know that already.
I can never give you what you want, Dottie. I can never give you what either of us wants, because it’s too late for that. I can’t give you back those two young kids who fell in love and talked of a bright future together. I ruined that future by making one stupid mistake, but that stupid mistake gave me Peggy, and I can never regret that.
I am moving back to my mum’s house. I don’t have a choice. I can’t expect my mum to be responsible for raising my daughter, and I can’t expect Peggy to go on living without her daddy.
This is not a goodbye letter, just a truthful one. Living apart is all that I can offer you. If I lose you, then I lose you, and it will break my heart, but this is not about me – in fact this is not even about us. The bottom line is that I have to make Peggy my priority.
And yes, of course I am sorry for all these things. I am sorry that they have happened to us.
Love always,
Ralph x
I put the letter back in the envelope as tears streamed down my face. It was the saddest thing that I had ever read. It was full of despair – Ralph had given up. His honesty was heartbreaking. He had been brave enough to put down in writing something we both already knew. We had been pretending, playing house, going through the motions of being happy, kidding ourselves that this would all work out. But there was nowhere to go. He was right – he couldn’t give me what I wanted, what both of us wanted. I had been chasing a dream that had died a long time ago, a dream that had died with Mary. The only thing that I could do for Ralph now was to let him go. It had to come from me. He was so full of guilt over Peggy that I couldn’t and wouldn’t add to that guilt by forcing him to finish things between us. I could have clung to the fact that he still loved me. I could have clung to his words, that to lose me would break his heart. In fact, I could have reread the letter and found hope in it. I could have brushed aside what he was saying, and what he was saying was goodbye. My darling boy was saying goodbye.
39
I felt lost. There were times when I just wanted to run to Ralph and tell him that I was willing to accept whatever he was offering, but in calmer moments I knew that I couldn’t do that. I also knew that in the end it wouldn’t make either of us happy. For so many years I had lived in hope – it had kept me going. Even when Ralph married Mary, a part of me hoped that the marriage wouldn’t last, that he would come back to me, that we would raise Peggy together. There were times when I even convinced myself that Mary wouldn’t mind. It was Elton she loved, not Ralph. It was hope that had got me through those dark days. Even after I left Brighton and moved to London there was a part of me that still believed we’d be together one day. Even poor Joe didn’t have all of me – there was always that place in my heart that would forever belong to Ralph. Well it was over. All that hope and yearning was gone. I knew that if I pushed Ralph he would agree to try again. I suppose it could even have worked for a bit, but in the end we would have ended up resenting each other. Best to walk away now. I wrote to him and told him that what he was offering wasn’t enough for me. I wished him well. I let him off the hook.
Polly had wanted me to stay in London, but I needed to be near my family, and I missed Oriental Place. The trouble was that I couldn’t afford the rent on my own, so I had to start looking for another flat. I would have to let Mrs Toshimo know that I was leaving. I would be sad to go. Ralph and I had had some difficult times there, but we had also had some lovely ones. I could have lived there and been happy. Ralph still hadn’t answered my letter.
I was sitting at my desk, going through the pile of manuscripts. I was glad to be busy – it took my mind off the million thoughts that were flying round my head. Millie was filling me in on all that had happened while I had been in London.
‘I wish you’d been here when he walked through the door.’
‘When who walked through the door?’
‘Your Matthew Smith.’
‘My Matthew Smith?’
‘He’ll always be your Mathew Smith, Dottie – you were the one that found him. Unfortunately bloody Celeste-up-her-own-rear-end Partington-bloody-Spencer will always be my Celeste-up-her-own-rear-end Partington-bloody-Spencer.’
I was grinning from ear to ear. Millie had a great way with words, and it just cracked me up.
‘So what is my Matthew like?’
‘He’s beautiful – he’s the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life. I want to go out and buy the wedding dress immediately.
Millie could always bring a smile to my face.
‘He’s sort of old-fashioned, you know. Polite and softly spoken, and my God, his eyes – you could drown in them.’
‘Gosh, he made quite an impression on you, didn’t he?’
‘Just wait till you meet him.’
‘Was he excited about the book?’
‘It was hard to tell. I took coffee into him and Tom twice. I would have tried a th
ird time but that might have been a bit obvious, and you know I don’t do obvious. I do cool.’
‘Did he look excited?’
‘He’s very calm, so maybe he was calmly excited, and he’s got this lovely accent. He doesn’t speak, Dottie, he purrs.’
‘What sort of accent? Is he from up north?’
‘I’m not exactly sure where Africa is, but I suppose it could be up north.’
‘He’s African?’
‘Looks like it. Anyway he’s coming in sometime to meet you.’
‘He’s coming in to meet me?’
‘And sign contracts. Don’t get too excited – I’ve got first dibs on him.’
I grinned at her. ‘I thought you said he was mine?’
‘Only in the literary sense, not the biblical.’ Millie grinned.
The flat didn’t feel much different without Ralph there. I had practically been living on my own anyway. Ralph had moved his things out while I had been in London, and I was glad – it would have been sad to have been here when he left.
I couldn’t put off giving Mrs Toshimo notice, so I went downstairs. Tristan opened the door.
‘Come in, come in! Stephen needs some diversion, and you are just the girl to give it to him. Stephen,’ he shouted, ‘you have a visitor.’
Stephen was lying on the pink chaise longue. He smiled as I came into the room.
‘Amuse me, dear girl,’ he said.
I grinned. ‘I’m not sure that I can amuse you, Stephen. In fact I’ve got some bad news.’
‘Darling girl, what’s wrong?’ asked Tristan, immediately looking concerned.
‘I need to speak to Mrs Toshimo. Is she here?’
‘She’s taking Colin for a walk.’
‘Who’s Colin?’
‘My cat,’ said Stephen. ‘Tristan gave in and bought me a cat. We called him Colin. He’s adorable.’
‘And there’s more hair on the carpet than there is on the cat,’ said Tristan.
‘Admit it,’ said Stephen. ‘You love him.’
‘He’s growing on me.’
Stephen winked at me. ‘He loves him.’
‘So what’s wrong?’ said Tristan.
‘Ralph and I have split up.’
‘Oh, you poor thing,’ said Tristan. ‘Sit down.’
I sat down on one of the green velvet armchairs and promptly burst into tears.
‘Darling girl,’ said Stephen. ‘Tristan, give her one of my grapes.’
‘I’m not sure I can eat a grape right now,’ I gulped, ‘but thank you.’
‘A cup of tea then?’ asked Tristan.
‘She needs wine, Tristan, not bloody tea. The girl’s heartbroken.’
‘Of course she does.’
‘Isn’t it a bit early for wine?’ I said.
‘Depends what part of the world you’re in, darling,’ said Stephen, grinning.
The front door slammed and Mrs Toshimo came into the room. She was holding a pink sparkly lead, on the end of which was a small black and white cat. She bent down and undid the lead. The cat immediately jumped up on the sofa and started licking Stephen’s face.
‘Has Colin been a good boy for his Aunty Rose?’ crooned Stephen.
‘Good as gold, dear. He walks to heel – he thinks he’s a dog!’
‘Well we’re all a bit confused around here,’ said Stephen, gently stroking the little cat.
‘Hello, dear. Visiting the sick are you?’ asked Mrs Toshimo, noticing me.
‘I need to talk to you as well.’
‘That sounds a bit serious, dear. Are you in trouble?’
‘I am a bit.’
‘Not the baby sort?’
‘No, not that.’
‘Her heart’s been broken,’ said Stephen. ‘She has come to us for comfort and solace.’
‘Then we will provide some, dear.’
‘Thank you, but I’m afraid it’s a bit more than that.’
‘Explain, dear.’
‘The thing is, I can’t afford to stay in the flat on my own.’
‘You can’t leave us,’ said Stephen.
‘We forbid it,’ said Tristan.
The kindness of these two lovely men was making me want to cry again. ‘I don’t want to leave, but I have no choice.’
‘Let’s talk about it, Miss Perks, or maybe it’s time I called you Dottie, dear.’
‘Do you want us to leave?’ said Tristan.
‘If you don’t mind, dear.’
‘Come on, hop-a-long, let us adjourn to the bedroom.’
‘Best offer I’ve had all day,’ said Stephen, giggling.
Once they’d gone, Mrs Toshimo sat down on the pink chaise longue and patted the seat beside her.
‘Come and sit next to me, dear, and tell me what has happened.’
I took a deep breath. I didn’t want to cry again. ‘Ralph and I have decided to go our separate ways.’
‘Was it the little girl, dear? I couldn’t help but notice that she never moved in with you.’
‘Yes. Ralph needs to be with her. He wrote me a letter. He was being torn between the two of us, and none of us were happy.’
‘Isn’t he worth fighting for?’
‘I might win the fight, but I think I would lose the war.’
‘Then you are being wise, dear. Sometimes you have to set people free. If they come back it is because they want to and not because they think they have to. Our happiness does not come from another person. True happiness comes from within ourselves. You may feel sad and lonely and disappointed, but those things won’t kill you – they will only make you stronger. People think that the hardest thing is to walk away from someone you love, but sometimes staying can be even harder.’
‘You remind me so much of my mum,’ I said.
‘Do you like it here, dear? Do you like Oriental Place?’
‘I’ve grown to love it. I feel happy here, and I feel safe.’
‘Then you will stay, dear.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘You will stay here in Oriental Place where you feel happy and safe.’
‘But I can’t afford…’
‘We will halve the rent, dear. Will that suit?’
I looked at this woman who hardly knew me but who was offering me a lifeline, and I wanted to hug her.
‘Can I give you a hug, Mrs Toshimo?’
‘Of course you can, dear, and please call me Rose.’
40
Ralph and I were sitting on our favourite bench looking out over the boating lake. Summer was behind us and autumn was making its glorious entrance. The leaves on the trees were slowly changing from green to brown and from brown to orange, falling like snow and drifting across the park. A breeze rippled the water and flopped over onto the path. It was all so familiar this place. We had played here as children, and we had walked here as teenagers. It was here, during those autumn days, that we had grown to love each other. Now it was autumn again, and we were saying goodbye. Ralph had eventually written and asked if we could meet. I had wanted to say no, I had wanted to bury my head in the sand and never think about us again, but of course I couldn’t – we both deserved more than that. Our love deserved more than that.
We were easy with each other; we were familiar with each other’s bodies. It seemed natural for Ralph to put his arm around my shoulder and for me to lean into him. Passers-by could easily mistake us for two young people in love.
We didn’t speak for ages. I didn’t want to speak. I didn’t want Ralph to speak. Words caused pain, and I didn’t think that I could take any more. It was Ralph who eventually broke the silence.
‘Peggy started school,’ he said.
‘Does she like it?’
He nodded. ‘I nearly cried when I saw her in her uniform. I don’t know where the time has gone, Dottie. One minute she was my baby and the next she was walking away from me, without so much as a backwards glance. I managed to hold it together but Mum cried all morning.’
‘I’m glad that
she’s happy.’
‘She is. She’s going to be all right. She’s happy now that I’m with her again.’
‘That’s why we’re doing this,’ I said.
Ralph reached across and took my hand. ‘I thought we could make it this time. I really thought that we could.’
There was a mist coming off the sea and a soft rain was beginning to fall. I pulled my coat closer around me. People were hurrying across the park, seeking shelter in the café. They must have thought that we were mad, sitting there in the rain, but I could have stayed there forever. I remembered the day that I took Ralph to see Oriental Place. We were leaning on the railings, staring out at the sea, and I remembered Ralph saying, ‘We’ll always be together, my love. Nothing can come between us now.’ How full of hope we had been that day and how terribly naïve.
That last meeting with Ralph’s mum was still niggling at me. ‘You’re mum knew, didn’t she? About Fiona.’
‘Yes, she knew.’
‘I left the park that day thinking the whole world knew.’
‘Not the whole world, Dottie, and God, I am so sorry that you had to find out like that. I am so sorry that I hurt you. I never meant to. I did a lousy thing to you, but I honestly believed that I was doing it for the best of reasons. Peggy kept on and on about seeing Fiona. It seemed the least I could do for her. I wanted her to be happy again, but that’s all there was in it. You have to believe that.’
I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked at him. ‘I know.’
He touched my cheek so tenderly. ‘You understand?’
‘I do, I understand.’
Ralph brushed my hair out of my eyes and kissed my forehead. This was torture.
He put his hand in his pocket and handed me a photograph. ‘I thought you might like this. I found it amongst Mary’s things.’
I looked down at the photo of Mary sitting up in the hospital bed with Peggy in her arms. ‘I remember taking this,’ I said.
I had gone to visit Mary just after she’d had the baby. I was dreading going – it was my mum that said I had to. I didn’t want to see the baby that Ralph and Mary had made. But as soon as I looked into the cot at the end of the bed I was smitten. I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She was making little mewing noises like a kitten, and she was rubbing her eyes, then she looked up at me, and I fell totally in love with her. I couldn’t be jealous– this lovely little girl was meant to be here. I remembered thinking, I might not be your mummy, but I will always be there for you. How ironic that seemed now.
