by Sandy Taylor
‘It seems a long time ago, but it’s not really, is it?’ I said, tucking the photo into my bag.
‘There are times when I feel as if I’ve lived two different lives. A life that belongs to Peggy and a life that belonged to you and me,’ said Ralph sadly.
‘I wish it could have happened for us,’ I said. ‘Because I love you. I always will.’
‘I want to say please don’t forget me, but that would be selfish, because I want you to be happy.’
‘I won’t forget you,’ I said. ‘I couldn’t ever do that.’
‘You might, because there is something I have to tell you. I don’t want you to find out from someone else.’
I stood up and walked towards the lake. Big fat drops of rain were plopping onto the water. It looked like an invisible hand was churning everything up. I could feel the rain trickling down the back of my neck and then Ralph’s warm breath against my cold cheek and the weight of his hand on my shoulder as he stood behind me.
‘We’re going to Australia, Dottie. The three of us. We are going to try and make a go of it.’
I felt as though he’d punched me in the stomach. ‘You’re going with Fiona? You said there was nothing between you.’
‘There’s not.’
‘So why then?’
‘I want to make things up to Peggy. I want to give her back what I took from her.’ He shook his head. ‘I might be making one huge mistake here, but I’ve got to try. Fiona loves me, and she loves Peggy as if she was her own.’
That hurt. That really hurt. When Peggy was a baby I had loved her as if she were my own, and I knew by the way her eyes lit up when I walked into a room that she had loved me too. I should never have left Brighton. I should never have let my feelings for Ralph get in the way of my love for her. I should have been braver, but when I lost Mary I lost a part of myself too, and I had to get away from the town that had held too many memories.
I wanted sunsets and happy-ever-afters, not goodbyes. I took his hand in mine and held it against my cheek. If we had to part then we would part in love. I would let him go. We sat quietly, both wrapped in our own thoughts. Eventually I said something that had been on my mind for a while.
‘Have you ever taken Peggy to see her mother’s grave?’
‘I’ve thought about it, but no, I’ve never taken her.’
‘Would you mind if I did? If I took her to see Mary’s grave before you go?’
‘I wouldn’t mind, Dottie.’
There was so much that I wanted to say. My heart and my head were full of words, but none of them would sit on my tongue, none of them would fall out of my mouth, and so I walked away from him. I walked away from the love of my life as my tears mingled with the falling rain, and I didn’t look back.
41
I don't know how Ralph had persuaded Peggy to spend the day with me but I was so happy that she was here. I held her little hand in mine as we knelt beside the grave. The last of the yellow roses were beginning to fade. Soon they would be gone, just as she and Ralph would be gone.
‘What does it say?’ asked Peggy, pointing to the gravestone.
I tentatively put my arm around her shoulder, and she leaned into me. The warmth of her little body filled me with a longing for the life we might have had.
‘It says Mary Bennett, née Pickles…’
‘What does née mean?’
‘It means that she used to be called Mary Pickles, before she married your daddy.’
‘Like Nanny and Granddad Pickles?
‘Just like Nanny and Granddad Pickles.’
She stared at the grave as I continued to read.
‘1946 to 1965. Beloved wife, daughter, sister and mother…’
‘My mother?’
‘Yes, your mother.’
‘What else does it say?’
‘It says loved and remembered always.’
‘I don’t remember her.’
‘I know, and I’m sorry, because she loved you very much, and you would have loved her.’
I felt so sad sitting there beside Mary’s grave. This was the first time I had come here since she’d died. I could feel my eyes filling with tears. I still missed her so much.
‘Was my mummy your friend?’ asked Peggy, breaking into my thoughts.
I wiped my eyes. ‘She was my best friend in the whole world. We were just little girls when we met. Not much older than you. She was hanging upside down on some railings.’
‘I can do that.’
‘I know you can,’ I said, holding her close. I kissed the top of her head. ‘Your mummy was funny and clever and brave and very, very pretty.’
‘I wish she wasn’t in heaven.’
‘So do I, my darling. So do I.’
We stood up. ‘Do you know what I think we should do now?’
Peggy looked up at me. ‘Mmm, go to the park?’
‘Well we could go to the park, but I think that we should go shopping.’
So that’s what we did. We strolled along the street hand in hand. Something had changed between us. She wasn’t angry with me – I wasn’t a threat any more. She would be going to Australia, and Fiona would be her new mummy.
We went into Forte’s ice-cream parlour on the seafront and Peggy ordered a knickerbocker glory that was almost as big as her, and although it was chilly we sat outside looking over the sea, and we listened to the seagulls screech and squawk as they circled the Palace Pier. She grinned at me over the ice cream, her mouth smeared with chocolate.
‘This is yummy,’ she said.
I smiled at her. ‘So are you.’
After she’d eaten as much as she could, we walked into town and made our way to Hannington’s clothes shop. We took the lift up to the children’s department.
‘Shall we choose a dress for you, Peggy? Would you like that?’
‘Okay,’ she said, skipping ahead of me through the racks of clothes.
We chose a selection of dresses and took them into the changing room. We had such fun trying stuff on. I smiled as she posed in front of the mirror. This was how things should have been. This is what I imagined our lives would be like. The reality was that this would be the last time that it was going to happen.
We eventually found a beautiful yellow sundress that she loved. Yellow had been her mother’s favourite colour. If Mary had been looking down on her little girl, I think she would have been happy.
‘Dottie?’
‘Yes, my love?’
‘Do I look pretty?’
I brushed her beautiful red hair out of her eyes. ‘You look fab,’ I said.
I stumbled through those early days, barely noticing my surroundings. I went to work and buried myself in the pile of manuscripts sent in by hopeful writers. I must have eaten, but I couldn’t recall what, though I did sleep, going to bed earlier and earlier. Sleep became my drug of choice, those hours between night and day when I could forget. Waking was the hardest part. I wanted to close my eyes again and not face the day.
I knew that I should go and see Mum and tell her about Ralph and me. I hadn’t been ready to do that, but one Saturday morning I decided to go and see her. I caught the bus up to the estate and walked the familiar route to the house. I went round the back. Mum was hanging out some washing. She put the basket down and gave me a hug that lasted a fraction longer than usual. I could tell right away that she had spoken to Rita and that, because of Nigel, she knew what had happened.
‘I don’t know why I’m bothering to hang it out. It’s bound to rain, but I live in hope.’ She handed me the peg basket. This had always been my job when I was a child.
‘Now let’s go and have a cup of tea.’
I followed her into the kitchen. She washed her hands at the sink then put the kettle on.
I sat down at the table.
‘So how are you, my love?’ she asked.
‘I’m okay, Mum.’
‘I’ve been worried about you. Rita told me the news. I didn’t want to interfere, but I was
thinking about going to find that flat of yours today.’
‘I’m sorry you’ve been worried, Mum, but I needed to sort things out on my own.’
Mum sat down opposite me. You must be very disappointed, after leaving everything in London to come home.’
‘I’m glad I came home.’
‘So you’ll stay?’
‘Apart from things not working out with Ralph, I’m really happy here. I love the flat, and I love my job, so no, I won’t be going back to London.’
‘Is there no hope at all for you and Ralph?’
‘He had to make a choice between me and Peggy, and of course he chose Peggy.’
‘Stop me if I’m interfering, love, but what I can’t understand is where Fiona comes into all this? I mean I can understand him living back with his mum because of Peggy, but why are all three of them going to Australia? That’s what I don’t understand, and I said as much to your Aunty Brenda.’
‘What did Aunty Brenda say?’
‘Well let’s just say that she wasn’t impressed.’
‘I can kind of understand it, Mum.’
‘Well you’re a better person than me, girl. Because I can’t get my head round it at all.’
‘I’m not a better person. I just think that we both gave up. We couldn’t make Peggy happy together, and so he decided to give her what she wanted, what he had promised her, and that was being with Fiona.’
‘Somehow I doubt that he’s made the right decision for any of them.’
‘It’s out of my hands now, Mum. I have to let it go.’
‘I suppose you’ll have to leave the flat now that Ralph’s gone?’
‘That’s the amazing part. My landlady has halved the rent, so I can stay there.’
‘Well that was good of her, but why did she do that? I mean she hasn’t known you that long.’
‘I think she likes me, Mum.’
‘And why wouldn’t she? I shall write a letter and thank her. That’s a very generous thing that she’s done for you.’
‘I know, I couldn’t quite take it in myself.’
‘The kindness of strangers, eh?’
‘She’s so nice, Mum, you’d like her.’
‘She’s been kind to my girl – I already like her.’
‘She’s kind of quirky, but I think you two would get on like a house on fire.’
‘I’m sure that we would. Now I usually go to Rita’s on a Saturday. Do you want to come with me, or are you busy?’
‘As long as she doesn’t go on about how happy they both are for Fiona. I couldn’t take that, Mum, but I haven’t seen her for ages, so I might as well come with you. I haven’t see much of Clark either for that matter. How is he?’
‘Who knows, Dottie. Times have changed. Your poor father can’t get his head round it. Clark seems to spend all his time at Emma’s house. Your dad keeps going on about sleeping arrangements.’
‘Has he talked to Clark about it?’
‘That’ll be the day when your father talks about anything that might even vaguely refer to sex.’
I grinned. ‘Poor Dad. He’s got a daughter, who, until recently, was living in sin and a son whose sleeping arrangements he can only guess at.’
‘Sad isn’t it?’ said Mum, giggling.
‘How do you feel about it all, Mum?’
‘Me? Oh I go with the times, Dottie. As long as people are happy and they’re not hurting anyone, I can’t see any reason to get hot and bothered about it. The trouble with your dad is that he thinks he’s supposed to make a stand, when the truth of it is that he doesn’t really know what he’s supposed to be making a stand about, God love him.’
‘Well at least Rita did it the right way.’
‘Rita was always going to do it the right way, bless her. Now shall we skip the tea and get going? I’m sure Rita will give us one. I’m just going to give myself a lick and a promise, and I’ll be ready. Will you be okay here?’
‘I’ll sit in the garden for a bit.’
Mum bent down and kissed the top of my head. ‘I am sorry, love.’
‘I know you are, Mum.’
‘Okay, I won’t be long.’
I went into the garden and sat on the old wooden bench. Dad and Clark had made it one year for Mum’s birthday. I don’t remember Dad ever making anything again.
I closed my eyes and lifted my face to the sun.
‘Trying to get a suntan are you?’
I opened my eyes to see Carol coming through the garden gate. I smiled at her.
‘I came round to ask Aunty Maureen for your address.’
‘You just caught me. We’re going to see Rita.’
Carol sat down on the bench. ‘Guess what?’
‘You’ve heard from Greg?’
She handed me a letter. ‘I got it this morning. Oh, Dottie, I’m so excited. I haven’t even told Mum yet, I just ran round here. Greg says there’s a small fashion house that likes my look and would like to see me in person.’
‘That’s wonderful, Carol.’
‘It’s more than wonderful, Dottie, it’s bloody amazing.’
I grinned. ‘Yes, it’s bloody amazing.’
‘I want to go now, right now, this very minute!’
‘Well why don’t you?’
‘Not on my own. That’s why I was going to see you at your flat, to beg you to take me again.’
‘Of course I will but not today. Ring Greg and ask if we can come up to London next weekend.’
‘How am I going to wait that long?’
‘You’ll manage.’
‘I suppose I’ll have to,’ she said, pulling a poor-me face.
‘Go home and tell your mum, then go to the phone box and call Greg.’
‘Okay,’ she said in a resigned sort of voice.
She started walking back down the garden.
‘I’m really pleased for you, Carol,’ I said.
‘Thanks, Dottie, and by the way, I’m sorry things didn’t work out with that feller of yours.’
‘You know about me and Ralph?’
‘It’s been the main, boring topic of conversation for bloody weeks.’
‘Sorry.’
‘At least it’s kept everyone off my back.’
‘Happy to oblige, cousin dear.’
‘And I’ll tell you something else. I’m changing my name, and I don’t care what Mum says.
I’m not going to get very far in my modelling career with a name like Carol Pratt.’
I had to agree with her on that one.
I smiled as I sat there thinking about her. I’d never really given her a chance, but to my surprise I found her really good company, and crikey – she actually had a fashion house interested in her. Good for her!
‘Who were you talking to?’ asked Mum, coming out into the garden.
‘Carol was here.’
‘On her own?’
‘Yes.’
‘That’s got to be a first. What did she want?’
‘She came round to ask you for my address.’
‘Why does she want that?’
‘She wants me to take her to London again. There’s a fashion house interested in her.’
‘Well would you believe it!’
‘I’m happy for her, Mum.’
‘So am I, love, and between you and me, I think it’s high time that young lady left home and started spreading her wings.’
We took the bus round to Rita’s and walked through the new estate. Of course it wasn’t new any more, but that was still how people referred to it. Rita looked pleased to see me, which made a change. Miranda Louise was sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by toys.
Mum went straight over and picked her up. ‘How’s my special girl?’ she asked, holding her close.
‘She’s started pulling herself up on the furniture, Mum,’ said Rita, smiling proudly.
‘Who’s a clever girl?’ said Mum. ‘Who’s the cleverest girl in the world?’
‘Where’s Nigel?’ I
asked.
Rita ignored that and said, ‘Can you keep an eye on her, Mum? I just want a word with Dottie.’
‘Of course I will. Nanny likes nothing better that to look after her little girl, doesn’t she, my angel, doesn’t she?’
I couldn’t help thinking that Mum got quite strange around the baby.
‘We’ll go in the garden shall we?’ said Rita, looking at me.
I couldn’t imagine why Rita wanted to go out to the garden with me. I guess I was just about to find out.
We sat down on the white plastic chairs. Rita looked uncomfortable.
‘What is it?’ I asked.
‘Look, I’m just going to say it, okay? It’s best if I just say it.’
‘Say what?’
‘They left this morning. Nigel took them to the station.’ Rita reached across and took my hand. ‘I’m really sorry, Dottie.’
I didn’t have to ask who she was talking about.
42
My heart was broken, but it hadn’t informed the rest of my body. I still needed food, my lungs needed air and my heart still pumped blood around my body. From the outside I must have looked the same; it was the inside that was damaged. There were times when I didn’t think I could survive another minute without being held by Ralph. I could read terrible stories in the newspaper about children dying, volcanoes erupting, houses burning down, but somehow all those tragedies barely touched me. My pain was mine alone, and it was all consuming.
I thought about Peggy often. I hoped that she was happy and that Australia was as wonderful as she was told it would be. I was so glad that we had been able to spend some positive time together. It may only have been one day, but it meant the world to me. Now when she came into my mind I saw a sweet, funny little girl with an infectious giggle rather than the angry little girl that she had been.
