I put my head down and tried to brush tears away, but they just kept falling. “Spence, whatever can you be thinking, or aren’t you thinking at all? We can’t marry. Need I shout it? Why are you pretending that this isn’t the end of everything? For of course, it is.”
“We love each other. I know you love me. I know I love you. Yes, there are impediments, but we can work them out. For God’s sake, Sophia, don’t say you can’t be with me.”
“Sometimes love isn’t enough,” I struggled to say, through my tears.
“I’m remembering the woman who loves the countryside in Twigbury, and cannot imagine anything more wonderful than sharing a life there. Where is the girl who said that she is an eternal optimist?” He was holding on to my hand, and I desperately wanted to turn and throw myself into his arms.
“Spence that was a dream. I wasn’t thinking clearly. You say we can face and overcome the obstacles, but you really have no idea of how that can be accomplished. I don’t either.”
“I don’t know, Sophia. I do not know. I only know that I can’t lose you.” He looked frightened. I wanted to put my arms around him. However, I knew I couldn’t do that. The memory of my mother’s threats forced me to remain steadfast in my arguments. There was not a doubt in my mind that my mother would carry through with her vile threats. I had to keep that from happening.
“Sophia, God has blessed us with something precious. Don’t you see that?” Spence continued to implore.
Of course, I saw that. I had never felt such pain in my life. Had never before experienced such heartache. I felt that my life was over, and knew that Spence shared those feelings. It was hideous and beastly.
“Sophia, it’s obvious that I can’t expect you to give me an answer on any of this tonight. I haven’t figured it all out in my head either. I just know that I love you, and I shall never willingly let you go.”
“No, No.” I shook my head. “It will not work. I have thought and thought about this, and I shall not change my mind. Please stop asking me Spence. You are just making this so much worse....more difficult. It is hard enough. Do you think I like this? Do you think I wouldn’t love to say that I’m certain we can work it all out? But, I know that we cannot. Don’t you see that? If you love me as much as you say you do, you’ll stop torturing me and let me go. ” At least a vast part of that pronouncement was true, although the reasons for why I felt the way I did were a complete mystery to him.
Spence didn’t speak another word. He took me into his arms, and kissed me, as he had never kissed me before. A kiss to last a lifetime. Then he turned on his heel, and strode away from the hotel, leaving me alone in the rain with the magnificent ring still on my hand.
CHAPTER SIX
December, 1935
Bury St. Edmunds
As winter descended, I didn’t return to Willow Grove Abbey. I went back to Drew and Annie’s, never making any mention of what had happened during the previous weeks. I did ring my parents, and tell them that I had ended my relationship with Spence. I hated having to speak with them, but knew that it was necessary in order to protect Spence from any harm. They seemed satisfied with my decision, and acted as if nothing untoward had taken place. That was typical. My heart was crushed, but I tried valiantly to give the impression that I was my usual carefree, young self. I did not attend Papa’s charity dinner. I made the excuse that I had a beastly headache, and stayed home in bed. I doubt that anyone missed me.
In early-December my normal energy seemed low. I was tired all of the time, and only wanted to sleep. I was beastly depressed, and attributed the fatigue to my black mood. Then one morning I awakened with a feeling of nausea and began to count backward. I’d always been regular in my monthly menses. Suddenly the fact that there had been none since two weeks before that passionate November weekend with Spence, hit me squarely between the eyes. There had been none since mid-October. It was the first week of December, and that meant I was three weeks late. It is still embarrassing to admit that I was really quite ignorant about such matters. I had no idea what to do. The thought of visiting a doctor was frightening. I was terrified at the thought of enduring a physical examination, and having to admit that I’d had sexual relations outside of marriage. In 1935, that simply was not acceptable behavior. The dilemma was not something I could talk about with Drew and Annie. I knew that they would only feel tremendous guilt at having been a part of what had become an ill- fated weekend in Twigbury. Telling Blake was completely out of the question. He would tell Spence immediately. Edwina was the only person I trusted to keep the secret. She also had knowledge that came from living a Bohemian existence, which put her in an excellent position to advise me.
She was home from Paris for a full month during a midterm holiday. Immediately, I prepared to travel to Bury St. Edmunds, and spend time with the Phillips family. I was so relieved at the thought of being able to talk about my dilemma, as I was desperately in need of counsel. I hadn’t seen Spence since that last tragic evening at the Royal. Many times, I’d come close to calling him, as I’d lain awake in the early morning hours thinking about him. I still had the ring, and knew that I should return it, but was also certain that Spence would not accept it. Instead, I wrapped it in velvet, tucking it into a special corner of my jewel case. Someday, when the memories were not so raw, I intended to make him take it back. I knew that if I saw him at that moment, I wouldn’t be able to bear it.
Bury St. Edmunds was one of my favorite villages in England, long before I met Edwina. It is located in the county of Suffolk, only two hours from London, so there was no difficulty connecting to Edwina by taking the train from the Capitol. Bury St. Edmunds was primarily a market town of old, and was famous for its brewing. I’d spent many joyous weekends there, while Edwina and I were at school, but I knew that this would not be one of them. Upon my arrival, Edwina collected me, and we drove to our favorite small hotel, Heaven’s Gate, for lunch and a good chat. Edwina looked wonderful. I hadn’t seen her since her move to Paris, and there had been considerable change in my dear friend’s appearance. She had cut her hair to an above chin-length bob, and fairly glowed in a white fur coat. She was still my ‘shining friend’. It seemed that she continued to grow more and more attractive by keeping her weight down, and developing an au courant sense of style. She commented that I looked well, too, but I didn’t think so. There were circles under my eyes, and I was pale and drawn. I’d purposely worn a vivid green dress with matching coat in an attempt to brighten what was a very blue mood. We settled ourselves at a table in the restaurant. The small hotel had been welcoming guests’ since1700, and it always presented a calming haven with fresh flowers, polished tables, gleaming mirrors and pale Edwardian prints. We traditionally went there when I was in Bury. I shed my coat and draped it over the back of the chair, as did Edwina.
“Well, Lady Sophia,” how goes the search for the suitable man?” Edwina joked, as she lighted a cigarette, and settled in for our long chat.
“Not so well, Edwina. Things are not well at all,” I answered. It was clear that I was under a great deal of stress and was feeing miserable. I twisted a small pearl ring around on my right pinkie finger.
“Oh Sophia! I am sorry. I was teasing. Whatever is the trouble? You seem more upset than I’ve ever seen you.” Edwina quickly rearranged her expression to fit the obvious fact that she was about to receive unhappy news.
“I’m afraid I’ve made an awful mess of things. Just a terrible, terrible mess.” I was holding back tears.
“How so?” Edwina asked. “Something has upset you fearfully. Is it your mother again?” Obviously, the first thing that came to Edwina’s mind was that my upset had something to do with my mother, and of course, she wasn’t mistaken. Nearly every time Edwina had ever seen me upset during our friendship, it had been due to some difficulty with Mummy.
“Yes... Well, I’m not certain where to begin. Of course you remember Spence?”
“Yes, of course. The dreamy doctor. Are you still seei
ng him? I thought him immensely attractive.”
“Yes, well, of course he is. However, there are difficulties. Besides being Catholic... Irish Catholic... and not titled... there is another gigantic problem...” I was interrupted by the waiter’s appearance, presenting a luncheon menu. There was a period of silence while we studied the menu and made our selections. I ordered a Shepherds’ Pie and Edwina chose fresh fish fillet. After the waiter left with our order, we resumed our conversation
“What on earth are you referring to? Edwina asked.
Edwina, I saw my parents last month and confessed my love for Spence. Spence asked me to marry him in November.”
“That’s smashing, Sophia! I thought he was perfect for you from the first time I met him. You have to be filled with joy. Why the sad face, then?””
“No... Wait, Edwina, let me finish. I talked to them, and told them everything. I told them that I loved Spence and that he loved me. I confessed that he is Catholic, Irish and untitled. Of course, it was a dreadful scene. I was prepared to walk away from them if necessary, as I’d made the decision that a future with Spence was the most important thing to me.”
“Good girl,” exclaimed Edwina, as she lighted another cigarette.
“Yes, well, unfortunately, I didn’t count on Mummy’s cruelty. She threatened to ruin Spence if I continued my relationship with him... Said she would use Papa’s power and their money to blacken Spence’s reputation...that he would never be able to practice medicine again. She came right out and said that she would pay money to a prostitute to have her swear that Spence had performed an abortion. It was appalling.” I put my head in my hands.
“My God, she is beastly. Do you really think she would do such a thing? Sophia, could she just be threatening you, to frighten you into submission? You know she’d be very capable of such a thing.”
“There’s no way to know. Mummy generally stops at nothing to get what she wants. You know that. Papa would not give me any support. I think it’s entirely possible that she would do anything to stop me from making what she sees as a dreadful mistake.”
So, what did you do?” Edwina’s face took on a puzzled frown.
“I ended it with Spence. I lied, and told him that I’d thought everything through. That his religion was a horrible obstacle, and that I didn’t want to marry outside of my class.” I uncovered my face, and looked at her with the dreadful depression I felt clearly showing on my face.
“Sophia, you didn’t!” Edwina threw her hands up in horror. Her cheeks, had become quite flushed.
“Yes, and there appears to be a new wrinkle in this mess.”
“What more could happen?” Edwina asked, her blue-green eyes glistening with tears of sympathy.” I can’t imagine how this could get any worse. I’d like to slap your mother.”
“Edwina. I think I may be pregnant.” I took a sip of water.
“No! Sophia Somerville! You?” One hand flew to her mouth and the other to her chest.
“Yes, me, Edwina. I’m scared to death, and don’t know what to do. I so hope that you can help to advise me. I feel like such a nit. ”
“Are you sure about this Sophia? Perhaps you have worked yourself into such a twit that you have made yourself sick””
“Oh I wish that were so. I don’t feel well. I’m sick in the mornings and extremely tired. I haven’t had my monthly since before Spence and I were together at the first of November, and my breasts are very tender and sore. What do you think?”
“Well, that certainly covers most of the signs. You definitely must see a doctor I assume you haven’t yet, have you?”
“No, who would I see?” The only doctor I know is Spence, and our family physician in Bedminster-with Hartcliffe.” I was wide-eyed with fright.
“Yes, I see what you mean, she answered, biting her bottom lip.” Well, that is the first thing you must do. I can arrange for you to see a doctor here. He’s wonderful. I‘ve known him since I was a child. He won’t be judgmental, I promise.”
Will you come with me? I simply could not do such a thing by myself. I feel so stupid.”
“Don’t feel stupid. More worldly people than you have found themselves in such a predicament. Let me ring the doctor’s office this minute and set up an appointment. This shouldn’t be put off, Sophia. Once you know for certain, we can discuss what choices you have.” Edwina excused herself and went to ring the doctor, while I sat alone at the table, wondering what was going to become of me. Oh Lord...if I could only tell Spence. He would take care of me... would marry me... everything would be fine. However, my parents would intervene...would stop it. It was out of the question. Perhaps it would turn out to be a false alarm. I’d heard of girls who worried themselves into a frenzy, missing their monthly curse, and they were not pregnant at all. Such thoughts ran through my mind the entire time Edwina was away from the table.
She returned and announced that the doctor could see me at three o’clock that very afternoon. Thus, we had time to eat lunch and relax a bit before the dreaded appointment. I was apprehensive but also terribly relieved to have a direction in which to point. I had been so topsy-turvy with fear, naiveté, immaturity, and ignorance that I hadn’t known where to turn.
***
Three hours later, we left the doctor’s cottage. He’d all but confirmed that indeed I was expecting a baby. He conducted a test to absolutely verify the pregnancy, but it would take a couple of days to yield results. However, he said that from the physical examination he was virtually certain that I was pregnant about six weeks. I accepted the news more calmly than I might have imagined, but I’m sure I was in shock. Edwina was still having trouble believing that I’d had sexual relations with Spence. Not that she was judgmental or critical... just surprised that it was happening to me... her virginal friend. “Sophia, I don’t mean to pry for the more lurid details,” she said, as we walked back to her auto, “but I just never thought to see you in this kind of situation. How did this happen? Were you intoxicated?” she asked.
“Nothing of the sort,” I laughed. “In fact, I was sober as a judge.” Edwina began to drive toward her parent’s home. “It simply happened, Edwina. I love him. He loves me. It only happened that one weekend.”
“What rotten luck. There was just the one time?”
“Well...just the one weekend. A few times. Several, actually.”
“That must have been a rather interesting weekend,” Edwina smiled.
I gave her a nasty look.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be flippant, she smiled.”
“It’s all right. It was quite a weekend. I’ll remember it forever.” I was looking out of the car window at the snowflakes that were beginning to fall. What on Earth was I going to do? There was no easy answer to such a conundrum. I wanted the baby. After all, it was Spence’s child. Naturally, what I really wished was that I could have his child and him as well. But, I still couldn’t see how that could ever come about. Baby or no baby, my parents’ were not going to accept Spence as a son-in-law. With this new wrinkle, they would probably contemplate charging him with rape! I would still be forced to adopt out the child. That was absolutely not going to happen. Never.
Edwina’s next comment broke into my thoughts. “You’ll have a reminder of it forever, I’m afraid. How do you feel about this?”
“I don’t know. I cannot imagine that I’m really going to have a baby. Spence’s baby. That makes all of the difference, Edwina. This is Spence’s baby, and it means that I have a part of him inside of me. I shall always have a part of him in my life. I’m happy about that.”
“Doesn’t this change things?” she asked, as she made a left turn toward her parent’s house. “Don’t you think you should tell him now? Surely your parents wouldn’t forbid a marriage when there’s a baby involved?”
“Oh yes they would, Edwina! I suspect they would pack me off to some faraway place, and invent a story about my studying abroad or whatever. They would probably force me to place the baby for adop
tion. I shall never allow such a thing to happen. Mummy and Papa absolutely cannot know of this.”
“How can you keep them from knowing, Sophia? A pregnancy isn’t exactly something you can keep secret forever.”
“Perhaps I could pretend that I wanted to go away somewhere? Perhaps I could say that I want to move to Paris with you?” I reached over and nudged Edwina in her ribs. “That’s a perfect solution.”
“Sophia, that would be fine, and you know I would do anything to help, but at some point you would still have to explain a child.”
“Quite right. I’m not thinking straight. That won’t do at all.” I bit my cheek, as I’ve always been prone to do at stressful moments. “Well, then there’s only one other solution.”
“I’m, sorry, dear heart, but I’m not following you,” she answered.
“There’s only one other solution. I’ll have to get married, and rather quickly.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ll have to find a suitable husband very quickly. He will become the father of my baby.”
“Sophia. Are you implying that you would let someone else think it is his baby?”
“That’s precisely what I’m saying.”
“Oh my God in heaven!” Edwina rolled her eyes. “Have you lost your mind? Sophia, men are not total idiots. They know how many months it takes to make a baby. If you were to try such a daft scheme, this imaginary husband will be certain to learn the truth when the baby arrives.”
“I’ll simply have to worry about that when it happens. Babies arrive early all of the time.” I smiled, undoubtedly looking as though I’d now discovered the perfect solution.
“Sophia, you don’t even know who the poor man is yet. This baby will be arriving very early.”
“Oh, but I think I do know who the baby’s father will be,” I mused.
Willow Grove Abbey: A Historical World War II Romance Novel (The Somerville Trilogy) Page 10
