“I know that I would never, ever have betrayed your trust.”
“I didn’t think of it that way. I honestly thought you might be happy that your dearest friend and your father were in love. I didn’t know what I was going to do at that point. I asked Nigel to give me time to think.”
“And...”
“And the next night I went to bed with him,” she said, rather calmly.
“My, my. You thought about it a long time,” I countered.
“I was in love, Sophia. I’m sorry if you’re hurt, but I’m not sorry I fell in love with him”
“What of my mother,” I asked?
“What of her? I don’t respect her. Never have. She’s beastly to your father. She’s beastly to you. Pamela doesn’t deserve him. If she truly loved him, she’d let him go. She would want him to be with someone who could make him happy, and be a better wife to him.”
“Are you daft? Even a more stable woman than my mother wouldn’t think that way. Never in my life have I heard of a wife who would willingly give up her husband to his mistress, because she believed that the ‘other woman’ would make him happier! This is all pure poppycock!”
“No, no Sophia. I’m talking here about unconditional love. If she loved him... really loved him... then she would love him unconditionally. And that means that she would want him to be happy, no matter what. Don’t you understand that?”
“No, Edwina, I don’t. That is not love. What about the vows they made to one another when they married, and pledged to spend the rest of their lives with one another? For better or worse?”
“Well, your mother didn’t turn out to be the person he thought she was. She put on a huge act to get him. She saw a good thing and went after it. Well, she got him, and she’s made his life miserable ever since.”
“And I’m beginning to wonder if he didn’t have something to do with that. It wasn’t Mummy who went after Papa. He had inherited Willow Grove Abbey and had learned that the estate was almost totally insolvent. He had to find a wife very quickly, who could provide a large dowry. Mummy met all of his qualifications.”
“Sophia, naturally she did. Any woman of means would have been more than happy to give him whatever she had, if it solved his problems and made him happy. That is unconditional love.”
“No, Edwina, I don’t know that. And there are things about him that you don’t know. Your foolish comments about so-called ‘unconditional love’ are so much drivel. If Papa was simply looking for love, why did he make certain that the wife he chose could provide him with heaps of money? Perhaps Mummy has always felt, deep down, that Papa never really loved her, but only married her for money he so desperately needed. Perhaps that accounts for her behavior. Who knows how differently she might have been, if she had truly felt loved? At any rate, I don’t think that you are in a position to be telling me about my father.”
“I think I know him a bit better than you do,” she shouted.
“I’m sure you do, in certain ways. But, I have known him and my mother for a lifetime.”
This wasn’t the Edwina I had always known. It was true that she’d always had some values that were different from mine, but we could never have been as close as we’d been, if our values were so divergent. I couldn’t think what direction I should take. I knew Edwina would call Papa the moment our conversation ended, and if he was as taken with her as she implied, he would not be supportive of me in any way.
“Are you going to tell your mother,” Edwina asked? I had a grave suspicion that Edwina hoped I would tell my mother. I believe that she thought all of her problems might be solved if Mummy knew the truth, as she assumed that there would undoubtedly be a divorce if the affair became known. That would leave Papa free to marry her. But, what about Dieter, and what about the baby?
“I don’t know. I don’t think I’m going to tell her,” I answered. “It would probably kill her.” I did not know what else to say. “I need time, Edwina. This is a tremendous shock. I don’t see how we can continue on, as though nothing has happened, and yet I don’t know how to do anything else. I’ve always loved you so, and of course I love Papa. But, I cannot imagine the two of you involved in a relationship. I don’t know how I can bear this. We cannot just go back to our old ways, Edwina. That simply isn’t possible.”
“Please think very hard about it. We need to talk more. I need you to understand my feelings.”
“It would help if you tried to understand my feelings, as well, Edwina,” I answered. “And whose baby are you carrying?” I blurted out. There was a sinking feeling in my heart. My God! Was Edwina carrying a brother or sister of mine?
“No... No, Sophia. The baby is Dieter’s. At least I think it is. I don’t want Dieter to know, because I’m not certain what I’m going to do. I wish I didn’t have to go through with the pregnancy. On the other hand, if the baby is Nigel’s, I’d want it very much. This is very much like what you went through with Isabella.”
“Edwina, you really have lost your mind. In the first place, Spence was not married. Secondly, I had only had sexual relations with one man, when I married Owen. Thirdly, I knew who the baby’s father was. Yes, I did lie to Owen, and that was wicked of me. If I could turn the clock back, I would never have done so. But, all in all, there is absolutely no resemblance between my situation with Owen, and yours. Edwina, I do not understand how you can’t be certain who the father of your child is?”
“Oh, Sophia, don’t be obtuse. You know exactly how it would be possible for me not to be certain.”
“In other words, you had relations with both of them at about the same time. Right?”
“Yes. And, if it is Nigel’s child, then I know he would leave your mother and marry me. I just know it. If a woman loves a man unconditionally, then she wants him to be happy, no matter what. You mother couldn’t possibly stand by and watch your poor father be labeled the father of a bastard. Not if she truly loves him. And if you loved him unconditionally, as a daughter ought to, then you should want him to be with me instead of your mother. I am praying that this child is Nigel’s. Nothing would thrill me more. Don’t you see that this baby would be your half-brother or sister?””
“Oh yes, Edwina. I understand that all too well. And you expect me to be happy about such a thing? My God, Edwina, what do you intend to do about your marriage? Are you going to let Dieter think that this is his child, when it may not be? Are you going to divorce him? Or, does he know of your affair? Does he even know about the child?”
She answered in an exasperated tone. “Sophia. I haven’t the slightest notion what I’m going to do about my marriage, other than of course, I don’t intend for it to continue past the birth of my baby. I have no intention of letting my child be called a ‘bastard,’ I want Dieter’s name on the birth certificate, unless of course, Nigel leaves your mother and we are either married or about to be, when the child is born. Then, I would put ‘Somerville’ on the Certificate. Yes, if I must let Dieter think he is the father, I shall. You weren’t above doing that when you married Owen to give Isabella a father.”
She was correct about that. “Yes, I’m well aware of that. It was a ghastly thing to have done. I was acting like a child, and I never, ever should have done what I did. I shall spend my whole life trying to make up for doing such a rotten, vile thing.”
“Well, haven’t you turned into a little Saint? I wonder if you’d be saying that if Spence weren’t back in your life, and you weren’t hoping to snag him and make him the legitimate father of Isabella.”
“Edwina that is an unkind and unnecessary comment. Spence is Isabella’s legitimate father. You know that I have loved Spence from the moment I laid eyes upon him. Of course I’d love to see my precious little girl have the father she should have had since birth. But, that has nothing to do with my feelings regarding whether it was right or wrong for me to have done what I did when I married Owen.”
“No matter, Sophia. Believe whatever you wish. I have my own problems to deal with
. My only concern at present is whether or not I can marry your father before I give birth.”
“I think you’re being terribly narcissistic, Edwina, and terribly irrational. I’m telling you right now that I don’t believe Papa will ever leave my mother. They have a history together... a long history. They have raised three children together.”
She laughed. She actually laughed. “I think I know him a bit better than Pamela does.”
“You may know him in a different way than she does, Edwina, but not necessarily better,” I retorted, in outrage.
“Ha! I had my first orgasm with him,” Edwina shouted.
I was aghast. This was beyond the pale. No daughter should ever have to hear such a thing about her father and her best friend. There were not words to express my fury. “Edwina, I cannot discuss this with you any further. I’m thoroughly disgusted with you at the moment. Please don’t try to contact me. I need to ring off. I shall think, and try to be fair. I’ll try to see this as I would if I’d just learned that my father was engaged in an affair, but that the other woman wasn’t you.”
“Yes... yes... that’s a good way to think of it, Sophia. We can get through this. Think of all that we’ve weathered in the past.”
“I am thinking about everything we’ve been through together. The problem, Edwina, is that my father is engaged in an affair with my best friend. I don’t see how I can just pretend that isn’t true.”
Edwina had been the best... the dearest friend any girl could ever have been blessed with. If I concentrated upon the past, perhaps I could survive the shock. Nevertheless, it was the present that I couldn’t cope with.
“I need time to think,” I shouted, slamming down the receiver. Our conversation ended, but my upset didn’t. I had no idea what the future held, and was surely in a state of shock. What I’d always done when placed into a position where I felt unable to cope, was retreat into denial. And, looking back, that’s exactly what I did. In a pathetic attempt to retain my closeness, both with Edwina and with my father, I decided to live with the knowledge of their involvement, as though nothing had changed. It was a repeat of my old need to win my parent’s approval. With a new twist. I thought that if I gave my blessing to the illicit affair, Papa would be forever grateful, and his approval of me would skyrocket. And it actually worked, for a while, until I had to face the fact that it wasn’t a game. It wasn’t pretend. Edwina and I were no longer school girls, giggling over crushes. There were real persons involved.... My mother, father, my school roommate, and me. It was absurd for me to believe that it could ever end in anything but heartache.
***
Papa rang early the following morning. Naturally, I’d been expecting his call. I was already up and dressed, and Isabella had been fed. Martha had taken her for an outing.
“I gather you had a rather disquieting conversation with Edwina last night,” he began. He sounded somewhat ashamed, but one could never tell with Papa. He was so terribly good at playing any role he was thrust into.
“Quite,” I answered. “Are you able to speak openly?”
“Yes. Your mother is still sleeping. Sophia, I’m sorry if this has upset you. This isn’t how I planned to tell you.”
“Did you plan to tell me at all?” I’m certain he could hear the anger in my voice. I didn’t make any attempt to hide it. I was still simmering over Edwina’s comments of the night before.
“Eventually, I suppose I would have told you. I don’t know, Sophia. I’ve been swept away in a storm of emotion. Just completely swept away.”
“That’s rather obvious Papa. And, it seems that Edwina has been swept right along with you. I am having a very difficult time understanding how you could have initiated such folly. And before you say anything more, I understand about things like this,” I continued, as I my thoughts turned to Spence and me. “But, Papa, the person you’re swept away by is Edwina. Did it not matter to you that she was my dearest friend?”
“Sophia, Edwina needs you. Don’t abandon her now. She is frightened and alone. And, please don’t forget she’s pregnant. ”
“Papa, don’t you realize that there are other people involved in this besides merely you and Edwina?”
“Yes, of course I do.”
“What are your intentions? Do you plan on leaving Mummy for Edwina? What of Edwina’s marriage?” There was complete silence. “Again, I’m asking what you intend to do about your marriage, Papa.”
“I shall never leave the mother of my children. I’ve told Edwina that.” I had a tremendous sense of relief. However, knowing what Papa’s intentions were worried me less than knowing what Edwina’s were. And Edwina’s were to manipulate Papa into marriage.
“I believe Edwina has hopes that you’ll change your mind. She thinks she can convince you in time that she would be a better wife for you.”
“She probably would be a better wife for me, but I don’t have the strength to go through the horror of a divorce with your mother.”
I felt somewhat better when he told me that. Perhaps the affair would simply run its course. Edwina would soon tire of being the other woman. In my opinion, she was definitely not suited to a back-street existence. While I had always adored Edwina, I felt strongly that, like my mother, the aura of power that surrounded Papa, due to his position in the nobility, was a strong attraction. I also couldn’t forget that Edwina’s own father was twenty-eight years older than her mother. I thought of some of the theories I’d learned in my studies with Dr. Hausfater. How patterns in one’s past tend to repeat themselves... How people try to get right as adults the things they aren’t able to get right as children. Was Edwina seeking a father figure? And was Papa simply going through a mid-life crisis, or was there deeper meaning to his actions? Was he playing out fantasies with someone whom he thought of as a daughter? There were no answers to those questions. There was only speculation, fueled by the small amount of knowledge which I had about the human psyche. That same theory made me think about my relationship with Spence. Was I, too, seeking a father figure? Certainly, I relied heavily upon Spence for advice, and if there was one or the other of us that was more the child, it was certainly me. It was Spence whom I ran to for advice, and rational thinking, when I found myself faced with some trauma or other. I needed to think more on that subject, and begin to work harder on becoming more mature.
“Papa, I don’t know what to say to you. I’m stunned by all of this. I love you, and I don’t want to create trouble between us. However, I’m not certain that I can live with this knowledge, and keep silent. Do Blake and Drew know about this?”
“Blake does. Andrew does not.”
“And what is Blake’s view?”
“He’s perfectly all right with it. You know that he doesn’t especially feel that Pamela is a good wife or mother. I suppose he feels sorry for me. He wants me to be happy. He has his own life, and feels I should make my own decisions about what makes me happy. Of course, he has been divorced and re-married, and apparently has no regrets.”
“Yes. Well, I certainly wouldn’t cite Blake as a role model. I’m not one bit certain that he doesn’t wish he’d stayed married to Elizabeth. Susan doesn’t fight back with him, as Elizabeth did. She just takes what he dishes out, and then does exactly as she wishes. She is devious. Anyway, Papa, I don’t really care what Blake thinks. Your mistress isn’t Blake’s’ best friend. There’s a distinct difference. Also he’s never had the relationship with Mummy that I’ve had. I know she’s been beastly to me…to all of us. But, she is still my mother. I respect that. I think I understand her better than any of the other family members. Beneath her facade of dominance, there is a wounded soul. I believe she craves your love, but is frightened of letting you know that she needs it. If I feel sorry for anyone in this muddle, I feel sorry for Mummy. As I have grown, and studied, I have begun to understand how very much one’s upbringing plays a part in future behavior. I’ve never known a lot about Mummy’s parents, but I do remember her speaking of what a total
shrew her mother was. Perhaps she simply copied her own mother’s behavior. All I know is that she must have a great deal of pain inside of her, and I wish we had all tried harder to let her know that she is loved.”
“You have too kind a heart, Sophia. Do you intend to tell your mother what you’ve learned?”
“No. I’ve thought and thought about it. I cannot be the one to cause her that sort of heartbreak. I’m going to hope that you mean it when you say that you’ll never leave her. I’m going to hope that this is a passing fancy. I’ll to try to understand, and be a friend to Edwina, as well as a loving daughter to you.”
“Thank you, my dear. Thank you so much.”
“Don’t thank me yet, Papa. I’m going to try, but I’m not at all certain I can do it. And, this doesn’t mean that I’m condoning the affair. I’m not.”
“Just knowing that you’ll try means the world to me. You’re an incredible woman.”
I am chagrined, even today, to admit that I was thrilled to hear those words, and I am still humiliated for being so needy. I was bowing to his wishes in order to gain his approval and praise, and I was well aware of it. Over the years, I have regretted my actions a thousand times over, and have never forgotten that beastly conversation.
CHAPTER TWENTY
December, 1939 – Summer, 1940
Willow Grove and France
Spence returned to London for Christmas, and I had never been so happy to see anyone in my life. He came straight to Sumner Street, and Isabella and I made a great fuss over him. He was wearing his Royal Air Force dress uniform, and I couldn’t take my eyes from him. I wanted to memorize every detail, knowing we would soon be parted again. While he was warm and loving to Isabella, he was distinctly distant with me. He wasn’t in any way mean or hurtful, but made it clear that he did not want anything to be misunderstood. We sat in the parlor and sipped tea in front of a roaring fire. There was a clear, blue sky outside, but it was beastly cold. There was a forecast of snow. I had a small Christmas tree in the corner, which Isabella and I had decorated with popcorn strings, cranberries and chains made of colored paper. Isabella was so thrilled to see Spence that she wore herself to a frazzle, chattering about all of the things that had happened in her life since she’d last seen him, and playing with the small models of ‘Spitfire’ airplanes that he brought to her.
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