After she’d gone to bed and he was preparing to leave, I immediately told him what I’d learned about my father and Edwina. He was calm and thoughtful about my news, as I knew he would be. It was his nature. When I told him that I felt hideous, pretending that everything was all right in front of my mother, he helped me to analyze the situation in more depth.
“Sophia, what precisely are your choices?” he asked.
“Well, I could end my friendship with Edwina. If that’s even what you could call it anymore. Or, I could refuse to listen to anything Papa has to say about her, nor play any part in their illicit relationship. Or, I could tell my mother. I have thought most frequently about the latter.”
“And, what do you suppose any of those things would accomplish?”
“Perhaps nothing, except any of those actions might make me feel better, since I’d be living up to my standards. I absolutely hate this subterfuge, Spence. You know that I promised that I would not lie any more. Yet, here I am in the worst position I’ve ever been in... . Well, perhaps not the worst... the worst was with you and Isabella, but still, this is pretty horrific.”
“I agree. It is a ghastly position to be in. I do think you can take off the hair shirt though, in this instance. If you were to take any of the actions you just cited they would accomplish more than just the obvious. If you cut off your friendship with Edwina, sooner or later, your mother will want to know why. Another lie will have to be told, to explain yourself. If you refuse to communicate with your father about this, you will lose any hope that he will hear what you are saying, and end this thing before there is more hurt. Lastly, if you tell your mother, you are surely courting disaster. I don’t think you will be thanked. I think she will turn on you with vengeance. She will blame you for everything. That’s your mother’s nature. She certainly wouldn’t look to herself, and ask the hard questions about what part she might have played in this. Frankly, Sophia, I don’t think you really have a lot of options here. ”
“But Spence, you are the one who so detests lying. You are the one who lost all trust for me because of the lies I told. Now you’re saying that it’s better for me to continue on in such a vein?”
“They are two entirely different situations. I don’t want to rake up everything that happened between us, Owen, and Isabella. But, you didn’t start out committing adultery or planning to hurt anyone. You were a young girl, who panicked and made a terribly unwise choice. That isn’t the case in this instance. In this case, you father and Edwina seem to be acting like selfish children. They are betraying your mother, you, Dieter, and the child she is carrying. You played no part in their decisions. Now, you are the one who is left with trying to stop the heartache.”
I saw that he was right, and it helped to assuage my guilt. But, it was so terribly hard for me to be around my mother, or even to speak to her on the telephone, when I knew the lies she was being told on a daily basis. In only a few days, I was planning a Christmas trip to Willow Grove Abbey, and was dreading it. I didn’t know if I could face it, and told Spence as much.
“Would you like me to accompany you?” he asked.
I was completely thrilled. “Of course, I would. Isabella would be ecstatic. It would just help so much if I felt that I had someone there who knew the whole truth and was on my side.”
“I want you to be utterly clear about why I would do so,” he replied. I don’t want any misconceptions. Since I haven’t anywhere else to be for Christmas, and have no family to spend it with, I should love to spend it with my daughter. And with you. But, I don’t want your family, or you, to get ideas about us. I’ve told you how I feel Sophia. You know that I respect you, and care for you, but I don’t want any other relationship. Not now. Please don’t feel that I’m being selfish. It’s just the reverse, in my mind. I’m trying to save both of us from future heartache.” His words hurt, but I swallowed my pride, and told him that I understood completely.
And so we went to Willow Grove Abbey for Christmas. I was so proud of him. He wore his uniform and the gold wings that signified his rank as an RAF Flight Surgeon. His finely chiseled features gave him an air of masculine refinement, and I would have given anything if I could have announced that we were going to be married. We entered through the Great Hall, and then proceeded to the drawing room, where the family was already gathered. Everyone stood, with kisses all round for me, and handshakes for Spence. He immediately went to Mummy and kissed her on the cheek, which brought a flush to her face. Papa clapped his hand on Spence’s shoulder. “Right. Shall we call you Doctor Stanton, or Group Captain Stanton?”
“Either is appropriate, but I’ll settle for Spence, Sir.”
“And I’ll settle for Nigel,” Papa replied. “Let me get you a drink,” he added.
“Thanks. A spot of scotch and water would be nice,” Spence replied.
“Well, this is indeed marvelous, Papa said, as he proceeded to gather refreshments. “It’s wonderful to have all of my children here, and we’re delighted that you could join us, Spencer.”
“Yes. I’m delighted too. I’m especially delighted to be sharing this holiday with Isabella. Sophia has been so generous about that, and I can’t thank your family enough for your hospitality.”
“Of course you must be thrilled to be with your daughter on the holiday. You know that you’re welcome in our home any time,” Papa concurred. The men soon broke up into a small crowd, and began to discuss their military responsibilities, and concerns about the war. Annie, Susan, Mummy, and I sat down, and discussed our own concerns, but we tried not let our fears creep into what we meant to be a happy Christmas. Isabella ran off to her old bedchamber, to see if everything was still the same.
“What do you hear of Edwina,” asked Susan.
I did not want to discuss Edwina, but it looked like the conversation was about to take that turn.
“Well, she’s nearly four month’s along in her pregnancy, and I have the impression that she’s a bit undone by the thought of returning to England as the wife of a German.”
“Well, I should think so. Gracious, Sophia, that girl needs her head examined. What in the world is she going to do now that there’s a war? Why did she ever marry that disgusting Hun? He looks like an albino.”
It was vintage Mummy. “I don’t know, Mummy,” I lied. Nonetheless, I couldn’t help but laugh. My mother wasn’t always wrong about everything.
“Dieter has been called back to Berlin, but Edwina steadfastly stays in Paris. It’s beyond me how they deal with this muddle, but you know how she can be.”
“Yes, I’ve never fully understood her,” although I’m certainly fond of her. Dear Lord, Sophia, she’s practically been a member of this family since you started at Ashwick Park.”
Her words sent chills down my spine. I knew that my mother was, indeed, fond of Edwina, and had often compared me to her, saying that she wished that I was more like my friend. I felt extremely uncomfortable with what was being said, but there was no way to tactfully change the topic. Oh, if she only knew the truth about Edwina!
“Perhaps she’ll change her mind and return to England, once the reality of the war sets in, added Annie.
“It’s unlikely,” I responded. Edwina rarely does the sensible thing, I’m afraid.”
“Surely Dieter doesn’t want her to be in any danger?” Mummy speculated. “If she hasn’t any sense, then I’d think he’d take it upon himself to look after her properly.”
“Mummy, Dieter is German. What I fear is that he’ll want to send her to Germany. To his family. He will assume that it’s the safest place for her. After all, you know that he’s absolutely convinced that there is no way Germany will be threatened by England in this war.”
“What a dreadful state of affairs. Your father says that he’ll try to speak with her when he’s in Paris next week. Perhaps he can talk some sense into her.”
I noticed that Susan was very quiet, and I looked at my sister-in-law more than once with an anxious expression. I
knew that Blake was aware of the relationship between Edwina and Papa. Of course, he must have told his wife. However, to my knowledge, she wasn’t aware that I knew anything about the mess. Susan raised her eyebrows slightly when Pamela mentioned that Papa was planning another trip to Paris. I desperately wanted to tell my mother that she should accompany him, but I knew there would be no point. She would never consider traveling with Papa on business... Never had.
“Will you be returning to Willow Grove?” Mummy interjected.
I thought we had covered that ground before. “No, Mummy, at least not for the foreseeable future. I feel that Isabella should have as little change as feasible, and I’d like to continue my studies at University and my work with Dr. Hausfater as long as possible
“I think that’s wise,” said Annie. “Drew and I are thinking along similar lines. We don’t yet know where he’ll be posted, either.”
“And what of you and Blake, Susan?” I asked.
“The same, I’m afraid. He’ll be going to Church Fenton, in North Yorkshire, but we’re hoping for a permanent post at one of the bases in Scotland. He could be sent anywhere. I’ll undoubtedly return to my family in Scotland if he is posted there, or if he is sent overseas.”
Finally, the men came and joined our group, and we all went in to dinner to enjoy a sumptuous feast of Roast Beef, Yorkshire pudding and all the trimmings. The war seemed very far away on that last peaceful Christmas of 1939. Food rationing was about to begin, but Nan and the Rose had wisely planned. One would never have known that there was concern about quantities of foodstuffs. By the next year, of course, there was great anxiety.
***
The New Year began, and with it came the dreaded rationing we’d known was imminent. In January, 1940, bacon, butter and sugar were rationed. That was followed by meat, fish, tea, jam, biscuits, breakfast cereals, cheese, eggs, milk and canned fruit. Whew! As ghastly as it was, I actually heard very few complaints about the rationing scheme. People seemed happy to be able to sacrifice something for the sake of freedom and victory. Some began to buy black-market goods, and the open-air markets developed a reputation. Eggs, butter and milk could be obtained fairly easily, without coupons, in rural areas, such as Bedminster-with-Hartcliffe. We had all been issued gas masks over a year before, and one never went anywhere without one, oft times hanging about our necks. Blackouts were also a daily routine. Everyone had blackout curtains, which did not let a sliver of light through at night, and they made it much more difficult for German bombers to see after sunset. We kept only a few lights on, in any case.
I was much more concerned with what was happening to Spence and my brothers, as the war began to heat up in the New Year. In April the British army landed at Namsos in Norway, and a day later, the German army invaded Denmark. On 10 May, Adolph Hitler launched his Western Offensive and invaded France. That is what we all had feared. On the same day, Neville Chamberlain resigned as Prime Minister, and was replaced by Winston Churchill. By 14 May, the German tanks crossed the Meuse River, and opened up a fifty-mile gap in the allied front. Six days later they reached the Channel. Everyone one sat by the radio day and night, awaiting reports on the troops. There could be no denying that during such a frightening period I couldn’t help but think of Edwina. She was in France, facing grave danger. I had heard nothing of her since our beastly conversation before Christmas, but I believe I would have known if she had returned to England or worse, joined Dieter in Germany.
Between 27 May, and 4 June, one of the most valiant and gallant efforts of my countrymen took place. The British troops were trapped in Dunkirk, with no way to cross the English Channel. With either unbelievable luck, or what Spence later referred to as a ‘serendipitous’ happening, Adolph Hitler issued orders to his German troops in France and Belgium to halt their advance on 23 May. He did so because German infantry tanks needed to catch-up, allowing an orthodox assault on the allied troops. That decision stopped the Germans from being able to cut off the escape of the British and French soldiers. As a result, a total of 693 ships from England, ranging from destroyers, minesweepers, trawlers, yachts and a variety of other small craft picked up 338,226 soldiers. Of this number, 140,000 were members of the French army. Later I learned that Spence had been in one of the Hurricane Fighters, which flew up and down the coastline near Dunkirk, scouting enemy planes. He was engaged in many dogfights with German bombers. He told me afterwards that the whole front was one long, unbroken line of flaming buildings. There was smoke pouring above the roofs. He was able to spot exhausted soldiers tramping their way along the meandering road, where dead bodies were strewn. 30,000 men were killed, wounded and missing. The British army could not defend their homeland. The army had left the majority of their weapons behind, on the battle-scarred land. There were nearly none to be had in reserve back in England. Spence told me all of these things when he returned home on furlough after Dunkirk. He felt strongly that France was going to fall to the Germans, and that England was about to be in the horrifying position of standing alone in the ghastly war effort. He believed that sooner or later London would become their target, and felt that the time was nearing when I needed to think about removing to Willow Grove Abbey. I detested the thought, but knew that I would heed his advice in the end. There had been consistent air raid sirens since September, 1939, and I’d become rather adept at knowing where to go, when I heard that dreadful wail. Most everyone I knew hated the Anderson shelters, but they did manage to keep a great number of us safe from harm. Sometimes we would sit in them for hours, crowded next to throngs of frightened adults, and crying children. It was beastly.
We spent Spence’s last day of holiday furlough allowing Isabella to do whatever she chose. That resulted in a pony ride in the Park, an outing on a double-decker bus, and ice cream at her favorite restaurant. Included was a visit to Harrods, culminating in the purchase of a new doll. When we returned to Sumner Street, she was a tired little girl, and so were her parents. Spence made his usual promise to read her two stories before bedtime. After he left, I, too, retired for the night, flushed with the glow of happiness from a happy day with Spence and Isabella. The next morning he came to the flat, and we all had breakfast together. I splurged, and made Eggs Benedict, with Fried Chips, which I knew Spence adored. It was a memory I cherished through the years. His ominous words about the fight coming to our shores left me terribly anxious that harm could befall him. As far as I knew though, he would continue to be posted to Duxford for the foreseeable future. I was very happy about that, as it meant that he was able to come to London whenever he was given a few free days. Shortly before he left, and while Isabella was learning how to color, with Martha helping her in the nursery, he brought up the subject of Edwina.
“Do you have any news of her” He asked. “I haven’t wanted to spoil this precious time with talk of unpleasant matters, but it is something I’ve thought about.”
“No, I haven’t heard a thing, and Papa says nothing. Of course, I’m certain that they’re in touch. What will become of her Spence, if France falls?” Would there be any way for her to get back to England?”
“Not without a good deal of high level help. Even then, I should think it would be very difficult. Any Brits who’re caught in France are going to be in a devil of a mess. Your father may be the best ally she has at this point. But, even Nigel can’t pull off a bloody miracle.”
“Do you think I should ask him about it?”
“That’s entirely up to you. Just don’t become too upset if you don’t like his answer, or don’t believe him. I’m not sure I know why you care very much what becomes of her.”
“Spence, I don’t know either, except that I have such dear memories of the past. No matter what, there is no way I would want anything to happen to her. But, I also don’t want to get involved. Does that make sense? “
“It makes perfect sense to me, and you’re a better person than I am,” he smiled. After what she said to you the last time you spoke, I’m not certain that
I could bear to ever hear her voice again.”
“I know. I feel that way too. But, then I remember how good she was to me when I was pregnant with Isabella, and it’s hard for me to believe that the Edwina I knew for all of those years has just vanished, and become a totally different person.”
“Well, of course you know that I haven’t the same warm feelings for Edwina. She may have been good to you, but I strongly feel that she should have come to me, and told me what was happening. I’m not certain I can ever completely forgive her for that.”
“Spence, I understand your feelings. However, don’t blame Edwina entirely. She suggested in the beginning that I come to you, and tell you the truth, but I wouldn’t hear of it. I was too frightened that I would have to give up the baby, and of retribution towards you. Edwina really wasn’t always so thoughtless. I don’t know how she can have changed so.”
“Perhaps the two of you have grown-up, and developed vastly different values. That can happen, you know. The adult one becomes is not necessarily as likeable as the child we remember.”
“I think she’s gone completely bonkers! She sounds so self-centered, caring only for herself and what she wants out of life, with no thought for anyone else, or about whom she might hurt.”
“Sophia, the trait of self-centeredness was always there in Edwina. Perhaps you weren’t so keenly aware of it, because it didn’t affect you in such an intimate way. But, I do remember that you told me once about how Edwina believed that if a person wanted something badly enough, she simply made it happen. She knew what she wanted and went after it, so to speak. Rather like a business plan.”
Willow Grove Abbey: A Historical World War II Romance Novel (The Somerville Trilogy) Page 30
