“I’ll try to reach Blake…Shall send him a wire. I imagine he will ring me up. Nevertheless, is there no one else? Perhaps a friend you could stay with?”
“Sophia, this is a family matter. I’m not inclined to want to impose this difficulty upon outsiders.”
“Oh no, Papa, we surely would never want to do that. It could cause irreparable harm to the family image,” I replied, snidely.
“Sophia…Please. I know you are angry with me, and I do not blame you. I am trying to do what I think is right. I am not abandoning my responsibility to your Mother, and I shall stay and pay the penalty for my behavior. Nevertheless, please understand that in large part I am doing this for you. I know Pamela would lean on you to such an extent that you would never be able to get on with the life you and Spencer are trying to build. That would be unconscionable of me. So, please do not make disparaging remarks to me.”
“And don’t you try to make me feel guilty!” I cried. “I have every right to my feelings. I don’t want you to stay with Mummy if you would rather be off. I have coped with Mummy’s rages all of my life, and I’ll do so now, if I must. I don’t believe, for a moment, that you’re making your decisions based upon my feelings. I suspect that you don’t want a divorce because of the stain it would leave upon the family name, and the amount of money it would cost you “I was breathing rapidly, and my pulse was raging in anger. The sharp pain had returned to my abdomen.
“All right, all right, Sophia. Perhaps I am not even being honest with myself. I do not think I would have the energy to go through a divorce from Pamela. It would be excruciating.”
“That it would be,” I agreed. “And now, I must get back to her. I am seriously concerned for her sanity... For her very life. I am sure that she is quite capable of suicide. I shouldn’t think any of us would want to see that happen.”
“Of course not, Sophia. Of course not. Go then, and I will speak with you later. I will not try to ring the house, for it will only upset Pamela. However, do relate our conversation to her…The portions you feel she might want to hear. When she is ready to speak with me, I’ll come to her.”
“I shall never understand you, Papa. I love you, but I absolutely think you are daft.” I felt the need to leave as rapidly as possible. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “I love you, Papa. I don’t like what you have done, but I do love you. I am sorry if I sound bitter and angry. It all just seems so unnecessary,” I said, shaking my head.
“I know, dear. Go now, and take care of your mother,” he said, patting me on the cheek.
I left hospital, feeling quite despondent. What could possibly be the outcome of such a fiasco? I couldn’t help but think about how ridiculous it all seemed… About our family’s’ many blessings and how foolishly they had been taken for granted. There had never really been any horrible crisis in the Somerville family No serious illness No children born with deformity or mental deficiency No financial woes. We were not even cursed with a family member addicted to drink. There was good health, wealth, prestige, and a higher than average level of intelligence. We really were a charmed circle. Why then, couldn’t we be a happy family? Primarily, I thought, because the family was filed to the brim with lies. Certainly, Mummy’s mental instability was a deep rent in the family fabric, but if it had been addressed properly, perhaps that too could have been improved. God had given us so much, and the appreciation had been so little. I thought of Spence, and of how his faith has always sustained him, and then I thought of the Somervilles, and the fact that there was never a religious foundation. My parents simply lived their lives according to instinct, searching out happiness where they could find it, seeking to control their world with money and power. Oh, there was a modicum of propriety, when it came to making certain that their lives were lived in the ‘proper’ manner. Appearances were vastly important, so there was no breaking of law or overt scandalous behavior. Nevertheless, there was an abundance of sneaking and lying, and the now the secrets were finally spilling over. Shouldn’t there be lines one never crosses? Wouldn’t it have been far better if rules were followed? If marriage vows were kept? If truth was told?
We Somervilles treated ceremonies of life as mere rituals, performed in order to adhere to society’s expectations. Baptism, Confirmation, Marriage. They were all ceremonious reasons for extravagant social affairs. Perhaps they should have been observed as the covenants that they were. Moreover, perhaps that was why Edwina and I had found ourselves on such divergent paths. Edwina’s attitudes toward such milestones in life were precisely what my own had been, growing up in such a family. However, my conversion to Catholicism and simple maturity had changed all of that. Of course, I had not become a Saint, but I did have a far different perspective on life. I felt anger that my parents hadn’t seen fit to teach their children the fundamental beliefs that all children have a right to know. I knew that Edwina’s mother, Thelma Phillips, was a Christian Scientist, and that her father was an atheist. Edwina tended to have a set of beliefs that reflected both of her parent’s points of view. Her mother was the one who stressed positive and negative thoughts, and harmony. But Edwina didn’t seem to have the intellectual capability to truly understand those concepts, and had bastardized such beliefs into an unrecognizable dogma of self-serving drivel. She was an apologist for her own dismal behavior. I knew that she had never read the Bible, nor had she partaken of any spiritual education. Before I became a strong believer, even then, I never called myself an Atheist. In my own humble opinion, it is impossible to be an Atheist without being extraordinarily well educated in matters of Theology. How else can one have the necessary facts to make up one’s mind? The more correct term would be Agnostic, which means ‘doubter’. I am still a ‘doubter’ at times, and probably shall always be, but the greatest thing that religion had gave me was the clarity between right and wrong.” My disappointment in my father was greater than my pain over what Edwina had done. It was so terribly troublesome to me that he could lie with such impunity. Usually, he was able to extricate himself from any sort of difficulty that might arise from impulsive actions, by exuding a strong dose of well-known charm and many untruths. I knew that he would do so in the present dilemma…Lie to Mummy and charm her. She would want to believe him, and that is what she would do.
I was so deep in thought that I almost missed the turn-off to Willow Grove Abbey. I veered my little car sharply to the right, made the turn and pulled into the graveled drive. I was so glad to be home. In need of rest, I wearily climbed from the auto and entered the Great Hall. The moment I set foot inside the doors, I met Nan, who was in tears, wringing her hands.
“Oh Miss Sophia. Thank the Lord you’re ‘ome. Your Mum is just beside ‘erself. I cannot calm her. I fear for ‘er, I surely do. Please, go to ‘er,” she begged.
I took the stairs two at a time. Upon entering Mummy’s bedroom, I was astonished. There was a valise open on the floor, and she had begun to pack items in it. The room was in complete disarray. Mummy looked as though she had become an aged woman overnight. She was dressed in a robe, which tied at the waist, and the top portion was gaping open. She was sobbing, and it nearly broke my heart. I had never seen my mother in such a state. I was better equipped at dealing with her rages than her tears. Mummy put her head in her hands and tore at her hair, which was already standing up all over her head.
“Nigel should have died. I wish he had died,” she screamed.
“No, no Mummy. You don’t wish that. That’s just your pain speaking. Things will be all right. I know you can’t believe that now, but you’ll see. Papa doesn’t want to lose you. He knows he was foolish, and he wants to make it up to you.”
“How can he make it up to me?” she asked, looking like a petulant child. “What ever could he do to make up for this?” Memories of lovely jewels and furs were no doubt spinning through her mind.
“Well, let’s wait and find out what he says. I know that he doesn’t want a divorce. That’s very good news, I think. Don’t
you?”
“I don’t care what he wants! He should be worried about what I want!”
I sighed deeply. “Of course, and he is. I am only saying that you need not fear that he has any desire to be with Edwina. To leave you and go to her.” Mummy leapt from the bed, and began, once again, to throw things haphazardly into the valise. I looked at the items already assembled and saw a strange conglomeration, ranging from one rhinestone encrusted evening slipper to, of all things, a jar of Nan’s special homemade jam! It was clear that my mother was not thinking or behaving rationally. I feared she was having a complete nervous collapse.
“Mummy. Why you packing your luggage? Are you planning a trip?”
“Yes. Yes. I must get out of here. I’m going to the South of France . . . to Cap d’Antibe. I need sunshine and warmth, and the sea. Those things will help to clear my mind.”
“Mummy, we are at war with France. No one is going to the South of France these days. It isn’t allowed. There are Germans all over that area.” She looked at me with a confused stare. “I’d forgotten that,” she murmured.
“Mummy, I’m going to call the doctor. You need to speak with him. Don’t you think it might help if he was to come and see you?”
“The doctor? Yes. Doctor Hardwick. Yes, I’d like to see him. He will be shocked to learn that Nigel would do such a thing. However, shall I tell him, Sophia? What might he think? Will he tell the entire village?”
“Mummy, doctors don’t make judgments about such things. He’ll understand and help you.”
I rang Dr. Hardwick’s office. It was late afternoon, and I suspected that he would still be at his dispensary. On the third ring, the young woman who worked with him answered, and I asked to speak with the doctor. Moments later, he was on the line, and I explained, as best I could, what was happening. He said he would be there as quickly as possible, and I was greatly relieved. Hanging up the receiver, I turned to my mother and told her that Doctor Hardwick was on his way. That seemed to bring a sense of rationale back, as she suddenly became aware of her appearance. I helped her put on a long-sleeved gown and a more becoming robe. Then, I took her into the bath, and ran cool water on a cloth to wipe her face. We brushed her hair, and pinned it up. She looked infinitely better. Returning to the bedchamber, I helped her into the bed. She was still unsteady, but her appearance had vastly improved. Shortly thereafter, Dr. Hardwick arrived. I heard his knock at the door, and then Nan opening it and greeting him. I excused myself from Mummy, and ran to the top of the stairway, where I met him as he made his way to the second floor. “Ah, Sophia. It seems you’ve a mess on your hands, eh?” he said, smiling thinly. He was a tall, well-built, handsome man, with dark hair, combed to the side. I had always thought him terribly kind, and was grateful that he’d known our family for so long. He had very strong religious values, which I believed were needed at such a moment.
“Indeed, Dr. Hardwick. A Royal mess, one might say. I wanted to speak with you a moment before you go to Mummy. She is not in her right head…Shock, I suppose. I want you to know that what she suspects is true. There’s no point in trying to convince her differently. I’ve known about this for some time, but she doesn’t know that I have. Lord knows, I don’t want her to know. I’ve spoken with Papa. He’s promised that he’ll stay with Mummy... Hasn’t any thought of leaving and going with the other woman. Of course, Mummy’s pride is wounded. He’ll have to beg forgiveness, but at least he isn’t intending to abandon her.”
“Right. I’m glad to hear that. I shouldn’t have thought Nigel would do that, but you never know. Men do some confounded things.”
“Yes, I know. Anyway, I just wanted you to know the lay of the land. Papa won’t come back here immediately, even when he’s released from hospital. He says he’ll wait until she’s ready.”
“Yes, splendid. I think he’s on the right track. Well, let’s go and pay Pamela a visit, shall we?”
Thus, we walked together down the hallway to Mummy’s room. She seemed happy to see him, and much calmer. Once I was certain that things were under control, I excused myself and went to my own room. Dr. Hardwick said that he would come speak with me before he left. I was exhausted to the point of being ill. In addition, the pain in my abdomen had increased. I was glad that a doctor was present, as I was growing worried. I stepped out of my shoes, and threw myself upon the bed, closing my eyes while rubbing my temples. A throbbing headache had begun. I reached over and rang for Nan, asking her to bring a tray. In spite of my fatigue and pain, I knew I needed nourishment. The house was quiet, and it seemed strange that so much had transpired in such a short span of time. I remembered the need to send a wire to Blake, but decided to wait until I had eaten something. I also needed to write Spence. I hadn’t written for two days, and he would be worried when my usual daily letter didn’t arrive. What to tell him? Of course, I had to explain what had happened, but didn’t want to alarm him. Nan knocked softly at the door, and entered carrying a tray. There was a bowl of steaming broth, two nice slices of freshly baked bread, a wedge of cheese, and some fruit. It looked wonderful, and I greedily sat up, taking the tray from her “Thank you so much, Nan. What would we do without you?”
“Miss Sophia, is the Countess all right? She seemed off in her ‘ead. I didn’t know what to do.”
“She’s going to be fine, Nan. She’s had a shock, that’s all. We all have, of course. Nevertheless, I’m certain that seeing Doctor Hardwick will help. I’m going to see him after he’s spoken with her, and then I really must get some rest before I collapse. Can you keep things going while I have a lie-down for a bit?”
“Of course, Miss Sophia. You look tuckered out, and it’s no wonder. You eat up what I brung you. I won’t disturb you unless you ring for me. Don’t you worry about your Mum. I’ll see to it that she follows the doctor’s orders.”
I hugged her, and held her closely for a moment. There had been times in my life when Nan seemed more a mother to me than Pamela. I truly loved her. “Oh Nan,” I said, turning back to the tray. “One more thing. I need to send a wire to Blake. His address is in Papa’s desk in the library.... The top drawer, in the green leather book. Here, let me scribble down what it needs to say. Could you please call it to the telegraph operator?”
“Yes, Miss Sophia, I’ll be glad to,” she answered.
I took a piece of stationery, and a pen from the drawer of my nightstand. Without hesitating, I wrote; ‘We have emergency. Papa needs you. Can you come at once?” Then, I handed the paper to Nan, who tucked it into the pocket of her apron.
“I’ll send it at once. Now, you rest, Miss Sophia.” With a kiss on my cheek, Nan turned to leave the room. Suddenly the pain struck with alarming force. There was no mistaking what it was, and I cried out.
“Nan! Fetch Dr. Hardwick to my room at once. I think I’m having a miscarriage!”
Doctor Hardwick arrived in mere seconds, although it seemed much longer. My water had broken, and I had severe cramping. I knew with certainty what was happening. The Doctor quickly examined me, and verified that I was in the midst of a spontaneous abortion.
“Isn’t there anything that can be done to stop it?” I cried. I wanted the child so terribly much.”
“No Sophia, I’m afraid not. Your water has already broken. I can perform a Dilation and Curettage or we can wait until you expel the fetus on your own, but you are going to lose this child.”
“Will this affect my ability to have other babies?” I asked.
“It shouldn’t, my dear. I recommend that we do a D & C. It will make certain that everything is cleaned out and sterile, and will lessen the chances of infection.” Nan was standing in the background, with tears streaming down her face. “How can I ‘elp?” she sobbed.
“Call the ambulance lads, please,” Dr. Hardwick said. “We shall need to get Sophia to hospital so that I have surgical facilities. The cramps were coming closer together and I was truly in agony. I felt as though my insides were being torn apart. I was crying and moan
ing, biting down on the corner of the bed sheet. “I’m going to wash my hands, my dear. I’ll just be a moment”, the doctor said.
“Please don’t leave me,” I begged.
“I’m not leaving, he insisted, as he went into the adjoining bath, and ran the water. He was back by my side very quickly, with a cool cloth, which he placed upon my head. “Try to breathe deeply and slowly. Try to relax. I know it’s hard,” he encouraged. We continued in such a vein for what seemed like hours. In reality, it was but a few minutes. The ambulance arrived and took me to the same hospital where Papa was currently residing, albeit to a different floor. I was given ether, and the next thing I knew I was in a private room, trying to adjust to what had happened. Dr. Hardwick was sitting next to the bed, and he had a solemn expression on his face.
“Sophia, dear, I’ve some bad news for you,” he said, reaching over and taking my hand.
“What?” I asked.
“This was more complex than I originally thought. It was not a simple miscarriage. Did you have a fall or some sort of accident?”
“I had a fall…In the hallway, but it wasn’t terribly bad.”
“Well, apparently it caused severe damage. It tore the placenta. You had internal bleeding, and in the end I had to perform a hysterectomy.”
“Hysterectomy? You mean you have taken away my ability to have children! Oh God, no. Tell me that isn’t true.” I turned my face into the pillow, as tears began to fall.
“I know it seems ghastly. However, you do have Isabella. Thank God for that.”
“But I wanted a lot of babies,” I sobbed. “Spence and I had decided on a large family.” I was crying hysterically.
“I understand that this is a shock, Sophia. We’re fortunate that you’re alive. The internal bleeding was severe. You must have been in that state for some time. Your husband would rather have you than a million babies. You need rest. Try not to blame this upon what was happening with your parents. You will be fine, but you’re weak. We had to transfuse you with two pints of blood. Do you want me to tell your parents?”
Willow Grove Abbey: A Historical World War II Romance Novel (The Somerville Trilogy) Page 39
