“I suppose they must know. But, if Mummy is sleeping, don’t awaken her,” I managed, between sobs. “Also, don’t disturb Papa here at hospital until morning, please,” I said. I felt utterly alone.
“What about your husband? Shall I wire him?”
I thought for a moment, and then said, “Yes. Yes. I need him. I want him with me.”
“Of course you do, Sophia. I shall make certain that he is notified immediately. Now, you’re young and strong dear. I have lived long enough to know that these things have a way of sorting themselves out. It will be all right. Try to calm your mind, and quit worrying about your mother. She seems fragile, but Pamela is one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. It will take more than this to stop her. You need to think about getting your own strength back.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
February 1941 to March 1941
A Call to Nigel
I have always prided myself upon my excellent memory. Nevertheless, the weeks following Edwina’s departure from Willow Grove Abbey and my hysterectomy are still a blur in my mind. I remember bits and pieces of the loss of my baby quite clearly, but there are long stretches where my mind is completely blank. The first few days after the surgery, I had tasks to occupy my time. I was weak and unable to do much more than get through the necessary. Spence procured emergency furlough, and came home to a wife who could scarcely do more than weep. He held and kissed me, trying to soothe my grief, but it was impossible. We both knew it. He was as grief stricken as I was, but tried to remain strong, so that I might have the luxury of falling apart. To Mummy’s credit, for a short period after the disaster she turned her attention to me, as did my father.
After Spence left, I wanted to return to my bed and stay there, with the covers pulled up over my head. That wasn’t possible. I had a child and she needed me. It had been a loss for her too, and the atmosphere in the house wasn’t settled. Mummy calmed down until the physicians announced that Papa was ready to leave hospital. When I gave Mummy that news, she said that there was no way, whatsoever, that she was going to allow him to return home. My parents hadn’t really spoken at length since the whole nightmare began. Papa tried on two occasions to ring her up, but she slammed the telephone down when she realized it was him. I talked with him daily, trying to glean some idea of his plans should Mummy not opt for a divorce, and instead press for separation. Papa said that he would agree to whatever Mummy wanted. Would even give her Willow Grove Abbey. Would make certain that she was well provided for. He said he just wanted peace in his life, and was willing to live simply. Somehow, I couldn’t imagine such a change. I knew that eventually she would give in, and I am sure he knew that too. So, he was in no real danger of losing his home or fortune.
Blake was able to procure a furlough. He arrived on the day Papa was being discharged, which was five days after I’d been sent home from hospital. Spence had left, I was terribly grateful that my brother had arrived. Until then, the burden had been completely upon my shoulders. I knew that Blake could be relied upon to be levelheaded. He’d known about the affair, so of course that was no major surprise. He arranged to have Susan take the train from Scotland to Bristol in order to meet him. The two of them then set about taking rooms in a hotel. On the day that Papa left hospital, I drove to the hotel, as I needed to speak with him about financial matters pertaining to Willow Grove Abbey, as well as Mummy’s state of mind. I was still weak, but not infirm, and having something to occupy my thoughts seemed beneficial. Susan answered the door to the room, and I was happy to see her. We had grown closer, ever since her revelation to Mummy about her abortion, and the support she’d shown toward my fight for acceptance of Spence. It had been a long time, and so much had happened. Of course, it was not an occasion for a nice, friendly chat, but we hugged one another, and rolled our eyes over the mess that had brought about our reunion. Then, she hugged me again, saying, “Sophia, darling, I’m so sorry for your loss. It is the most horrific thing. I can imagine your pain.”
“I’m all right, Susan. This isn’t something that one ever recovers from. You know that. Once simply goes on.” I answered, while entering the room, where I saw Papa sitting at a table with Blake beside him. Blake looked at me with a grin on his face. It struck me as peculiar that he could find humor under such tragic circumstances.
“This isn’t humorous, Blake. There’s absolutely nothing funny about it,” I said. He never mentioned the loss of my baby or my hysterectomy. The smile on his face disappeared, and a look of anger replaced it.
“Don’t you come in here and start any sort of row. Dad’s just been released from hospital, and I’m not about to have him upset,” he said, in a commanding voice. Turning to Papa, he said, “Dad, I want you to go into the bedroom and lie down.” Just as instructed, Papa stood, and shuffled off toward the hallway and the bedroom.
“And don’t you think that you’re going to come here and start issuing orders,” I shot back. “I’ve had all of this dumped upon me for months now. Have tried to keep you, Drew and Spence out of it, because each of you has all he can cope with, fighting this war. You aren’t really completely aware of what has taken place. You haven’t seen Mummy, who has come near to having a complete collapse. Papa knows that I love him, but I’m also very angry with him at present.”
“Dad has to make a decision about the rest of his life,” Blake continued. “I think he should leave our mother and marry Edwina.”
“And just exactly what is Mummy supposed to do if that happens?”
“Our mother will have to decide what she wants to do with the rest of her life.”
“Are you daft? Mummy is nearing forty-eight years of age. She’s lived with Papa for over thirty years. Just what do you suggest that she do at this stage of her life?”
“She’ll have to decide that for herself,” Blake replied, coldly. His mouth was set in a firm line. I was absolutely enraged. This wasn’t really unusual for Blake. He’d never in his life thought of anyone but himself, and I don’t know if he was even capable of understanding the pain that our mother was going through.
“Has Papa changed his mind about leaving Mummy?” I asked.
“He doesn’t know what he’s going to do. He cannot go back to our mother and let her kill him. He has a weak heart. He can’t take the uproar that will ensue if he returns to living with that shrew.” I was nearly one hundred percent certain that Blake had been working on Daddy to make the decision to leave Mummy from the moment that he had arrived.
“And what about Edwina?” I asked.
“I’ve spoken with Edwina. Of course, she wants Dad to come to her, but I have told her that he won’t do that at this juncture. He needs time to think. I’ve tried to speak to Mother, but she refuses my calls.”
“Blake, she’s horribly wounded. Not just wounded. Shocked. She truly did trust him, as well as Edwina. She never dreamed that such a thing could happen. You shouldn’t wonder that Mummy is beside herself. Dr. Hardwick is treating her, and I spend as much time as possible with her. Please remember that I’ve been ill myself. She seems to be dealing better with all of it, but she has a lot to get through.”
“Our mother has been a shrew all of her life. It’s about time she found out what it’s like to have someone treat her the way she’s always treated others.”
“Oh Blake, how childish. Mummy has never been well. We have all known that for a long time, but have simply gone about pretending it wasn’t so. She should have had help years and years ago. You don’t just abandon someone when they’re sick and frightened,” I replied. “Instead of getting her help, Papa never mentioned her behavior to any doctor, and pretended that she was absolutely normal, when we all knew she wasn’t.”
“You can feel sorry for her if you want to. This study of psychology that you’ve undertaken has softened your brain. You’ve had all of this education about mentally ill people and you still haven’t a clue as to what’s wrong with our mother.”
“I have more than a clue,
Blake. To be exact, our mother suffers from what is known as “Borderline Personality Disorder.” There are nine criteria for its diagnosis, and an individual needs only two to be diagnosed. As far as I’m able to gather, Mummy suffers from all nine, to one degree or another. I’m not going to go through each and every symptom. But, trust me, I have focused upon this for a long time, in an attempt to understand Mummy. It has always been clear that there is something the matter with her. You know as well as I do that normal people don’t behave as she does. Daddy knows that too. But, instead of trying to learn what might be wrong, he has simply helped her to cover up the symptoms, and lied for her, which has just exasperated the illness. Instead of being so beastly critical of her, why don’t you try to learn why she is the way she is?”
“I think psychology is a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. When a person acts like a horse’s arse, then the psychiatrists label them with some disorder. I label them as a ‘horse’s arse’. I don’t feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for Dad. I want to see him happy, and if Edwina makes him happy, then so be it.” Blake was adamant that Papa not go back to Mummy.
“Well, I think this conversation is premature anyway, because at the moment, Mummy has given no indication that she even wants Papa back. However, I suspect that is pride talking, and when she’s really faced with the idea of losing him forever, she’ll completely fall apart .Fear of abandonment is one of the greatest issues that a person with Borderline Personality faces. I don’t believe she could cope without him. She certainly could never cope alone. She doesn’t do very well when she isn’t alone.” Obviously, I would be the one to take her under my wing, and I’ll do so, as she is my mother, no matter what things she has done to hurt me. Nevertheless, I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t think this entire thing is beastly unfair. I didn’t decide to have an affair with anybody, and didn’t create this nightmare. Yet, if Mummy and Papa separate, I’ll have to pick up the pieces. I think I’ve already paid a high enough price.”
You’re right about that Sophia. None of this is fair. Dad should have thought about such things before he ever got involved with Edwina. Actually, he should have thought before he ever got involved with our mother. Sometimes it’s easier to get into things than it is to get out of them. Dad told me that, himself. But, I still can’t say I blame him.”
“Well, I think for the time being, things should be left as they are until Mummy has a chance to think things through a bit more. She’s certainly in no condition to do that now. However, he can’t stay in a hotel in Bristol indefinitely, so where will he go if this drags on?
“Susan is willing to take Dad back up to Leith with a car and driver. We can get a medical petrol ration. There’s plenty of room at the house in Scotland, and it’ll be a quiet place for Dad to recuperate. I’m going to put in for a transfer to a base in Scotland so I’ll be able to get home occasionally.
And what of Edwina? Is she still here in Bristol?” I was afraid to know.
“Edwina has returned to London. Even with the Blitz, I think she feels better there. Of course he’ll keep in touch with her, but he has no plans to see her,” Blake answered. “Edwina has even mentioned taking Kippy and going to America, She has that sister in Connecticut, which is near to New York, and she thinks she could get work there. But, in my opinion he’s a bloody fool if he allows her to do that. She would need his help with a passport. Also with funds. If he loves her, and she loves him, then he should do what his heart tells him. He’s given our mother more chances than any ten women. How he can feel any allegiance to her is beyond me.” Blake was shouting.
“This is so typical of you Blake,” I shouted back. “You’ve never given the slightest thought to the feelings of others. You don’t feel sorry for Mummy. Instead, you seem to hate her. I am the one who knows Edwina better than anyone in this family, and that includes Papa! She has no morals, no sense of right and wrong, and no empathy for the terrible pain that her actions have caused. She’s so terribly much in love with Papa because of his wealth and title. I wonder how long that will last if Papa and Mummy divorce, and Papa doesn’t have the vast amount he’s always had.”
“Oh this is sodding idiocy! Edwina is a perfectly fine girl. She doesn’t want Dad for his money. I’ve even spoken with her on that very subject. The money means nothing at all to her. She loves Dad, unconditionally, rich or poor.”
“Blake, you are a dimwit if you believe that! I too have spoken with her, and she made it exceedingly clear that wealth and title hold great meaning for her. She wants to be Countess Somerville as badly as she’s ever wanted anything in her life.”
“Well, I’m all for it,” Blake again responded. Susan was quiet, looking at me with a worried expression on her face. I knew that she agreed with my point of view, but I also knew that she would never break rank with Blake.
“Sophia, I’d expect you to take Mummy’s side in this. You were always her favorite. What are your expectations? Do you think that if they divorce, and I take Dad’s side as I believe Drew will too, you’ll end up her only heir? Wouldn’t that be nice for you?” Blake said, accusingly.
“My God! I cannot believe that you’d even say such a thing! I ‘was always her favorite’? Are you daft? It’s obvious that you have a rotten memory. As for my being ‘money motivated’, that has never entered my mind. You know I’m not like that. Never have been. I fell in love with and married a doctor, much to Mummy’s chagrin. I certainly wasn’t worried about money or title then. I’m studying for a University degree, and upon completion, I plan on taking a job. I look forward to work. I do not need Papa’s money. In addition, I was left a sizable inheritance when Owen died.” I raised my voice at least two octaves.
“Please lower your voice. Do you want the people in the next room to hear this discussion,” Blake said, in his most authoritative manner.
I really don’t know what happened to me. I had no plans to say the words that came out of my mouth. I suppose a human being can take just so much in a lifetime, and I’d certainly taken my share from Blake and from my father. I was terribly angry, had a beastly headache, felt weak, shaken, and wondered if I could go on coping with everything that was happening. In any event, without even thinking, I turned to Blake and blurted out words that could never be taken back.
“Oh how very, very typical. We’re supposed to worry about whether or not the people in the next room hear our conversation, but as long as things are done privately and secretively, then that’s just fine! You are exactly like Papa. It was fine for you to know that Papa did evil, wicked things to me when I was only a child of eleven. You were seventeen years old, Blake, and you didn’t care a whit what was happening to your little sister. I ran to you, Blake, after what Papa did while bathing me. I told you everything. And your answer to me was to get out of your room. Your exact words were, “Ahhh, the poor guy... he never gets any affection.” In today’s world, Papa would be labelled a sexual abuser.”
Susan’s face drained of color. Turning to her husband she said, “Blake, what is she talking about?”
“Ah, she’s just trying to get back at Dad and me. She’s crazy. Don’t pay her any mind, Susan. It’s a pack of lies. ”
Susan had a stunned look, as though she didn’t know what to believe. It hadn’t been my intent to hurt anyone. I’d never confronted Blake, and certainly not Papa about the hurt inflicted upon me. Yet, I had also never forgotten it. It had been with me every step of the way growing up, and had festered for a long time. At that moment, when emotions were running high, I erupted. Turning my attention to Susan, I apologized. I said it had nothing to do with her, and wished she could forget what I’d said. Of course, she couldn’t. I knew beyond any doubt, that I’d lost Blake for all time. He was so much like Mummy, and he worshipped the ground Papa walked upon. Making such an accusation toward Papa was as bad as making it about Blake. One simply did not confront him in such a fashion and then go back to having a normal relationship, as though it had never taken place. Even though he k
new what I’d said was true, he would never admit it was so. If I hadn’t said it in front of his wife, we might have gotten beyond it, but I doubt it. Susan ran from the room, and Blake muttered that he would never forgive me if it ruined his marriage. I told him that I did not think there was any way that would happen. Susan loved him, and Papa’s sins were no reflection upon Blake’s character. The only thing I was criticizing Blake for was my having pleaded for him to help me, and his treating me like I was nothing but a bother to him. Because of the way he had reacted on that long ago evening, which was still seared in my soul, I never approached him or anyone else about the several other incidents I suffered at my father’s hands. It was abundantly clear that no one cared.
“You’re crazy, just like your mother,” he screamed. Then, he strode out of the room, leaving me alone. I marched down the hall to one of the bedrooms, and gently knocked. Papa’s voice told me to come in. Blake must have been in the other bedroom with Susan, for Papa was alone. There was no way he hadn’t overheard the furor. The expression ‘crazy’ was so completely overused, especially in our home, and it was so absurd. In truth, what he was really saying was that he didn’t like what I was saying.
“Well, this appears to be a fine kettle of fish. I’m sorry, Papa. I should not have said what I did, but it is the truth. You know that. I would never lie about something like this. Edwina loves to wax-on eloquently about ‘unconditional love.” Well, Papa, if there has ever been an example of unconditional love, then it is my actions toward you. In spite of what you did to me, I have never confronted you with it, and have always shown great love for you. I’ve protected you, and kept your secrets. You know that’s true.”
“I know that, Sophia. I know,” he murmured.
Willow Grove Abbey: A Historical World War II Romance Novel (The Somerville Trilogy) Page 40
