“Did you think because I was such a young girl, that I had forgotten about it? Or had buried the memories?”
I suppose I hoped so, Sophia. You never gave any indication that you remembered.”
“No, I didn’t. And if you remember the incident, when it occurred, Mummy was out in the hallway when I screamed out ‘Papa Stop’. I quickly lied to keep you from Mummy’s wrath, and called back to her, lying, and telling her that everything was all right. I said that you had only been scrubbing my back too hard. How utterly amazing that at such a tender age, I would have been more concerned with protecting you, then in protecting myself. Do you remember that, Papa?”
“Yes, Sophia. I don’t like to remember it, but I do. I always hoped that it would never be brought up.”
“Well, I’m sorry, but it has been brought up. I don’t intend to tell Mummy, or to mention it again. But If I know Blake, he is going to try to turn the entire family against me, and tell all of the others that I am crazy, which they will be only too ready to accept. Papa, you know precisely what you did to me as a child. I pray to God that you will be decent enough to stand up to the rest of the family on my behalf, and for once in your life tell the truth. You needn’t get into specific details. I just want you to make it clear that Blake is the one who is lying. He is embarrassed now, and doesn’t want people to know that it was in his power to put a stop to it, and he chose to act as if it didn’t matter what was done to me. The only thing that mattered to him was that you were protected.”
“I cannot take sides against my children”.
“Oh Papa, how sad,” I continued. You are willing to let me be called a liar and a crazy person rather than admit that I’m merely being honest? Isn’t that taking Blake’s side? “
”I just want to have a relationship with all of my children. I can’t take sides.”
“You can’t take sides? Can you tell the truth? There is a difference. You made me into a victim once, Papa, and now you want to do so again. You know that everyone in the family adores you . . . even Mummy, in spite of present circumstances. Whatever you say has always been the Gospel truth. And in this situation, if this is told…And it will be …it will find its way to Drew and Annie…and undoubtedly even to Blake Jr. and Pippin. If you don’t admit that what I’ve said is true, there is no question that I will be shunned by my entire family. No one will believe that I’m telling the truth. Everyone will be carrying on about what an evil person I am to make such an accusation about you…and about Blake. How could you do such a thing to me?”
“Because I am a survivor, Sophia. Sometimes survivors have to say and do things that go against their grain?”
“Survivor! Perhaps more correctly a sociopath, with no conscious. In other words you would do anything to survive and keep your reputation intact, including lie about your own daughter, and if necessary let her be thrown out of her family? ‘That is your definition of a survivor? In other words, you would rather put yourself first at all costs, and if that means stepping all over me, and ruining me, so be it”
“Sophia, all you need to do, to stop any of this from occurring, is to say that you were angry, and said things that weren’t true. Tell Blake that what you implied about me is not true, and that it never happened. Then, apologize.”
“In other words, lie! Apologize? What am I apologizing for? Telling the truth? Being honest? Having feelings? Finally blurting out the truth after a lifetime of holding it in, and letting Blake treat me like a piece of garbage? Oh. Papa, no. There was a time you probably could have talked me into something so vile. But, no more. I didn’t do anything wrong. Not when I was eleven years old, and not now.” I shook my head from side to side, as tears fell from my eyes. It hurt a great deal to know that my own father would not defend me. I don’t know why it surprised me as much as it did. After all, wasn’t that what he had always done? No matter the issue. All scales fell from my eyes. It was a devastating moment. I gathered my handbag, and put the papers I’d brought on the table, all the while shaking. “Well Papa, I’m sorry about all of this. If this family weren’t so thickly tangled in a web of lies, perhaps we wouldn’t have rows like this. Perhaps we might even have been a normal family. I’m beginning to wonder, Papa, if this affair with Edwina was the first in your life? Perhaps it’s just the first time you were ever caught? In which case, perhaps Mummy senses that, or has even known it all along, but her fear of abandonment has placed her in an untenable situation.”
“Sometimes it’s better to not be honest, Sophia. What is the sense in hurting people?
“Is that an answer to my suspicions? Have there been other affairs? I suspect that I even know who some of them may have been. When I look back on your life, I see a pattern. You and Mummy would become very friendly with some couple or other. That couple was usually very unhappily married. Thus, the woman was extremely vulnerable to someone like you…a supposed fine man, handsome and titled, saying loving things to her. And I think it always worked. When you told them you wouldn’t leave Mummy and marry them, they eventually broke it off, or if they were too infatuated, you ended it. It was the same pattern with Edwina, only you got in way over your head.”
There was complete silence from Papa. It was clear to me that I was correct
“Why not just love people unconditionally?” Papa responded?
“Oh Bollocks, Papa! Stop it! Unconditional love has nothing whatsoever to do with this. You know what you did to me, and I suspect what you’ve done to others. The amazing thing is that I do love Blake and I do love you, Papa. In spite of the ghastly situation you have caused due to your cheating and lying and . . . yes . . . abuse. My silence, and my protection of you, is unconditional love. Now, it is exceedingly clear that you will lie for Blake, and make me out to be a crazy person. God, I hate that word. It is so childish. Where is my unconditional love?” I was trembling from head to toe, and could feel perspiration break out on my forehead. I wondered if I might faint. I needed to end the conversation and get away from there. “You and Blake don’t have to worry, Papa. I have no desire to tell any of your secrets to the world.” I kissed him on the cheek, and told him to try to get some rest. “Our entire family has always suffered from so many secrets and lies. I am rather adept at keeping secrets,” I added. Without saying another word, I got up, and left the room to begin my journey back to Willow Grove Abbey.
When I arrived home, Mummy was sleeping soundly, and everything seemed in good order, as contrasted with the melee I had been through. Isabella was home from school, and I went to the nursery to play with her. She was filled with chatter about school, and friends, and I was glad that her world seemed so unaffected by happenings around her. She was nearly five years, still small for her age. Still a beautiful child. Her hair was very long, reaching to her waist. It was a mass of ringlets. There were also wavy bangs scattered above her perfectly shaped brows, enhancing her wide, dark blue eyes. Her beauty always took my breath away. She looked so much like Spence.
“Mama, Mama, we’ve had a letter from Papa. I’ve been waiting ever so long for you to come home so that we can open it,” she cried as she came bouncing to me. She was dressed in a checked gingham play dress, with a pink bow in her hair, and looked like a cherub.
“Well, bring it to me, darling. Let’s see what Papa has to tell us today,” I said, sitting her upon my lap. Together we opened the letter, and I read it aloud to her.
“Now let’s see,” I said. It begins ‘Dear Sophia and Isabella,’
Isabella clapped her hands together in glee. Then, I continued;
“There is a shortage of pilots and, I have been flying more than I thought I would be, since my return. I can’t tell you where I’ve been, as it would only be cut by the censors. Just know that I am taking good care, and that I have painted both of your names on the side of my Spitfire. The other chaps joke with me, asking who ‘Sophella” is. I just laugh. I am already so lonely for both of you. It is hard to believe that I only said goodbye to you such a sh
ort time ago.
Isabella, I miss you very, very much and think about you every day. Every night when I go to sleep, I say a special, little prayer that God will keep you safe from harm. Sophia, my darling, never forget that you are in my thoughts day and night, and that I only live for the day I can hold you in my arms again. Your letters are wonderful, and help so much to keep my morale high. They give meaning to why I am here. Keep writing darling, and take very good care of yourself and Isabella. You are both my world, and are all I need.
I Love You.
I wiped tears from my eyes, and held the letter close to my breast, as if by doing so I could somehow bring him nearer to me. Isabella traced her finger over the handwriting on the envelope, and said that she had the most wonderful Papa in the world. I certainly didn’t argue with that remark. Spence knew the trauma I was enduring, but I didn’t intend to tell him of the latest chapter in the saga. He’d endured enough pain, and he was trying to tell me that it was all right that we wouldn’t have more children. If possible, I loved him even more for that. I had told him of Papa’s inappropriate behavior toward years before, when we were together in his charming office in Twigbury. After we had made love for the first time. But, I certainly had no intention of telling him what had happened now, while he was risking his life for his country.
Two days later, while I was out in the garden, preparing beds for spring planting, Mummy came running out of the house in a frenzy. She’d been snooping in Papa’s desk, and discovered telephone records covering a period of nearly three years. Waving them in her hand, and screaming at the top of her lungs, she ran across the lawn. Her hair had been hastily pinned up, and tendrils fell about her face. She was out of breath when she reached me, so the papers were simply thrust into my hands. I took off my gardening gloves and scanned them. They astounded me! Over a three-year period, Papa had placed hundreds and hundreds of calls to Edwina in Paris. Then, after Edwina’s return to London, often the calls were just moments apart. They would talk for ninety minutes, and then hang up. He would ring her back ten minutes later. Even on the Christmas when Spence came to Willow Grove for the first time, there was a 47-minute call to Edwina. Clearly, he was obsessed. Of course, I understood immediately why Mummy was beside herself. I tried my best to calm her.
“Mummy, the affair may not have been going on all of this time. You know that she considered him her mentor. Perhaps he was giving her business advice?” I ventured.
“Oh Fiddle! He was not giving her advice of any sort, and you know that. You know very well what he was giving her… And what she was giving him. He was bonkers over her. These calls prove it. I could show them in any court in the land and be divorced at once.”
“Is that what you want?” I asked.
Mummy began to cry. “I don’t know what I want. Where will he go if we divorce? Will he still be nearby, so that I can lean on him as I always have?”
“No Mummy, I doubt that very much. I think he would stay in Scotland, where he is now. He says he just wants a peaceful, simple life.”
“Well, that isn’t what he’ll have if he marries Edwina,” she sobbed.
“I’m sure that’s true,” I answered.
“I always thought that he would be nearby. I can’t imagine that I would never see him. He has been my whole life for nearly thirty years. I don’t want to lose him. I’m too old to start again.”
This was an admission of gargantuan proportions. “Are you telling me that you want him to come home?”
“Yes. Will you call him at Susan’s and tell him I want him here with me at Willow Grove Abbey?”
“Are you saying that you feel you can forgive him?”
“Well …No …But, I’ll try. I can’t just forgive him overnight. It will take time. But, I don’t want our marriage to end.”
I put my arms around my mother, something rarely done in our family. “I’m so glad you’ve reached this decision. It’s the right thing to do. One doesn’t throw out the baby with the bath water, you know. You and Papa have shared a lifetime together. You can work this out. When shall I call him?”
“Right away, before I change my mind,” she smiled, feebly. It was the first smile I had seen on Mummy’s face in weeks.
Therefore, I went up to the house and placed a call to Susan and Blake’s number in Scotland. Susan answered and I asked to speak to Papa. When he came on the line, I was quite succinct with my message. “Your wife wants you to come home,” I said.
There was a moment of silence, followed by a sigh, and then he said, “I’ll catch the next through train to London, and from there to Bedminster-with-Hartcliffe.”
“I’d meet your train in London, but the rationing has made it just about impossible for me to get enough petrol to drive that distance, round-trip,” I told him. “I could send Joseph, but the same problem exists.”
“That’s fine, Sophia. I’ll be just fine. It will be a nice, quiet ride. Give me time to think.”
Yes, indeed, I imagined there would be a great deal of thinking on his pending journey.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
May 1941 to February 1942
Captured
My father came home. I spent hours preparing my mother, in an attempt to keep her from driving him off permanently. If Mummy had a rage the moment Papa walked into the house, he’d have an excellent excuse to leave forever. I suspected that was the advice that Blake had given him. I patiently explained that if Papa truly had deep feelings for Edwina, Mummy would be playing right into his hands if she was out of control when he returned. I told my mother that such behavior would give him a perfect excuse to turn and walk away, saying that his health wouldn’t permit him to live with her. Mummy nodded her head, and actually seemed to be listening to me, for the first time in her life. Once again, roles reversed, with me acting the parent and Mummy, the child. I was certain that my father was expecting my mother to attack him the moment he arrived. Mummy was instructed to do exactly the opposite. I told her that she needed to be kind, solicitous, and concerned for his health. She should ask if he was tired from the long journey, tell him his bed was turned down, and that a tray was ready. Mummy promised that she would do all of those things.
An hour before his arrival, Mummy decided that there should be roaring fires in all of the rooms. She had Nan, violet, Roe and me scurrying about laying the proper kindling. Joseph had gone to the depot to collect Papa, and Perkins had the day off. They were the ones who normally would have seen to such chores. Unfortunately, the chimney flue in the master bedchamber was closed, unbeknownst to any of us. Thus, when the fire was lighted, smoke began to billow out in large clouds. The room quickly filled. I ran to the telephone, rang the firehouse, and requested that they immediately dispatch a truck. It arrived at almost the exact time that Joseph pulled up in front of the house with Papa in the car. It was a strange homecoming. By then, Mummy had lost all composure and forgotten everything that I had told her. As Papa entered the house, Mummy ran to him and started beating him on his chest.
“Damn you, Nigel. This is entirely your fault. If I hadn’t been worn to a frazzle over what you’ve done to me, I would have remembered to check the fireplace flue. You’re the one who always does such things. It wasn’t my responsibility. You …you … Dickhead! Now, we’ll have to have the entire bedroom wing redecorated. The damage is horrific.”
“Calm down, Pamela,” he said, in his usual stoic manner. “That sort of language doesn’t become you at all. The fire lads will take care of it. It’s nothing that can’t be fixed”.
He looked somewhat pale, but otherwise seemed to be his usual self. Shrugging out of his overcoat and hat, he handed them to Nan, and climbed the stairway, presumably to survey the damage. I reminded my mother of the topic we had discussed earlier.
“Oh Bugger off, Sophia,” Mummy shrieked. This isn’t my fault. I would have been fine if that terrible flue had been open. This is your father’s fault … all of it.”
I threw up my hands in surrende
r, gave a deep sigh, and headed toward the stairs to write a letter to Spence. There was nothing else to do. It was time to turn my attention to what mattered in my life …my husband and our little girl. As I walked toward my rooms, I remembered what Dr. Hausfater had said long ago, about Mummy’s lack of ‘coping skills.’ Oh, wasn’t he too right! After I finished my letter, I rang for Nan, and asked that she bring a tray for dinner, so that Isabella and I could dine in our rooms. It seemed best to let Mummy and Papa fend for themselves. From time to time during the hours Isabella and I were ensconced in our rooms, I could hear their voices …Mostly Mummy’s …risen in anger. I knew that it would not end soon. There was no way the muddle could be sorted out in any sensible or calm manner. However, I also knew that I couldn’t continue to be a referee in their God-awful battles. Isabella asked me, during our en suite meal, whether her grandparents were having a row. She was old enough to know that there was something very wrong. I didn’t lie.
“Yes, I’m afraid they are. I think we must let them try to work it out, as best they can, without our interference. Sometimes married people go through rough patches.”
“It theemth like Grandmother is mad at Grandfather,” she said, wisely.
“Yes, that’s the way it is,” I replied. “But, she’s been angry before, and I imagine she’ll get over it.”
“Did he do thomething bad?”
“You might say that,” I answered. “But, it’s nothing for you to worry about.” She was silent for a moment.
“Where did Aunt Edwina and Kippy go? I liked having Kippy here. It was fun to have a baby.”
“Well, sweetheart, they had to leave. They weren’t going to stay here forever. It was just a temporary place to be until Edwina decided where to settle.”
“But, where are Kippy and Aunt Edwina going?”
“I’m not really certain. I think they’ve gone to Bristol for a few days, and then perhaps back to London.”
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