Oh Dear Silvia
Page 25
It’s Cat.
‘Let me in there! I need to see her!’
Without a second thought, and with all the lightning-flash reactions of his training in a war zone, Jamie uses his stick to trip her, and as she falls, he grasps her arm and twists it to her back so that as she hits the floor she isn’t hurt much, but she is entirely restrained. He slumps down and kneels across her so that she can’t move a muscle.
‘Aaaagh! Get off me. Help! Get him off me …!’
‘Stop wriggling and you won’t get hurt. Do you understand?’ Jamie speaks low and clear.
Ed indicates to Winnie that they will need to use the day room, and she nods her agreement.
Jo and Cassie are astonished, dumbfounded.
Ed speaks, ‘Jamie, listen, we need to keep her here. The police are looking for her, put her in there …’
Cat is shrieking, ‘Let me up! I want to see Sil! I need to be with …’
Jamie tightens his hold on her. A small group of fascinated onlookers are gathering around.
Jamie leans in and hisses in her ear, ‘You will never see her again, fact, do you understand?’
He shakes her, a little bit too hard, until it hurts her. And it hurts him, his knee is in agony.
‘Now, get away from my mother …!’
On that, and with Ed’s help, he staggers up, and, along with Ed and Winnie and a porter who has run to help, they bundle her into the day room, close the door and lock it.
She beats on the door like a caged animal from inside.
‘Let me out, you feckin’ bastards! Or I’ll … I’ll smash this fish tank and all the feckin’ fish will die!’
Ed looks at Winnie, who stifles a smile. Not only are the fish fake, but the tank is plastic. Let her try. Winnie places the key firmly in her pocket.
‘Well done, boyso.’ Ed grabs Jamie. ‘Your mum needed you to do that.’
Cassie and Jo, still astonished by the whole debacle, are stuck to the wall like stunned limpets.
Ed takes charge.
‘Come on, everyone in …’
They file into Suite 5, Jamie now supported by his dad’s shoulder.
Unlike the cacophony of the corridor, it’s peaceful and quiet in here. All life is suspended. They spread out and around the bed with Cassie and Jamie hugged up together.
Cassie softly says, ‘Mum, Jamie’s come.’
‘Yes. I’m here.’
He is hushed.
He touches her foot.
There is nothing to be done except to be there. So that’s what they do.
They sit on chairs and watch and wait.
Each person has their own loud internal dialogue with her, but none speak out. It isn’t necessary. It doesn’t feel awkward, it feels natural. It seems hallowed somehow. Like the only place to be at this serious and significant moment. They are the right people to share it, and they know that. They watch and they think.
It’s so very very quiet.
Occasionally they catch one another’s eye and when they do, they smile and understand. They all have permission to just be.
Gradually, her breathing becomes more and more shallow, until they are straining to hear it.
It stops.
It starts.
It stops for too long.
All of their breath stops.
It starts.
They start.
It stops.
Winnie has slipped into the room.
They all smile at her. She is the knower.
Winnie recognizes this is the Cheyne-Stokes change in rhythm that she knows heralds Silvia’s end. Winnie is aware these strange breath patterns can be alarming so she very quietly starts to hum, to help everyone along.
It works. It’s wonderful.
She hums ‘Amazing Grace’, and they are all glad she does.
‘Hmmm.’
(How sweet the sound)
Ed leans in and kisses Silvia.
‘Hmmm.’
‘Bye Silv.’
(I once was lost but now am found)
Winnie takes their hands, one by one, and places them on Silvia’s arms and feet.
‘Hmmm.’
(Was blind but now I see)
Jo whispers, ‘Bye Sis. I’ll never forget you.’
‘Bye Mum,’ says Jamie.
‘Yes, bye Mum,’ says Cassie. ‘We love you.’
Ed reassures her, ‘You can go, Silv … it’s OK.’
‘Hmmm.’
(And Grace will lead me home)
One last strained breath.
She is gone.
Silvia isn’t any more.
Thirty-Eight
Silvia
Friday 1.31pm
deep dark
sleep shadow
tired soul journeys on alone
drifting ocean
final tide
rolling back towards your touch
wash sing
soft climb
finish here begin beyond
turning home
eternal sorrow
forgive it foolish foolish love
feel you
waiting me
I am ’til I am not
slipping always
loving vanish
light kills darkness here I am
coming free
hold me
mummy
mummy
mummy
mum
Acknowledgements
Billie, my darlin’ daughter
The fantastic Sue Hunter (thank God for you!)
The mighty B. F.
Louise Moore
Emma Kilcoyne
Sharon Henry (M. B.)
Sue Perkins
Nigel Carrivick
Kathy Burke
Alfred Bradley
Jono and Judith Taylor
Barrie Gibson
Cynthia Hylton-Jones
Maureen Vincent
Robert Kirby
Neil Reading
Fiona McMorrough
Mark Bignell (Mike and Michelle) and all at Hamoaze House
David Gammell (Help for Heroes)
The astounding Frank Williams (Bootneck)
Doug Beattie
Mark Townsend
Michael Coady
Eamon Grennan
Richard Mabey
Roger Deakin
Will Cohu
Anthony Silverstone and Jemma Bellerose
Jane Pritchard, and all the doctors who helped at Ealing Hospital
Dr Andrew Scurr
Grumpy Vic at Ashridge Nurseries (Me: ‘I’ll call you back for more info,’ Vic: ‘Don’t bother!’)
Professor Michael O’Brien
Richard Lounsbury
David Roper
Liz Smith and all who look out for me at Penguin
Keiren O’Brien
All who cared for my beloved mum, Roma, at Derriford Hospital
And for massive support on the home front, Dave, Emma, Mike and the wonderful, wonderful Debs Walker
Dolly
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Words and Music by Randy Newman
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All rights administered by WB Music Corp.
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First published 2012
Copyright © Dawn French, 2012
The moral right of the author has been asserted
All rights reserved
ISBN: 978-0-14-194807-2