A Fairy's Guide to Disaster

by A W Hartoin

  “No, Iris!”

  Iris shook me off while yelling, “Kitty!”

  Before I could catch her, Iris landed on the bed. The cat saw her. No doubt about that. Its eyes followed my tiny sister as she advanced across the bed towards it. Its long, skinny tail lashed the air and the tip of a very pink tongue poked out from between its furry lips. I rocketed across the room, my arms outstretched to snatch her up. But before I reached Iris, the cat lifted a paw with curved white talons and batted her. She tumbled through the air and disappeared over the side of the bed. The cat leapt after her.

  I shot over the bed and bumped into the window on the other side before I could stop myself. I shook my head and looked down, expecting the absolute worst. I only hoped I wouldn’t have to pry my sister’s mangled body out of the cat’s jaws.

  The cat sat hunched over and pawed at the floor. I darted forward to see Iris dancing between the creature’s paws.

  “Iris! What are you doing?”

  She waved and dodged a white paw as it slammed down on the very spot where she’d been standing. The cat wiggled its fuzzy butt and pounced. Iris dashed away and dodged the next paw while throwing her head back in laughter.

  “Get away from that thing or I’m going to have to come get you,” I shouted.

  A cat. It had to be a cat. How many killer cat stories had Grandma Vi told us over the years? Now Iris was down there trying her best to get eaten. It was too much. I’d flown out into a strange antique mall to save Gerald, battled spriggans to find Easy and risked getting flattened by the mantel to rescue Horc, but a cat was too much.

  I hovered for a moment watching Iris risk her neck with the ultimate monster and then swallowed the hot bile bubbling up in my throat. I waited for the right moment. The cat meowed and Iris ran between the cat’s forelegs. She emerged from underneath its side and flew over its head. The cat stared up at her, eyes cold and unblinking. Iris flitted back and forth. The cat opened its mouth. I dashed in, snatching Iris from between its jaws. The cat’s hot breath engulfed us, smelling of fish and rotting grass. It leapt up behind us, snapping its jaws shut just as I got Iris over the edge of the bed.

  I shook as I flew us across the room to a book shelf and landed next to a stack of books five deep. “What’s wrong with you?”

  Iris broke out of my grasp. “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? Why’d you drag me away?”

  I stared at her open-mouthed.

  “Hello,” said Iris.

  “Iris, come on. Do you want to get eaten?” I asked.

  “She wasn’t going to eat me. We were playing.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  The cat stalked across the floor, sat next to the bookcase and stared up at us, lashing its tail.

  Iris pointed. “See. She misses me.”

  “She misses the chance to eat you. Where’s your sense?”

  “She’s a pet. Pets don’t eat people.”

  “They do if they’re cats. Grandma Vi would have a heart attack if she saw what you were doing,” I said.

  “No, she wouldn’t. She liked cats. You heard her stories.”

  “A cat ate her uncle.”

  “He was an idiot,” said Iris, screwing up her face into a look of ultimate stubbornness. “It’s not the same at all.”

  “You mean he was such an idiot he played with a cat?”

  “Are you calling me an idiot?”

  “Well…” I couldn’t quite figure out what I wanted to say. Clearly, Iris was an idiot, but it didn’t seem like the right time to point that out. “Let’s just go.”

  “I’m not going until you apologize to me and Powder Puff,” said Iris.

  “Powder Puff?”

  Iris gestured to the cat that was now licking its paws. To me, it looked a lot like washing up for dinner.

  “Forget it,” I said.

  Iris cocked her head to the side and gave me a sly little smile. “If you don’t apologize I won’t tell you what’s happening downstairs.”

  Startled, I glanced toward the door. “What is it?”

  “I’m not telling,” said Iris.

  “Fine. You can go feed yourself to the cat while I go check it out alone.”

  Iris’s face lost her angry expression. “But you need me to hear for you.”

  “I can still see, Iris. I’m not a total invalid.”

  “I never said you were an invalid.”

  “And I didn’t mean to call you an idiot, but look at that thing. It’s a cat, Iris. Carnivore. Get it?”

  “She was just playing.”

  I rubbed my forehead and watched the cat eyeing us. A pet. Only Iris would find that monster appealing. “Please tell me what’s going on downstairs.”

  “A party.”

  “Really?”

  “Yep.”

  I flew out the door and smiled to find Iris close at my heels. Unfortunately, the cat wasn’t far behind, padding along and watching us with an intensity that made my pits sweat.

  At the bottom of the stairs, the mom leaned on the newel post, chatting into a silver rectangle. A young man with eagles tattooed on his bicep stomped past her carrying a rack filled with glassware. I hovered next to her and watched the man place the rack on the floor. He went back outside and returned with another rack. A young woman in an apron bustled in, ordering him to be careful. He didn’t answer, but I saw him roll his eyes when he put the rack on top of the other one. The young woman crossed her arms and tapped her foot as he ferried more racks and then flat silver containers.

  The mom took the rectangle away from her ear and punched a few buttons on the face. “Mom,” she said into the rectangle. “This is ridiculous. They’re bringing glasses and chairs. We have chairs.”

  She listened and then said, “I know, but I don’t need this. Fine. I’ll see you in a couple hours.”

  I looked at Iris. “I thought you said it was a party.”

  “I meant they’re planning a party.” Iris pointed at the mom. “She’s graduating from something.”

  The mom made a low noise in the back of her throat. The man with the tattoos heard and grinned at her as he carried a plastic container filled with bunches of flowers by. I gazed through the archway into the kitchen as the sour young woman scrubbed her hands and started laying vegetables on a cutting board.

  The little girl, Tess, ran in the front door and stopped short when she saw the piles of stuff the man brought in. “What’s all this, Mom?”

  “I told you Gram is throwing a party for my graduation today,” her mom said.

  “That’s a lot of stuff.”

  “You know how Gram loves a party.”

  “Who’s coming?”

  The mom pulled a tissue out of her sleeve and blew her nose. “Everybody.”

  “Who’s everybody?” Tess’s eyes wandered over the piles of vegetables and a newly uncovered box of chocolate on the kitchen table.

  “Please, Tess,” said her mom. “Go play for a bit, and then you can get dressed. I’m going to lie down.”

  The mom turned and went up the stairs. Iris and I followed Tess into the kitchen. Tess propped her elbows on the granite tabletop and watched the young woman chopping carrots.

  “What are you making?” Tess asked.

  “Amuse bouche,” said the woman with a sneer.

  “Does it have chocolate?”

  “Certainly not.”

  Tess lowered her eyes to the carrots and then fixed them on the woman. “What is it then?”

  The woman sighed. “Amuse bouche means to amuse the mouth. It is a one bite appetizer, if you must know.”

  Tess grinned and twirled one of her extremely long ponytails. “I must.” Then she flounced out the door, leaving the woman frowning in her wake.

  I turned to Iris. “I like her.”

  Iris pursed her lips while looking at the woman. “Her? I don’t like her at all.”

  “Not her,” I said. “Tess. Did you know what an amuse bouche was?”

  “N
o, and I bet Gerald doesn’t either,” said Iris. “Let’s test him.”

  I spun around and flew past the man with the tattoos who was now pushing furniture out of the way. We fluttered above stacks of chairs and bouquets of flowers to the mantel. I headed for our front door when I caught sight of Gerald walking on the mantel shelf. I turned to Iris, but she’d already spotted him. We lit on the shelf a dozen steps away and watched. Gerald’s back was to us. He stood next to a pair of crystal candlesticks that hadn’t been there before we went upstairs.

  “We’ve been decorated,” I said.

  “Look at the pictures.” Iris pointed at several frames containing pictures of fat drooling babies. “They look so real. Not like paintings at all.”

  I nodded. The pictures were incredible, like real babies were pressed in the frames. “I wonder how they do that.”

  “Check out Horc,” said Iris.

  Horc toddled to one of the candlesticks, heaved himself over the bottom lip and began climbing the steep slope. When he reached the summit, he sat on his wide butt and slid down with his arms raised. Easy sat a distance away with a severe pout on his face. He chortled something at Gerald. Gerald shook his head and turned around. His face revealed relief with just a touch of guilt. He rushed over to us, tripping on one of Iris’s teddy bears and bumping his knee.

  “You’ve been gone forever,” he said.

  “Have not,” said Iris. “Why won’t you help Easy go on the slide?”

  He groaned. “I already did. About a million times. It’s not as thrilling as you’d think.”

  “Why didn’t you stay inside?”

  “There’s something in there.” He gestured to the other side of the mantel, Easy’s home.

  “I don’t hear anything,” said Iris.

  “Me neither,” said Gerald.

  I walked towards the babies with Gerald and Iris at my side. “If you didn’t hear anything, how do you know something’s there?”

  Gerald’s old resentful look came back to roost on his face. “Ask Easy.”

  “Easy?” I asked.

  “He’s a mindbender.”

  Iris gasped and I bit back a sharp retort. Easy made a sad chirp, his eyes brimming. I scooped him up. “Don’t call Easy that, Gerald. I’m serious.”

  “What are you going to do?” Two red spots appeared high on Gerald’s cheeks.

  I stepped closer to him and lowered my face until we were nose to nose. “I don’t know, but you won’t like it.”

  “All right. All right.” Gerald backed up.

  Horc slid down the candlestick again, faster than before and ended up rolling head over heels to rest at our feet. “That was an intense experience. You should try it,” he said, wobbling and greener than usual.

  “I’ll pass,” I said. “Did Easy tell you something’s in his house?”

  Horc jutted his chin out at me. “Hungry.”

  “Not that again. Why do you always get hungry when we need information?” I asked.

  “Best time to negotiate.”

  “You don’t need to negotiate for food,” I said. “We’ll feed you no matter what.”

  “Excellent. I’m ready.” Horc opened his mouth and waited.

  I handed Easy to Iris. “Not this minute. Is something in the mantel or not?”

  Horc shut his mouth reluctantly. “Easy said there is.”

  Easy nodded and buried his face in Iris’s shoulder.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “He doesn’t know. He just knows it’s there. He feels the presence of more minds,” said Horc, yawning.

  “I take it you’re not worried.”

  “What’s to worry about? You’ll take care of it. Now about lunch.”

  I turned to Easy. “How many things are in there?”

  Easy concentrated and then looked at Horc.

  “Several,” said Horc.

  “Great,” I said. “I guess I’ll go check it out.”

  “You can’t go in there alone. It’s crazy,” said Gerald.

  “Glad you think so, because you’re coming with me.”

  “No, I’m not,” he said. “I say we just leave whatever’s in there alone. Maybe they’ll go away.”

  “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that things don’t just go away. Come on, Gerald. It’s your turn,” I said.

  Gerald opened his mouth and then shut it. Iris stuck her tongue out at him and then asked, “Do you know what an amuse bouche is?”

  Gerald wrinkled his forehead. “It’s a small bite of food, like an appetizer. Why?”

  Iris’s mouth dropped open, but she recovered quickly. “Never mind. Easy, you want to go on the slide?”

  Easy chirped happily as I took off and hovered above the mantel. “I’m waiting, Gerald.”

  He followed as slowly as possible. For once, I was glad I couldn’t hear the complaints that were surely aimed at me. We flew down to Easy’s front door and lit on the ledge in front of it.

  “Do you hear anything?” I asked.

  Gerald shook his head. That fact didn’t seem to make him feel any better though. I rubbed his back and pulled open the door. The hall lay dark and deserted. Debris littered the floor, but there weren’t any glowing red eyes or anything.

  “Do you smell that?” asked Gerald.

  “I sure do,” I said.

  Subtle smells, moss, lemongrass, and cattails wafted around us. Gerald wrinkled his nose and stepped back.

  “It’s okay,” I said. “I know what it is.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I lit a sweet little flame in the palm of my hand and held it aloft, casting soft yellow shadows on the walls. “Pretty sure,” I said as I advanced down the darkened hall.

  CHAPTER 18

  I leaned on the living room doorway, watching Gerald circling the room. He kept his eyes fixed on a pile of brown fur. Several arms and legs twitched, but no heads were visible. The pile emitted a low wheezing sound every few seconds, or so Gerald claimed.

  “Don’t worry,” I said. “They won’t wake up.”

  Gerald poked at the pile, even going so far as to pick up a hand and let it drop.

  “Are you sure?” he asked.

  I watched a flame dance across my hand, separate into five little flames and flow out to the tips of my fingers. “That’s what Soren said. Trow are nocturnal.”

  “Are they dangerous?”

  “Soren didn’t seem to think so.”

  “But you don’t know.”

  I willed the flames to reform into one and looked at Gerald. “No, I’m not sure, but I feel fine about them. You do too, don’t you? We’d feel it if they were dangerous.”

  “Maybe. I wonder why they sleep like this. It almost looks like one creature instead of a bunch.” Gerald brushed his hand across the brown fur. It sprung back into place as though nothing had disturbed it.

  “You can ask them at dusk,” I said. “Soren says that’s when they wake up.”

  Gerald stopped and listened. “More humans are here.”

  “Maybe the party’s starting,” I said. “Let’s look.”

  “Should we lock the trow in?”

  “We’d just have to let them out. Why bother?”

  Gerald opened his mouth to say something, but shut it without the expected protest. I went to the front door, peeked out, and watched as a new woman arranged flowers on a long table where the sofa used to be. The regular furniture framed the edge of the room that now had a multitude of humans in it. Judd and Tess dodged adults carrying platters and flowers. They stole several things off a tray on the kitchen table. They popped them in their mouths and chewed. Judd gagged and spit his out into his hand. Tess was daintier. She swallowed, but not without an expression of agony on her face. Judd tossed his bite into a vase and went back for seconds.

  “Oh, no you don’t.” An elderly woman came around the corner by the stairs and shook her finger at Judd. Her voice sounded stern, but her face gleamed with pleasure at the boy.
/>   I grabbed Gerald’s arm. “Look who it is.”

  “Who?” asked Gerald as he pulled his arm away and rubbed it.

  I looked at him incredulously until I remembered that I’d been alone in the antique mall when I’d run into the old ladies.

  “Sarah. I saw her in the antique mall.”

  Gerald shrugged, pushed past me, and tried to take off. I grabbed his arm and yanked him back.

  “Hey!”

  “She believes in fairies.”

  Gerald regarded Sarah with more interest. He leaned on the door frame. “If she already believes, maybe she’ll see you.”

  “Just what I was thinking.”

  “So you could ask her for help?”

  I watched Sarah hug Judd and then cuddle Tess. Sarah said something to Judd while gesturing to his smudged chin. Judd grimaced. The kids ran up the stairs and out of sight. Sarah surveyed the room. She wore an emerald green dress with a dozen strands of pearls looped around her neck. The green made her silver hair shine and I hoped I’d look as good when I was old. Sarah’s scent reached through the smells of flowers and food to make me smile. Lavender and cookies. Just like in the mall.

  “It’s worth a try,” I said.

  Gerald clapped his hands together and rubbed them vigorously. “Excellent. Let’s tell Iris. She was pretty worried about our parents.”

  “You and Iris have a lot to say to each other.”

  “When you forget she’s fat, she’s not so bad,” he said.

  I punched him in the shoulder. “Shut up, Gerald.”

  He flushed and he looked ready to spout anger at me, but when he saw I was smiling at him, he hung his head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “Apology accepted.”

  We flew out and closed the door behind us. The red room buzzed with activity. The mom watched it all, leaning on the newel post with a tissue in hand. She now wore a strapless black and white dress with red high heels. Her hair flowed back from her face into a sleek chignon, emphasizing her wide mouth. Tess rushed down the stairs to join her mother. She danced on tiptoes and twirled. Her blue party dress spun out, revealing black netting under the skirt. Her hair was braided and coiled around her head, making her exceptionally pretty, much prettier than her mother.