Risk

by Fleur Ferris

  ‘What’s up with Riley?’ Sierra asks, trying to change the subject. ‘She’s been giving me dirty looks all day. Everything I say, she shoots me down. What have I ever done to her?’ She pauses and rubs her eyes. ‘Maybe I go on about America a bit much. I’m over the top sometimes, aren’t I?’

  ‘Well, you do go there. You should be able to talk about it. We all talk about what we did in the holidays; what we’ve done is just boring in comparison.’

  ‘She never shut up about her holiday to Fiji. God, like we didn’t hear about that enough. And she doesn’t shut up about Joel, either. What’s the difference?’

  ‘Maybe you should talk it out with her …’

  ‘So are we okay about the Callum thing?’ This time Sierra looks straight into my eyes and it’s my turn to look away.

  ‘Of course,’ I say. ‘I don’t even know why you’re going on about it.’

  She nods, then her face breaks into a smile. ‘So, Big Friday – did I tell you that’s what we’ve been calling it?’

  Only twenty million times, I think to myself.

  She continues. ‘I’m keeping it casual and short, just in case. It’s always easy to extend a date, but so awkward to cut one short.’

  Oh god. Put me out of my misery.

  The day drags and I can’t get away from Sierra, Jacob Jones and Big Friday. With every story Sierra tells, I realise I knew nothing about Jacob Jones. And her confession about kissing Callum echoes through my mind all day. I so want it to be true, but it doesn’t make sense. Sierra comes onto Callum and he says no? Unlikely. I don’t know if she’s making it up to be nice, or telling the truth to be nice. Everything about this day is exhausting.

  School finally ends and I’m pleased to be alone while I walk home. Thoughts skitter around my head and with every step I take my anger builds. As if Callum said no to Sierra … And if Sierra thought I liked him so much why did she try to kiss him in the first place? Sierra, Sierra, Sierra! I’m sick of the sight of Sierra. Her and her Big Friday. The thought of having to see her at school tomorrow makes me want to scream.

  I loathe how I feel right now.

  A lump forms in my throat. I try to think of something other than Sierra, Jacob Jones, Big Friday, Callum, and the kiss that may or may not have happened.

  I reach our front door, let myself in and hope I can get past the kitchen without talking to Mum.

  ‘Hi.’ Mum is sitting at the kitchen table, with her back straight, and a huge smile on her face. She’s either lost it or won the lotto. Her hands cover something on the table. An envelope.

  ‘Hello,’ I say stiffly. I just want to go to my bedroom and cry. I need to let it out. Breathe slowly, I think to myself. I exhale as if I were blowing out through a straw.

  ‘I have a surprise,’ Mum says.

  I stand and wait, cautiously.

  ‘Aren’t you going to sit down?’ she asks.

  ‘Do I need to sit down? Is it a bad surprise?’ There’s an edge to my voice.

  ‘Is everything okay? Was school okay?’ She now looks more like Mum.

  I nod as heat rises into my face. I’m not sure where my blushing gene came from – Mum doesn’t have it, and neither did Dad. It must be a mutation-type thing, when genes become dodgy when they combine.

  ‘Well, this might make you feel a bit better.’ Mum slides the envelope across the table. I sit down and open it. A brochure falls out. Vail Mountain, Colorado. Behind it is a piece of paper. An itinerary. My name, Mum’s name, Qantas, January next year. My stomach drops.

  ‘What’s this?’

  ‘I booked it. Today.’ Mum’s smiling so wide I can see her gold tooth at the back. ‘I rang Rachel to see where they stay and I booked a place for us just two doors down so you can be close to Sierra.’

  ‘How could you be so … spontaneous?’ I snap.

  Her smile slackens.

  ‘What do you mean, spontaneous? I’ve booked one year ahead. I have twelve months to pay for it.’

  ‘We can’t afford it. You’re going to have to work overtime or … or night shift. You’re already at the hospital more than you’re at home.’ It’s not true; I’m not making sense. She only ever works morning shift, but I have nothing else to say. All I can think of is being dragged behind Sierra for two weeks, her looking amazing and me buried up to my neck in powder. She’ll probably take Jacob.

  I burst into tears. ‘I’m not going!’ I yell as I run to my bedroom.

  When I reach my bed I cover my face with my pillow and cry so hard my head aches. I breathe through a pretend straw until I start to calm down. There is a small tap at my door and Mum opens it a crack.

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

  I bury my head for another wave of crying. ‘No,’ I say through it.

  ‘Did something happen with Sierra at school today? Did you have a fight?’

  ‘I said I didn’t want to talk about it,’ I snap.

  There’s a pause and then the sliver of light disappears and her footsteps fade. I feel worse.

  It’s not like I could ever kick Sierra off my friend list: our mums are best friends. They grew up together, did nursing together, they got married at the same time and our dads were mates long before that. They even decided to have babies at the same time, but Mum didn’t fall pregnant. It took years for her to have me – I’m an IVF baby, and Rachel was onto her second pregnancy, with Sierra, when Mum fell pregnant with me. Sierra and I have heard the story a thousand times over. You’d think our mums were having babies with each other, the way they finish each other’s sentences when they tell it.

  Rachel’s been like a second mum to me. When Dad died she was there, always – more, in fact, than Mum wanted her to be. Rachel dedicated all of her time to doing whatever she thought could help. I remember being in our kitchen, overhearing an argument between her and Mum.

  ‘I need space,’ Mum had snapped.

  ‘That’s fine,’ Rachel said. ‘I’ll take Taylor.’

  ‘No. I want her here,’ Mum said.

  ‘I don’t think she should be alone while you have “space”,’ Rachel said, her voice clipped. ‘She needs extra love and attention right now.’

  Mum burst into tears. ‘I can’t do it. I can’t do it.’

  ‘I know it’s hard.’ Rachel hugged her. ‘We’ll make sure she’s right. We’ll get through this.’

  I went home with Rachel and Sierra that day and stayed with them while Mum focused on looking after herself. I remember Rachel telling me, ‘Our home is your home.’ And although I was grieving too, I loved it. The mood was different at Rachel’s house – there was laughter. If Sierra got something new, I would get it, too. I had my own bed at their place with my own special doona cover and wardrobe space for my clothes. I became part of their family.

  After I moved back with Mum, Rachel had told me I didn’t have to ask if I could go there – I could visit whenever I liked, Sierra didn’t even have to be home. When I got older, Rachel even showed me where the key to their house was hidden. There were no limits to her love.

  Riley’s wrong about Sierra. She’s not a cow. She’s just ridiculously oblivious to the pandemonium that follows her. Rachel has been like a second mother to me, and I love Sierra like a sister. I’ve worked long and hard at not being jealous of her. I guess this – this thing with Jacob and Callum – is just something else that’s part of that.

  After crying for what seems like a few hours, my throat is parched so I head downstairs for a drink. On my way to the kitchen I vow to keep exercising. I don’t need to have someone to look good for. I want to be fitter and healthier and to feel better about myself, for me.

  On the way back to my room I stop at Mum’s bedroom door. It’s always open. She’s asleep. I feel terrible that I ruined her surprise.

  I change into my pyjamas, clean my teeth, then go back to her room and crawl into the bed beside her. Whenever I was too sad to sleep on my own after Dad died, this is what I’d do. It’s warm, safe and I feel
loved.

  THREE

  When I wake, Mum is gone. Her shift starts at seven so she has to be out the door by six-thirty. My stomach feels flat, but doesn’t look it. I dress in runners and trackpants and go for my jog. My energy is low and my legs feel heavy and slow. How glamorous. No one’s around to see my sweaty face and lame outfit, though, so I push through and try to put more energy into each step. I’m pretty sure my eyes are still red from last night, but I hope my face loses its redness by the time I get to school.

  Riley is already in the canteen with Callum and Joel.

  ‘Hey, Taylor.’ Riley does a double take when she sees my puffy eyes.

  ‘Hi, Tay,’ says Callum. He glances up and his eyes stall on my face. He hits Joel on the arm, stands up and waves at him to follow.

  ‘What?’ says Joel.

  ‘Come with me for a minute,’ Callum says.

  ‘Why?’

  Riley kicks Joel in the calf. He looks at me, flinches and flies up out of his chair. Joel hates emotional girls.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Riley asks when they’re gone.

  ‘I am now. I had a fight with Mum last night. I just feel crap about everything. I’ll get over it.’

  ‘You wanna talk about it?’

  ‘I think it’s PMS. I always get emotional.’

  ‘Tay, you know it’s not PMS. Why don’t you just tell her? Let her feel crap for once.’

  ‘What would change? Jacob likes her. It’s not that anyway.’

  ‘You always make excuses for her.’

  ‘No I don’t. Sierra doesn’t even know we were chatting. I’m the one keeping secrets.’

  Riley stares out the window. ‘You’re not going to help her on Friday, are you?’

  ‘Actually, I need to talk to you about that. She wanted me to go with her. I said I had to help you do something after school.’

  Riley looks at me with raised eyebrows.

  ‘Well, what was I supposed to say? She caught me off guard. Please, Riley, I can’t go with her.’

  ‘Just say flat out “no”! I mean, of course you can come over. Joel was going to come over, but we’re not doing anything. You know what’s going to happen, though, don’t you?’

  ‘What?’

  Riley looks at me like I’m dumb.

  ‘She’s going to get caught. She’s already in trouble for sending those boob shots to those guys. But this time you’re going to get dragged down with her. That’s what peeves me most. She doesn’t care who else gets into trouble, as long as she’s having a good time.’

  ‘Going into the city for a few hours on a Friday night is hardly the worst thing in the world,’ I say. ‘And I won’t even have to lie for her. I’ll just tell Mum I’m going around to your place after school. Sierra will be with me when I go home. It all works.’

  ‘It’s your call, but I want nothing to do with it. After that time she snuck off with Matt – you remember? – I’m never lying for her again.’

  I laugh. ‘Yeah, she totally fell for him. And he was such a dick!’

  Riley laughs but stops suddenly. I follow her gaze and see that Sierra has arrived. A blast of air hits her face as she pushes through the canteen door. Her hair flies out behind her as if she were Delta Goodrem in a music video. She smiles and her teeth flash a high-gloss white.

  ‘Hi, babes.’

  I feel guilty that we’ve been talking about her and my face flushes hot. She looks at me and the smile falls from her face.

  ‘Has something happened?’

  ‘God, do I really look that bad?’ I laugh as I say it.

  ‘Yep,’ they both say.

  At lunch I check my face in the mirror. The puffiness has gone down but my blue eyes look grey and watery against the redness that still lingers in the whites. My skin is pale and washed out, making my hair seem blacker. The pale freckles across my nose look sunburnt. The fact that I’m having a bad hair day doesn’t help. I should have dried it properly this morning and used the straightening iron. I pat my hair with wet hands hoping that some of the frizz will smooth over. It does, but I know it won’t last for long.

  I pull my dress down at the front. I hate how it rides up over my boobs. The buttons look like they’re hanging on for dear life, but I refuse to go up a size in uniform. I step back from the mirror so I can see more of myself. I lift my arm to see how big the uniform looks, and then turn side-on to see how wide it looks from that angle. Then someone walks in and I make out as if I was turning to leave.

  I find the others in the canteen. It’s packed; everyone’s trying to escape the heat. I keep my arms down to hide the sweat circles I spotted in the toilet.

  I squeeze in beside Callum and Riley; sardines in a can.

  ‘So Big Friday – what have you arranged?’ I pretend to be enthusiastic. I know Sierra’s going to want to talk about it all week. I have to get over it and the best way is to hit it head-on. I stressed all summer about her and Callum, I’m not going to start the year stressing about Jacob. Jacob’s no loss; I don’t even know him. That’s what I’m telling myself, anyway.

  A huge smile lights up Sierra’s face. ‘We spoke last night – actually spoke on the phone!’ She takes a deep, dreamy breath. ‘We have so much in common …’

  ‘So if you get married are you going to be Sierra Carson-Mills-Jones? Or just Sierra Jones?’ I giggle.

  Callum joins in. ‘Imagine if he had a hyphenated name, too,’ he says. ‘Like Jones-Smith or something. You’d be Sierra Carson-Mills-Jones-Smith! And then imagine if your kids married someone with a hyphenated surname, it would be Carson-Mills–’

  ‘We get the picture.’ I cut Callum short, playfully elbowing him in the ribs. I couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t seem upset about Sierra’s enthusiasm over her call with Jacob. Maybe he didn’t kiss Sierra …

  The banter keeps going. Sierra loves it. Riley – not so much. I smile at her cat’s-bum face.

  ‘Where are you going to meet?’ Riley sounds abrupt.

  ‘We thought outside Hummingbird Cupcakes and then we’d go for a juice.’

  ‘Whoa. Sounds like a hot date,’ Callum teases.

  ‘I know,’ says Sierra. ‘I originally made it that way, thinking that we should plan to make it a quick first meeting just in case, you know, he turns out to be a douche, but …’ She pauses and takes a quick breath. ‘Oh man, I don’t think that’s going to be an issue.’

  ‘Okay, here’s what we’re doing.’ I glance at Riley. Sierra looks out the window at one of the year eleven guys. ‘I’m going to Riley’s house after school on Friday.’

  ‘Are you? Cool – we can all go for a swim,’ Joel says.

  ‘Thanks for inviting me!’ says Callum.

  ‘It’s not like we’re having a party or anything,’ says Riley. ‘You can come over too if you want.’

  It’s silly that I’m so glad Callum wants to come, given that I flipped out over Jacob and Sierra only yesterday.

  ‘No, that’s fine. Don’t worry about your ol’ mate Callum,’ Callum says. ‘Okay, I’ll come.’

  Riley rolls her eyes.

  ‘Anyway,’ I say, ‘back to Sierra and her hot date.’ I tap Sierra on the shoulder – she’s still preoccupied with the guy out the window. ‘You ring me when you’re leaving the city. We’ll choose a place to meet and then we’ll walk back to mine from there.’

  Sierra nods. ‘Have you said anything to your mum yet?’

  ‘No. I’m not going to, either. I’d rather say nothing than lie. And besides, she’ll make a point of ringing Rachel if she knows you’re coming. Just come home with me after your date and I’ll say I forgot to mention you were coming.’

  ‘I’m sooo excited!’ Sierra gushes. ‘I think I’ll burst before Friday comes around.’

  ‘Ew. Don’t. It would be guts and brains everywhere,’ I say.

  We both ignore Riley’s vomit noises.

  The day takes forever, but finally the last bell sounds. I’m exhausted from acting happy. I drag mys
elf home and find Mum in the kitchen, cooking dinner. I say ‘hi’ and go to apologise but decide now is not the right time. Maybe when we sit down for dinner. She greets me as if nothing happened last night. She never holds a grudge. I go to my room and change out of my uniform while my computer boots up.

  I’ve avoided checking my email after finding out about Sierra and Jacob, but now my curiosity gets the better of me. I log on. There’s nothing from him. My stomach lurches, but I think it would have lurched either way. I quickly change the background photo of the beach huts. I don’t ever want to see it again.

  I go downstairs and start helping Mum with dinner.

  ‘How was your day?’

  ‘Okay, I guess.’ I tell her which teachers I have for different subjects. ‘How was work?’

  ‘Busy,’ she says. ‘I sat in triage most of the day and the stream of patients coming through the door didn’t stop for a second.’

  I love Mum’s stories about the hospital but instead of letting her go on I finally blurt out my apology. ‘I’m sorry about last night.’

  Mum smiles and nods but doesn’t say anything. She can see I haven’t finished.

  ‘And thanks for booking the holiday. I’m sure by then I’ll be busting to go.’ I stare at the floor.

  ‘Do you want to talk about what happened?’ She never pushes me. After Dad died we had some counselling sessions together and one of the exercises was about not pushing a person to talk. It’s supposed to allow the person who’s upset time to work out how they feel without being pressured to discuss it. Mum’s heaps better at it than I am. I still lash out. She never does, even when she’s had a bad day.

  ‘No. Not really. I mean, Sierra didn’t actually do anything …’ I leave it at that. ‘On Friday I might go to Riley’s after school.’ I’m not lying but it feels like it and I shift from foot to foot.

  ‘How is Riley?’

  ‘She’s good. Back with Joel.’

  ‘Oh, well, thank heavens for that.’ She laughs and puts her hand to her throat. ‘I’ve been praying they’d work things out.’