Risk

by Fleur Ferris

  We go upstairs. Callum is allowed in my bedroom as long as the door is open. He sits at my desk and I sit cross-legged on my bed.

  Mum’s up and down the stairs pretending not to check on us. The phone rings.

  I cringe. ‘This could be the call that turns my life to shit,’ I whisper.

  ‘Are you just waiting for Sierra’s mum to find out she’s not here?’ Callum frowns.

  ‘Pretty much.’

  ‘Far out. She’ll go nuts. I might go home.’

  ‘Thanks, brave man. Don’t worry about me. I can face Rachel’s wrath on my own.’

  ‘I have to go soon, anyway. I have soccer at two. You should come along … I mean, if you’ve got nothing else to do and you want a distraction. It’s local; I was just going to ride down.’

  ‘Okay. I’ll ask Mum.’

  When I hear Mum’s voice, I know she’s not talking to Rachel. She’s too happy.

  ‘That would be lovely. Thank you. Yes, yes, I’ll ask her. She might want to come, too,’ Mum says to whoever she is talking to. ‘No probs. See you then. Bye.’ She hangs up.

  ‘Who was it?’

  ‘Narelle, from work. We’re going to do dinner tonight. You’re welcome to come along if you want.’

  ‘Oh, no, I think I’ll stay home. I have homework.’ I’m relieved. I figure that if Rachel is going to call, it will be this afternoon or this evening after the fundraiser. Mum will be distracted and won’t answer her phone through dinner. I might actually get out of this one alive.

  ‘Can I ride down to the oval and watch the soccer? Callum’s playing.’

  ‘Are you going there together?’

  ‘Yes, Mum.’ I sigh. She’s such a worrier.

  ‘Are you coming straight back here after?’

  ‘Ah …’ I look at Callum. He shrugs and nods. ‘Yeah, we can.’

  ‘Okay, that should be fine then,’ Mum says.

  ‘Mum, it’s just a local game of soccer. Don’t fuss. Callum’s mum will probably even be there.’

  ‘Yeah, she will be,’ Callum says.

  ‘Okay, okay, I won’t ask anything else.’ She shoos us away with her hands. ‘Go, go. And have fun.’ She goes over the top and just about pushes us out the door.

  I walk and Callum rides slowly beside me so we can chat.

  ‘If money were no object, where would you be right now?’ Callum’s a dreamer and often plays these games.

  ‘I would be in Paris. I’d be holding a heap of shopping bags … No, wait. Tahiti. I saw a picture the other day in a magazine of a cottage sitting over the water. It looked sooo beautiful.’

  ‘And who are you with?’

  ‘Let’s see. On the beach next to me sits Pink and Ansel Elgort … and Alex Pettyfer. What about you?’

  ‘I like the Tahiti idea. I’m pretty sure I saw the same picture too, in the paper. I’m not sure if I’d want those guys around, though. I think I’d rather real people. Friends. Riley and Joel … and …’ His voice trails off. ‘And you,’ he stammers.

  I look at Callum and see that he’s blushing. His awkwardness makes me blush, too. A wisp of hair hangs over his left eye. He pushes it aside and looks to the ground. My stomach does a flip.

  I sit at the soccer with Callum’s family, as though I’m a part of his cheer squad. I’m aware of every move he makes on the field and I can see he’s also preoccupied with me, as I sit and cheer on the sidelines. I try to imagine what it would be like to be his girlfriend, and the thought leaves me breathless. After the game, he stands close to me. Heat radiates from him. I breathe him in. There’s a lot of eye contact and neither of us looks away. Something’s happening. We’re electric.

  As he talks I watch his lips and wonder what it would be like to kiss them. Or to touch his perfect teeth with my tongue. I blush at the thought. Our eye contact lingers. It’s strange and unsettling: I’ve liked him for so long that I just can’t imagine anything actually happening … But the electric energy continues to surge through me. I didn’t know I could feel so confident and certain, yet shy, nervous and unsure all at once.

  Back at my house, there’s a lot more staring into each other’s eyes. He says he’ll stay until Mum comes home. We chat about random stuff, but the eye contact is relentless. Flirting, challenging, but nothing physical. It’s killing me. Maybe I should just kiss him … But I haven’t hooked up with many guys. What if I do something wrong? He’s definitely going to have to make the first move.

  We’re sitting close on the couch. I’m flicking through a magazine and the TV is on.

  ‘Let’s do this survey,’ I say. ‘How do you know if he’s into you?’ I giggle, embarrassed already. I start to read. ‘Your secret crush a) listens to everything you say, b) often drifts –’

  Callum leans in and cuts me off mid-sentence.

  ‘Do you have one?’ he asks. His voice is low and intimate.

  I feel his breath on the side of my face.

  ‘What?’ I say, acting dumb.

  He rolls his eyes.

  ‘A crush on anyone.’

  I blush and a smile takes over my lips. There’s just no way I can say it.

  ‘There must be someone,’ he persists. His face is so close to mine that, if I turn, we’ll touch. I lean away and face him. Our eyes meet. I can hardly breathe. He moves forward and turns his head so we’re at the right angle to kiss. I meet him halfway. The first one is light and quick and when I respond he kisses me again. Longer this time. His lips are warm and soft; his chin is scratchy when it touches my skin. All of my senses are alive and I hope I’m doing everything right. His tongue brushes mine, and then enters my mouth. I bring my hand up through his hair and bring his head forward. I love his tongue inside my mouth and want more of him. Our kiss becomes passionate and urgent. The magazine falls to the floor and we move so we’re lying down. Our bodies press into each other. We seem to be the perfect fit and we move against each other until my whole body aches. It’s as if I can’t get close enough.

  While we kiss, he runs his fingers down the side of my jaw and traces a line down my neck. His fingers move along my collarbone and rest at the centre of my throat. Slowly, his hand makes its way down the centre of my chest, over my clothing. My heart races and I wonder if he can feel it. He flattens out his hand and moves it over my dress, to my breast. I remind myself to keep breathing. And then the front door opens.

  We spring up from the couch, straighten our clothing and our hair and our faces and wait for the awkward moment when Mum walks in. My lips and chin tingle; my cheeks burn.

  ‘It’s time I went home,’ Callum says to me, after we’ve said ‘hi’ to Mum.

  I nod. I see instantly that she knows.

  I see Callum to the door. I’m too embarrassed to kiss him goodnight so he stands self-consciously for a few seconds and then leaves.

  I lean against the door and breathe deeply. His scent is still in the air. I can’t hold back the smile from my tingling, hot lips.

  I go straight to my room to avoid questions from Mum. I want to think over my day with Callum. I want to remember every beautiful moment.

  SIX

  The next morning I wake early, get up and go for a run. My step feels lighter. My mind is bright and alert. The sky is so vivid, the sun so bright. I run past Callum’s street and wonder what he’s doing. Now that we’ve been apart for a bit I feel a little coy about the whole thing. We’ve been friends forever. I’d hate for that to change. The thought of last night brings an excited little giggle from deep inside me. He makes me ache. I want to see him right now. He’s probably still in bed. I want to touch his warm, sleepy skin, and kiss him again.

  I have homework and am sitting down to do it by ten. My mind wanders. I check my phone. Sierra hasn’t shown her face. I wouldn’t have thought she’d leave me hanging this long. Callum’s concern swirls inside me but settles. I’ll bet she knows I’m furious and she wants to wait for me to calm down before calling. Then she’ll have some elaborate story ready about why
she didn’t show and why she couldn’t ring. It won’t be her fault. Nothing ever is.

  Still, I try her phone for the thousandth time. Straight to voicemail.

  Next I try Riley. She answers straightaway.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hey.’

  ‘Any news?’

  I have so much news, but I decide not to tell her about Callum yet. I need to see him again to see what’s going to happen. Suddenly I feel all nervous and shy again. What if Callum regrets it? What if he did come over to see Sierra yesterday, but for whatever random reason decided to get with me anyway?

  ‘Nope. You?’

  ‘Nope. She’s not going to call me, though, is she?’

  ‘Callum’s kind of worried –’

  ‘Yeah, but he’s got the hots for her so of course he’s going to think his precious Sierra would never run off with a guy and screw over her friends in the process.’

  My stomach turns and heaviness settles in my chest. Even Riley can see Callum likes Sierra. I shouldn’t have let anything happen. I’m so stupid. Of course he only hooked up with me because I was there and Sierra wasn’t. I’m shocked at how much I want to be with him, how much I want him to want me.

  ‘Hmm,’ I say, pulling myself back to the conversation. ‘I guess I’m starting to get a bit worried –’

  ‘Well, she’s got you wrapped around her little finger, too. You always defend her; you always believe everything she says. God knows why – she’s gotten you into trouble that many times it’s not funny and you always let her get away with it. Seriously, Tay, you need to stop.’

  We hang up after a bit. I feel flat. I turn away from my desk and move to the bed. I crawl under the covers, lie on my side, face the window and peer out at the dark clouds moving in. I think it’s going to rain. I pull a pillow to my chest and hug it.

  My phone rings. I spring out of bed and grab it from my desk. It’s Callum. Butterflies start to flutter and I stall before answering.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Tay, how’s it goin’?’ His tone is intimate and suggestive. Excitement hits me deep inside. Callum likes me.

  I’m not so smooth. I stammer and stutter before I get a grip. We both laugh.

  ‘Sorry. I’m suddenly nervous around you.’ My face is hot. I can’t believe I said that. I sound about ten years old.

  ‘Can I come over?’

  ‘Yes.’ I’m trying to sound sexy but it comes out like I need to cough. Another hot flush hits my face. I’m glad he can’t see me.

  ‘Give me ten.’

  Ten minutes. I fly out of bed, tie up my hair and dive into the shower. I wash in record speed and then try to find something hot to wear. I try a few things before settling for a short denim skirt and a long-sleeved t-shirt. My boobs look so massive it’s embarrassing, so I throw a white shirt over the top and leave it unbuttoned. I untie my hair, but it’s a mess and too big a job to do in five minutes. I tie it back up and leave it. I’ve just finished using concealer to cover a couple of spots on my chin when Mum calls me from downstairs.

  ‘Taylor! Callum’s here.’

  I give myself the once-over in the full-length mirror, take a deep breath, and walk downstairs. Callum’s sitting at the kitchen bench drinking pineapple juice. Mum’s chatting to him about his soccer game yesterday. When their conversation dies down she leaves, making sure I see her smirk and her raised eyebrows. That damned blushing gene does its thing again, triggering further embarrassment.

  I grab myself a glass, pour myself some juice and go to slide into the seat beside him. He puts his arm around my waist and pulls me close. He kisses me, long and passionately. I can’t believe how forward he’s being. I fall into it. I love his confidence. We break apart, but remain close.

  ‘Have you heard from Sierra?’ he asks.

  Disappointment falls heavy through my shoulders. Riley’s words crash through my brain and my anger at Sierra flares up again.

  I shake my head.

  ‘You’re going to have to say something. It’s been too long.’

  ‘She’s done it before, though. I told you – she did it that time with Matt –’

  ‘She snuck off for one night. Riley should let it go.’

  ‘Riley could have been in big trouble over that.’

  ‘But she wasn’t, was she? Riley’s just jealous of her, so she looks for things to criticise. She’s always putting Sierra down. She’s always been like that.’

  ‘What if I call her mum, tell her the truth, and then Sierra shows up? We’ll all be in trouble for nothing.’

  He shakes his head. ‘Something’s wrong.’

  ‘How can you be sure?’

  ‘Nothing about this makes sense. Even her staying the night. Don’t you think it was a bit sudden?’

  ‘You’ve certainly been putting some thought to it.’ I bite at the inside of my mouth.

  ‘Yeah, of course. I think something’s wrong.’

  ‘And what if it’s not? What if –’

  He cuts me off. ‘What if she’s been kidnapped and you’ve kept it secret and given some psycho two days to run?’

  ‘You know what? This was a bad idea. You and me should never have happened. You’re obviously still keen on Sierra.’ I can’t believe I said it, but now I have to run with it.

  ‘What? What are you talking about? I’ve never liked Sierra – not like that.’

  ‘That’s even worse. Why would you kiss her? Be honest with yourself. If Sierra hadn’t run off with Jacob, you’d still be chasing her.’

  ‘I didn’t kiss Sierra.’

  Oh god. I can’t tell if he’s lying, but I can’t back down now I’ve said it.

  He continues. ‘Taylor, if you believe those ridiculous rumours then you’re right. This was a bad idea.’ He holds my gaze but I stare him down, fold my arms across my chest and hope he can’t see the hurt. He shakes his head. ‘I didn’t think you were like that.’

  He turns away and leaves without saying goodbye.

  I didn’t think you were like that … What does that mean? Jealous and bitchy like Riley is sometimes? That’s how I feel. I turn and almost walk into Mum.

  I startle. How much did she hear?

  ‘Where’s Callum gone off to?’

  ‘He had to go. I’ll see him tomorrow.’

  Dark thoughts swirl in my mind as I walk to my bedroom. He’s right. I am jealous of Sierra. I’d die to look like her, be like her, sing, travel and ski like her. I wanted Jacob to like me. I wanted to be the one meeting him in the city. I accused Callum of being hung up on Sierra, but it’s me who’s hung up on her. I hate where my thoughts are taking me.

  The phone rings. I answer without thinking.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hi, Taylor, how are you?’ It’s Rachel. She’s caught me off guard.

  ‘Ah, good thanks.’

  ‘I’m about to step out, I just wanted to speak to Sierra before I go.’

  ‘Um, Sierra? She’s not here,’ I say.

  ‘What? What do you mean she’s not there? Isn’t she staying with you this weekend?’

  ‘No. I haven’t seen her since school on Friday.’

  ‘Did she mention anything about where she might have gone?’

  ‘We all went to Riley’s place for pizza. She didn’t come,’ I say.

  ‘Did you see her leave school with anyone?’

  ‘No. I left with Riley, Joel and Callum.’

  ‘She must have said something about what she was doing.’

  ‘No. Nothing. I thought she was going home.’

  ‘Damn it,’ she says to herself. ‘Thank you, Taylor.’ There’s a shake to her voice. ‘Wait until I catch up with her.’

  As I hang up the phone, a heavy cloud settles over me. Lying to Rachel brings instant clarity to how much trouble I’m in. I didn’t go with Sierra on Friday night. I didn’t tell Rachel when she didn’t return. I still haven’t told Rachel she’s missing. But these aren’t my most troubling thoughts. What if something has happen
ed to Sierra?

  Callum is right. If Sierra could be back, she would be. She wouldn’t leave it this long. I know she pulled an all-night stunt that other time with Matt, but she was back the next day. This is too long. Sierra should definitely be back by now.

  SEVEN

  I pace back and forth in my room. I check my emails, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, then my text messages in case, for some strange reason, I didn’t get an alert when one came through. I check my ring-tone volume and signal bars. I stand at my window, drum my fingers on the sill and scan the street. Nothing.

  Nervous energy zings inside me, making it impossible for me to sit down. It’s been two days. Sierra called Friday night and promised she’d be home Saturday morning. What if something has happened? She could have been grabbed on her way home. What if she’s lying in the bushes near the train station? What if she took drugs with Jacob and she overdosed and he freaked and left her somewhere and she hasn’t yet been discovered?

  I rein in my imagination. These are all very unlikely situations.

  I call Riley.

  ‘I’m freaking out, Riley. Something’s happened to Sierra. I’ve just lied to Rachel.’ I burst into tears.

  ‘What? Are you insane? Have you been with Callum? He called a few minutes ago; he wants to go to the police. Maybe you and he should get together – you can feed off each other’s drama.’

  ‘Riley, I’m going to say something now. I wanted to let you know I was doing it. I’m going to tell Mum everything right now.’

  I hang up before she loses it – or I do – and ring Callum.

  ‘You’re right,’ I say. ‘I’m going to tell Mum and Rachel about Sierra. Something’s wrong.’

  Saying it is like confirmation that something has actually happened, and more tears flood my eyes and run down my cheeks.

  ‘I’ll come over. Wait until I get there.’

  I hang up, but I can’t wait. I wipe the tears from my face and find Mum at the clothesline.