Risk

by Fleur Ferris

  ‘Will I get it back?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes. You will get everything back.’

  My deepest thoughts, at my most troubled time, are placed into a clear bag, labelled and tossed into the pile.

  Once the detectives have been through every single thing I own, they thank us and leave. We follow them downstairs. When the door closes behind them, Mum and I go into the kitchen. Mum sits down at the table gingerly, as if she’s injured. No words pass between us. We are done with talking.

  Mum finally breaks the silence and speaks.

  ‘It could have been you …’ Tears trickle down her face. ‘I don’t think I could have gone on living …’

  I swallow hard. She was distraught when Dad died, but she never said she didn’t want to live. She said she wanted to be here for me, to see me grow up. She’s arranged her life so she can be totally involved in mine. I feel so reckless, so careless, putting her through this after what she’s already been through.

  Mum takes a deep shaky breath. ‘It seems self-indulgent to be upset about what could have been when Rachel is living with what is.’ A fresh sob escapes her. ‘I feel so callous being thankful it wasn’t you.’

  I know what she’s trying to say.

  ‘We’ll just have to keep hoping, keep praying that Sierra is found safe,’ Mum continues.

  ‘Of course she’s safe,’ I say. From my voice, though, no one would believe I think it.

  ‘Of course,’ Mum repeats. ‘It’s in the papers all the time – kids running away then returning to their family days later.’

  I nod.

  We sit in silence. It seems we’ve run out of words again. Mum gets up and goes into the lounge room. I don’t know what to do. I go into my bedroom. It feels dirty. I have no phone, laptop or tablet. The house is dead quiet. I walk across the hallway and lie on Mum’s bed. Light rain drizzles down the window. I turn away and stare at the wall.

  EIGHT

  Mum’s face is ashen when she hangs up the phone. Her eyes are bloodshot and she slowly rotates her shoulders as if she’s stiff.

  ‘Any news?’ I ask.

  She shakes her head slowly. No news is bad news, and we both know it.

  ‘I’m going to Rachel’s now. She’s on her own until Dave and Cassy arrive home from the States. They get in later this morning.’

  I nod. ‘I’ll come, too.’ I want to be there when the news comes in.

  Mum shakes her head. ‘Rachel asked if you’d stay away today.’

  The words hit me like a slap in the face.

  ‘She’s very … angry. With everyone.’

  I leave it, lean back into my chair and stare at nothing. The thought of sitting here alone is agonising. ‘Can you ring? With news?’ My voice is breaking.

  Mum nods. ‘Don’t leave the house,’ she instructs. ‘I’ll be home to check on you soon.’ She closes the door behind her.

  It feels weird. It’s a Monday and I should be at school, but I didn’t want to go. At ten o’clock, our home phone rings. I stare at it for a moment, too scared to answer. I pick up the receiver, handling it carefully, as if it’s a bomb that may detonate. I raise it to my ear, close my eyes and wait.

  ‘Hello?’

  My eyes fly open at the sound of Callum’s voice. ‘I thought you were Mum,’ I say.

  ‘I didn’t know if you would be at school. Mum wouldn’t let me go.’

  ‘Can you come over? I’m waiting by the phone. Mum’s with Rachel.’

  ‘I’ll ask.’ I hear some muffled voices. ‘Mum will drive me. She doesn’t want me walking or riding around the streets.’

  We hang up, then I wait for what seems like forever. There’s a knock at the door. I rush for it. Callum is standing there but so are two other people. A microphone is shoved in my face. Cameras flash.

  ‘Are you worried for Sierra’s safety?’

  ‘Taylor, is it true you waited two days before notifying police of Sierra’s disappearance?’

  My mouth drops open. Reporters at my house? How do they know that Sierra’s missing? How do they know my name? How do they know where I live?

  Callum steps forward, blocking them from seeing me. He closes the door in their faces.

  I’m left breathless. The phone rings. I can’t move. Callum sees that I’m not going to answer and he rushes for the phone.

  ‘Hello, Callum speaking.’ He waits. ‘Yes. One sec, Josie. I’ll put her on.’ He holds the phone out. ‘It’s your mum.’

  I take it.

  ‘We have the media here, Taylor,’ Mum says.

  ‘They’re here, too.’ I burst into tears.

  ‘Look, Taylor’, continues Mum, ‘I’ve spoken to Senior Detective Parkinson and he says that the police haven’t done a media release yet. These people are meant to wait for an official media release before reporting anything – but apparently information is often leaked to them before this happens. The police are going to stop them reporting anything to the public.’

  ‘Mum, they just asked me why I took two days to notify the police …’

  ‘Don’t speak to them. Stay inside. I’m on my way.’ She hangs up.

  I turn to Callum.

  ‘It’s my fault? Is that what they think?’

  Callum walks to the window and watches a few more reporters congregate on the footpath. ‘The police have arrived,’ he says. ‘Hey, look at that. They’re making them go away.’ We both get closer to the glass for a better look. ‘Thank god,’ he says.

  ‘How did you go with the detectives?’ I ask, wondering if he told them about us.

  ‘They took everything.’

  ‘Same,’ I say, turning away from the window. ‘This is unreal. Police, media … Have you spoken to Riley or Joel?’

  ‘I’ve spoken to Joel. The police took everything from him – and Riley, too.’ He rubs his face with both hands. ‘I can’t believe this is happening.’

  I hear a car pull into our driveway. That was quick. The doorbell rings. So it’s not Mum …

  ‘Can you believe this?’ Riley starts to rant as soon as I open the door. Joel follows her in. I wave to Riley’s mum and she leaves in the car.

  ‘Oh. My. God. They took everything! My phone, my iPad, and my freaking laptop. I couldn’t even ring you. I have no numbers, nothing. And I don’t even go on the websites they asked about! What a fuss over nothing.’

  Riley has one hand on her hip, and the other is roughly tugging through her hair. I’m taken aback by her lack of concern for Sierra. She looks closely at my face.

  ‘Don’t tell me she’s got you sucked in too? Taylor, come on. Think about it. She’s sitting back somewhere laughing her head off. She loves attention. When she gets back she’ll be right in the spotlight. She’s got everyone running around – the police, the media, her parents, her friends …’

  I hope Riley’s right. My mind has been going to dark places. I’m attracted by her confidence.

  ‘Do you think she ran away?’ I ask.

  ‘She’s orchestrated the whole thing. It’s her five minutes of fame.’

  I start to think of different possibilities. Would Sierra do that? She’s done some pretty crazy things, but this would certainly be her craziest.

  ‘I’m not sure she’d worry her parents like this. She would have told one of us,’ I say. She would have told me, I think.

  ‘She does crave attention,’ Callum says, ‘but no wonder! Bloody hell, her parents are never home. Maybe this is the only way she could make them stop and listen. She’s been babysat her entire life – her parents are always going to those stupid functions of theirs. Maybe this is a cry for help.’ He stands up. ‘Oh, man, I hope it’s something like that.’

  Callum gazes out of the window, one arm across his chest, one hand rubbing his face. A pang of jealousy thumps through me and I instantly feel ashamed of it.

  ‘This is messed up.’ Riley sits down and rests her face in her hands. ‘Look at us,’ she whispers. ‘What if something has happened? Fuck.’


  ‘Riley, stop it,’ Callum says. He stands behind her and places his hands on her shoulders. Joel shifts closer to Riley on the couch. Riley takes a deep breath, leans back and allows the couch to take the weight of her head.

  ‘Oh god, Sierra. Just come home now,’ she says. The change in Riley – her showing concern and doubts about her selfish-Sierra theory – terrifies me.

  I watch Mum’s car turn into our drive. The car idles, the garage door buzzes its way up and Mum drives in. My stomach starts to flutter. No one speaks. We all watch the door she is going to walk through. It opens. There’s no joy written on her face. Mum’s usually neat, cropped hair is a huge mess. Her hands must have ploughed through it a thousand times. It’s what she does when she’s stressed. Dark circles sit heavy around her bloodshot eyes. We wait. Callum is wringing his hands. Riley’s holding her breath. Joel stares at the floor, making no eye contact with anyone.

  My anxiety has moved from my stomach to my chest.

  ‘I have no good news,’ Mum tells us straight up. ‘There’s still no sign of Sierra. The police say they have “grave concerns” for her welfare. I’m sorry I don’t have something better to tell you.’

  Panic rises inside me. My eyes dart around to everyone in the room. No one is connecting. Everyone is focusing on the floor, their bottom lips quivering, their voices lost in their shock.

  ‘They don’t know, though, do they?’ I say, way too loudly. I bring the volume down. ‘I mean, she could have run off with Jacob.’

  ‘How can you be so stupid?’ Mum’s breath quickens. ‘His name is not Jacob Jones. He used a false name. The police checked it out. She was groomed by a paedophile, Taylor. And so were you.’ Her voice shakes.

  ‘But he had an email address.’ I know I sound naive, but I know they can track email addresses.

  ‘His email address is untraceable.’ Her eyes are haunted. It’s exhaustion from being up all night, thinking that it could have been me, and then feeling guilty for being glad it wasn’t.

  I walk over and put my arms around her. It’s as though my touch makes her crack. She holds me so tightly I can hardly breathe and sobs loudly into my neck. I can’t see the others, but I imagine they probably want to go home right now. Mum and I are comfortable with this sort of display. We’ve done it a thousand times over. We know how to do grief. We went through it when Dad died … But then, this is different. Something black is inside me, lurking just out of reach. I can’t quite grasp it, but it’s there, heavy, filling every crevice as I move. I push the feeling away and when Mum’s crying subsides, I break away from her.

  ‘You need to lie down,’ I say. ‘You’re exhausted.’

  She wipes tears from her face and looks at the others. ‘How’s everyone here doing?’

  I can see that no one wants to answer. There’s an uncomfortable pause.

  ‘We’re just hoping she’s run away with this guy, whoever he is, and that she’ll return in one piece,’ Callum says.

  Riley says nothing, and Joel isn’t a big talker around parents at the best of times.

  Mum looks at Callum and then at the others. She purses her lips and starts twisting her hands.

  ‘The police took some face shots from the security cameras in the mall. The guy was wearing a baseball cap, so apparently it was difficult to see his face most of the time, but at least they have something to work with.’

  ‘Do they know who he is?’ Callum asks.

  ‘The police were sketchy with specific details and I was just listening in, so I can’t say for sure. I heard a detective talking about cases that involve internet stalkers – he called them Vapour Cases, I guess because … because the offender disappears without leaving a trace. I’m sorry, guys, but really, I think that unless this guy has slipped up somewhere else, like being filmed at other places wearing the same clothes so they can track him, I … I think it’s going to be hard for the police to find him.’

  NINE

  As soon as Mum goes upstairs to bed, I hold my arms across my stomach and pace along the windows. A few journalists are back on the footpath. I can’t believe they’re so persistent, even after the police told them to go away! Don’t they know that if they report the wrong thing, they could mess up the police investigation?

  ‘Can anyone get a computer?’ I ask the group. ‘Mum’s got one, but it’s at the shop getting fixed.’

  ‘When will we get ours back?’ Riley’s mood keeps fluctuating. Right now, she’s angry at Sierra for staging a disappearance for five minutes of fame, and she’s annoyed that the police took everything. I shake my head in disgust.

  ‘What do you want one for?’ Joel asks me.

  ‘I don’t know. To find out information, search online for clues, see if Sierra’s left any messages, look for Jacob Jones … I don’t know. Something. Sitting around, waiting and wondering where Sierra is … It’s making me feel sick.’

  I turn on the TV and search for the news. There’s nothing. I leave it on. I tap my arm with my fingers, sit down, then stand up again and pace the room. I stop and stare out the window. I half-expect to see Sierra skipping up the driveway, her hair swishing side to side, singing a Taylor Wolfe song. I just can’t believe that she’s actually missing. It’s been three days since we heard from her … Is that too long? Or might she return any moment now, with some fabulous explanation of where she went, and resume her life unscathed?

  I need to feel that it could be true.

  ‘Let’s think of reasons why she hasn’t returned,’ I say. ‘I’ll go first.’ I take a deep breath. ‘Okay. She met Jacob Jones on Friday night, instantly fell in love and decided that she couldn’t possibly leave him. One night turned into two, and then three, and she is on a tram home right now, turning herself inside out, knowing she’s in big trouble with the entire world, but she doesn’t care because she is totally and utterly in love with her new internet lover.’

  ‘I’m going to kill her when she walks through that door.’ Riley smiles. It’s kind.

  ‘On Friday night,’ Callum begins, ‘she rang us to say she was staying. She then found out that Jacob Jones was a total loser. Seeing him made her realise that she was actually in love with Quinton Othello. She called him and they ran away together.’

  I giggle at the thought of Sierra being in love with Quinton Othello.

  ‘Good ol’ Quint would love that theory,’ Joel says. ‘He’s made a pass at her every day since our first day of high school.’

  ‘Riley, your turn,’ I say.

  She looks to the ceiling and a smile turns up the corners of her mouth.

  ‘On the way home with Jacob Jones, Sierra spotted a giant shoe sale at Devon’s. She dumped JJ and went shopping. The sale was massive. They were just about throwing shoes away. She saw a flat sensible pair. They were red. They were exquisite. She didn’t own flats like that. She reached into the sale bin for them at the same time as the fierce fashionista Lily Baker. They grabbed the same pair. It turned into a huge fight and Lily clocked Sierra over the head with a pair of wedges. Sierra was knocked out. Lily fled with the red flats. Sierra wakes with amnesia. She’s sitting in the hospital right now, sipping lemon cordial, wondering who she is.’

  We all giggle. I can just see Sierra giving the hospital staff hell.

  We all look to Joel. His face is serious. He looks at me.

  ‘I can see what you’re doing, Taylor … But the reality is, something bad has happened. I think Sierra is dead.’

  The words ring in my ears. Sierra is dead. No one speaks. No one moves.

  ‘We’re all thinking it,’ he continues. ‘We all know Sierra would be back by now if she could be.’ His voice cracks. ‘We can make out she’s wild or free-spirited or a selfish bitch or whatever else to try to explain it, but we’re all just trying to avoid the most obvious answer.’

  Riley places her hand on his knee. He takes it and squeezes tight. A chill sends a shudder through my shoulders. I know it’s a possibility, but I’m still not going there.
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br />   The phone rings. My stomach drops.

  ‘Hello?’ My voice is raspy.

  ‘Hello, is that Taylor Gray?’

  ‘Yes.’ My heart pounds.

  ‘It’s Senior Detective Kel Parkinson. Some of your belongings are ready to be returned. Will you be home this afternoon?’

  ‘Yes.’ It’s amazing how uplifted I feel by this news. ‘What about the others’ stuff? Callum, Joel and Riley – they’re all here.’

  ‘Yes, I have their equipment, too. I’ll bring it along.’

  In thirty minutes, Senior Detective Parkinson is at the door. He comes inside. He’s the detective who’s been assigned to Sierra’s case, and we’ve been given his direct number in case we need to contact him. He’s about Mum’s age, tall and fit-looking in his pressed suit and stark shirt. His hair is dark, greying at the sides, neat and short. Everything about him is official and crisp, except for his eyes. He looks like he’s been up all night, but behind the tiredness is compassion and something else. Reservation, perhaps. I can tell immediately that he wants to speak to us about something and nerves flutter through my stomach. Does he have news of Sierra?

  ‘Is your mum home, Taylor?’

  ‘Yes. I’ll go and wake her.’

  I thought he’d say not to, but he doesn’t. I wake Mum and she tells me she’ll be right out.

  ‘Um … Senior Detective Parkinson … Is there any news of Sierra?’ I mumble on my return.

  ‘Or Jacob Jones?’ Callum adds.

  He shakes his head, slowly. His face looks strained. He adjusts his tie.

  ‘Please, call me Kel. I know how worried you must be, but I can’t disclose too much at this stage. I can tell you that Sierra has not yet been found and that the identity of …’ He pauses, swallows and pulls at his tie again. ‘… of any suspects, has not been determined.’ His careful wording of ‘any suspects’ unnerves me and I wonder if he thinks the same as Joel does.

  Mum appears and sits down next to Riley and Joel. On the couch opposite sit Callum and I. Kel kneels down and places a large cardboard box on the floor. He takes off his black suit jacket and lays it over the arm of the couch. He places our phones and computers onto the coffee table and drums the table with his fingers.