An Ideal Wife: A Novel

by Gemma Townley

  “I am sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

  I stared at him. “You came all this way to say that? How did you even know where I was?”

  “I guessed,” Caroline said with a shrug. “Eventually, I mean. We tried your apartment first and then the hospital. Actually, it was Max who said to come here. He gave us the address.”

  “Max?” I felt my heart thud. “You saw Max?”

  “Yes,” Caroline said. “Didn’t we, Eric?”

  Eric nodded sheepishly.

  “How was he?” I asked nervously. “Was he really angry with me?”

  “Angry with you?” Caroline looked at me. “No, not at all. He said to tell you something.”

  “He did?” I asked apprehensively. “What?”

  Caroline frowned. “Oh God, what was it? Eric, can you remember?”

  Eric shook his head.

  “Oh, come on. You must remember!”

  Caroline closed her eyes. “He said … he said …” Then she opened them again. “I remember!” she said triumphantly.

  “So what was it?” I asked, holding my breath.

  “He said he’d tell you himself,” she said happily.

  I sighed. “Great. Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome!” Caroline beamed.

  Eric was looking around the hallway, wide-eyed. “This is your house?” he asked. “It’s got a coat of armor.”

  “Yes, it does,” I said. “So that’s it? Is that what you came all the way down here for? To say you’re sorry?”

  Eric smiled. “Actually,” he said nervously, “I was hoping you’d do me a favor.”

  “A favor? Seriously?” My eyebrows shot up into my forehead. “What is it with people wanting favors today?”

  Eric cleared his throat. “The thing is, I …” He looked over at Caroline, who nodded in encouragement and mouthed something at him. “The thing is, I didn’t mean to be so harsh. I really need this job. And if you tell Chester Rydall I made you cry, and he tells Josh, then I’ll be out of a job, and I need the money.”

  I frowned. “Josh will fire you if he finds out you made me cry? But surely he’ll think you were just being thorough.”

  Eric grimaced uncomfortably. “Josh says the audit should be a pleasurable experience for all concerned. Making people cry doesn’t quite fit with that.”

  I thought for a moment. “Okay, but I didn’t cry because of you. It was more about my own issues,” I said. “However, I wouldn’t say you made the audit pleasurable for me. I mean, you’ve been quite horrible.”

  It felt great being so honest. Eric looked slightly green.

  “I know,” he said miserably. “I didn’t mean to. I just … got a bit carried away with the character.”

  “With the character?” I looked at him closely. “What character?”

  “The auditor character.” Eric’s voice changed suddenly, becoming deeper, more resonant, with a slight Midlands accent. “Look,” he said heavily, “the truth is, I was a car salesman until a few weeks ago.”

  “A car salesman?” I stared at him suspiciously. “What are you talking about?”

  “It’s true.” He shrugged helplessly. “I was making good money, too. I had this great character, Eric the salesman. I had a cheap shiny suit and referred to women as ‘ladies.’ But no one’s buying cars at the moment, so I got laid off; the next day I saw this ad for ethical auditors, and I thought, you know, what the hell?”

  I held up my hand. “Wait,” I ordered. “Let me get this straight. You were a car salesman? You had no auditing experience whatsoever?”

  “None,” Eric said with a sigh. “I met this guy Josh, who said he had this great way of making money. He put me on a two-day training course, and you were my first assignment. I thought it would be good to be tough, you know? I thought it would be more authentic. I’m an actor, you see? That’s my real vocation. The other jobs only pay for acting classes and for food and rent. My ethical auditor was one of my best characters, I thought. I believed in him. It just felt right, him being an arsehole, you know?”

  I didn’t say anything for a while. Then my eyes narrowed. “You have got to be kidding me. Caroline, he’s kidding me, right?”

  “No,” she said, looking at me awkwardly. “He only told me today. He’s really nice actually, Jess.”

  “And I’m going to tweak the character. You know, make him more of a mellow guy,” Eric said seriously. “Still on top of things but less aggressive. I thought maybe a bit like Columbo. The detective?”

  “Columbo.” I nodded, my brain spinning. “Columbo sounds like a good way to go.”

  “The voice should stay, though, right?” he asked. “The whole nasal thing. You believed I was an auditor with that voice, didn’t you?”

  “I guess,” I said.

  Eric sighed in relief. “Great. Okay, look, I’ve got lots to work with here. I know I can make this work. So you won’t tell Chester Rydall? Or Josh? You’ll keep it between us?”

  “Won’t tell Chester Rydall what?” Chester asked, appearing suddenly. Eric’s eyes widened in alarm.

  “Chester,” I said weakly. “You’re not meant to be here. You’re meant to be—”

  “Um, Jess?” Giles said, suddenly appearing at my side and lightly touching my arm.

  “Not now, Giles,” I said quickly.

  “No, you have to listen,” he whispered, tugging at my arm insistently. “It’s your father … Lawrence … Well, he doesn’t want to be in the pantry anymore. He wants to talk to your mum. He’s getting a bit antsy so I had to lock the door.”

  “Oh God,” I said.

  Giles nodded. “Just thought you should know. And Hugh’s not very happy, either. He says he needs to go to the hospital or else he’ll need plastic surgery on his nose. I told him that he’d be fine—he’s got amazing bone structure. In a way, a broken nose could make him even more handsome—you know, in a …” He caught my expression and trailed off. “Not handsome,” he corrected himself. “Not handsome at all. Only in the sense that he’s not ugly, that’s all….”

  “What is going on around here?” Chester asked. “Why does everyone keep whispering and sending me off places?”

  “Nothing! We’re whispering because …” I said, racking my brain for a plausible reason. And then it came to me. “Because we’re planning a surprise party!”

  “A party? Who for?” Chester frowned.

  “You, of course,” I said immediately. “It’s a welcome-home party!”

  Chester’s frown deepened. “But you didn’t know when I was coming back. How could you have been planning a party for today?”

  “Because …” I said, looking at Mum desperately.

  “We didn’t plan it for today, of course,” Mum said, rolling her eyes. “Then you turned up and everything changed.”

  Chester’s eyes lit up. “So that’s why you sent me out on a long stupid walk?”

  “That sounds like a good reason, yes,” I said happily. “And it’s why I need you to go back to the sitting room now. We don’t want you seeing any more party guests, do we?”

  “Eric and Caroline are party guests?” Chester asked, confused again. “I thought you were surprised when you saw them.”

  “Yes,” I said, thinking on my feet. “But it’s a surprise party, remember? Full of surprises. Lots and lots of surprises.”

  “I guess,” Chester said uncertainly.

  “So we’re invited to the party?” Caroline asked excitedly. “Really? Oh, that’s so nice of you. Eric, didn’t I tell you how lovely Jess is?”

  “Okay, then.” I clapped my hands together. “That’s all set, then. Chester, you go to the sitting room and … Mum, I need to talk to you. And Helen. And Giles.”

  “Guess I’ll go on my own,” Chester said. “Unless you two would care to join me?”

  Eric immediately resumed his nasal twang. “Yes, sir. I’d be delighted, sir. And I’m very sorry about the mix-up. I really am.”

  “A
party?” Mum said when she’d finally closed the door on them all. “We’re having a party now?”

  “Don’t use that tone of voice with me,” I said indignantly, my mind whirring. “Dad is in the pantry getting agitated, and Hugh Barter has a bloody nose—”

  Mum’s eyes widened. “Did you find out why he’s here?”

  “Long story,” I sighed. “The important thing is that we get rid of Dad and hide the trunk, because the Russians are here.”

  “Where?” Mum asked worriedly, looking around as though they might pop out from behind the curtains.

  “I saw their Hummer on the road,” I said ominously.

  “Well, we shouldn’t hide the trunk in the house, then,” Mum said briskly. “If they know you’re here, they’ll search the house. The best thing is if you take the trunk with Lawrence in your car and dispose of it.”

  “How?” I asked, wrinkling my nose.

  “Chuck it in the river for all I care,” Mum said firmly. “Just get rid of it. And Lawrence.”

  “Fine,” I sighed. “Hel, Giles, would you help me get the trunk into the car? Then we need to figure out how we’re going to convince Dad to leave.”

  “Tell him you need a kidney?” Helen suggested archly.

  “Take him sightseeing?” Giles recommended. “He’s been in America for years, hasn’t he? He’s effectively a tourist. We could take him to the Tower of London.”

  “And lock him up in there,” Mum said.

  I shook my head crossly. “That’s my father you’re talking about,” I said. “Okay, well, we’ll think of something. So, trunk?”

  “Trunk,” Giles and Helen agreed.

  I ran to the door and opened it slightly—there were two men standing there. Immediately I shut it again and turned around, my eyes wide with fear.

  “What?” Mum whispered anxiously. “What is it now?”

  “It’s them,” I gasped. “They’ve found me.”

  “Who?” Helen asked, drawing back the curtains on the window next to the front door to take a little peek.

  “Oh shit,” she said.

  “Who is it?” Mum asked, her voice agitated. “I can’t see.”

  “It’s them,” I said desperately. “It’s the Russians.”

  Chapter 20

  “WHAT DO WE DO? They saw me. They know someone’s here.” I looked from Giles to Mum to Helen. I couldn’t breathe—panic was rising up my throat.

  “I think the important thing is to stay calm,” Helen said, seeming anything but. “You think they followed us?”

  I shook my head. “If they’d followed us, they’d have been here at the same time as us. Which means …” My forehead creased with worry. “They got this address from somewhere. They’re going to find me wherever I go.”

  “Like the Terminator,” Helen said seriously as the doorbell rang.

  I shot her an agitated look. “Hide,” I mouthed, and we all drew back from the window. “What the hell is in the trunk, anyway?” I wailed. “Why did Ivana have to give it to me?”

  “Because she didn’t relish having these men following her around, I should think,” Mum whispered crossly as the doorbell rang again. “I’m going to call the police. It’s the only sensible thing to do.”

  I sighed. Ivana hadn’t returned any of my calls—what else were we supposed to do? “Okay, call them,” I said.

  Mum nodded brusquely, and we all ran down the hallway to the telephone outside the kitchen. She picked up the phone book and started to flick through it.

  “Call ‘999,’” Giles said.

  “That’s for an emergency,” Mum said. “We should call the local police station.”

  “But this is an emergency,” I said. “They’re right outside. They’ve probably got guns.”

  “Yes,” Mum said, “but the local police are closer and will be able to respond more quickly.”

  “No,” Helen added, shaking her head. “They’ve all got radios. If you call 999, they’ll get in touch with the nearest patrol car.”

  Mum considered this for a moment, then sighed. “Very well, I’ll dial 999.” She dialed, then waited a couple of seconds. “Hello?” She looked at us meaningfully. “Police. I would like the police, please.”

  “Esther?” A voice came from the pantry. “Esther? Will you open this door? That crazy friend of Jess’s has locked us in here. Esther? Can you hear me? Open this door. Otherwise I’m going to break it down.”

  Mum grimaced, then shook her head. “He’ll never do it,” she said. “The door’s far too strong. He’s not the athletic type at all.”

  “I heard that,” Dad muttered from inside the pantry.

  Mum chose to ignore him. “Oh, hello? I’m terribly sorry about that. Yes, I want to report a—”

  “Esther? Jess?” It was Chester’s voice. We turned around desperately. “There are two people at the door who say they need to talk with you urgently.”

  “You … you opened the door?” I gasped.

  “That’s usually what you do when someone knocks, isn’t it?”

  This was it. I was going to die. We all were. Horribly. We’d be in the newspapers. Max would read about it…. “So they’re … in the house?” I managed to say. I felt like collapsing on the floor.

  “Yes,” Chester said slowly, “they are in the house. Am I not making sense? And what the hell is that banging?”

  “Banging?” I faltered. “Oh, it’s … it’s—”

  “It’s part of the surprise,” Helen said. “It’s for the party.”

  “Yes,” Mum added. “Chester, please go back to the sitting room. You’re really going to ruin everything. If you haven’t already….” I felt her hand grip mine, and I squeezed it. She put the telephone receiver down, then looked at me. “Come on, Jess,” she said stoically. “Let’s go and see what they want.”

  “They want the trunk,” Helen said. “Just give it to them.”

  “What trunk?” Chester asked.

  “That trunk,” Giles said, helpfully pointing to Ivana’s trunk, which was still on the kitchen floor.

  I took a deep breath. “Okay,” I whispered. “I’m ready.”

  Reluctantly, I started to walk toward the front door. I felt like John Wayne, or like Harry Potter facing Voldemort. I would be brave, I told myself. I would look them in the eye and tell them that no one else here had anything to do with the trunk, that I alone was responsible, that …

  I stopped uncertainly. There were two people in the hallway, but they weren’t the Mafia men. One had gold teeth and was holding a baby, for a start.

  “Ivana?” I asked incredulously. “Sean?”

  Sean looked at me grimly. “Is it here?” he asked. “Did she give it to you?”

  “Did she give what to me?” I asked weakly. “Did you see the men who were here a second ago?”

  Sean shook his head. “I didn’t see anyone. Just tell me yes or no, Jess. Is the trunk here?”

  Ivana was glaring at me, her eyes flashing. She was shaking her head only enough for me to see. My face crumpled in confusion. I said uncertainly. “I …”

  “Yes, the trunk is here,” Mum said, stepping forward. “As are the two Russian Mafia men who have been chasing my daughter around ever since you gave it to her. I think you owe us an explanation, Ivana, and an apology.”

  “Russian Mafia?” Sean looked at Ivana, bewildered. “You’ve got your clients following her, too?”

  Ivana shook her head. “Of course not,” she said irritably. “I no know what she saying. I give trunk. I think she hide for me. I no realize she no can kip secret.” She folded her arms and shot a severe look in my direction.

  “I can keep a secret,” I said, outraged, as a huge crash made everyone jump. I carried on regardless. I was beyond fear now, beyond normal reactions to anything. “I kept your trunk hidden for you. But two men in a Hummer have been following me around. They’re everywhere I go. And they’re here now. So whatever’s in that trunk, I’d get it a long way away from here if I wer
e you. Because they’ll be back any minute.”

  I realized that no one—not even Ivana—was listening to me; they were all staring at something behind me. I turned slowly to see my father and Hugh, their clothes covered in dust.

  “Not athletic,” Dad said with a snort. “I’ll show you who’s not athletic.”

  “You’re not athletic,” Hugh said irritably. “I broke the door down; you just barked orders. Fat lot of use you were.”

  “Someone had to devise the strategy and implement it,” Dad said indignantly. “Who are you?”

  He was looking at Ivana and Sean, who were looking right back at him.

  “More to the point,” Chester said, staring at Dad, “who are you?” Then Chester turned to me. “And what the hell is Hugh Barter doing here? Is he invited to my surprise party, too?”

  “Um, yes,” I said falteringly. “Yes, he is.”

  “You invited the guy who screwed my company over to my surprise welcome-home party?” Chester asked incredulously. “The guy who tried to ruin Milton Advertising and leaked my corporate secrets to Advertising Weekly?”

  Hugh cleared his throat. “About that,” he said. “I wanted to apologize. You know, set the record straight. I accept that there were misunderstandings, and I regret—”

  “You,” Ivana cut in, looking at Hugh, her eyes hostile. “I heff seen you before.”

  “No,” Hugh said, shaking his head thoughtfully. “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Yes,” she said. “I see you in bar. I see you in photograph. You are man kiss Jessica. You are man bleckmail my friend.”

  “Oh, for the love of God, I didn’t blackmail her,” Hugh said, rolling his eyes. “You lot are so melodramatic. I just begged a few favors, that’s all, and …” He trailed off as Ivana stalked toward him, slowly, deliberately. “I’m sorry,” he stammered as she approached him. “I didn’t mean to … I really didn’t … Ow. Fuck. Damn it.” With one fell swoop, Ivana had floored him.

  “Who is this girl?” Chester asked, looking at her in surprise. “She’s amazing.”

  “My bloody nose,” Hugh moaned. “My poor bloody nose.”

  “Next time will be more than nose that hurts,” Ivana said darkly.