The Nine Fold Heaven

by Mingmei Yip

  How would one go about entering the convent? Would God also require a bribe? And if so, with what? Chinese burn paper money at funerals to bribe the King of Hell to let the deceased pass easily through the Ghosts’ Gate. But I could not imagine that the Christian God would accept such an offering. What about the bishop?

  I worked my way down to the bottom drawer, which was labeled only with a simple cross. I guessed that this was the place of repose for the files of the dead. Thumbing through the alphabet it took me only a few minutes to find the file of Julie Lewinsky.

  My heart beat fast as I held the flashlight closer so I could better read. The first page gave Lewinsky’s name, age, nationality, place of birth, date of birth, and death. The second page was a report on her entering the convent:

  Julie Lewinsky, a widow whose husband was killed in a construction accident in Shanghai’s French Concession, came to live in Sacred Heart Convent on November 9. She brought along her adopted baby son, Anton Lewinsky, four months old.

  Miss Lewinsky had been diagnosed with advanced liver cancer and told she had only three months to live. She expressed her devout wish to be cared for here in the hands of our Lord, to spend her final days in repentance. And that the baby would be cared for by our sisters and then placed in a good Catholic home. As an expression of her sincere piety, Miss Lewinsky donated a large sum of money to our church for the Lord’s work.

  Julie Lewinsky did not reveal the names of the real parents of her adopted Chinese baby. She said that the baby’s mother died in childbirth and she did not know who the father was.

  Lewinsky passed away peacefully two months after she came here, having received baptism and final rites from Father Ricci. She was buried in consecrated ground with prayers for the salvation of her immortal soul.

  The adopted infant was placed for adoption with an American family well respected in our community. They had been unable to conceive after many years of marriage. However, the new parents moved after the adoption and Sacred Heart has been unable to locate them, despite searching the registers of all the nearby districts.

  We must place our trust in the Lord to take care of baby Anton Lewinsky—

  Just then I was startled to hear the telephone ring, jolting me back to the present. It kept ringing, but before I had a chance to decide what to do, footsteps were approaching. I quickly slipped the file back into the drawer, then hid myself inside the storage room next to the cabinet.

  Just after I turned off my flashlight and pulled the door closed, I heard someone enter and switch on the light. Through a small crack in the door panel, I saw that it was the abbess. She was wearing a loose white gown with her sullen-looking hair imprisoned under a mesh. My heart beat fast like Lewinsky’s metronome set at presto pace.

  Who would call in the middle of the night to wake up the virginal, formidable, and now sleep-deprived abbess?

  She sat down regally, picked up the phone, and spoke in a groggy yet authoritative alto voice. “Hello? Yes?”

  Suddenly her tone lost its clam and turned theatrical. “What? Oh, how terrible! Who is he? You mean you called me about a gangster? So he’s injured, someone stabbed him or shot him? Just take him to the hospital! Sacred Heart is a convent, and we sisters care for God-fearing folk. But you have been generous with us so we will pray to our Almighty Lord for his recovery. Remember, we are sisters, not doctors…. Don’t worry, I ‘ll pray.”

  The abbess hung up, then exclaimed, “Tough luck for him! But better not wake me up again in the middle of the night because of some common criminal! Doesn’t everyone know that I need all the sleep I can get to run this place?!”

  She abruptly stood up, walked past me, flicked off the light, and closed the door with a bang. A hot nun—at least her temper. I waited till the sound of her slippers had vanished down the hall before I stepped out from the closet.

  I snatched back Lewinsky’s file from the cabinet drawer and pulled out as many of the pages as I could grasp. Then I heard another sound. Was the hot nun coming back for something to cool her down? But this time I knew not to overstay my non-welcome. I quickly stuffed what was left of the file back in the drawer, left the room, dashed down the stairs, and hurried out the back door into the cool air of Joffre Avenue.

  On my way back to the hotel, I kept trying to figure out the phone call. It seemed to be that the injured person was a gangster of some sort. But Mary Stone never said his name. Of course, there were hundreds of gangsters in Shanghai, but I couldn’t help but fear that it was my lover Gao. I still had no idea if the gunshots I’d heard at Wang’s banquet were fired by him or at him. Whoever it was, the abbess would not allow him to come to the convent where he could heal, safe from attacks by his fellow criminals.

  Back to the safety of the hotel room, I exclaimed, “Damn!” “What’s wrong?” Jinying came up to kiss me as he cast me a worried look.

  I told him about the phone call and that I lost the chance to finish reading Lewinsky’s entire file.

  I muttered, “I’m thinking if I should go back…”

  “Why didn’t you just take the whole thing?”

  “Because then they know it’s missing.”

  “So what? You think they’ll look at those files after a person is dead?”

  I bit my lip. Jinying was right. How stupid of me!

  With a heavy heart and troubled mind, I picked up the pages I had managed to extract from Lewinsky’s file. Though completely exhausted, I stayed up with Jinying to study them.

  As soon as I started to read, tears filled my eyes. Someone else had our baby but had moved to no one knew where. For the first time, I began to think that our search was truly hopeless. For some time my little Jinjin had not even come to me in my dream to ask after me and to scold me.

  Silently—I had never told Jinying about these dreams—I thought, Jinjin, can you come to your mama one more time to tell her that you’re all right?

  Jinying pulled me to his arms and kissed me. “Camilla, I don’t know what to say to comfort you, but I’m sure little Jinjin is fine somewhere.”

  I looked up at his tired, sunken face. “But where?”

  He said, “Camilla, don’t feel too sad. We try our best to find Jinjin; if we still fail, maybe it’s heaven’s will that we should leave things as they are. I believe his adoptive American parents are now raising him in the US and will give him the best Western education.”

  Did Jinying think this would comfort me? Maybe deep down he was not sure the baby was his.

  After taking a day to recover from my night of breaking and entering, I decided it was time for one last visit to the Compassionate Grace Orphanage where I grew up. I told Jinying of my plan and he was eager to come with me. I told him that if he did, the staff would just bother him for a big donation, so it would be easier if I went by myself.

  My real reason for going back was to visit the little blind singer, as I had promised. As a spy, I had not hesitated to break promises, but somehow I felt a special affinity for the unfortunate girl and was happy to bring a little cheer into her lonely life. I imagined her as my younger self, who’d also been orphaned and was “blind” to the ways of the real world. I wouldn’t say I was seeking redemption, but I wanted to feel that I was actually doing something nice for someone for a change. Actually, I would have liked Jinying’s company, but I thought it would make my farewell meeting with Peiling more complicated.

  29

  Compassionate Grace

  The following afternoon, I took a tricycle rickshaw to Joffre Avenue where Compassionate Grace Orphanage was only a few blocks from Sacred Heart Convent.

  When I got there, I noticed that the flyers that had been posted on the orphanage’s wall were gone. Perhaps the parents who had posted them had finally given up all hope. Or more likely, the orphanage regarded them as an eyesore and had them removed. But there was nothing I could do to help these bereaved parents, It was enough for me to try to find my own Jinjin. So I quickly passed through the gate, then h
urried to the courtyard to look for Peiling, probably for the last time.

  I found her in her little secret garden, seated on a rock, wearing those thick glasses behind which her eyes seemed to be staring at nowhere. But she was not singing to herself, and looked very sad. When she heard the footsteps, her head tilted in my direction.

  “Who’s this?”

  “Peiling, can you guess?”

  “Big Sister!”

  She stood up, dashed to me, and thrust her small body against mine.

  “I knew you’d keep your promise and come back! Can we sing?”

  I caressed her short, crop hair. “I don’t think so, Peiling. I’ve come to say good-bye.”

  Her expression changed from sadness to anger. “Good-bye? Why?”

  I didn’t know how to respond, so when she asked again, her tone was not angry, but urgent and desperate. “So, Big Sister, you’re not coming again?”

  I lied. “Maybe, but I really don’t know when.”

  “You can if you really want to.”

  Yes, if life were really that simple.

  To distract her, I asked, “Peiling, you looked so sad when I saw you sitting there. What’s wrong?”

  “I heard that someone is going to take Baobao away.”

  “You mean the baby you take care of? I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened?”

  “I heard that another couple wants to adopt him.”

  “I am surprised,” I told her. Usually no one wants the children who are left here.

  “I overheard a couple talking about him. They found a birthmark hidden behind his ear and took it as a lucky sign.”

  This bit of superstitious nonsense pricked my curiosity. “What does the birthmark look like?”

  “They said it’s lucky because it’s red and looks like smiling lips. But some of the staff think it’s unlucky because it looks like a capsized boat smeared with blood. That’s why they let me take care of him—they are afraid that he is bad luck. What do you think, Big Sister?”

  “I am sure he is a very lucky baby—he’s had you to look after him.“

  Before I finished, Peiling was already walking away. “Please wait here, Big Sister.”

  In less than five minutes she returned, holding the baby Chinese-style behind her back.

  I asked, “Can I see his birthmark?”

  Peiling didn’t respond at once but took something out from beneath her thin jacket. It was a bottle of milk.

  “Big Sister, let me feed Baobao first, he’s hungry.”

  I was amazed that this little girl was so responsible.

  She cradled Baobao in the nook of her arm and gently put the bottle’s nipple inside his mouth. The baby began to suck like there was no tomorrow. My heart melted at the sight. Did I suck like this at my mother’s breast? Then I thought, did my little Jinjin have full breasts to suckle?

  “You know, Big Sister, Baobao is hungry all the time. Director Chen assigned me to care for him because the orphanage is understaffed, so she’s happy that I can help.”

  This surprised me. “Peiling, forgive me if I hurt your feelings by asking again. There are many orphans your age here, why did Director Chen assign you to care for him? She’s not concerned that it’s dangerous for a blind girl to care for a baby?”

  Peiling’s reaction surprised me. “But you’re wrong, Big Sister! It’s just the opposite. Because I’m blind I’ve been much more careful with Baobao than the others. Also, I still have a little vision left in my right eye, enough to see shadows.”

  I remained silent and she went on. “One time I overheard Director Chen say to one of the staff that a blind person is much more careful with the baby. But she also said that when Baobao starts to walk and run around, then someone else has to take over my job.” She paused, then spoke again. “But I know that the staff doesn’t want to watch him because of his unlucky birthmark.”

  She shook her head. “But it doesn’t matter now. Baobao will soon be gone.”

  Now the baby, his hunger satisfied, nestled his head on Peiling’s chest and fell asleep.

  “I’m so sorry, Peiling. I’m sure Baobao’s adoptive parents will be very loving and take very good care of him.”

  She shook her head again. “No, they won’t be as good and loving as me.” What confidence from a little blind orphan girl!

  “Big Sister, no one really pays attention to anyone else here. Except on days when the government people or distinguished guests visit.”

  ”Peiling, you love this baby, don’t you?”

  She nodded. “Yes, because I lost my little brother in the car crash with my family. That’s when the broken glasses got into my eyes.”

  “I’m so sorry for you…”

  I could see tears behind her thick glasses. “My father died with my little brother in the crash. My mother was paralyzed, so I took care of her, but she died and now I’m here.”

  Peiling wiped away the tears with the back of her hand, then added proudly, “I’m very good at taking care of people.”

  Just then the baby woke up from his nap. His large eyes stared at me with curiosity. Peiling turned his head to the light to show me the small red birthmark behind his right ear. I really did think it looked like pink lips smiling.

  “So, Big Sister, what do you think?”

  “No question, it’s smiling lips.”

  Peiling smiled. “That’s what I think, even though I can’t see it.”

  I asked, “So when will the couple come to adopt Baobao?”

  “Soon.”

  “You know anything about them?”

  She shook her head. I was thinking if I couldn’t find my Jinjin, maybe I should just take this baby as my own, just as Lewinsky had taken mine.

  But I did not want to pursue this line of thought. So I told Peiling, “All right, I have to leave, take good care of Baobao for me.”

  She stared at me with her nearly sightless eyes, looking completely stunned.

  “Why are you leaving so soon? Aren’t you going to teach me singing?”

  I didn’t reply.

  She went on sharply. “Big Sister, are you afraid of something?”

  My heart skipped a beat. “What makes you think that?”

  “I can tell you’re afraid of being seen. Why?”

  I bit my lip. How did this little girl, though blind, have such sharp perception?

  “Sorry, Peiling, I wish I could stay with you longer, but I’ve really got to go now.”

  She looked crushed, then to my utter surprise, thrust the baby into my arms. “No, you stay and play with me and Baobao!”

  It was the first time I’d held him in my arms. I had to admit that it felt good. But why, I couldn’t explain. Maybe it was the promise of a brighter future or of innocence surviving in this foul world. I planted a kiss on the baby’s forehead and gave him back to Peiling.

  “I must go,” I repeated, suppressing my sadness at leaving this precocious but forlorn girl—and the obliviously happy baby. “And good-bye.”

  I hurried away. Knowing that she could not see the gesture, I put my hands over my ears so I couldn’t hear any crying, either from Peiling or her little treasure.

  Back in my hotel room, I could not keep myself from worrying about Peiling—and Baobao. What about the couple who were adopting him? Would they treat him well, or would he be used as a little beggar on a bridge? Then I began to fear that this might be my Jinjin’s fate.

  Thoughts of babies being mistreated ran through my mind, keeping me from sleeping, my exhausted body flipping and flopping on the bed next to Jinying, who slept soundly through the night.

  When I finally fell asleep, I had a dream of Jinjin.

  But at first he did not acknowledge or speak to me. Instead, he was with Lewinsky as a mother and son duo, making my heart ache that he looked quite content with his doting Russian mother.

  Then my son said to me, his eyes challenging, “Mama Camilla, you think you can be as good a mother to me as my Russian mama?�
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  I tried to suppress my tears. “Of course, Jinjin, but you have to give me the chance to love you.”

  “If you truly love me, then look harder for me! Otherwise, I have to follow Russian Mommy to where she’s going. Bye!”

  “Oh, no, no, please don’t go there, she’s in Hell!”

  Jinying was awakened by my scream. At first he looked groggily startled; then he put his arm gently around me.

  “What’s the matter, Camilla? Something upset you?”

  “I’m okay. Just a bad dream.”

  “Tell me what you dreamt.”

  I blurted out, “Our son, Jinjin. He’s with Madame Lewinsky. He said she’s a better mother than I am. He urged me to try harder to find him. If not, he’ll leave with his Russian mommy.”

  I looked at Jinying through my teary eyes. “Jinying, how could I be a bad mother if I was never given the chance to even see my baby, let alone care for him?”

  Jinying spoke in a soothing voice. “It’s just a dream, Camilla.” He stroked my cheek, then spoke again. “Hmm… it must be a sign that we shouldn’t leave Shanghai but continue to look for Jinjin.”

  “But how, since he’s already been adopted? We have no idea who that couple is or anything about them. For all we know, they are American and have already left for home with our baby.”

  “Maybe, but probably he’s still here. Your dream is to tell us there’s still hope.” He sat up, paused to think, then exclaimed, “I know! We’ll hire a detective to find our baby!”

  “Jinying, what a good idea!”

  “It’s never too late as long as Jinjin is still alive. Let’s go back to sleep. In the morning I’ll go look for a detective. We’ll find our son.”

  “How are you so sure?”

  But he’d already fallen back asleep.

  The following morning over breakfast, Jinying and I looked through all the newspapers for advertisements posted by detectives. We circled five as possibilities.

  “Camilla, you need to rest today. I’ll go talk to them so we can decide which one.”