Hey, sorry I’ve not been in touch for a few days. How’re things with Alex?
I fired a message off to Sawyer. It would have been easier to talk to her, even though she still thought I was crazy.
Good. He’s taking me to Paris in a few weeks. How’s little Finn?
Sleeping. He’s perfect when he sleeps. You’ve not been around lately.
I will. Soon.
Okay. Have fun in Paris x
Sawyer’s relationship with Alex Wiseman had turned into a full-blown position as his mistress, and from what I could tell; she loved it. She’d taken a dim view of my decision to keep the baby and raise Finn on my own. Her tongue had been especially vicious during that fight. I didn’t know what her problem was, but I didn’t have time for her drama—not now.
The soft gurgle and short cry echoed in the apartment. Somebody was awake—so much for Belle’s prediction. Finn’s short little cries were just the warm-up act. It was amazing that I could understand the difference—if he was hungry or upset. And this slow wind-up gave me a few minutes to get his latest bottle ready.
I left him kicking at his blanket as I went to business with the warming and the testing before collecting him. His little lungs were now testing their capacity and expanding on yesterday’s efforts. As soon as I cuddled him to me in my reclining chair in the office, he calmed. He knew what was coming next. He was a hungry baby, according to the midwife, but apart from demanding food, he was good.
At least that’s what Belle and the midwife kept telling me. How would I know what good or bad meant? I hadn’t been around a baby since my brother, and I was three at the time.
“Hey, little man. Is that better? You can calm your wailing now.”
I pushed my foot on the floor and rocked gently back and forth. His eyes, riveted on me and not budging, looked more like Leo’s every day, and at times like this, so close and personal to Finn, the secret I held was a physical ache in my chest.
Whatever decision I made next, it would be life changing. And it wasn’t just my feelings to consider now. What if Leo didn’t want to be involved? I’d have to explain that to Finn one day. But then, how would Finn react when he found out that I’d never told his father about him?
My own locked box of secrets had trapped me, and it was getting harder and harder to put off what was now feeling like an inevitability. Belle was right, and I’d been toying with the thought of speaking to Leo a few times, usually late at night as I held Finn before putting him back to sleep. Holding him made me feel closer to Leo, and it pulled the guilt right to the surface.
I knew I needed to talk to Leo. Tell him the truth and face the consequences.
“Are you sure you want me to come with you?” Belle asked again as we went over the plan.
“Of course. I can’t leave Finn with anyone else. And I can’t just show up out of the blue with his son in my arms. That’s never going to work. Look, this way, I can talk to Leo properly before introducing him. I can bring him back to the hotel to meet him if it goes well. We can talk about any further steps after that.” I couldn’t think past the first hurdle.
Having made the decision to tell Leo, I’d put a plan together that at least made some sense. But I’d been down this path before, and preparing myself for all eventualities didn’t work. At least not when Leo was concerned. So I tried not to think through the possible outcomes—an impossibility at times.
“Okay. Well, we’ll have to figure a time I can get off work. Do you even know how to contact him?”
“Well, I thought I could call him. But I also thought you could ask Matthew where he worked?”
“Turning up out of the blue didn’t work out so well last time, Astrid,” Belle warned.
“Which is why we don’t this time. And it will be during the day, where he works. Will you ask?”
She nodded.
“Great. So, as soon as you have a run of nights off, will you text me? We’ll plan this around you.” I swept my hair from my eyes as I busied myself checking out the hotel we’d stayed in last time to look at reservations.
“It will be fine.” Belle grabbed her coat and headed to the door. “I’ll ask tonight and text you, okay. It won’t be the weekend though. Early next week?”
It was my time to nod. This was all happening so fast. I stood and paced, but as soon as I did, Finn stirred in his Moses basket beside me. He’d outgrow it soon—he was growing so fast. He’d just drifted off, so I froze and tiptoed to the office. I wiggled my mouse and brought my computer to life. I had to re-name it after Finn arrived—it didn’t quite have the same effect now I was actually a mother.
I’d resisted doing anything remotely mother or baby-ish in the publication, but I’d finally relented and put in a piece about a new sustainable clothing line specifically for infants. Their pieces were gorgeous.
Half an hour later, Finn was still sleeping, and I’d managed to finish the next page plan. Belle had messaged to say she was free next Monday night, which meant Monday was the day.
Monday I’d tell Leo about his son.
22
Leo
Symon’s class was a monster. I was dead. He’d asked if I could trial some of his new combinations of exercises to push the stamina level for some of his clients, and I’d agreed. I’d never been in better shape, even when I was fighting regularly, but Symon was the devil.
The difference now was that it wasn’t just all lifting weights and keeping my muscle mass up. Putting in long hours, the increased stress of running a business, and my own classes and clients meant I was burning on empty. My lungs tried to heave in the oxygen my body was screaming for. I should have been able to deal with this shit.
“Good job, man.” Symon offered his hand and pulled me from my position—collapsed on the mats. “It was meant to be tough. I’ve got a few guys who are looking to switch over to a professional scene and are looking for some better training. I told them you’d be able to handle the MMA stuff. They’ll be starting next week. I’ll make sure they book in with you.”
“Thanks, man. Sounds good.” This was what I had hoped would happen. Our mix of classes would work in our favour—clients coming for both of them, and we both benefitted.
I’d been thinking about slots for another trainer who’d contacted me. She had an impressive resumé in martial arts and wanted to offer a combination of classes specifically for women. If she could fit around what Symon and I already had committed, it would certainly be a pull.
“If you’re done, I’ll get sorted here. I’ve got some errands to run before later. See you Wednesday?”
“You’ve got it.” Symon left, and I took a few more deep breaths, my heart finally slowed to a fast pace, but I no longer worried it would explode from my chest.
I had a few hours before my next training session later that evening, an awkward time frame that you couldn’t do anything productive in like make it home for a proper dinner. God, it was hard to try and eat right, cover all the bases, and run the business.
I kept a bag in the back storeroom for a change of gear, so I pulled the sweat-drenched shirt over my head and replaced it with a fresh one. The shower would have to wait until later on. It would be the top of the list to install when we could.
As I walked back across the mats, I saw a girl through the glass door—short, choppy blonde hair. Her silhouette alone stopped me dead in my tracks.
Astrid.
She looked around the small reception area until she turned to face the glass door and spotted me.
We stood there for a moment—or it could have been forever—staring at each other. My heart took another pounding just from seeing her. That instant attraction kicked up immediately as if it hadn’t been over a year since our last contact.
It was so weird, we’d barely been ‘together’, yet I’d missed her. I hadn’t realised how much until just then. My legs ate up the ground between us, and I met her at the door and closed it behind me.
“Hi,” I said as my eye
s scanned every inch of her. Gone was the vivid colour through her hair. It had faded to a softer tone, like a rose, bleached from too much sun. But she was still just as fucking beautiful.
“Hi.” She looked up and met my eyes as if checking for something.
My skin burned with the desire to pull her into me and kiss her. It didn’t matter about how things ended between us, or the lack of messages over the months. Nothing mattered because she was standing in front of me now, looking so perfect my heart ached in my chest again as if screaming for me to take notice and not give her up again.
“This is a nice surprise. What brings you to my neck of the woods.” I forced the words out past all the things I wanted to say instead, like ‘I miss you’, and sat on the edge of my desk.
“Oh, you know.” She toyed with the edge of her sleeve and looked a little anxious.
“Is everything okay?”
“Sure. Have you got time to grab a drink? It would be nice if we could catch up a little.” She smiled at me, but it wasn’t natural. It was forced, and worry started to churn inside my gut.
What was going on? There’s no way she’d show up like this if there weren’t a problem. “Seriously, Astrid. You show up out of the blue…”
“Sorry about that. I thought about calling and letting you know I was coming, but I didn’t want you to tell me you didn’t want to see me.”
“I’d never tell you that.” I looked at her, confused. It hurt that she thought I might react like that.
“We didn’t leave things in the best way.” She fidgeted on the spot, as if uncertain of what was coming next. This wasn’t like her. Astrid was confident and sure of herself, not nervous or anxious.
“I’m pleased to see you, Astrid. Never be worried about that. I wish I’d handled things differently when I left London.” I reached for her hands and held them both still in mine, stroking her skin with my thumbs. “I mean it. But at the time…” I didn’t finish the sentence and say that at the time, I was still messed up. And I hadn’t told Astrid about my past as explanation.
“Do you have some time? It would be nice to catch up,” she repeated, her eyes searching mine again.
“I’ve got a little over an hour before I’ve got a client. But only for ninety minutes. Are you here for long? Where are you staying?” All the questions had started popping into my mind now I’d got over the shock of her standing in front of me.
“I’m staying at a hotel, but going back tomorrow. It’s a flying visit, but I needed to see you. Shall we?” She dropped my hands and headed to the door. “So, this place is yours?”
She waited as I locked up, and we walked down the road until we hit the busier street into town. There was a coffee chain on the corner five minutes away, and I headed there.
“Yeah. Had to find something to keep me busy.” It was the truth, but only the very start of it.
“You didn’t want to go back to being a doorman?”
“I was only doing that job because of my uncle. I needed a job, and my dad put the plan together. But after that night with Sawyer…” I didn’t finish the sentence. We both knew what that night had cost us. “I’ve not spoken to him since.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I get it. Wiseman had influence. It happens all the time. It pushed me to re-evaluate a few things, and I wouldn’t be here now without that.”
“Are you happy?” Her question was a little odd, but hey, we were catching up.
“Um, yeah, I guess. Having a business is hard, but you already know that.”
I opened the door to the coffee shop, and she headed for a quiet sofa near the back. “Do you still like those creamy coffee concoctions?”
“Yeah, thank you.” She beamed. “But make it decaf this time, please.”
“Sure.”
After getting the barista to bring the drinks over, I returned to Astrid. “Okay. I know you didn’t come here to just catch up. You would have phoned. So please, just tell me so I can stop—”
“I’m pregnant.”
What the fuck.
My heart stopped in my chest, as I replayed the two words together.
Astrid.
Pregnant.
I had to grind my teeth together at the thought of some jerk with his hands on her. I’d not been with anyone since Astrid. I told myself it was because I was busy and too focussed on work, but that wasn’t the whole story. I’d fallen for her, and the way things ended between us, well, I hadn’t tried to get over her because I didn’t want to.
A bitter taste coated my tongue. Everything was on track in my life. And then those few words had sent me spinning. And they fucking shouldn’t. Astrid and I weren’t together, but somehow, it felt like she’d just severed anything that was between us permanently.
“I mean, that came out wrong. I was pregnant. Last year.” She shifted forward on the seat and ran her hands through her hair, dropping her head. “Let me start again.” She looked right at me. “I had a baby. A little over four months ago. He’s yours, Leo.”
The words sounded in my head, but for some reason, I couldn’t process them. They were coming out jumbled because Astrid was talking about being pregnant—knowing that would put a pretty big wound in my heart.
“Leo, did you hear me?”
I refocussed on her eyes—those mesmerising eyes.
“Um, yeah. Congratulations, I guess.” Did she want me to be happy for her? She’d had a baby—and it fucking hurt.
Her face scrunched up a little. I wasn’t sure what she’d expected me to say, or why she was telling me now, but this wasn’t what I’d hoped she’d come back to see me for.
“Did you hear me? We have a baby, Leo. You’re a father.”
This time her words started firing all sorts of alarms in my head. “Mine? I have a son?” I clarified for her. Very carefully, because shit…
“Yes.” She nodded and sat back, but her eyes didn’t leave mine.
I took a deep breath and let the news sink in.
A son.
A baby.
She wasn’t pregnant. She was pregnant. It was overwhelming and pretty damn impossible for me to wrap my head around. A baby. But she hadn’t told me. I tilted my head in her direction as the truth of her words sunk in.
“I’ve not heard from you in months. You ignored all of my messages after you came to visit a year ago. And all this time, you’ve been pregnant with my child, and you didn’t think you should tell me?” My voice rose as I put all the information together in my head. “What’s his name? God, Astrid.” I stood, unable to contain the adrenaline now pumping around my body. “I have a son, and I don’t even know his name?” I fisted my hair, the anger and hurt that her words had stirred slowly edging to the surface. My chest thudded as my heart rate raced, and I squeezed my fists, clenching and unclenching again.
“His name is Finn.”
“Finn,” I whispered the name, testing how it felt on my lips. It was a good name, but it wouldn’t have been my choice had I known. Emotion clogged in my throat and knocked me back down. I was caught between wanting to bolt out of here to find him, or stay and scream at her for keeping me in the dark.
“He’s four months old.”
“I want to see him.” It was a demand, not a request. She’d kept me from him for all of this time—she wouldn’t keep me away from him for a day longer.
The startled expression on her face killed me. “Yeah, sure, but maybe we can arrange that tomorrow,” she stuttered out as if she wasn’t expecting me to say what I did.
“Tomorrow?” I questioned feeling like she’d just snatched the most precious thing in the world away from me after giving me a tease.
“You said you had a client to get back to. And I think we should try to talk some more. We’d have more time tomorrow.”
“You bet like hell we’ve got a lot to talk about. What have I ever done to make you think I wouldn’t want to know or be in involved in my own child’s life?” My voice held an edge tha
t I’d not heard in a while, and that was all her fault. I was so fucking mad. I couldn’t see straight.
“You,” she started, then looked around before her voice lowered. “You were fighting in some club ring circuit. Beating up some guy for sport—to earn money. It was violent and not something I wanted for my child.”
I couldn’t believe she’d judged me like that, without even talking to me. “So you assumed, made a decision that I’d be bad news, and kept me from knowing I’d be a father?”
“I did what I thought was best.” Her back stiffened as she said the words, standing by her convictions.
“You should have told me. You should have spoken to me.”
“Well, I didn’t, Leo. Finding out I was pregnant was a bit of a fucking surprise to me too, okay. Look. I’m sorry. I know we need to talk, but I think we both should calm down and wait until tomorrow.”
I shook my head. She was pushing me away, and there was no way I’d let her do that after what she’d just confessed. “How do I know you’re not going to vanish without a trace? Astrid, don’t do this to me. Don’t tell me I have a son, and then vanish.” I grabbed her hands and pulled her to face me. “Please. Don’t.” I searched her eyes for that spark—that connection that I swore ran between us.
From the first time I saw her on the tube, I wanted to be with this woman. And now she was telling me we’d share some sort of future, I was terrified she’d leave, and I’d be lost without her. Everything I’d worked for the past year would be worthless if I couldn’t have a relationship with my son.
“I promise. We’ll still be here tomorrow. We can talk. You can meet Finn.” She squeezed my hands, and for a split second, I thought I felt that spark. She stood, and we walked out of the coffee shop—the coffee forgotten. I knew I was heading in the right direction, but it was hard to remember or recall any details, other than to put one foot in front of the other until I made it back to Mad Gyms.
Blush: A Strangers-to-Lovers Romance Page 17
