“Call me tomorrow morning. We’re staying in a hotel in the city.” She offered a tight smile that didn’t fill me with the reassurance I needed right then.
She walked away, and just like that, my life changed forever.
Again.
23
Astrid
I could hear Finn grizzling from outside of the hotel room. My hands were still shaking with adrenaline from my meeting with Leo, and I couldn’t find the key card for the room in my bag. “Damn it.” I rummaged to the bottom and pulled out the strip of plastic that was stopping me from holding my son and settling him.
As the green light flashed my entry, I burst through the door. Belle was pacing by the window, but I knew he was just hungry. His routine was a little out with the trip. At that moment, all I needed was to have him in my arms. The meeting with Leo had shaken me.
“How did it go?” Belle handed Finn over to me, and I settled the little dude in the crook of my arm. He’d got so big over the last month. It was both the most amazing thing in the world and totally terrifying.
“Well, it was… intense.”
“Was he mad?” Belle dropped to her twin bed and pulled up her feet.
“Yes. I think he’s still in shock. We both are.” I continue the pacing with Finn, and he remained quiet, happy to stare up and watch me.
“How did he look?”
“Belle, he’s, I didn’t come here to—”
“Don’t. You came here to tell the father of your child that he existed. But there was something between you and Leo, and for whatever reasons, you never got together. Not properly. And there is nothing to say that can’t be the start of where you left off.” She pulled her ‘I’m serious’ face, and I got it. The ‘what if’ of Leo and me was very much still there. And he still looked just as good as when we were together. If not better. He seemed more mature, somehow.
I didn’t say anything further. She’d see through any denial I attempted. And at this point, it felt a little pointless. Besides, after his accusations, there was a lot for us to work out. I hadn’t thought about how his reaction to my lie would make me feel. And it upset me.
“What’s the plan for tomorrow?” she asked.
“I told him he could see Finn. Come to the hotel. I think that would be best. We have all of Finn’s stuff here.”
“Just say when, and I can make myself scarce.”
I nodded, a little lost in the midst of possibilities and disappointments.
After getting Finn bathed, fed, and finally down in the bed, I crawled onto the twin bed that Belle was propping herself up on.
“It’s been a big day. I’m proud of you for going through with it.” She put her arm around me and pulled me to her side. She was always the happy, carefree friend who saw the best and brightest in people. Her words weren’t often so serious, and they stirred the raw emotions inside my chest.
“Thank you. He was so shocked. He couldn’t believe what I was telling him at first.” The blank look on his face when he thought I’d told him I was pregnant burned in my mind. He was hurt, and that was before his brain woke up and listened to what I was saying.
“Do you blame him? It’s a bombshell to drop on the guy.”
“I know.” My voice was sad because I was. It wasn’t until now that I could fully see what I’d done. Leo’s concern that I’d just up and vanish was ridiculous, but then, what reason did he have not to think that? He didn’t even know he had a son because I’d chosen not to share.
“Are you nervous? Excited?”
“Not excited. Yes to the nerves, but I’m scared. I know I’ve got to go through with it, but that doesn’t stop me feeling like I need to run to the bathroom every few minutes.”
“You make it sound like you’ve changed your mind.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Well, uncomplicate it.” She pushed me back up and looked me dead in the eye. “Seriously, stop punishing yourself, or Leo. Don’t try and control or plan it. Just let things be and see where they go. You might surprise yourself.”
Belle was right. I’d opened the box, and I couldn’t lock it back up again. It wasn’t fair. I’d made the decision to keep my pregnancy from Leo based solely on what I’d seen that night. Looking back now, I could see that the anxiety over being pregnant and alone in the world had also contributed. It was my mistake. And that decision was on me, and I had to stop hiding from it. I couldn’t outrun this now that Leo knew. And I had to be the grown-up I wasn’t a year ago.
At ten the next morning, I waited in the lobby for Leo. Belle waited with Finn while I began to pace. All the scenarios that I’d dreamt up about telling Leo when I first found out I was pregnant floated to the surface of my mind. That he’d be happy, that he’d be excited, that he’d be pleased. And then the guilt that I’d been able to shut away and ignore all these months seeped free and poisoned any positive and hopeful thoughts I could conjure.
“Morning.” Leo approached while I was locked in my own head. His jacket was damp with the drizzle clogging up the air outside.
“Hi.” I squeezed my fists together and nodded towards the elevators.
“Where’s Finn?” Leo asked
“In the room.”
“Alone?” The shock in his voice was interesting to hear but pretty disappointing.
“As if I’d leave my son alone. Leo, please. He’s with Belle.” I didn’t mean it to come out bitchily.
“Belle knows? Did Matthew?” he asked, and yet more guilt hits.
“I don’t know if she told him. I’ve not seen him in person.”
The air in the elevator grew tense. Any easy conversation that came naturally between us had vanished, but given the circumstances, I couldn’t be surprised—didn’t mean I wasn’t sad about it, though.
We arrived on my floor, and I slid the key into the lock and waited for the green light. I’d never felt so nervous—my tongue wanted to stick to the roof of my mouth, it was so dry. And my heart ached for what Leo must be feeling. I chanced looking back to him. His face was severe, his eyes wary, and I could see the tension in the way he stood.
“Relax, Leo. Finn will know if you’re tense and nervous. Just be yourself. Trust me.”
“Bit of an ask right now, Astrid.” I try not to take his comment to heart, but it was hard. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“It’s okay. Come on.” I pushed open the door and saw Belle hovering.
“I’ll get out of your hair.” She whipped past Leo before either of us could say anything and shut us in the room together.
And then we were alone.
Finn was zonked out on the bed with a fort of pillows around him.
I nodded towards him, and Leo looked at me, as if double-checking. He approached the bed with soft footsteps, mindful of the sleeping bundle. He stopped and just stared down at him.
We were silent, and I let Leo have the time to process.
I slipped past him and went to sit on the edge of Belle’s bed. Leo didn’t move. He was locked in awe at the sight of our little baby boy.
As I thought those words—for the first time—my throat choked with emotion and my eyes started to sting. Hell, no. I couldn’t break down already. I blinked the emotion away and set my gaze on the back of the bathroom door, ignoring everything else.
Finn started to coo, and I guessed, looking at the time, he’d want a feed soon. I stood up and went to turn on the warmer and got his next bottle sorted.
“He’s getting all fidgety. Is he okay?” Leo asked as I heard Finn start to squirm about. When he was awake, he didn’t like being on his own. He was a sociable guy.
“He’s fine for another minute. He’s not going anywhere.”
I carried on with the preparation and got everything ready in perfect timing for Finn’s first real cry.
“Do you want to feed him?” I asked. Finn wouldn’t be so worried about a new person holding him if he had a bottle in his mouth.
“If you show m
e how.” Leo took off his jacket and went to sit in the chair in the corner of the room. I collected an upset Finn and handed him over to Leo.
“Like this, cradle his head.” Leo’s arms were still big enough to fit Finn like he was a newborn—his head cushioned by his bicep—and he supported Finn well.
As soon as he was in the familiar position, he settled, and I put the bottle to his mouth. “Take the bottle. Keep the milk flowing, so he doesn’t swallow the air. He’ll do all the rest.”
Leo’s eyes were fixed on his son’s and as soon as Finn was busy guzzling his milk, Leo’s body sunk back into the seat, adjusting to the new experience. If I’d thought the initial look of Leo staring at his son had got me, it had nothing on this sight. My eyes set to blinking back the tears again.
“He has my eyes, a little darker maybe, but they aren’t yours.” His voice was thick with the same emotion, and it made my heart swell and break a little, too.
“I know. They can still change, so they might lighten more like yours.”
“No freckles, though.”
“No freckles.”
The occasional slurp and splutter peppered the silence in the room.
“He’s so small.” This time it was wonder I heard catch in his voice.
“You should have seen him when he was born. Eight pounds dead on.” As soon as the words were out, I regretted them. I’d prevented Leo from knowing his son and now had to live with that mistake. Seeing Leo again, and witnessing him now with Finn, I knew it had been the wrong call.
But at least I’d realised the mistake and only lost a few months—although it was more Belle’s stubbornness that brought us here. We both owed her for never giving up and not being afraid to tell me that I was wrong.
Leo let Finn finish his bottle, and I picked him up and showed him how to burp him properly.
“Now what?” Leo asked as I held Finn.
“We can go for a walk if it’s stopped raining?” But it looked pretty terrible as I walked to the window. “Maybe not.”
Finn started to squirm in my arms. I pulled back the duvet on the bed and put him on his back. He loved to kick his legs, and I didn’t want to risk him sicking up any of his milk if I put him on his tummy.
Leo watched, and as I grabbed a couple of toys from the change bag, I caught him snapping a few photos on his phone. This could have gone so much worse. Hell, the thought of someone keeping such a secret from me—I’d be furious. But aside from yesterday, Leo seemed only anxious about meeting his son.
I dangled the scrunchy toy at Finn, and he reached up to grab it and pulled it down to his mouth.
“He’s normally awake for a bit before he has another nap this afternoon.”
“He sleeps a lot.”
“Yep. Thankfully. I don’t think I’d have coped if he wasn’t a good sleeper.”
“Is that why you’ve told me? Because you need help?” He looked at me, but there was no judgement or criticism, at least not that I could see.
“In a way. Belle’s never agreed with my decision not to tell you I was pregnant. She’s been a great help, but I guess, it’s hard to juggle everything when there’s not another pair of hands.”
“What about your family? Surely they would help?”
“My mother died a few years ago now. And my father, well. He wasn’t exactly pleased that I was pregnant. He wasn’t going to be winning any father of the year awards, but I didn’t expect him to be so disappointed.” It stung to admit that my family weren’t supportive.
“So, you’ve been on your own?”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
“You should have told me,” Leo snapped and turned away from watching Finn like a hawk.
“I know, and I’m sorry.” I wasn’t sure what else to say.
Guilt wrapped around my heart and squeezed to the point of pain.
“What next?” He looked up at me as if I held all the answers.
“I haven’t got that far. We go back to London later today, but you’re welcome to visit.
“I want to be in his life, Astrid. You can’t just show up with my son,” his arm arched towards where Finn was still happy kicking on his back, “and then disappear again.”
“I’m not disappearing. We need to go home.”
“You can stay with me. I have a spare room,” Leo offered, but I shook my head.
“No. I don’t have any of Finn’s things. Belle needs to get back for work. So do I.”
“So that’s it?”
“No, but I haven’t planned that far ahead. I didn’t know how you’d react. This wasn’t something that we’re going to solve or fix in an afternoon. There’s a lot to talk about.”
Leo turned away from me and went to pick up Finn. “Gently—” I stepped towards them, checking Finn was okay.
“I know!” he snapped. He sat Finn in the crook of his arm and swayed with his legs. His eyes were locked on to his son’s. “I don’t want you to take him away.” His voice sounded so strong as if he’d made up his mind and wanted to show me he was serious.
“I’m not taking him away, Leo. We’re going home.”
“My home is here. My job is here, and my family are here,” Leo stated as if I didn’t already know this.
“And the same is true for me. But in London.”
“So how’s this going to work? You’ve made all the decisions so far. I’d have thought you’d have this one down as well.” He levelled his eyes at me, taunting me.
Panic churned in my stomach as I watched Leo hold Finn, his challenge fresh in my head. He didn’t want to give Finn up, and I could understand that.
“Give him to me.” I reached my arms out and moved towards him.
“He’s fine. Astrid. There’s nothing wrong.” Leo didn’t relinquish his hold, which just agitated me more.
He couldn’t have my son.
“Leo, I’m serious. Give him to me.”
He stared at me, pain and anguish darkened his gaze as he moved Finn in his arms and held him so I could pick him up. “He’s my son, too, Astrid. I’ve held him twice in his entire life. And if you think I’d try and take him from you, then we’ve got a hell of a long way to go.”
“No, I’m sorry,” I started, but Leo stood and grabbed his coat.
“I meant what I said. I want to be in his life. However, that doesn’t involve lying and stealing or forcing you to do something you don’t want to. Just so we’re clear.” He walked towards me and leaned down to kiss Finn’s head. “You might have made all the decisions up until now, but there’s no way I’m letting you dictate to me. I’m his father.”
“Calm down. I’m not dictating.” But I think the words were for my benefit over Leo’s.
“I’m being as calm as I can be, Astrid. If it weren’t for the fact that my son is here, you’d be seeing a very different side to me.” He stood, towering over me. “You had the nerve to assume I wasn’t fit enough to be a father based on my actions. How dare you cast that, and now, a year later, you think I’d come in here and snatch him? Or not even put up a fight for him?”
“Look, I’m sorry. I know we’re both feeling a little raw here.”
“No, Astrid. I’m fucking furious,” his words were said through gritted teeth. “I can’t believe you. I need to leave. But know that I’m walking out on you, and not my son.”
And then he left.
The tears burst free, and I collapsed down onto the bed, clutching Finn to my chest. The more I cried, the more agitated Finn became, and he was screaming in my arms in a matter of minutes.
“Hey, hey, what’s the matter?” Belle came through the door and took Finn from me.
“I, got, scared… Leo had Finn. He didn’t want me to go home.” I sniff-cried through the words.
“Okay,” Belle said as Finn calms in her arms.
“We had… had a… a fight. I took Finn back.”
“Why? You were just in the room?” Belle looked confused at my actions.
“I didn’t w
ant him to take Finn.” I sobbed.
“He’s not going to take him. You’re being hysterical.”
“It’s a mess… Belle. I’ve hurt him. And he wants to be… be in his life. But we’re so far-far away.” I sniffed through the words as the tears continued to drench my cheeks. “I don’t know what to do.”
I looked up to Belle as if she held a solution to this mess. For the first time in my life, I felt utterly lost, with no way through the hurt and pain.
24
Leo
I passed Belle in the lobby of the hotel. I stopped and looked at her, and I saw the sadness in her eyes. I nodded before heading back out into the rain.
The sense of calm and control that I’d mastered since setting my life on a new path had completely spiralled away from me. I raised the collar of my jacket and let the rain simmer my temper.
Astrid had ripped a piece of my heart out when she’d demanded Finn back as if I might run off with him. Hell, I didn’t have the first clue about a baby, thanks to her. Just holding him had made my heart threaten my rib cage with its thumping beat.
The rain did its job on the way back to the car. All I wanted was to go home and try and work out a plan of what the fuck I’d do next, but I had a class in a couple of hours, and my piss-poor mood wouldn’t help.
I headed to Mad Gyms and wrapped my hands, needing to work off some of the worry I was carrying around in my chest.
As set up the bag from the hook in the far corner of the gym, my mind played over everything that had happened in the last couple of years. Pain, helplessness, and regret dominated the memory reel playing in my mind. There were a few highlights along the way: when things were good with Mads, meeting and getting to know Astrid, and lastly, seeing Finn stare up at me.
God, I was a father.
The sheer innocent and beauty of seeing him was like nothing I’d ever felt. It had a physical effect on me I couldn’t explain. It had felt like an abstract concept yesterday, but then when I met him… he was real. This tiny little human, happy to gurgle and kick his legs about like there was nothing to worry about in the world.
Blush: A Strangers-to-Lovers Romance Page 18
