Secret Agent Mummy

by Steve Cole

  “It was mummy-bummy force!” Sam knelt up on the metal lid. “I fear your ASP bit Mumbum in the confusion of the struggle.”

  “And drained a squirt of his life-essence?” Niall couldn’t help but laugh as he looked up at the coughing Cleopatra. “Oh dear. Cleo – your face is looking more like an old bum all the time!”

  “Noooooooo!” screamed the once-beautiful queen as her face sprouted ragged bandages and a big cleft in the middle. “The dog-thing’s life-force . . . is not . . . compatible with this body . . .” She clasped her head. She was now growing patches of fur over her arms and body. The deadly ring fell from her finger as her hands became clumsy paws. “Stop! Make it stop!”

  “We cannot.” Sam looked genuinely sad. “Your body will surely fall apart and your spirit scatter to the wind.”

  “Then . . . if I am to die . . . this world shall die with me.” Cleo turned to her controls and started pulling levers and switches. The stone-and-steel aerial glowed with weird power. “Now . . . I shall overload my six super sun-thrusters . . . they will blow themselves apart . . . and take this planet with them!” Coughing and spluttering dust, ears growing pointed like a dog’s, she heaved on one last lever. “There! The self-destruct is set.” She tried to laugh, but it came out more like a bark. “I shall have my revenge . . . The Earth has just sixty seconds left!”

  Chapter Thirteen

  All’s Pharaoh Love and War

  Niall stared in horror as Cleo’s six suns flashed and flickered in the sky. A supernatural wind began to build around the tower, and its great metal aerial spat awesome power into the air.

  “Sam!” he shouted. “We’ve got to stop her!”

  The mummy staggered over to join him. “The only weapons I have left are two pit-amids.”

  “What?” Niall grabbed Sam’s arms in excitement. “Maybe that’s exactly what we need!”

  “Forty-five seconds left,” crowed Cleo, her evil bum-face leering down from the top of the tower. “And I have no intention of stepping on one of your pitiful pit-amids!”

  “That’s not the plan,” Niall yelled. “Quickly, Sam, open that hatch you fell onto. If it leads to another access shaft . . .”

  Sam lifted the round metal doorway and peered inside. “It does!” he cheered. “Um . . . now what?”

  “Now you DIE!” wailed Cleo. “Thirty seconds left!”

  “Throw the pit-amids down there, Sam,” Niall told him. “Try to get them on top of those glowing computer-banks in the middle . . .”

  “Very well.” Thump! Pang! “It is done,” Sam confirmed.

  “Twenty seconds!” shrieked Cleo.

  Niall picked up two big handfuls of sand and hurled them down into the darkness. “Quickly. Now we need to set off the pit-amids.”

  Sam gasped with sudden understanding. “So they will make big holes in the workings of this underground machine! Despised be its evil underground power—”

  “Never mind that, let’s just set off those pit-amids!” In desperation, Niall and Sam chucked more and more sand down inside the inspection shaft. “No good. The sand’s not heavy enough.”

  Cleo howled with laughter. “Ten seconds!”

  “Wait! I have a most egg-cellent idea!” Sam whipped out a rope of bandages, lassoed a jagged lump of giant ostrich eggshell and yanked it towards them. “Let us use this!”

  Together, Sam and Niall dumped the heavy slab down into the workings of the machine. BOMFF! KROOOM! The pit-amids went off. Sparks flew out of the crackling computers as huge holes tore them apart. A shedload of short-circuits ripped through the underground workings, with a sound like a thousand firecrackers going off at once. Yellow smoke whooshed out of the shaft.

  “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” screamed Cleo.

  “Look!” Niall pointed up at the sky, hope flickering now. “Look at the suns. I think we did something!”

  The six fiery discs were growing fainter. With mounting excitement, Niall realized that the wind around the tower was dying down too.

  “The power supply – it’s failing.” Bum-faced Cleo groaned as her tower shook, and the pointed aerial toppled and fell like a giant’s chopstick. “I was so close to victory! And now . . .”

  One by one, the six suns in the sky flickered out for good – and the ancient alien who’d placed them there crumbled and vanished in a cloud of dark mist. Mist that was swiftly scattered by the warm Sahara winds.

  “Well.” Sam puffed out a long breath. “She got her only puddings.”

  “You mean, her just deserts.” Niall clapped the mummy on the back. “In any case, she’s history – where Cleopatra belongs!”

  Sam smiled as Mumbum woofed. “Yes, brave Mumbum – the world is safe once more, thanks to us.”

  Niall glanced back at his sleeping sister. “And the Snitch is OK too.” He grinned. “Still, you can’t have everything!”

  He glanced down the access shaft. With its inner workings wrecked, Cleo’s underground machine was dissolving into dust. The tower and its controls crumbled like sugar cubes. Soon, all that was left was Cleopatra’s ring, a very battered oasis and the remains of an enormous broken egg, its insides hardening in the desert heat.

  Niall studied the ring. “You know, I think I can use the power left in this thing to give Mumbum’s run-down systems a mega-boost. He’ll be able to take all four of us back home, with power to spare.”

  The robo-dog woofed happily, but Sam hardly seemed to hear. “It is such a great shame,” he said sadly. “A terrible, dreadful shame.”

  Niall put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. “You mean, the pharaoh you loved so much turning out to be an evil alien maniac?”

  “No – I mean, so much of that wondrous ostrich egg going to waste. What a remarkable omelette it would have made!”

  “I liked it better as a crash mat,” Niall decided. “Anyway, you know what they say – you can’t save a planet without breaking eggs!”

  “A good jest, my friend,” said Sam, brightening. “And if power is no object for Mumbum, we can stop at the fishmonger’s on the way back and get an offering for Great Mew.”

  “I guess she’s earned her fish for once.” Niall looked over at Ellie; she was starting to wake up. “But what are we going to do about the Snitch? She’s seen so much . . . She’ll tell my mum and dad. She’ll blab it all to her friends at school. She’ll ruin our secret double-act and make my life a nightmare – a living nightmare!”

  “Fear not, my friend. A good strong shaddap-wrap will take care of everything.” Sam flicked a finger at Ellie’s face. FWAP! A scrap of bandage flapped over her mouth, then vanished. “There! She will remember nothing when she awakes. The only thing that will puzzle her is her mild sunburn!”

  “I guess Mum won’t remember much either.” Niall sighed as he set to work wiring the ring to Mumbum’s motors. “And no one but us will ever know how close we came to the end of the world. Now it’s blue skies again for Planet Earth.”

  “For now,” said Sam ominously. “Do not forget the many villains from Ka-Ba that lurk here on Earth, seeking to hide from justice. I must track them down, and catch them.”

  “With my help,” said Niall.

  “Thank you, my friend.” The mummy beamed. “I know not what I would do without you.”

  “You won’t have to find out – I hope!”

  Niall soon finished work on Mumbum, and the bionic robo-dog whizzed around in a circle with his tail wagging. Sam picked up Ellie, and Mumbum zoomed about the three of them, faster and faster. As the world began to blur and the journey home began, Niall looked up at the single sun in the indigo heavens and smiled.

  Then the four unlikely figures faded from sight. The Sahara sands were left still and silent.

  Niall and Sam were off on their way to start new adventures.

  With your wise guide and hostess – Great Mew

  (most beloved of Bastet the cat goddess)

  Hello again, lucky humans, it’s MEEEEEEEEEEEEEwww here – back to share mor
e true historical facts with you. Yes, your education is in safe and very dainty paws, if I do say so myself.

  Now, you may have noticed in the story that the imposter Cleopatra was far from nice and had me – me, Great Mew! – waiting on her, hand and foot.

  Happily, I can tell you now that the real Queen Cleopatra was rather nicer. She was the seventh queen of the same name and the very last queen of Egypt. After her, the Romans took control of the land . . . But did you know she wasn’t REALLY Egyptian at all?

  Of course not, you muscle-headed mummy! But in truth, Cleopatra was actually GREEK!

  Her great-great-grandfather – known as Ptolemy I – became king of Egypt in 305 BC. She became queen, with the help of those dastardly Romans who eventually took over from her, in 51 BC.

  Cleopatra VII was a very intelligent woman. For a start, she was the only member of the Ptolemy family of rulers who learned to speak Egyptian (not an easy task, I can tell you!). She liked to present herself as the human form of the Egyptian goddess Isis.

  Despite many romantic suggestions as to her beauty, in real life she was not very pretty.

  MEEEEE’OWWWWWW DARE YOU, boy! No, she was no oil painting.

  But thanks to her many other qualities, the Roman generals Caesar and Mark Anthony both fell in love with her – which started a war!

  The real Cleopatra met her end with the help of a bite from an asp – the poisonous snake variety. At least, that is what some histories tell us. No one knows for sure if it’s true, but we do know she was a good, kind and clever queen. I’m sure she would have seen in an instant how wonderful I am and have given me seven big fishes every single day – MIAOOOWWWWW!

  There really was a Temple of Amun-Re, at the Siwa Oasis in western Egypt. A famous oracle – someone mysterious who predicts the future – was housed there. For hundreds of years, many great leaders visited the temple.

  An oasis is a fertile, green spot in the middle of the seemingly unending desert. Some have formed from pools of water that have been trapped underground, linked to the splendid River Nile.

  I said Nile, not Niall – you nitwit!

  Birds would visit the oasis to drink, and of course, being filthy animals, would poo at the water’s edge. Seeds in the poo would grow in the wet dirt, and slowly vegetation would spread. Sometimes people would create settlements at these oases – islands of life in the middle of barren desert. If they did not exist, then many animals would have died.

  Beautiful places they were, but to reach one you would have to trek through miles and miles of hot desert. So they aren’t my favourite spots!

  Right! Enough from me for now. All this explanation has tired your wondrous Mew. So it’s time for a nap while you humans go and find me some fish for tea. MIAOWWWWWWW!

  About the Author

  Born in 1971, Steve Cole spent a happy childhood in rural Bedfordshire being loud and aspiring to amuse. He liked books, and so went to the University of East Anglia to read more of them. Later on he started writing them too, with titles ranging from pre-school poetry to young adult thrillers (with more TV and film tie-ins than he cares to admit to along the way). In other careers he has been the editor of Noddy magazine, the voice of a Dalek and an editor of fiction and nonfiction book titles for various publishers.

  Also by Steve Cole:

  ASTROSAURS

  Riddle of the Raptors

  The Hatching Horror

  The Seas of Doom

  The Mind-Swap Menace

  The Skies of Fear

  The Space Ghosts

  Day of the Dino-Droids

  The Terror-Bird Trap

  The Planet of Peril

  The Star Pirates

  The Claws of Christmas

  The Sun-Snatchers

  Revenge of the Fang

  The Carnivore Curse

  The Dreams of Dread

  The Robot Raiders

  The Twist of Time

  The Sabre-Tooth Secret

  The Forest of Evil

  Earth Attack!

  The T-Rex Invasion

  The Castle of Frankensaur

  ASTROSAURS ACADEMY

  Destination: Danger!

  Contest Carnage!

  Terror Underground!

  Jungle Horror!

  Deadly Drama!

  Christmas Crisis!

  Volcano Invaders!

  Space Kidnap!

  COWS IN ACTION

  The Ter-Moo-nators

  The Moo-my’s Curse

  The Roman Moo-stery

  The Wild West Moo-nster

  World War Moo

  The Battle for Christmoos

  The Pirate Moo-tiny

  The Moogic of Merlin

  The Victorian Moo-ders

  The Moo-lympic Games

  First Cows on the Mooon

  The Viking Emoo-gency

  The Udderly Moo-vellous C.I.A. Joke Book

  Astrosaurs vs Cows in Action: The Dinosaur Moo-tants

  SLIME SQUAD

  The Fearsome Fists

  The Toxic Teeth

  The Cyber-Poos

  The Supernatural Squid

  The Killer Socks

  The Last-Chance Chicken

  The Alligator Army

  The Conquering Conks

  Secret Agent Mummy

  For older readers:

  Z. Rex

  Z. Raptor

  Z. Apocalypse

  Chapter One

  MISSION TO PLANET SIXTY

  The DSS Sauropod – finest spaceship in the Dinosaur Space Service – was shooting through the stars on an urgent mission.

  “I love urgent missions,” cried Captain Teggs Stegosaur, munching some leaves in his control pit. “Urgent missions mean action and adventure – and several emergency extra lunches.”

  Gipsy Saurine, the hadrosaur in charge of the ship’s communications, had to smile. Teggs was always hungry – for exciting escapades as much as for plants! “Well, that distress call we picked up sounded very urgent.” She replayed the message through the speakers.

  “Attention all astrosaurs!” came a booming voice. “We have crashed on Planet Sixty . . . Immediate help needed! PLEASE!”

  The ship’s pterosaur crew – fifty frantic dimorphodon – had flapped into furious action the moment the message came through. Now Sprite, their leader, directed them about the flight deck as they worked the ship’s smaller controls with beaks and claws.

  “I wonder who sent that distress call,” mused Arx Orano. He was a brainy green triceratops, and Teggs’s second-in-command. “Planet Sixty’s in the Vegmeat Zone. No ships that we know of were flying anywhere near there – it’s too close to carnivore space. It might be a trap.”

  Teggs nodded thoughtfully. “The last time we visited Planet Sixty, there were T. rexes and raptors running about. Iggy and I barely escaped with our lives.”

  “Did somebody say my name?” Iggy Tooth breezed onto the flight deck, a greasy spanner in his hand. He was the Sauropod’s tough chief engineer, and very handy in a tight spot. “I’ve just got Shuttle Alpha ready to go. What’s all the rush?”

  “We’ve just picked up an urgent distress call,” Teggs explained. “We’re on our way to—”

  “Planet Sixty?” Iggy groaned as he spied the brown blob approaching on the scanner screen. “Not that dump! I thought it was a T. rex world now . . .?”

  Arx shook his head. “It’s such a rubbish place, even the T. rexes gave up on it. It’s been abandoned for over a year.”

  “Or so we thought.” Teggs gulped down some more ferns and jumped out of the control pit. “All right, team – put on your battle armour and let’s hit the shuttle. Sprite, you’re in charge until we get back.”

  Sprite saluted with both wings. “Ker-chup!”

  Soon, the astrosaurs, clad in their protective gear, were bundling aboard the shuttle. Teggs wore his head armour, and his tough tail was made mightier still with electro-spikes. Iggy had put on his stun claws. Arx wore his battle he
lmet, and Gipsy’s blue combat suit covered her from tail to hooves.

  “We’re good to go and ready for anything,” Teggs declared. “Iggy – take us down to Planet Sixty!”

  The shuttle’s twin jet thrusters burned brightly. Seconds later, they were scorching through the planet’s grotty green atmosphere.

  “I see something!” Gipsy pointed down at the swampy ground through the window. A large flat white disc lay like a discarded Frisbee. “It looks like a spaceship.”

  Iggy flew the shuttle closer. “It’s not a type I recognize. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with it, either.”

  “Let’s take a closer look,” said Teggs.

  The moment the shuttle landed, the astrosaurs hurried out. A cold, whiffy breeze blew about them.

  Gipsy checked the soggy ground. “I can’t see any tracks or footprints. I guess no one has come out of the ship.”

  HUMMMM. Even as Gipsy spoke, a ramp began to lower from its side.

  “Whoever’s on board has been waiting for us,” Teggs realized, going closer. “Hello?” he called. “Did you send a distress call? Are you OK?”

  Moments later, a massive figure appeared at the top of the ramp. Teggs gulped and backed away. It could have been a T. rex had it not been for the huge white horns sticking out on either side of its scaly head . . . the long, swishing tail with fur at the end . . . and the large pink wobbly blob sticking out of its tum. It gazed around, opened its fearsome jaws and let rip with a deep, bone-trembling “MOOOOOOOO!”

  Then, ignoring the astrosaurs, the creature stamped down the ramp, bent over and started to chew some swampy grass.

  “A carnivore that eats grass?” Teggs wondered warily. “What is that thing?”